So I have been posting over in the newbie section for a couple months now and been getting some good advice.
I ended up over here in the MLC section because I thought I had been in a MLC which drove W out.
After reading the 30 MLC signs I decided that my depression was just depression (I never acted out was just worried about job and sick family) and that in fact my WW fit every criteria listed!
Quick recap on my sitch
Three years ago I burned out on my education job was over worked and underappreciated and wanted a new career path. Simultaneously found out my Step Dad and Aunt had cancer. Quit the job and tried to find a new fulfilling career to no avail. Became very depressed over work and sick family members in steady decline. My W was very unsympathetic to dying family members and really ramped up her career and became a workaholic. Since last summer my Step dad died my aunt died and then step brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. My W really pulled away from me while I was grieving and started working 12 hour days 5-6 days a week. I had put on alot of weight in my depression and W last Nov said I was fat and she was not attracted to me. We started arguing for the first time in our 7 years together and as she pulled away I became clingy and needy. I admit that in my depression I looked to her to make me better which she cannot do I now know.
Finally in late Jan WW said she couldn't do this anymore. She said she needed a break and was going to take 3 months and then we could do MC. She was moved out in a month. A month later one of our cats got sick and died and she was back at the house for a week to help take care of it. After being at the house for 2 days (I was being detached and validating not talking about OR etc) she said she didnt want to do MC but wanted a D (she has yet to file). I asked if she was seeing someone else and she said no but that she was trying to find herself. Was never going to be in another relationship again, never be so "enmeshed" with another person again etc.
She has a whole new group of friends a bit younger than her I think. Has gone to Mexico twice and going to California in a few weeks (travelling more). New clothes etc. Talked about getting a new car. Her job has been terminated and is starting a new job in a couple months and wants the D to be finalized before she starts new job. I am currently dark and NC except for logistics with the cats which are with me.
I have been GAL like crazy I started going to yoga 5 days a week I am seeing a MC and another shrink. I changed my diet started getting up at 630 everyday, looking for jobs and working on creative projects. I have lost 40 lbs over the last 3 months got a haircut and had to replace most of my wardrobe because I lost so much weight nothing fit anymore. I am working on detachment and have done a fairly good job of validating when I have spoken to WW.
Would love to know more about dealing with MLC spouse and knowing more about MLC etc. WW is only 34 is this too young for a MLC? SHe also changed borth control a couple years ago which really tapered off her sex drive and gives her night sweats if that matters?
Last edited by job; 05/22/1811:20 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Sounds like you have made a lot of positive changes
Way to go
Good your w says she is trying to find herself and not chasing OMs
Why do you day she fits all the MLC signs
Good news is MLC usually has little to do with you
Bad news is MLC usually has little to do wih you
If you read he books MLC usually takes the longest
Think years
Good she has not filed
You really do need to listen to actions more than words
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for chiming in Below is a break down of how the MLC traits apply. LIke I said before I am not completely certain that I am dealing with a WAW, WW or MLC? When things began I was in what could have been seen as a MLC without the acting out. I have wondered if my W is just a WAW because when this began it was all about me and all my shortcomings. Was she just detaching from what she saw as a MLC in me? But as time went on she started to act more like a WW without a known EA or PA. And everything stopped being about me at all especially when I started making changes to the things addressed and it all became about her. She is also not willing to give me any information when I ask her about what is going on...the only thing I have gotten a couple times is that she has a "process" she is working on...what that process is she will not say. Any insight is helpful and I am also willing to admit that I had a MLC too I am just learning at this stage.
Depression sign #1: MLC'ERS WILL OFTEN VIEW THEIR LBS AND THEMSELVES AS ONE PERSON
She is unhappy within and not seeing happiness from me thinks I need to be replaced or just get lost. I have also been guilty of seeking happiness externally through her but am actively working on finding my own happiness within. The big difference is I do not need to replace or lose W to be happy.
Depression sign #2: MLC'ERS ARE UNABLE TO SUSTAIN AND MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS AS WELL AS RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.
W will hear/interpret what she thinks I am saying rather than hearing what really is being said. She hears blame rather than suggestions or means to problem solve. She thinks everything I say is some form of control when I am simply asking for clarification.
Depression sign #3: MLC'S HAVE DEPENDENT PERSONALITIES.
I will own this one more than my W. Although she has said in the past that she depends on my emotional support but gives none back. I was left to take care of the house and felt like a caretaker but as she was emotionally unavailable I felt frustrated by my "helping" actions. Also things became financially muddied and I was dependent for awhile on her which made the situation worse. She enabled some really bad behavior in me which I have since broken free of and am tackling.
Depression sign #4: ML'ERS ARE UNABLE TO SHOW EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
This one is completely my W but I also had some traumas I was going through.
"ML'ers are unable to stand the emotional pain they are creating. They become distant and indifferent to their loved ones. They view the LBS's as the cause of their own suffering and therefore treat them as strangers/enemies."
Depression sign #5: ML'ERS ARE EXTREME ATTENTION SEEKERS
W was raised alone in the woods as she puts it. She longs to be the center of attention but wont admit it. I have been criticized for not giving her attention.
Depression sign #6: ML'ERS ARE SELF-CENTERED
Yep 100% W would constantly write people off and write them out of her life. Empathy was the opposite of how she would act unless it served her.
"It is all about them. As they become more absorbed in finding themselves, everyone else in their past life gradually becomes more and more obsolete."
Depression sign #7: ML'ER'S ARE UNABLE TO TRUST
I am also more guilty of this one. I have had some seriously bad trust relationships in the past and I have abandonment issues. I am not sure if my W has trust issues beyond her not trusting me to become a better version of myself. Maybe this relates to the heroism thing?
Depression sign #8: ML'ERS ARE UNABLE TO HANDLE STRESS
Yep she freaks out under stress no relationship talks possible. She shuts down and pushes away immediately. I was also guilty of this but probablly afraid of feeling her wrath.
Depression Sign #9: ML'ERS REWRITE HISTORY
Oh yeah she says she should have never gotten married that everything was bad etc. I am not alone in thinking this does not match the reality. Everyone I know is shocked how we broke up as they thought we were perfect?
Depression Sign #10: MOST ML'ERS HAVE AFFAIRS
I do not have confirmation of this and I am not going to snoop, but I have suspected but I need to be careful about this because I have trust issues and will choose to believe her until proven otherwise. That said she is very defensive when I even suggest such a thing, and if she is honest with me she has a right to be defensive.
Depression sign #11: ML'ERS ARE CONTROL FREAKS
Yes to all below (but I too have been guilty of a few of these as I have had control issues of my own)
verbally/physically abusive, manipulating, complaining, criticizing, blaming, saying things like "I want a divorce", "I never loved you", "I love you, but I am not in love with you", being impossible to please,
Moving constantly, traveling more than usual, changing jobs, changing what they eat, changing how they dress, changing their overall appearance, what they drive, changing their friends, replacing their spouse, replacing their children, etc....
Depression sign #12: ML'ERS HAVE EXTREME ANGER/RAGING/SPEWING
W is 50/50 on this one when it spews it spews
Depression Sign #13: ML'ERS ARE INDIFFERENT
YEP 100%
"without interest or concern, not caring, disinterested, impartial and apathetic. Nothing is harder to live with than an indifferent person. Ml'ers are indifferent primarily toward their past life. They are no longer interested in what the LBS, children, relatives, dog, cat, best friend, or church group are doing. They could care less about the lawn being cut, the algae in the pool, the leaking roof, or the bills being paid. Their past life no longer exists. They truly become "aliens" to people who love them. There are many reasons why this happens. ML'ers are self absorbed and don't want to focus on anyone but themselves. ML'ers no longer want any responsibility in their lives and just want to have fun and freedom. People and things of the past remind the ML'er of their failures. What better way to not have to deal with their pain then to pretend people and things don't exist anymore."
Depression sign #14: ML'ERS CAN BE NARCISSISTIC
Yep 100%
Depression sign #15: ML'ERS MAKE POOR DECISIONS
W is from I can tell great at job terrible at relationship. Sacrificed relationship for job.
Depression sign #16: ML'ERS ARE POOR MONEY MANAGERS
Yep W was always terrible with money
Depression sign #17: MOST ML'ERS ARE ABUSIVE
Yep W does all the beginning ones
A. Withholding: By withholding love, affection, accolades, sex, children, communication, etc.. the Ml'er is saying I have something you want and I can withhold it from you. The Ml'er can take this even a step further by withholding love and affection from you and then giving it to someone else.
B. Discounting: By discounting the LBS' perceptions, the Ml'er is saying I can point out your uselessness.
C. Accusing and blaming: By blaming the LBS, the Ml'er is saying the LBS is to blame for their pain no matter what they do to you so they don't have to stop or be accountable.
D. Judging and criticizing: By judging the LBS, the Ml'er is saying to the LBS that when I tell you that something is wrong with your thoughts and actions, I put myself in charge of you.
I have been guilty of these later ones
E. Threatening: This a way for the ML'er to have control over the LBS to imply that they will take away something valuable to them, such as family life, financial stability, home, etc....
F. Name Calling: By calling names, the Ml'er is saying to the LBS that they are worthless and don't exist.
G. Denial: By denying what they are doing to you, the Ml'er can keep everything like it is and not take any responsibility for their behavior.
H. Abusive anger: By being extremely angry and raging, the Ml'er is saying as long as I am scary I can have my way.
Depression sign #18: ML'ERS MAY ABUSE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
Yep although W seems to moderate to some extent. But because I have been sober for over 10 years this was mostly when I was around. Left to her own devices she parties.
Depression sign #19: ML'ERS CAN EXPERIENCE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
Yep this goes both ways though. W changed birth control a couple years ago and her sex drive tapered off. Mine also tapered off for a couple years as I was depressed. I also have been dealing with some sexual trauma on my end and that had negative consequences in the bedroom.
Depression sign #20: SOME MLERS EXHIBIT JEALOUSY
This one is more me that W if she was jealous I couldn't directly read it. I only became jealous once she starte dpulling away in the last 6 months.
Depression sign #21: ML'ERS ARE FULL OF SELF-PITY
I have heard this multiple times
"You cannot love me like I need to be loved"
Depression Sign #22: ML'ERS DON'T WANT ANY RESPONSIBILITY
Yep this is my W
"Before their crisis, most Ml'ers were very responsible, productive members of their home and work environment. Not anymore. Life is a party and they want to have fun."
Depression sign #23: ML'ERS ARE VERY SENSITIVE TO CRITICISM
Oh man everything I say is read as critical or controlling. I was told that her real friends don't question anything she does why do I...umm because you are my W and I care?
Depression sign #24: ML'ERS USE PROJECTION AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
I'm sur ethis is going on I just don't know specifically how. I do know that W would conflate me with other people and project her disappointement of them on me.
Depression sign #25: ML'ERS CREATE CONFLICT/ARGUMENTS WITH LOVED ONES
This one goes both ways we are both guilty of this
Depression sign #26: ML'ERS ARE IN DENIAL
Yep W 100%...I was probablly in some for of denial during my depression too but part of why I was depressed was because I was aware of my shortcomings but couldn't figure out how to fix them.
Depression sign #27: ML'ERS BECOME VERY COMPETITIVE WITH LOVED ONES
Yep this is my W favorite sport. Apparently she has done this in all her relationships.
Depression sign #28: ML'ERS HAVE MAJOR MOOD SWINGS
Yep we are both guilty of this
Depression sign #29: ML'ERS ARE MANIPULATIVE
My W second favorite sport. IN her defense I think she is aware of this one and it is something she wants to change about herself.
Depression sign #30: ML'ERS HAVE WITHDRAWING/ABANDONING BEHAVIORS
Well she abandoned me and most of her old friends so yes
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
