Husband gone for second time - 4

[bluesun]

I haven't posted our story yet. There is so much to it. Be fore warned it will be a novel in size. Will soon.

As for how do I do it, I barely do. Patience is key. I have faith in my H, in our M and in our friendship. I often feel like giving up..on everything. But I know if we can get through all this chaos/confusion that the prize at the end is worth it. At the same time I am open and accepting of the outcome, good or bad. Well, this week anyways haha.
My Dad went through a mlc when I was a kid. My Grandpa died when my Dad was in his early 30s and it sent him into major depression and mlc. The outcome was my parents are together and celebrated their 50th a few years ago. I have a half sibling from that chaos and remember my Moms strength through it. I know it can work out positive. I myself also went through a mlc when I was 30 (I am now 43) which was triggered by a major health issue. Experience is knowledge I guess. These roller coaster rides suck, I prefer the ferris wheel.

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

You asked about an update on my situation...truth be told there's nothing to tell. My H blocks me out. He replies to texts sent regarding finances, etc and ends with Have a nice weekend/evening/day but other than that I'm nothing or no one to him.

He did send me a birthday message, very generic banal stuff but it did come early and without prompting. It was my 50th and he left 2 bottles of champagne on the kitchen table.

My daughter had a word with him about the way he blanks me, how he can be quite hostile. He became silent, lectured her on the meaning of hostile but said 'no I don't mind being told off by my daughter'
He hates being the bad guy...but doesn't see how his behaviour is perceived. I felt my daughters frustration as that is exactly how I used to feel...and do now to a far lesser extent.

I never or would ever ask anyone to speak to him for me, I used to caution everyone to please not say anything to him...but my counsellor said it wasn't my job to stop others from voicing their views or communicating with him about how he treats me and how that makes them feel.

He has a huge wall up, he has feelings of compassion, empathy etc but he doesn't allow them to surface...and I can't be with someone who monitors their emotions so intensely. So, on the whole I'm so much happier without him!

I'm busy, I've made new friends and connections and I'm fairly detached from a man I've known for 31 years...it's become easier to detach the more I realise, I really wasn't being treated fairly, and I actually like myself how I am now.

I believe you will get there too Nicole. You're stronger than you credit yourself for. I also think your H knows this too. It sounds like he's waking up very slowly from whatever he was in. Small steps towards better co parenting has to be a far better situation than the animosity he displayed not long ago.

Eyes wide open and a clear head. Keep on keeping on...

[Maika]

I get what you're saying Nicole, and it's all good and well. Let me point out one thing though:

I have to accept that my husband chose the wrong path for his life but he's the man that I loved. If, in a few years, he realizes his mistake and commits to change and wants to try again I'd be open to that if it happens through the involvement of an army of third parties like counselors, mutual friends, family, and religious community to create accountability and to make sure everything is fair. It's hard for me to say I'd never take my husband back because potentially we have up to 40 or 50 years of life remaining and it's hard to project so far into the future. I think my husband has a lot of growing up to do. I try to look at the big picture including the ten years of my life I invested into bringing my husband to the US and helping him establish a career, the fact that we have a daughter to raise, and the potential to change as we pass through several more decades of life. I want to be practical and realistic about the future. So I just don't know. It's hard to say I'd never try again with my husband but I agree that he'd either have to A) truly commit to the healing process and demonstrate long term change or B) we reunite in some kind of practical arrangement that gets negotiated for our daughter's sake only.

It's hard to read into the future and what happens, and yes, there are decades left in our lives. But, what I am worried about from the above is how this is going to help you truly detach and move on. If you keep a candle on for him, what does that mean for you to move forward with life. What if in a year or so, things with H are the same, but now you meet a man who you click with and want to pursue something. Are you going to not take that opportunity up because of the slight possibility that things might come around with H?

Just think about what needs to happen for this to work with your H. You've already identified it. Now reflect on what a massive undertaking this is and it's mostly on his end. It could totally happen, but hanging on to that can keep you stuck.

It's great to hear that some of his actions towards D have turned around, and I hope it remains the same and gets better for the sake of your D - she deserves a good father in her life.

Having said that, sometimes when people are angry, they can blurt out a truth because they don't have any emotional control. And sometimes people say things that are vengeful and mean to hurt the other person. With what he said about your D, I would really observe and gauge his actions over a period of time and see how it unfolds.

You can't also control his relationship with his D. Maybe he's more involved right now because he doesn't have a love squeeze at the moment. What if he finds some young woman and starts another A? Observe all of that and see how his behavior towards D changes when things change up for him.

Even though you're not responsible for his relationship with D, being the primary custodian of your D, you are responsible for making sure she has good adults around her. If you H starts ignoring her and is being in and out of her life when it works for him, you'll have to stand up for your D and what kind of relationship she needs - it's then upto him to meet it.

I am just putting my thoughts out - not suggesting that you've not thought about this or aren't doing it already.

I hope you consider what you need to move on in life that doesn't include him in the picture outside of him being a father to your D. You deserve a good partner.

Your H's issues are his and he needs to deal with them and get the necessary help.

[new2nev]

NicoleR you said: The child comes first and currently I have nothing to offer anyone else so i have to accept being alone.

Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. Oh why? Oh why? I assure you, you have something to offer! I believe you were just having a feel sorry for yourself moment. Had one myself this week, but I'm back and fighting to move forward with or without my husband and made it very clear this month and week.

So even if you say that feeling is absolutely true, you have a new focus. Handle it! You can do it and your daughter will be proud of mom.

[arsh18]

Hi Nicole, just caught up on your updates, I fully understand the lows that you hit at times. I agree that we can all only judge your husband based on the limited info available on these threads and you would know him the best. I also agree that the unpardonable words he spoke about your D was in a burst of anger and he must not have really meant it given his behavior otherwise. But the truth he has still abandoned both of you while he is trying to find what he wants. So for LBSs like us who have difficulty accepting the changed person our S has become, we first need to find ourselves I think and get our self worth and self respect back to its place. I keep telling myself everyday that this is about Him and Not me and try getting through the day. At the end of the day, the children make it all worth it for us.

[Max123]

Hi Nicole your situ is tough, I'm sorry you're facing all this. I have a similar situation with my 44 year old h in limbo - been like this on and off for 4 years. We're together but living seperately. Sounds like your h really caress for you and your d deeply.

I've called my post 'Is this actually happening....because I'm in the same place as you can't believe this is my life... it's so surreal.

Shock and disbelief are stage 1 of the grieving process. Stage 5 acceptance is a journey .... take your time on the journey.

I'm sure loads of the folks here all went through the shocked phase and are now on the other side.

[NicoleR]

HI Everyone, thanks so much for your helpful responses. I will respond to each as soon as possible. I'm still adjusting to working in addition to being a single mom and trying to find a balance, plus I've been sick, but I think I'm starting to get caught up.

[Davide]

Nicole,

Most of us have been in that stage where everything feels upside-down and we feel useless and of no benefit to anyone. It is normal. But it is also not permanent. It is a stage, a normal stage, that anyone in this situation would go through. You will get past it as well, as hard as it is to believe right now. You have reservoirs of strength that you don't even know, and you have people in your life who love you and care about you deeply. Reach out to them (not the H). Cultivate those positive relationships in your life. They will help you in the process of emerging from this darkness.

You can and will make it through this.

[arsh18]

Hi Nicole, you have gone through this twice unlike most here. Your H came back before and left again so its a reopened wound for you will take time to heal. Just put your Ds and your own needs at the top of the list right now, especially with your H just taking off as and when he sees fit you should be least accommodating of him. It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your M and be a single mom. Hope your D is well adjusted to the new place.

[Jim1234]

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.