Thanks for the responses. I have started a new treatment that has me very tired and weak, so I have not been able to keep up with my thread very much.
On the debate of whether MLC is real or not, I do believe it is, but I don't know if that's what is going on with my H. Because he has vanished and makes no attempt to do any of the anchor checking and doesn't seem to care to check if I'm "right where he left me" (which I'm not).
The bottom line is he left our marriage by simply walking out and not even bothering to divorce me. Not just not bothering to divorce me, he actively avoided it and is now hiding from it.
The fact that he was more of a clinger for a while and then vanished only made things more confusing.
His selfishness is most evident in the fact that he would disappear and cause more pain and stress for me at a time when I am battling cancer. It's more stress because due to the financial hole he left me in and the fact that the end of our marriage is still hanging over my head because we are in fact still married.
The fact that he can still be living his life and having fun times and building his new career proves he doesn't care what he's done to me and all that matters to him is himself. I don't see that changing since it's just gotten worse as time has gone on.
His reason for avoiding divorce is a mystery and I'll never know the reason. Speculating does me no good because I'll never know if what I think is correct and no answer makes me feel any better about it.
The fact is this is pathological selfishness. And if you Google "pathological selfishness," you'll get millions of articles about narcissists. If you Google husbands who vanish and cut off contact, you'll get millions of articles about narcissists.
He's a very unhealthy person and it's unhealthy for me to have him in my life. And yet in a sense, he's maintaining control of being in my life because he knows I'm financially destitute and can't divorce him. So he'll remain the ghost I'm married to until I get well enough to get back on my feet and take the responsibility of legally ending our marriage.
I never dreamed my marriage would end, and I definitely never dreamed it would end badly. I've seen marriages that end with so much bitterness and anger and hatred and I never, ever thought that would happen to me, even if the bitterness and anger and hatred is only on H's side. (And even in then, I'm only assuming he feels bitterness and anger and hatred because he disappeared and I don't know what he feels.)
The only thing I can hold onto is the fact that I have been kind and compassionate (although I have told it like it is when needed), I've completely ignored OW as if she doesn't exist, and I have taken the high road at all times. At least I can look myself in the mirror and feel good about the way I have behaved.
We see things very differently. If MLC is a psychological event and in the cases (rare or otherwise) the person manages to work through the cause and gets themselves in order THEN it may be possible to rebuild a new relationship. If both parties are interested, which most of the time the LBS has taken too much damage by not detaching to want the MLC spouse back.
But your stories are about people who were still not functioning. No one has ever used the word; winning the lottery; in watching your loved one blow up your world, be in significant pain, even if one day they manage to get better. It is far easier to just walk away, and there is nothing wrong with choosing that if the pain is too great.
RESTORED POSTING.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
River10, I am just writing to tell you that I have a similar story except mine never left the home and we have two kids. He turned into someone else, gave up all responsibility, has not had a relationship with our kids in years (despite witnessing them unraveling), tried to care when I had cancer but really was only nice the day of mastectomy and then started up with OW again the next day. That was in 2014 and it has been a rollercoaster but mostly the kind that keeps going down. He seems to have rebombed me a couple months ago but still hasn't followed through on the threats, disappearing and then asking what's for dinner and demanding money all the time. You and I could sure cry on each other's shoulders. If you don't have God in your life, I am not sure how you can make sense of what is happening to you, but all I can say, is that you can stay in the light no matter how much darkness gets thrown at you. Suffering makes no sense when it seems so unfair, but there is a meaning in it that will be clear to you one day if you can avoid the enslavement of bitterness and seek healing with hope. I read your story with love and compassion in my heart, please know you have a sister in this! I only have one b--b left but I am getting more whole all the time! It is horrible to face that absence, but rest assured, living with them is far worse. He's away for a couple of days and I feel so happy, just dreading his return. Gonna go pray out that despair as soon as I finish this post. Love to you.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Many of the MLCers will drag their feet on divorce because they either really do not want a divorce and just need a time out or they do not want to do the work and look like the bad person to others.
Your h does not want to discuss relationship nor legal issues with you at this time. In his mind this is pressure for him to make decisions and his brain is scrambled and can't get back on track at the moment. The less you try to discuss relationship/legal issues, the more he may come around. In other words, he doesn't want to be put on the spot/hounded about such things. Right now, his focus is on fun and doing what he needs to do to feel better.
I would do whatever you can do legally for you and your family at this time. Protect your assets and try to minimize the contact w/your h unless it is an absolute emergency.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have no choice but to minimize contact with him as he has changed his phone number after I was diagnosed with cancer and now I can't reach him.
I do now see that I made a mistake discussing the divorce every single time we had any interaction. But I was focused on not discussing the relationship and since he was living with OW, I didn't want to discuss his life and make him think I approved. So the only topic left was the divorce.
And in truth, I probably wouldn't have discussed the divorce, except that he had gotten the ball rolling.
He actually DID the work and sent me all the paperwork in November 2016. He paid his lawyer a few thousand dollars to do this. Then after he mailed it to me (to my address in one state when he knew I was moving to a new state 3 days later) he disappeared. Didn't respond to me for a few months. Never filed anything. Never responded to me when I said I would file it as soon as I became a legal resident of my new state.
Originally Posted By: job
river, Your h does not want to discuss relationship nor legal issues with you at this time. In his mind this is pressure for him to make decisions and his brain is scrambled and can't get back on track at the moment. The less you try to discuss relationship/legal issues, the more he may come around. In other words, he doesn't want to be put on the spot/hounded about such things. Right now, his focus is on fun and doing what he needs to do to feel better.
I guess I think he may never come around, since he's vanished, meaning he doesn't have to deal with me discussing legal issues, he's able to focus solely on having fun and building his new life and it's been over 10 months since we last had any contact and there's been no change whatsoever.
His decision seems to be made, he's just too busy building his new life to pull the trigger. Plus, in order to divorce me, he'll have to face me in some way, shape or form, and now that he's vanished on me while I have cancer, I'm sure he's looking to avoid facing me at all costs.
I just read through your situation and its a heart breaking one. Im sorry you are having to deal with this. I wanted to point out that you seem to be viewing his ordeal from a very rational viewpoint. By that I mean that you are assuming that he is getting everything he wants and is happy. That he changed his number to get away from you. You really dont know any of that. People who do stuff like this are not rational minded and dont do things for the same reason as the rest of us...thats why its so hard for us to understand. It doesnt make sense.
Happiness does not come from stuff and things. Happiness comes from within. These MLCers are unhappy and searching for it externally. They change jobs, change partners, change living conditions, change their appearances, etc. The gratification they get from it is very short lived because it is not solving the root cause of their unhappiness. So I would argue that your H is probably NOT all that happy. He is probably trying to be, but how good can it feel to do all the things hes done. No one sleeps well after that.
And the phone number thing...you mentioned he stopped paying bills. Any chance he changed his number to avoid bill collectors? I dont say that to offer hope, but to offer an alternative reason for his actions. Regardless of the reason he should have provided you the number, but it might not be that he is specifically changing it to get away from you.
I hope things get better for you. Keep posting and venting here. You are among friends.
Got an email from my MLCer, first contact in a year. It was to tell me that my beloved dog is in failing health and H will need to make the decision soon to put him down.
Opened the email by apologizing for the lack of communication but "my laptop died and my phone went through the wash within a week of each other last year." Yes, yes, that makes total sense now why you ghosted me for an entire year. Seriously??
Actually wrote "I'm glad you don't have to do this because it's gut wrenching." All about him and how hard this is for HIM.
Hasn't contacted me the whole time I've been fighting cancer but threw in an offhanded, "Hope you are feeling better. Keep fighting." at the end.
It's been three days. I haven't responded. I don't have a clue what to say to this narcissistic email.
