Im having week without kids and just wanted to journal of some feelings I am going through in this phase of my journey.
I have been very active with GALing lately but today I had zero plans since my friend who was supposed to visit me cancelled and I intentionally kept the calendar empty to be alone with my thoughts to see how that feels. I am kinda tourist in my own town, going to beaches and having coffees all by myself. Exiting in a way yes, but I also get very sentimental. I see all these couples and families who are spending great summer day together and I realize it is first time in 15 years, when I do not have my wife by my side. We were always very active during summer, having fun plans and going to different places. It feels surreal that this summer it is only me, not us.
I find myself thinking that will I ever find a woman that I love like I loved my wife and who also loves me back. With who I can share all these beautiful moments with.
I feel also very lonely. As many of us, I neglected my friendships during marriage to be able to spend more time with a family. I have done a lot to rekindle these friendships and be open to find new ones, but still days like this feel lonely. It does not help that I have distanced myself from very controlling and intolerant religious movement where I grew up and basically lost all my contacts outside the cult except for my two closest friends who also are mentally out from movement. Luckily I have some friends outside that religion as well, but maybe 90% of my social contacts vanished when I stopped attending cult activities.
Nevertheless, I feel that I am doing a bit better in my healing process from BD and WWs affair. I am on the level where I do not anymore believe that I can save our relationship by any means. Naturally I still work a lot to be a man that only fool would leave. Sure it still hurts that my wife seems to be that fool. In time I hope that the pain will further reduce and I could achieve confidence that someday I will love and be loved again.
Came to the house today to change the turns to be with kids next week. WW was still super anxious towards me as she has now been recently. As we sat down to exchange kid related affiliations, she started accusing me having a secret plan to smoke her out from the house and kids lives. Our house is a bit of the countryside and our nesting apartments are in the city. We both wanted to minimize changes in our kids lives, and would like to let them live in their home as long as possible so that they would not need to change schools, move away from friends etc. However it is economically challenging to keep 3 homes (WW moved together with another WW so for her its bit cheaper) so I mentioned to WW earlier that if it would become economically impossible to continue these arrangements some day, I cannot see myself living anywhere else than in our house at the area. WW would also like to have the house and is now afraid that I will use my stronger economics to force her out and would take the house for myself. She thinks I have some clever tactics to accomplish my goal. I have really not thought anything like this, but it is reality to her. I only want that the kids would be as happy as possible with minimal changes in their lives.
Well then she went on saying that until I have made an official contract that I do not seek after the house, she will continue to be hostile towards me. Naturally I do not do any contracts when being blackmailed, but its so obvious how she aspires the house for herself. Funny how she accuses me being manipulative...
The best part was when she threatened me about telling everything to kids how I smoked their mother out from her own home if I ever would happen to have the house. Tell that how I could treat my own kids mother that badly... Not only she feels paranoid, but I think its also outrageous to even plan to take kids between our problems. Especially when I never talked anything to kids that WW wants to end marriage/family and had PA because I do not want kids to take the sides between me and their mother. She was happy for that decision, but now she would be willing to go there herself to be able to control me.
Regarding other things, I of course also heard me being selfish and inflexible when I hold on to my own plans and do not change my schedules according to my WWs aspirations... Honestly I see myself as a big fan of flexibility but apparently I should be willing to cancel my plans whenever WW expects that to be able to earn flexibility certificate in her books.
I have to say that this bullshit put my validating skills to the test.
Kids had their last school-day today before summer vacation, and we have had a tradition to celebrate it as a family by going to lunch somewhere together. Traditions are important to our kids and so we decided to go this year as well just the four of us despite our situation with WW.
It did not take too long and we actually had quite positive, nice lunch. This is my week with kids, and I am almost 100% confident that WW came from OM based in the direction she came from. Well, I have mentally accepted that she is dating others, so it is what it is. I kept my cool and actually while we were together, I felt emotionally ok. However afterwards I feel that I still have much to do with my emotions and detachment from WW.
I sure miss our time together, but I have not brought up any of these emotions lately, and I am not going to. But I have to admit that after seeing WW today, I have great need to say to her that dont you see that I would be the best man for you? I know exactly what you need to be happy! I know how to make you feel loved and appreciated, and I have tools and motivation to do that! Nobody knows this better than I!
Of course I will not say this to her, but its how I feel. Does this sound familiar at all?
Its been a long time and lots have happened so i decided to journal a bit of my current situation.
So now we are officially divorced and our finances are split. It was me who processed the second phase of divorce after WW said she wants to start dating others in May. She bought me out from the house and I bought house of my own nearby that I begin renovating now and hope for moving in until december. I am satisfied with this arrangement and feel even exited in doing this for myself and the kids. Until the renovation is completed, we continue current living arrangements with our nesting apartments. After that the kids will shift the houses every other week.
My gal goes well, I am in the shape of my life both physically and mentally. I meet friends but have been also doing things by myself that I have not had a possibility to do in marriage. Ive travelled a lot with and without kids in interesting places and enjoyed my life. I cannot say that I am yet happy, but I am on my way to happiness from within. Some days are better and some days I feel more sentimental and miss wife.
Our interaction with WW works well and is very cordial. There is no R talk whatsoever and we dont ask each others whereabouts. I dont know if she has been dating anyone and havent been snooping at all. There has been some temperature checks from her side, she has texted that she is missing me and once she asked that have I ever been considering getting back together.
My mental goal is that if someone would ask me if I want to get back together with her or not, I could honestly say that I dont care, Im also totally fine without her. I am not there yet. Every message I get, I wish its from WW and its something along the above lines. But I am on my way to healing, and I can already look to the mirror and say: "you are a guy that only fool would leave".
This year is coming to an end and hence I´ve been reflecting my journey more extensively and decided to give a short update on where I stand at the moment.
When I originally joined the board back in Feb 2018 I was in bad place. I choose my pseudonym "Getting There" to describe my healing journey and as a goal to eventually be in a place of inner happiness and strenght. This journey is naturally a lifelong one, but I would say that I have reached the goal I set to myself nearly two years ago. I remember thinking that I want to be in a place where I am honestly free from thoughts of getting back together. Now I am there.
Back in early 2018 when I typed in my subject "Suspect PA...", that was the worse thought ever - to think my exW having sex with someone else. It made me physically sick. Now I naturally don´t even think such thing, but writing this, the thought is 100% neutral to me. She is engaged with a nice guy (maybe 3rd or 4th boyfriend after divorce), and I truly wish all the best to them. Her fiancee seems to be good and normal guy and my kids get along with him which is most important thing to me.
What it comes to what I think of our divorce, I´ve reached a place of peace. In the beginning I blamed her, and then I blamed myself. Now it is just enough for me to admit that we simply didn´t make it together. We did not have what it took. Maybe with wisdom we have gained afterwards, we would have had better chances, but as in life in general - I´m wiser today than back then and will be even wiser tomorrow.
When 2018 was the worst year for me ever, 2019 has been the best year in my life! I´ve learned so much so far, I´m completely independent and I have my life in my hands! I´m still exercising 4-5 times a week (which I started as GAL activity), so at age 41 I´m in best shape in my life both mentally and physically.
The first year after the divorce I focused to my healing and I did now want to enter dating pool before I felt ready. So I started dating last summer. To be honest, I had doubts if I would meet anyone who I would find interesting in all levels, but have to say that I met some amazing women! I think it´s important to come to a from a place "I don´t need you, but I want you", so I decided to make a list of my ideal woman to make it concrete what I want. And yes, I have lists to all my goals...
Well, I met a woman who ticked all boxes in my list and turned out she finds me attractive as well. We have now dated for 4 months, but are taking it slowly. In dating, I follow also a rule I learned from DBing: "no expectations". And I´m enjoying the journey.
The best thing for me naturally is that it seems that the kids are just fine and happy! They are so dear to me and the best decision I made when all this started was to always prioritize them and try to become best dad possible. We also have had quite functional co-parenting with Ex-W, but lately she has went to very distant direction. I´m not sure if it is because me dating or something else, but communication is very limited and it is not best from the co-parenting perspective. My goal is to try to establish more functional relationship to ex-W. I feel she still has lots of resentment towards me, and I need to accept that it may not change. But still I try to do everything at my end friendly and respectfully. I would like to see us more functional and even some sort of friends. I want to look back to our marriage respectfully and beautifully, since it is 15 years of my own history.
To summarize, my goals for 2019 has been met, which I´m grateful for, and now it is time to set new ones for 2020.
I hope this updated can help someone who might be in similar situation than me in early 2018 to find confidence that DBing works! As said so many times at this board, it might not bring your ex-spouse back (it can, if you still want it), but it will bring YOU back!
I just finished reading both your threads and I´m glad to see you are doing so well. It most definitely helps reading about this since my sitch started in February 2019. I´m now separated and will be divorced in April next year and although I´m doing quite well, I still miss my soon to be ex wife and the life we had. I know I´ll be alright but reading threads like yours is very helpful so thank you for posting!
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
How she went from divorced to ready to be married in less than a year after being married for 15 years is beyond me. Hopefully it doesn't affect your kids much.
Good story otherwise, and I like the name "GettinThere".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
GT thanks for the update. The future always holds hope, no matter what.
Also, here are a few facts I've learned in my studies:
A WAS has about a 1% chance of long-term R success with an affair partner. If they'll cheat with you then they'll cheat on you.
A WAW has a much lower chance of finding long-term R success than does a LBH. WAWs usually find the long-term R prospects slim. LBHs are much more desirable to single women, and even get a "I feel bad for him" dynamic from other women. Single men are just out to get laid and move on.
A WAS will come back at some point wanting to reconcile. I'd put this phenomenon in the upper 90 percent of all separations and D's. This is especially true of WAWs, probably because of the second point above.
So newcomers, your sitch may feel like the end of the world. It's not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think the number is high too, just that most LBS's are too hurt, or haven't grown or learned enough to keep the door open to it. If you do no 180's, the WAS is still walking for the same reasons.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
