My little daughters deserve a happy home, help!

[arsh18]

Thank you LoneWlf, V, Maika and Eric. I have actually been working on V's suggestion of writing up the goals again in my own words, I will post them tomorrow but some other $hit hit the fan today so wanted to vent here first.
As usual I was all set to take Ds out before H could come home so we spend as little time as possible. I bring them back by D6 month's bed time typically.
H was in bad mood before we left, the house was in a mess with 2 kids, he said "put some efforts cleaning it" I said " sorry, its hard in the morning rush leave it as is, I will get back home and will clean up once the kids get to bed". By the time we got back he had cleaned the house so I thanked him and said sorry I didnt have a chance earlier to clean it.
Both the kids were in a nasty mood today once we got back, both of them were crying and I was trying to get them both to sit and feed dinner.
H- I have decided to move out on aug 1, i have booked an apartment.
I - Ok xxxx
H - you are sitting on your @$$ doing nothing about this, i had said I want to move to another state you havent made that happen thru work.
H- it is too late to sell house this year, it will have to be next year now.
I- were you expecting me to look into selling the house? I wasnt aware.
H- No, but you are not doing anything, not willing to talk and move things forward. I am going to f**ing add in the D as a clause that you move
I- what do you want to talk about, tell me
H - Just Call you mother to help you out, i cant stay here any longer like this.
I - my mom is not in a position to come, its fine.
All this with 2 kids crying loudly and I rushing around to get them to start eating.
What i have not told him so he does not feel guilty and not shared on the forum is, my mom has gone into a deep depression over my sitch. For someone from my cultural background, D is not a common thing and there is a lot of worry and stigma about it. She is currently being treated for depression so I talk to her over the phone bare minimum.
I was very upset when she got into this state and couldnt bear the guilt but I told myself I have bigger problems to worry about and I cannot handle how she manages her problems, she at least has my father looking after her.
My LRT and not initiating R and D convos, H is seeing them as not wanting to sort things with him. As much as I know I have to be strong, it is heart wrenching to know that he finds living with me so unbearable that he has to leave the little Ds too.
I couldnt validate or state my boundaries about no swearing, the situation was very tense with the children crying so I just neglected him and started paying attention to Ds.
Am I terribly failing at DB, I know it is to improve myself and I do feel better but there does not seem to be an ounce of change in him. My efforts to save the MR dont seem to be paying off in anyway.
It is just so hard emotionally trying to keep it all together and continuing with whatever normalcy is possible in life. Sorry I am very emotional so the post is very long.

[Davide]

Why do you think you are failing? I see you heroically keeping your calm in a complete sh@t-storm of a situation. You are doing a great job, especially under those conditions.

That said, I think the situation might actually be better if/when your H leaves the house. Getting distance from him would be really healthy for you. The less you have to interact with his nastiness the better for your detachment and mental health.

You are doing great. Hang in there.

[LoneWlf]

Very tough situation Arsh. I am feeling for you. There are both pros and cons to separating. When you are both under the same roof , your H can physically see the transformation of you being the best you. When you are separated it may make him miss you even more(absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think you handled your sitch the best you could. Stay positive!

[Maika]

Arsh - you are in a tough situation right now. He is behaving like a fool and immature child. I know you want to focus on your goals, and you should, but there are more urgent matters to figure out.

What are your plans once he moves to the apartment? Is he going to help out with the kids? Start planning for his departure and what that will look like.

I will disagree here and say that let the separation happen. You are going through ups and downs based on his moods and reactions, and with two little kids it is very hard to get DBing down and also take the time and space for yourself. I can tell you that most people who do in-house separation are highly miserable. There's tons of folks here who did that and it was madness.

I did it for almost a month and it was hell. Only when I physically separated, was I able to take the time and space and not deal with ridiculous moods from W.

So, don't worry about him moving out. Just worry about what life will be for you and the kids and how you will transition to essentially being a single parent.

I think this is most likely your priority. In the mean time before he moves out, stay cool and chill, validate and have your boundaries in place.

I am so sorry you're in this situation. I can't imagine how this is with such little children. He's truly an a$$hole.

[arsh18]

Davide, LoneWlf and Maika, It really helps me when I read that folks are supporting me , thank you for your responses.

That said, I think the situation might actually be better if/when your H leaves the house. Getting distance from him would be really healthy for you. The less you have to interact with his nastiness the better for your detachment and mental health.

You are doing great. Hang in there.

Thanks Davide, it might turn out to be better, rather I have no other choice but to hope so and make the best of what I am dealt with. It is just so hard to compartmentalize.

When you are separated it may make him miss you even more(absence makes the heart grow fonder

Thanks Lonewlf, I have been trying to be the best I can be but it doesnt seem to affect him, he has decided to turn a blind eye to it. So I am telling myself he needs to go on his own journey to figure out the root of his pain and depression is inside him and not me.

What are your plans once he moves to the apartment? Is he going to help out with the kids? Start planning for his departure and what that will look like.

Great advice Maika, I am going to look for nannies so I can transition the kids slowly. The biggest challenge is going to be the house too, we have a huge one and winters can be brutal with all the maintenance, but well all I can do is suck it up and keep moving forward I guess.

I can't imagine how this is with such little children. He's truly an a$$hole.

This is all so unlike him. He has been a great guy for 15 years and suddenly just goes berserk. I seemed to have fallen for, got married and had children with an idiot so I have to somehow see myself through this.

I was not sure if he really wanted to move yet, this guy has wavered from moving in a few days to wanting to stay together after D and now wanting to move out again in matter of 2 months, each day is a new story. But this morning I found an apartment brochure conveniently left on my car seat, he has found an ultra lux apt with rent more than the mortgage of our home. Even this is unlike his frugal, smart spending habits. The place is 50 mins away from home, he had originally said he will live close by so he can be around for the children.
I wish he had stayed so the Ds would have had their parents for longer and changed his mind, but if it is meant to be it will be I suppose.

[SteveLW]

arsh, sorry. But I think this flip-flopping, and erratic behavior is indicative of what you would have to put up with, at least for a while. It just seems so strange to me. I can't relate to him at all.

But part of the problem is that you've continued to put too much stock in what he says. Believe nothing he says. And only half of what he does.

I know I've asked you before if you think he might have any homosexual tendencies. The reason I ask is because I know in your culture that is very looked down upon. If that is what is afflicting him it is possible that it would manifest in anger, depression, resentment, and erratic behavior. It is curious that after saying he'd be close he chooses a place nearly an hour away. What is he trying to hide? What is he going there for?

All of the signs are just so weird and strange I can't help but wonder if his struggle is as much internal as external. Knowing that if his "secret" ever came out the shame it would cause.

I may be way out in left-field here but again, I just don't understand his behavior at all in any rational way.

[arsh18]

But part of the problem is that you've continued to put too much stock in what he says. Believe nothing he says. And only half of what he does.
All of the signs are just so weird and strange I can't help but wonder if his struggle is as much internal as external. Knowing that if his "secret" ever came out the shame it would cause.

You are absolutely right Steve, I still believe everything he says. I have only perfected the act as if, I am not nearly as detached as I thought I was. Just because he has planted a brochure doesnt mean he will be moving in there, I should know better by now.

There is absolutely no rationale in what he is doing and it is completely opposite of the real him. It is like he pauses, wonders what he would have done normally and does the complete opposite. He is the king of 180 in a negative way.
If there was any $exual identity issue then may be I would have known and moreover we are both open and modern view individuals, I dont think he would exit the MR blaming me for the 'controlling' and 'lost his identity' problems.
But all this goes to show how much he still has control on how I feel and react, time to get back to the DR book again and relearn the techniques.

[Davide]

Arsh,

You brought up Eternal Sunshine in Maikas thread.

God, that has long been one of my favorite movies. Long before I met my W. But it is even more apropos now. The ending always spoke to me. They go through a hellish breakup and the (creepy) relationship with Elijah Wood, and at the end Kate Winslet gets all the tapes and files and realizes everything that has happened between them, and she (and they) choose to try it again, to risk the same result. It wasnt just romantic it was brave. To (re)start a relationship with their eyes wide-open, knowing how painful it can get, and still choosing to love.

Now that we are in our current sitches I dont know if I can even bear to watch that ending again.

[Maika]

I have also loved that movie forever. I recently put it on my netflix to watch list and it's been sitting there for a while. I think I am at a place where I can watch it now again. I am sure it will bring up emotions, but it can also be cathartic. What a brilliantly moving film.

[Vanilla]

Honey

Nothing about this is anything to do with you or your 'failings'. None of it. At all. This is strictly your WH being an ass hat.

DB is for you, if you are wanting to save yourself then DB is it. What you do and who you are is vital to putting you in the strongest position for yourself and your precious children.

Your WH is abusing you in front of your children and that has the effect of putting them at risk.

Whilst your mum's depression is sad it's not your job to cure.

You carry a heavy burden, just that on it's own will make you question everything you know. You deserve better.

V