Do you know if your state is a no fault state? Another good question for an L, and another reason to not yet reveal his A and to gather proof. In some states during a D, proving the S had an A can be beneficial. I live in California and it makes no difference, however I had read in other states it does.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Personally I am a great believer in INTEL. You can't get that if the cheater is going covert.
Tough though it is, wait until you have the INTEL you need, screen shots, photographs and don't forget to either photograph FB and keep a number of the card and account for the CC.
Keep all this SAFE.
The G hadn't realised all his awful stuff was on our family ipad including find my iPhone stuff.
Numpty.
Once you have your INTEL then like Blu and arista I think blow it wide open.
But expect the liar charter and be surprised if he admits. If you can record that convo. OK it might not be used in court but you will have it.
Oh and cards close chest any order.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
of course, Blu and Vanilla are right... get your ducks in a row... for all you know, H could be planning his own escape... all the while making you think he isn't going anywhere... who knows? he could be socking away money that you know nothing about... my brother-in-law did this to my sister... then he moved out when she was away on a business trip... she had no idea that he was unhappy, that he had already started a new life with OW and her son...
The charge's on H's credit card turned out to be fraud.
It's been a long time since I've posted, things are essentially the same horrible mess, and I've obsessed pretty much every second of every day about it, but I can't seem to find time to put my thoughts out here. By the end of the day, I'm so terribly exhausted that I fall into bed.
There have been a couple notable happenings...H had another international trip and while he was gone he texted me to tell me that he missed me in his life but he "understands and accepts my absence." I responded by telling him "You left me. I am not absent. You want a coparent, not a wife. At least with me. And therefore you don't have one. I did not mysteriously become absent." He said "I did not leave you. I just can't ever allow my heart to be crushed like that again." I said "Unless you're serious about things being different between us than they are, I don't ever want to talk about our relationship with you again."
I don't know if that was the best thing to do in terms of saving our M, but it was a critical step in saving my sanity. His texts consistently tell me over and over what a horrible wife I've been, how I've crushed his heart, I can't be trusted, etc. etc. A couple days later he texted me "You are so wise. I bow to your ability to crush the hearts you are entrusted with and still remain a victim. You are truly a gallant person." So his mean texts may not stop but hopefully they will become fewer. All the while he claims over and over that he has no "ill will" or "bitterness" towards me whatsoever. Which is either a lie or he is a total sociopath. I've tried to figure out why he has told me that several times....and if I say something harsh he'll say "jeez, bitter much?" Honestly I think it's intended to put me in a one-down position to him as though he is superior to me because he has evolved beyond such petty feelings as bitterness. He acts like he's happy all the time, like none of this bothers him in the least. And I know it's a show, it has to be. These types of major relationship issues bother anyone....even the people who are sure they want out of their marriage have a difficult time and doubt themselves, etc. So for him to act like this, it's obvious he's just playing games with me as always.
When something is bothering me, I often wake up with clarity in the mornings about something. I don't know what it is about morning when I first wake up, but I trust the wisdom that comes to me in those moments because it's not just about feelings-it can be a technical issue at work or something like that and I will wake up with the answer. It's weird. Anyway, I woke up last Saturday wondering why I am wearing the wedding rings of a man who told me he'll never give me his heart again. Isn't that what they rings are supposed to symbolize?? Plus he took his off 4.5 years ago so there is no one wearing the other half of this promise. When I woke up I knew what I wanted to do. I put them in a baggy with a note that said "These don't belong to me anymore. I see them as a gift you gave to me from your heart as a promise that you wanted me to spend the rest of my life as your wife and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life as my husband. I know you took yours off a long time ago...and I don't really know what to say about that. I can't really explain why I need to give mine back to you now except to say that wearing them at this point feels like I am taking something on a daily basis that you no longer wish to give and certainly would not give to me today. Please save them for the girls obviously." I put it on his bathroom sink. It's still sitting there and if he's opened it and/or read it, he did so and put it back exactly like it was to make it appear completely untouched. So I have no idea if he's read it or what he's trying to convey by just leaving them there. I don't want him to think I'm just trying to present myself as single or something, so I bought a silicone ring like people wear when they go to the gym and that's what I've been wearing. I also took down our wedding photo that was hanging over our bed. He hasn't slept in there for 4.5 years anyway.
I know all of this is taking me farther and farther away from a reconciliation. I get that. These were things I felt like I needed to do in order to make it clear that the shenanigans in our relationship as they've been occurring will not be tolerated anymore. I am done. With that being said, I am also done making statements. These were three things done in a very short window of time...two weeks maybe in order to take a position. Now I will let sleeping dogs lie.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
I do know that he is not like other people. He does not think like other people....he is very black and white and his reactions to me can be completely over the top. No one understands him, truly.
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if you were my friend, my sister, my niece, i would tell you to go DARK... NO CONTACT...
The people closest to me have told me that...but we have 4 kids so this will never be an option for me. And he really is an amazing father. The kids adore him.
I guess even twisted and scary people can have some great qualities...I mean no one would stay with them otherwise right? And of course, things are never twisted and scary ALL THE TIME, so you learn to normalize the bad things and live with it. Things that most "normal" people would never put up with. I mean do twisted and scary people play with your hair, open your car door, rub your feet, buy your wine, etc.? I don't know! All I know is that I simply can't say that my H is an abuser without feeling like I'm being totally dramatic. And of course what I know his response would be rings in my ears as well....I'm only trying to justify the things I've done...to the point where I can't even trust my own feelings because I hear his every time. Even if he doesn't say it, I hear it in my head anyway because I know what he WOULD say. I abuse myself half the time, he doesn't even have to!
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
The guilt you trick because of past behaviour is just that, a guilt and shame you sleight of hand. It's about control and that's an easy pedal to push to make you stall. I doubt this is above you kissing a guy all those years ago, he is doing it because it presses your buttons for guilt and shame. That is control.
The problem for me has been how to stop feeling so insanely guilty that I feel like I deserve it?? I look at other women constantly, other couples, and tell myself "I bet she would never do what you did, that's why they seem so happy." I'm crazy with it, crazy with guilt, crazy with shame. I hate that I have this in my past, I hate it. But at the end of the day, I can't change it can I? And I can't force him to forgive me. And I can't minimize the damage I did just because *I* don't think it should be this monumental. So that's where I've been stuck. Forever. Because I can either 1) accept his punishment 2) leave
Both options seem equally impossible to me. I torture myself EVERY SINGLE DAY with trying to make this decision. EVERY DAY. It's literally hell.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
And while kids can still thrive and grow into healthy adults, seeing an R like this (and that it's their parents) does affect them greatly. They are forming their views on relationships by observing both of you and your interactions (or lack there of)
Everyone tells me this...sometimes I feel like it's a justification for divorce, just something people say to feel better about leaving. Because when I see my kids and how happy they are, it's hard to see that they would be better off with us apart. However, with that said, I do also see that there may be things forming that I can't see...that I won't see until much later. And I also will say that since things have deteriorated so much between H and I, I think there is much more risk of them learning negative things. Before H actually TOLD me we'd never be a couple again, I was always trying. I knew that he was not responsive to me as his wife, but I kept thinking maybe I was imagining it or expecting too much or whatever. Because our family unit was still very, very good. We play games, go places, watch them play sports, have campfires, go on trips, we're very involved as a family unit and we do most everything together. And, we were still having sex and still interacting as a couple, calling each other during the day, etc. The daily stuff was good. It was just the real stuff, the stuff between just H and I that was very tense and made the daily stuff seem very fake at times. But for the kids, it was invisible.
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You know what my H did?
That sounds horrible, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It's amazing that you have been able to work through it and are here to tell about it. I'm sure that gives SO many people here a ton of hope.
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This is not just a M that needs repairing, this is a critical situation. I don't know how much advice here will help you. You describe that you are trying to be a great mom, W, 180, GAL, etc. Yet you pride yourself on not being social; is that because you think that makes you a good girl in his eyes? I happen to think that any woman should freely decide who to go out with and how many drinks to have. If your H wants a perfect woman, well then he will never find her! And I am sorry, but you cannot be her either. No one is.
It's so hard for me to see it this way. A critical situation is for a woman with bruises on her face. Or who has an H who belittles her in public or tells her she's stupid or stays out all night and spends all their money at the bar. It's so hard for me to weigh what he does to me against the family we have created that we now must care for. I feel like no matter what he does, I will bend and stretch to somehow accommodate it. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me, why can't I make a decision, why can't I decide what the right thing is? Something in my head keeps telling me "If you think being married to him is hard, try divorcing him. Just try it."
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And you are choosing to stay in an abusive R.
I know. And I only have three people in my life that I can talk to about it. And eventually as much as they love me, even they are going to tell me to either leave or stop dwelling on it. If it was really that bad, I would leave right????
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Hopefully as you can nurture your soul and get stronger, you can come to make decisions based on what you then know you deserve.
This is my path. I'm trying very hard. I feel guilty every step of the way, but I do feel like I'm making progress.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
This year is a big one for my kids, D7 goes to summer camp for the first time, S17 turns 18 and moves into his senior year and has to decide on a college, D15 turns sweet 16 in January, then S17 will be graduating and I'll be busy planning a graduation party. S17 is very focused on his track and is trying very hard to get a scholarship to a D1 school...he received an interest letter from the Naval Academy and is very excited about that and has pursued that with a preliminary application. I keep telling myself that after he leaves for college, I'm going to have to make a decision. Otherwise my life will simply be spent in a state of indecision which would be really sad when I look back on it someday. So, I need to make the most of this time. First I need to know my goal....I was reading on another thread about defining success. Like if you reconcile but go back to the same crappy ways, is that really a success? I used to think it was for my situation at least. But I've changed a lot since my Dad passed away...or maybe I'm just getting older. I have less patience for the BS. So I've really started to think more about what I want out of my M, or what I *don't* want actually and that sort of defines what I want if that makes sense. 1) Stop allowing myself to be beat up over past mistakes. This has obviously been my biggest struggle and continues to be. However, no matter how long I live in a state of remorse, I cannot change the past. We've got to move forward. 2) Figure out who I am apart from my H. We've been together since I was 17...I feel like I'm just an extension of him. I'm really non-opinionated and he's extremely opinionated so much of our lives is based around his opinions and his timing. 3) Define success. We can pretend like nobody's business. Our family can come across great, we could even go back to how things were..."functioning" as a couple. I mean, that's what H wants. He wants to go back to how things were but he is reserving the right to withhold whatever he chooses to withhold due to the fact that I have betrayed him over and over and therefore he will never give me his heart or be that "all in" husband. And that's pretty vague so he gets to define that however he wants in the moment. I need some help here. What does my success look like you guys???
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
