Thank you V, you are right I have to put myself first and stop thinking about saving the MR at this point. Tonight he started to say he wants to discuss custody and wants 50-50 as soon as he moves out. I was too emotional so never responded, let alone validate. This is the same person who at one point called our children an "unfortunate complication" of this MR. My head tells me he wants a fast track D so he knows trying to get the children away from me is the best way to break me. I can show strength in all other aspects but I have 2 little babies, I did not birth them to be involved in only half their childhood. My heart is again making me weak as I only am thinking as a mother at this point. I know they need their father but I am not in a position to give them up for half the time. I know I am believing in everything he is saying, but it is so hard to master emotions. I have no problems with H moving out, it might be healthy for all of us at this time but losing my Ds for half the time is not something I am ready to digest.
Please get L advice, you need this soonest. Validating bad behaviour is not appropriate. Do not validate this.
Validation is for feelings not behaviour and for feelings which are appropriate. There is no way this man should get 50% custody and no sane court would permit that with children so young. This WH is trying to cut the cost of his D and his maintenance by saying and doing this. He doesn't want to pay you child support and is after the house.
It is time to get mama bear and fight for your children.
This is evil behaviour and I truly don't like it.
Please get L advice clearly WH has.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Arsh -sorry you have to go thru this difficult adjustment. It is now time to really focus on protecting you and your little ones. we are all with you. Blessings on your journey
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thanks for your advice and support V, it brings me a lot of courage. Lonewlf, thanks for your kind words. God only knows how much I need it going thru this.
I had actually consulted a L when all this started and she had said it is better if he moved out. But in terms of custody there is nothing I can do right now unless I want to proceed with separation agreements which will only make the D easier for him with the custody sorted out. So it really is a catch 22 for me.
I was taking both Ds out on Sunday and we got delayed by half hour than planned with feeding and getting them both ready. D3 had her toys all over the place and the houselooked messy and I didnt have a chance to clean it up. H completely lost it just as we were leaving. H to me - You are still here, just procrastinating not leaving. You are not giving me anytime at all if you leave late H to D3 - What mess have you made here with all the toys? I - Let it all be as is, I will clean it up once I get back. H - Ya right! H - I need you all to leave right now, Just get the f**ing hell out of my house. All 3 of you, I am done with you, get out D3 got scared as I started putting her shoes on H - Get out I - Ok H, we are leaving
Before we left, he suddenly got a pang of guilt I guess, came and hugged D3. She was upset in car asking me why daddy was scolding her.
for the first time, all this was in front of his sister who lives with us but travels for most part of the week. She had no comments, she has decided to side with her brother. They were never close before, but just before BD he started getting really close to her. Does not discuss personal stuff but are buddies sharing jokes and hanging out now. He still does not socialize with anybody else.
On return he was being extra nice to her, made dinner and had the house clean. once he had his time to chill, swim(went after 3 months) and go out he was relaxed by the time we came back.To his credit, he does do most of the cooking and cleaning as if in competition so I do not get a chance to do it at all
At night he wanted to have D talks once kids went to bed.
Confirmed he was moving out aug 1. Said he will not be able to pay mortgage and rent on an apartment so he will split only the equity part of mortgage with me, does not want to pay for interest, insurance, maintenance and taxes on house. H - you have been sitting on your @$$ doing nothing about this, its been 3 months. You have put me in a bad place financially, i have to pay rent and bear the mortgage payments and I cant do all mortgage. Why are you not making decisions? I - I am still processing all that you are saying, it takes me time to understand and come to decisions. H- It has been 3 months, what are you still processing? I - I am trying to understand all this, its a life altering decision and it takes me time. H - You took me granted for all these years and did not have problems processing things then, saying so walks away before I can respond.
Also for fathers day, he did not want to go out with Ds. I took both of them out by myself, it was hard to manage the two little ones and see how everybody else was a full family enjoying themselves but I dont suppose that ache is going away anytime soon.
How does one keep hopes alive of a healthy MR again and recon? I have not given up, never will but WAH's determination is unwavering.
Arsh- so sad that your Ds have to witness a monster in their dad as he is swearing at you. Again there is no need for this blatant sign of disrespect. I would just say untill you can talk to me like an adult then this conversation is over- and walk away. As per him being now close to his sibling. My wife disliked her oldest brother- to the point where she made comments to him on his wedding day in regards to him treating his wifes family like royalty and him treating his own family like peasants. She would only make obligatory calls to him at Christmas and on his birthday nothing else. Now because she needs someone to side with her she calls him once a week. Funny how they change their stripes!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Please don't placate this awful ranting in front of your children, lonewolf is absolutely correct and I agree with him. It's disrespectful so I would just go 'whatever and walk away.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Arsh, wow there are so many things wrong with what your husband has said and with his mindset. I'm a little confused by everything because I remember you saying you and your husband would move to another state after the divorce but now it sounds like you'll stay in the house and he'll simply move to another place in the same state / city? And his sister will live with him when he moves?
There is so much wrong with what's happening it's hard to even know where to start commenting. As I understand, you and your husband both work and have similar jobs so it's not "his" house and he can't blame you for any financial pressure he feels because he's doing this to himself! How can he believe his own words? You're equal to him in every way!
Also your husband's sister living with you - so she's around many times in your house not helping you with the kids and she's on your husband's side? This doesn't sound fair at all.
There are times when we all blow up over the house being a mess and we blame our spouse but the way your husband spoke to you in front of your daughters isn't acceptable at all. Even if he felt guilty and was nicer later, your older daughter will remember the outburst, not the nice gestures later.
I know you already know all of this, but it's such a nightmare you're living in. I can't imagine how you're able to work and care for your daughters with this monster around.
Is there any way for you and your daughters to leave temporarily? Like stay with a friend until he leaves on August 1st? Hopefully if it's just a few more weeks until he leaves and you can get through it but packing up and leaving for a few weeks yourself sounds pretty appealing although logistically so difficult with kids.
My sense is if you still hope to save the marriage, the sooner you can be physically away from your husband, the faster his anger will subside and he'll begin to think more rationally.
