I wish I came across this board sooner. I relate to a lot of you and wow is it nice to feel like I'm not so alone. I have made a lot of mistakes but am going to embrace the LRT and got the DB book. We see each other every day or two because my work schedule is difficult and we share our daughter. I am going over there later today to work on a mortgage application for myself and rental application for W. My W has strong anxiety but really only when I talk about our relationship. She blames me for everything but therapists have told us a lot of issues stem from our childhoods with her- a toxic mom and abandonment from dad. I have done a lot of therapy gotten more spiritual, meditate, started doing yoga etc. She has guilt because she left and doesn't want the R as more than friends at this point even though I'm a great dad and 10x the man I was while we were together. She has walls up, other day I mentioned not sure about wanting the couch we used to have sex on a lot and she looked like she was going to freak out or have a panic attack. I cant make her work on herself or her anxiety I tried for months. She seems ok with divorce but underneath I know she wishes she had feelings for me and we could get back toghether. She loved me so much and was such a great W, until she left (she's a gemini and I see her other side now - angel and a devil thing). We have been getting along a lot better, recently, because I stopped pushing the relationship for the most part (sometimes I still slip up). I'm going to put my questions here and details below (there's a lot), hoping I can get some advice. She doesnt work we have an almost 4 year old daughter. We have been Separated for a year we have both had other partners but are not currently dating. She says it has nothing to do with us just that she doesnt have time and needs to heal and work on herself. I agreed to get W a rental property, she is living in a bad situation at her parents house. Mother in law is toxic for W.
- Should I pay for her rental? Already agreed to this so can't take it back. She is trying to get back to work starting her own business but she's not putting much time into it. She has our daughter a little more than half the time because I work weird hours. So work is hard for her. Our expensive "forever" home sold in 3 days and closes June 28, I bought a condo 30 min away in a bigger town where I make most of my income (will turn it into a rental if we R). I felt like I had to accept we were done, we couldn't get along. Then of course, we started getting along and all the feelings rushed back tenfold.
- Should I separate our finances? Checking account and CC all still together. She spends hardly any money and is pretty respectful these days (was not early in S but $ never the issue), I've spent more $ (much on mental health working on myself but some on dating months ago while she was basically in a relationship w a rebound first then OM second). I feel like separating finances now will push her away for sure because she is starting to trust that I'm there for her. But I don't want to just be a safety net.
- Do I tell her if she starts a new R I want to do mediation and have a settlement agreement & split everything? I know I will feel like I have to move on if she dates OM again or someone new. I tried to say we have to communicate and spend some time together because I don't want to resent her as I have a $1400 monthly payment for her housing. It was via text maybe in person goes better. But she says she has nothing to say and what she says just hurts me. She says she has nothing to give at this point and feels the same as she has. She just wants to be friends that trust each other she says (but I don't believe it). A week ago we had two huge long hugs one morning over breakfast (wish I could go back to that moment when she looked in my eyes and kiss her). A month ago she told me she is wanting to hug me more... but I dont just want freaking hugs! I dont want to be just a friend! I want the R but an improved one, Im a sexual person and attracted to my W more than any woman.
- I understand friends first and trust needs to be rebuilt but I dont want to be stuck in the "Friend zone" I want to get the respect and strong attraction she had for 8 years back. How? I was selfish and didn't give enough to her in the M. I've looked in the mirror, seen my mistakes, accepted my imperfections and want to treat her right. So now I'm giving, nice kind. I want to be sexy, strong, attractive - how I was in the R but trying to blend both. Tough!
- Finances are going to be tight for a bit but I will make a bunch of money this summer. I have agreed she needs her own space, she says she wants to be alone and work on herself. But she goes out with a girlfriend or 2 weekly she used to go out with OM for dinners. How do I get her to want to go out and do things just the 2 of us? It's always family time with our daughter. I want her to want to do things together and reconnect? I guess just pull away and wait and see if she comes to me?
- Detachment is really hard for me. We have this strong emotional connection and affect each other so much. I'm not dating and she wouldn't want to hear about it if I was. I don't want to hear about her with OM. If she brings him up again I am going to tell her I'm her H not her gay friend and I don't want to hear about him (saw this in another post).
In the M I was selfish, neglectful after we M. I traveled for work and had fun through my career. She was stuck at home and waited for years for me to give back to her. I got depressed at times mostly in the winter (some childhood traumas I had never worked on until S). I didnt accept I had mental health issues from my childhood I needed to work on. I was like a dark cloud all the time later in the M (her words). I smoked marijuana and hid from the issues thinking marriage was forever and she'd never leave me no matter what. Boy was I wrong. I'd do anything to go back to winter 2017 and work on myself then. She tried to tell me she was falling out of love with me. She tried to get me to do therapy and journal etc, things I'm doing now. But I didn't embrace change until after the S. I've done the work now, therapy, reading, writing, meditating etc. I'm excited in some ways for my future since I know myself now. But I want W side by side excited together. I know I could be a great husband now and more than anything I want to date W again and R. Have more children and experience life together with her and our D (who is so freaking cute I love her with all my heart). I miss my D all the time I dont have her I feel like a failure for not being able to have her in my house daily and provide for her and W.
After S, I made a lot of mistakes as most do I think. I was angry she left and had an ego (former pro athlete, fit, successful etc I worked hard to get where I am and she left and we were going to lose so much). I built my career and was too focused on money. She supported me every step of the way and I probably couldn't have done it without her, at least it would of been a lot harder. I thought shed come back - I tried to give her everything she always wanted except for what she asked for - space. We have the American dream a big expensive house, beautiful daughter I have a good reputation in the community, she didn't work. But here we are a year later we have both dated, gotten pretty serious at times too... but both stopped seeing other people a couple months ago. We tried marriage counseling a couple weeks ago and she just cried, she gave it a 5% chance that she'd want to work on the marriage. I tried to accept it. Our house is sold, June 28 settlement, I have a condo I'm purchasing. Now we are seeing each other often, with D, we are laughing more and getting along in person. Text we do not do as well. I want time just the two of us. Any advice is greatly appreciated, may get a coach too, but concerned about finances with new expense for her housing. How can I bust the divorce and have the loving relationship and partnership W and I want. Patience... right? Thank you for your time DB community!!
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I hope I can get some advice from more experienced members of the forum. I am going to be interacting with my W later today, 3pm ET and filling out a rental app for her to get her own place. I guess in the scheme of things 15k isn't the end of the world (fortunately for us). Just want to get to piecing and working together even if we live separate I could see myself in the rental with her while I rent my home I'm buying... wishful thinking... Thank you!
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Okay, so, no you shouldn't pay for a rental for her. And yes you should split finances. She needs to know what it will be like to be on her own! Also, likely this will prolong the limbo and separation. WAWs will cake eat if you let them. Having you pay for her place and fund her living expenses will be just that. Also this is unhealthy for you. You need to look up Nice Guy Syndrome, and get the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Likely you are wanting to do all of this for her because you think it will net you gains it won't.
Think about this. She lives with parents now. I am sure she isn't crazy about that! Her alternative right now should be to return to the marital home. You are giving her another option, one that is VERY desirable. Living in a rental, paid for for her, and then helping her with living expenses to boot?? Come on.
On your mediation question, do you want a D? That is where mediation will lead to. I know the thought of her being with someone else hurts, but that shouldn't be your focus. DBing should be. Even if she starts seeing someone I would stay the course until YOU are ready for D. Not until. You are still way too focused on her letting her actions dictate your decisions. Stop that, and think about what YOU want. Stop putting her needs ahead of yours. (Again, Nice Guy syndrome.)
Plus I notice you are asking if you should tell her. Like you are still trying to control her. "If you start seeing someone I am cutting you off!" There is no problem with moving forward with D and cutting her off, but don't threaten her with it to try to get a behavior out of her. Further, telling her that means she would just go underground with any potential relationship for as long as she could.
Quote:
How do I get her to want to go out and do things just the 2 of us? It's always family time with our daughter. I want her to want to do things together and reconnect? I guess just pull away and wait and see if she comes to me?
The answer is that you don't. She will go out just the 2 of you WHEN and IF she wants to. The best chance for that is for you to detach, GAL, continue your 180s (changing things about yourself that contributed to her leaving) and being the best possible person you can be! Again, you have to realize that you cannot control her. You have control over exactly one person in this life: YOU.
So let go. Detach. Stop making excuses about why that is hard and work on it hard. Read DB and DR, and all of cadet's links. The problem that LBS have in the beginning is thinking DB won't work. But if you look at the stories of people that R usually they are the ones that DB'd the best!
Buckle in, this is a long ride. I can already detect a lot of impatience on your side. That will work against you. Slow and steady wins this race, no matter how it ends up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING (on this thread) and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Got DB already halfway through the book. DR and no more Mr nice guy on the way. I am supposed to do a rental app with her this afternoon. If I pull that out from her all trust Ive gained back is gone and she will Ben crushed. She has no income and stopped working 2 years ago to raise our daughter. Splitting finances would mean she gets monthly pay if we D she gets approximately 40 per cent. Which would be around 3k. Maybe I offer 2k which covers rental on her own? Thoughts? House sale June 28 we split 90k profit also... so she can use some of that money. She definitely wants to cake walk have her cake and eat it too and throws a fit if I call her out or criticize. But I will not get taken advantage of... thins is why I wanted mediation. Your advice is much better since I dont want D at all.
Im going to focus on DB and LRT as that will be what potentially is best for R and for myself. Putting me first... she says all I care about is my agenda. Youre right Im too concerned about her actions. II did push for us to be together for months but stopped more recently. Understanding shes thought of me as the guy I was in the M. And I needed to show through action the changes I made. Which is what Ive been trying to do.
Offer her 2k per month. Let go , split finances. Detach. DB to best of my ability starting now. Seeing her and daughter consistently together. Just play with daughter and short but sweet to W. Thank you!
Her birthday is June 12.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/25/1805:16 AM. Reason: restored post
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Thank you for your time & advice, I'm really happy to have found this resource!
WOW birthday is June 12. A plant or two for her room (she loves nature) and a meal? Just a card? Nothing? We have been getting along better... dont want to be mr nice guy / friend zone.
She keeps offering me meals and food (one of her love languages)... I have been reaching out less and she texts more. She has never had a rock (person she can count on unconditionally) even her parents. See previous post.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
DId rental application with WOW. She wrote me as husband and told the landlord Id be there part time with her. Maybe I will Be after some time. I didnt talk about myself at all. Brought up Gemini season her sign (both interested in astrology) got a laugh made eye contact while talking about her place and any other brief convo. I did tell her she was pretty... during convo. I guess thats a mistake should of held back. At least I didn t say youre gorgeous let me push you into the wall lock eyes with you and kiss you with passion, right? Progress?
Daughter wanted to come sleep over at my house and would only potty train with me. Breaks my heart. Ill have her the next two nights since Im off friends all at ge beach for Memorial Day. Hate that were missing memories and experiences. Asked to have daughter tonight but W said Id have her next two nights and I was there until 7. I did say bye first.
Kept it together was positive around W. Getting easier to leave them still sad but used to cry tear up. Heading to the gym. Not going to text her until she reaches out. This stuff is hard. But Im up for it. Focusing on forgiving myself for mistakes in M and detaching not pursuing. Journaling Reading. Moving work. Just have to be consistent.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/26/1804:30 AM. Reason: restored post
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
When WOW asks did you go out last night? Is there any response that helps?
She get gets jealous and subconsciously comes toward me when I stop pursuing. In the past I have jumped at the chance when she starts coming back. Haven't pursued or reached out / said much for a few days now since reading DB and joining the forum.
I want to get the respect and attraction back... but she knows I'd like to go out and do things together, hope to R. I just said I was up late reading. Have been short on words, looking good when she is around laughing a lot with daughter.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
i have been reading no more me nice guy. I was the nice guy in many ways. I have been way too accommodating inviting for coffee breakfast etc. no wonder no respect attraction. The big one is helping her get her rental property. Recommended by therapist. She is in a toxic living situation with a mom with undiagnosed mental illness.
If we D she would get as much as 40 per cent... she has said shed wanted the D since she left in June. But I have been way too nice and trying to get along. We used to just fight while I was pursuing. I actually tried to schedule mediation a couple weeks ago so I dont get taken advantage of. She said I should pay her living expenses for a year. $3500/mo. I said no way mediation and offered $1500-2000. Since I said I have the money she needs her own place and agreed to get her a place. She has no income and stopped working to raise our daughter.
We have been getting along Ive stopped pursuing embracing DB but its hard as F. Texting one word trying not to care if shes out w a gf or sleeping w some guy and lying to me. She says shes not dating. She asks me what I did last night I should just say hung out w friends? And repeat that answer? She has no need to no unless she is interested in our R / M?
Looking for advice on how to communicate and reconnect while also not being too nice and dont want to be a jerk. She is very sensitive and I think has issues from her childhood. Ive tried to help her for months but gave up as I can only control myself. Need to get balls back be an alpha male etc.
Thanks for advice really could use it.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/27/1810:56 AM.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
