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arsh18 Offline OP
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Hi all, I am moving from an older thread that had too much personal info.
Summarizing my sitch -

H of 10 years starts to shut down when D is 7 weeks old. Initially when I confront him says he is done with this life, with me, 2 kids, our home and life with me overall. Every subsequent conversation has been him blaming me, full of resentment and anger and not taking any responsibility for this. Says he had depression last year and I wasnt available to help during my pregnancy. Based on our cultural background, extended family intervened and H reached out to some friends too but he is not willing to change his mind and wants immediate D. I want to keep the marriage at any cost since I still feel this is a crisis that can be overcome and our Ds need a happy home with parents and not part time mom and dad.
No proof of EA/PA but has been very secretive with a new phone that he got after BD.
H wants me to move to a new state post D, says better job opportunities and environment for kids.
I have been through denial, depression, hell on earth and currently osciallate between depression and acceptance. Minimal GAL with 2 small children, have been trying to do 180s but have taken some baits. H's animosity has not decreased, switched overnight from being a patient person for 15 years to an eruptive volcano.
Is a good father to D3, has slowly started accepting baby after she turned 4 months.
Hoping to get help and support from all of you to somehow work a miracle and save my family for my Ds.

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arsh18 Offline OP
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Maika, Steve, Nicole, Vanilla and others hope you continue guiding me

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H has set up an appointment for mediation tomorrow. i know it is not the end but i cant stop the drowning sensation building in me, I am going in to just listen what he has to say and if he divulges anything that he has not told me before. is there still hope at this point?
He claims to want the children for half the time. L says he may get upto 40% custody with D3 and lesser with D6 months but I do not want to split the children, they are all the consistent family they will have. So he may end up getting 40% with both. He was all set to move out but has decided to stay until the D finalizes and even after wards live at the marital home until it is sold and we all move out of state to a new place. His L probably told him to stay with kids if he wants shared custody.
I am trying but it is hard to be cheerful in front of him now, and limited GAL but I try taking the children out as much as I can. Doing 180s but nothing seems to affect him.
How do I proceed? How do i keep hope alive?

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arsh18 Offline OP
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Mediation meeting upates - H asked for 50% split with kids and all other assets, when the mediator started talking to me and we got to specifics with kids I just broke down. I know I have to always act happy in front of H and I have been but yesterday was beyond my control. I told the mediator that i do not want the D and dont think it is right for us or the small children we have. H mentioned to her he plans to stay at home until the D and even after to raise the kids together and the mediator advised against it saying it is not healthy for the kids or me to do continue living together after the D, at which point I told H that i will not live together after the D gets finalized. The meeting conculded with her suggesting we get some couselling and then meet again in a month. H has declined to go to any counselling, I plan to go to show my committment to the cause. I dont understand why he wants to continue living together and yet ask for 50% custody
He keeps saying be amicable so it is good for us in the long run, how do I continue trying to support him through this process that I am opposed to?

Behavior at home - I have been patient and we are functioning like a well oiled machine at home. We had extended family staying with us until 2 weeks ago helping with baby so this is the first time after the BD that we are just by ourselves. But he still decided to proceed with it without any delay as soon as my MIL left. I try validating as much as possible and keep conversations minimal. His attitude to me is still hostile and regulary launches the attacks. I am working on detaching so his words still hurt me.I get out of the house as much as I can with the children to give us some distance and he has completely stopped socializing. Work and back home is all he does and continues to be on his phone 24x7.
He has become extremely helpful at home chores which is a 180 for him. Cooks, clean and even did our laundry for the first time ever. I am not sure how to read this.
I asked him to reconider his decision before we met the mediator, did not beg or plead but said it is not what our children deserve. He said he would never reconsider and 'after detaching from you I am more productive so will not give this up'.
In another convo he said this M has no love, affection or respect, so I just said I am sorry you feel that way but please speak for yourself I do not feel that, at which he got more bitter and launched another verbal attack
Any guidance on how I should proceed and how i have performed to some of these situations is much appreciated

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Is there any history of mental illness with your H or his family? Something about all this just doesn't seem right. I can't put my finger on it, but it is almost as if he just isn't thinking clearly. Live together after D? Why even get a D then? How is living together facilitate a 50-50 split of custody?

The phone usage is still a red flag, but part of me is thinking there is more going on here. Let me ask you a very sensitive question, is there any way he might be a homosexual? The reason I ask is that he could keep up the illusion of family, and throw off anyone that might shame him for it, while being free (after the D) to do what he wants to do.

I may be way off with that. I just don't see a lot of sense in what he is wanting.


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Arsh, just saw your update. I really seriously don't know what to say about your husband. Did you or the mediator ask his reason for wanting to keep living there? Maybe he feels guilty about leaving the kids or it makes more financial sense for him?

If you can go to a counselor yourself that might help a lot in getting input based on someone who can see and work with you regularly to figure this out.

Have you tried to do any investigating to see what your husband is doing when he's not at home? If you could find out where he's going maybe that would provide a clue. Until you know more about what triggered all this it's hard to know if you should keep doing DB in hopes of saving this or if it's a lost cause.

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arsh18 Offline OP
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Hi Steve & Nicole, thank you for your responses.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Is there any history of mental illness with your H or his family? Something about all this just doesn't seem right. I can't put my finger on it, but it is almost as if he just isn't thinking clearly.

There is no history with him or family but he keeps saying he was severely depressed last year and blames me for not understanding him. He neither discussed this with me or sought any medical help, I knew he wasn't himself but thought it was just work stress and dealing with a toddler and the fact that we were expecting another baby and the added responsbilities. One of his complaints for wanting D is that I did not support him thru his bad times last year.
So his plan that he has disclosed to me so far is, we get D ASAP then move to another state through the same jobs. He has said he will live together now and after D in the same home here but once we move to new state he does not share specifics. Until 2 weeks ago he could not wait to move out and get his own apartment, kept talking about it and then changed his plans. We are from a south east Asian background and although neither of us has any family here, work and live in a predominantly south east Asian community. I think he is worried by the social aspect of being judged by people around us for getting a D when we just had another baby. If he continues to live together he can keep it under the rugs and as soon as we move to a new state as per his plan it will be a clean slate to start afresh. He shares very little so this is just my analysis of the situation.
But it is very true, he is all over the map of what he wants, the only constant is he just wants the D immediately.

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arsh18 Offline OP
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Hi Nicole
Originally Posted By: NicoleR

Have you tried to do any investigating to see what your husband is doing when he's not at home? If you could find out where he's going maybe that would provide a clue.

We work at the same workplace so I know his whereabouts, he has been doing home and office in fact much less socializing than I would want him to. Until a month ago I even had access to his financial accounts so I know up until then money was not moved in a suspicious manner. I do not suspect a PA for this reason, no missing time or furious expenditures. the phone secrecy began after he started shutting down on me, until then we freely used each other's phones. I am trying to understand what he may be really going through but its just all over the place.

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arsh! Firstly, I am so sorry for the mediation process and what a huge clusterf#$K this is. I haven't been through that process so I can't give you any good feedback. But, don't beat yourself up for getting emotional - you're a human being and this is just an atrocious situation and of course you're going to feel what you feel.

I totally understand him wanting to stay at home to keep up appearances. I know how South Asian communities are. He doesn't want to be looked badly upon and keep up his reputation. The fact that he wants to move away is just a sign of escapism and he doesn't have to deal with the negative backlash from the community. If you can, i don't think you should let him get his way with this. If he wants a D, he can get the hell out.

Also, him on the phone all the time is not a good sign. Even if you know his whereabouts and he's not doing anything, it could easily just be an EA for now. Maybe once he can get away, it could turn into something else. If there is a way for you to get intel, then do that just to confirm things. If not, then let it go and just move forward with DB anyways. The truth will eventually come out in some way. People in South Asian communities talk and he can't hide his nonsense forever.

My only thing for you is that keep your focus on you and your kids. Let him be and do whatever he's doing. you need to get healthy and heal.


No one is coming to save you!

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arsh18 Offline OP
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Thank you Maika, I will follow all your advice of trying to just concentrate on myself and the kids. He is too confused right now and flip flops every other day for me to figure out what he wants.

The change in him of doing house hold chores and taking at least half responsibility with everything at home, is this common? Is this his way of showing he can function independently or something else?

Setting boundaries-
I finally after almost 3 months of BD got to a point where I wanted to set boundaries with H. Since he has decided to stay at home and continue with the D process, his attitude and treatment of me has not changed.
1) absolutely no discussion about D or complaints in front of children
2) I gave him half hour each week a fixed day and time to bring up anything he wants about this. I told him I would not be replying back and if he gets too abusive shall even walk away at all other times.
I have a full time job and 2 small children, I am tired of crying and being miserable everyday so I had to set these boundaries with him.
He broke both these rules yesterday and started yelling at me in front of children, D3 understands when we are upset and started crying. I requested he not talk about it in front of children but he kept going and I ignored him and tried consoling D3. He was angrier and said I was not listening to him so I asked him to come back to me at the set time, until then I will not be participating in these conversations.

This is making him angrier but I have to set some ground rules to find my peace. Is this strategy ok in the DB process. Any advice on how to tweak this and handle the times he breaks it in a better way?

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