Just an update, I'm going with her tomorrow to take our son to the doctor. It's going to be a long day.
She's supposedly getting a new car tomorrow, too. I'm not sure if her mom is helping her out or some OM. Either way, I'm not really sure what the right stance for all of this is.
Part of me wants to counter-file for at-fault rather than go through the no-fault petition she's already filed, since she's been involved with at least 3 OM in the past 2.5 months.
There's way too much anxiety in my life. Heh.
I'm still trying to stick to the DB plan, but it's really hard sometimes.
There's a part of me that feels like I should stop helping her completely...but the only way I'm really helping her now is watching our son every other weekend. Who knows what she's doing when I have him. It's just too stressful to think about.
I'm considering going almost completely NC actually. One of the things that are making me think is this quote from one of Sandi2's posts:
Quote:
The LBH should stop being her errand boy, babysitter, cook and housekeeper, etc., trying to "help" lighten her burden, thinking he is doing 180's that are working. Hey, those actions may be 180's from his norm, but they are not the type of 180's that are effective with a wayward! This is another major difference in a WAW and wayward wife. Those acts of kindness, let's say, might be appreciated by a WAW who is not involved in wayward activity or has a wayward heart. Not so, with a wayward! I hope to get that message across about effective 180's from the betrayed H.
Lately, I've been keeping our son every other weekend (unless we have to shuffle it around for some reason).
He's with me now. Next weekend, she's taking him out of town for the weekend. The next weekend (mine), her dad is going to take him (he set that up himself), but then the following weekend she wants to switch it back so that I have him again.
Her mother helped her get her new apartment, and likely a new car this week.
They keep enabling her to have this life...without thinking about whether it's right for our son or not.
I'm really debating telling her that I will ONLY keep him while she works on the weekends...no other time.
I hate doing that. I love my son. But something needs to change, and I'm not okay with enabling her to keep her multiple OM and randos having access.
This is the hardest decision I've had to make, and I would appreciate any advice I can get. Probably going to have this talk with her tonight.
Blackmac, bad move. You should have your son as much and as often as you possibly can. Plus her having won't stop het from seeing OM. She'll find someone to watch him or het with OM with him. Don't use your son to try to control het like that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Blakmac, I just caught up on your thread and sorry to see your WW acting like a GGW.
Just by the looks of that particular piece of advice you read from one of my posts, sounds like I was speaking to a H who might have been still living under the same roof as his WW. I give similar advice whenever the WW moves out. She will take advantage and ask her H to help with installing something, fixing anything & everything from her car to repairing something in her apartment. She thinks nothing of asking for his physical help......and/or more. For instance, she may be having a particularly low day and call him. She wants him to lift her spirits by telling her what a terrific person she is and how things will get better in her new life without him.
Whenever she has physically separated and she is wanting you to do things to help her (similar to the examples in the previous paragraph), you can tell her you are not available or she'll have to look for services in the yellow pages........or just say "no". However, let me stress something here. Choosing to not keep your son whenever it would be "your weekend", or any other time you thought she might be involved with some of her GGW activity......only hurts you....not her.. It is not your job to punish her. It is not your job to control what she does. In fact, you couldn't control her if she lived with you. Trying to force her to keep her child when she is not working, is clearly a control issue in you. I understand, b/c I used to have some control issues myself. In the end, the person who loses is you, b/c it won't change her. She is not going to live the way you want. You miss out time with your son, and he grows up not having enough time with his father. So, you can be unavailable for her in the other ways, but you need to be available for your child, as much as possible.
If there was anything I wish I could teach, it would be "how to let it go". When you learn how to let go of these things you can't control......it will free you. You aren't responsible for your WW. You can't force her to love you, or to live like a respectable woman. If you won't keep your son, she'll get someone else. I suggest you start working to let it go. Don't let go of your son, but let go of all this stuff she is doing in her life. Let go of things you can't control. Focus on what you do control.......and what you can change.
Quote:
I hate doing that. I love my son. But something needs to change, and I'm not okay with enabling her to keep her multiple OM and randos having access.
Keeping your son is not "enabling" her to have multiple OM. Who is more important, your W or your child? Who is helpless here? Who is your responsibility? It's your child. You can't use him to control your W's behavior or activities. Another thing you can't control is who she decides to introduce to your son. That is very, very tough on the LBS. Unless you can prove the child was not safe, or harmed in some way........I don't think you can prevent her allowing others to come around him. However, you can do a check to see if any of her OM (if you know the name) are a registered child molester.
I am so sorry for the pain it causes you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am working on letting go. I've come a long way, mostly because the hits just keep coming.
On top of that, I have ADHD, so emotional reactions tend to be far more intense. It can be unbearable at times. I just try to think of all of the possible ways I can navigate a situation, then I talk myself out of most of them. It's crazy. I also tend to throw ideas out not knowing how they sound outside of my head, which is why I'm really thankful to have found this forum.
I'm still working on keeping myself in check. It's taking a lot more effort than I thought it would, honestly. Especially knowing our son is being affected by all of this.
Progress report...I have no idea how this is going.
I got laid off from my job today. She found out and texted me to see if I was ok, and asked me to stop by her work and see her.
So I did.
I dressed up, was positive and upbeat...and her conclusion is that I'm doing the things she needed me to do for years...and I'm clearly better off without her.
I'm actually better off without the medications that were keeping me messed up inside.
She's not seeing that part of the equation. That's the hard part. I believe she's still trying to justify leaving, which from what I understand is just part of the script.
It's hard to tell exactly what's going on. I'm hoping that there are positive changes coming...but I really don't know. It's really difficult to navigate this.
Does anyone have any experience with that? Should I stay the course? Give up?
I don't want to give up. I'm making myself better. I'm doing the things I need to do to make sure I'm okay.
I can't tell if it's a speed bump or a brick wall.
She came over for a while and brought our son. We talked about the job thing some more, the issues I have...and then I asked one of the questions from DR...what would be the first sign that we have a shot? What would be something that needs to change?
And. I. Got. An. Answer!!!
She said that we don't have a love problem...we both love each other...but the thing she would have to see is that when we are angry, we still respect each other. We don't lash out and try to tear each other down.
We both admitted that yes, things are broken, but the fact that I got an honest answer in the first place is just...amazing!
She needs to feel respected, even if I'm angry at her. And she also said she needs to feel that way towards me.
Only one of those factors are in my control...how I handle my anger towards her.
I'm actually better off without the medications that were keeping me messed up inside
Is this medication for the ADHD? I hope you will consult with the doctor before you just stop taking any medication. If that one keeps you messed up, maybe a different one would help you feel more normal.
Quote:
She's not seeing that part of the equation. That's the hard part. I believe she's still trying to justify leaving, which from what I understand is just part of the script.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you told her about ending the meds, hoping it would sway her to reconsider the M.
Quote:
Does anyone have any experience with that? Should I stay the course? Give up?
Based on the fact she didn't think your meds played a part in the breakdown of your MR? You have to do what is best for your health and happiness.....whether or not it gets your W back.
Quote:
She said that we don't have a love problem...we both love each other...but the thing she would have to see is that when we are angry, we still respect each other. We don't lash out and try to tear each other down.
We both admitted that yes, things are broken, but the fact that I got an honest answer in the first place is just...amazing!
She needs to feel respected, even if I'm angry at her. And she also said she needs to feel that way towards me.
Only one of those factors are in my control...how I handle my anger towards her.
How you handle your anger towards her probably played a big part of the breakdown in the MR. It is not the only issue that currently exsits. You failed to mention her Girl Gone Wild behavior. I am concerned how you take on the project of finding the right formula to use in pleasing or persuading your WW to give you another chance. Like many guys, all you can focus on is just getting her back again.
If you have anger issues, then take anger management. Take a course in how to fight fairly, or keeping respectable communication. It's going to be difficult to show a lot of respect for her when she is not demonstrating very respectable standards in her life. I'm just saying that it's not just your side of the street that needs cleaning. However, I do agree that this part is up to you.
Make your decisions based on what you want and what is best for you and son. Don't fall into the trap of trying to convince her you are good enough for her to consider reconciling. Only consistent actions and time can do that job.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She came over for a while and brought our son. We talked about the job thing some more, the issues I have...and then I asked one of the questions from DR...what would be the first sign that we have a shot? What would be something that needs to change?
And. I. Got. An. Answer!!!
She said that we don't have a love problem...we both love each other...but the thing she would have to see is that when we are angry, we still respect each other. We don't lash out and try to tear each other down.
We both admitted that yes, things are broken, but the fact that I got an honest answer in the first place is just...amazing!
She needs to feel respected, even if I'm angry at her. And she also said she needs to feel that way towards me.
Only one of those factors are in my control...how I handle my anger towards her.
Now I have a path.
Based on her answer I'd get into MC immediately. If she won't go then go without her. It seems that anger management is the key to turning your MR around. MC or IC can help you with that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
