I haven't been able to respond to your threads but one thing I had wanted to say is if your husband's plan is that you'll all move together to a new state, and will start to live separately at that time - does that work for you? It seems a bit unfair to be expected to move yourself and the kids just because your husband wants to be in a place where his bad actions are more anonymous. You'd be leaving behind your own home and network of friends. Perhaps you want to go too but if you don't then that's an area where you may need some external help to figure out where everyone will live and when.
I know how it is trying to detach with a little kid. You have two, and with a baby you're probably not getting much sleep. It seems it'll be a lot easier when you're actually divorced and your husband has the kids during his custody time. Then you'll have time to yourself to detach more. For the time being it seems you shouldn't put much more pressure on yourself because there isn't much time left in each day aside from caring for the children, working, housework, and cooking. It seems for people in our situations we have to depend more on activities that we can do with our kids and things that can be done at home while they're sleeping like meditation or reading or listening to music.
Perhaps you can do a few one-time things like getting a new hair style, buying some new clothing items, or going for a long walk alone to try to start detaching more.
I just wonder what's wrong with your husband. I was on a family camping trip this past weekend and I was the only single mom among 20 or 30 families. Every other family seemed happy together and were laughing and joking. I saw all the dads, even South Asian ones, caring for the kids and helping their wives. I don't know what's wrong with our husbands who see their family as so intolerable they must leave whereas most husbands love their families and feel responsible for them. What kind of upbringing did your husband have? Did he suffer instability in his family or was he treated badly by his parents? There must be some root cause. Not that you can control anything that he's doing and comparing him to all the great husbands and dads will only make you feel worse, but for me it was a reminder and realization of just how bad my husband really is.
I hope you can learn the right things to say and do to reduce your husband's anger and fighting in front of the kids. It seems like another adult needs to be in the house to mediate. He sounds out-of-control and he's trying to further weaken you when you're already in a damaged and weak state. Too bad you can start living separately immediately to get out of this toxic situation.
I really hope for a quick positive outcome for you, whatever it may be. This current situation just sounds so so difficult and you're doing the best you can.
Perhaps you can do a few one-time things like getting a new hair style, buying some new clothing items, or going for a long walk alone to try to start detaching more.
I have been treating myself to some shopping therapy in a small scale, but yes GAL for moms with small children is almost impossible.
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Not that you can control anything that he's doing and comparing him to all the great husbands and dads will only make you feel worse, but for me it was a reminder and realization of just how bad my husband really is.
oh, that is one of the worst feelings really, seeing happy families and knowing our babies will never have that basic need fulfilled.
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I really hope for a quick positive outcome for you, whatever it may be. This current situation just sounds so so difficult and you're doing the best you can.
- Thanks Nicole, there are times that I feel a physical separation might actually be better than living in constant pressure, nonetheless, I have no choice but to somehow be strong enough to make it a happy home for the children. Like everyone else here some days I am okay and some days I just cant beat the feeling of gloom and doom.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/29/1807:42 AM. Reason: fix quote
Speaking of goal setting and working on self, WAH seems to be exactly on that track. He has in fact said 'after I let you go I am more productive' - feels he is a better father and spends more quality time with kids, I do not agree to this because he is angry more often at D3 - has lost weight before and after BD and maintains a good diet - extremely engaged with house hold chores, cooks, cleans which is new territory for him Is this typical of a WAS? why would they need a D to become a better person or work on themselves? I have been acknowledging everything he does around the house and get a grunt in return. Although I did not do this until now, I have finally let him be independent with all this since he seems to be wanting it his own way. Am I handling this well?
I don't know. In January when my husband wanted to get divorced he spoke of getting a clean slate and having the freedom to make his own decisions. I guess they view us as shackles from which they need to break free to find their happiness. It's just hard to imagine how destroying one's own family could lead to happiness. We can't see it because we'd never be so selfish.
One of those days where I am trying to put in words the pain I feel. I keep trying to stay away from home as much as possible. My GAL with 2 small children is not something crazy fun but just kid friendly activities, especially with D3 and leaving baby home with H sometimes. Convos at home are restricted to children and only when necessary. No friendliness, chit chat or casual daily updates. H still talks to me with lot of anger and derision even for simple questions not pertaining to MR at all. It still hurts so much, the fact that the MR is on a slow death, H's hate and contempt for me and my inability to change anything about saving the MR all these are like thousands swords every single day. Even after 3 months of BD is it supposed to hurt so much? I have horrible days and not so horrible days, the not so horrible days are slowly increasing. in my case I never got to the anger phase. I went from disbelief to depression and denial to disappointment and going through slow acceptance. Why am I not angry? otherwise I am such a hot blooded person with a short fuse. Is this common?
arsh, we all go through this journey in our own way. You will feel anger at some point. It is one of the stages we LBSs go through. But I wouldn't worry that you are not there yet.
Remember, kill him with kindness. When he is unfriendy, you remain friendly. When he is angry you remain calm. When he responds with derision you respond with softness. Likely he is wanting you to snap back, be angry, and return his derision. Then in his mind he can be "we aren't getting along, this is the right decision!" He is trying to create what he wants. Don't fall for it.
As far as pain, yes the pain lasts a long time. Even now I still have moments of pain from things that happened in January. Things she said in February. The fact that she was willing to throw away our family for a selfish dream of being on her own. And we are now 3 months into R.
There is nothing fun about DBing. No one ever woke up in the morning during their sitch and thought "Yeay! I get to work on detachment today!" Even the GAL feels more like work than fun. Especially when your sitch is weighing heavy on your heart. I would be out with my friends and my mind would be back in the middle of my sitch.
So anger will come. But the pain will linger. No matter what happens you'll feel pangs of regret over things well into the future.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, thank you thank you thank you!! This is what I wanted to boost my energy. Kill with Kindness is so perfectly said. I am framing that and putting it up on my mind's mantel to keep reminding myself of it for a long time to come.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Remember, kill him with kindness. When he is unfriendy, you remain friendly. When he is angry you remain calm. When he responds with derision you respond with softness. Likely he is wanting you to snap back, be angry, and return his derision. Then in his mind he can be "we aren't getting along, this is the right decision!"
For now I have decided to consider H as my 3rd child throwing extreme tantrums. I have infinite patience for my babies, H needs that too right now. If he continues with D process I cannot stop it but I will not abet it either.
Hi Maika, yes I am thinking of getting some IC, have scheduled an appt. Separation under same roof is hard, even if I am a little cheerful having spent some time outside, it gets snubbed once I get back. Seems like it is hard for his mood to not upset me because if he is in one of those he will take a punch at me with his words. But as long as he continues living at home, the kids have both parents and just maybe a chance to R if he even tries to see any positive changes in me. Well, I have to make the most of whatever I have.
I have always wondered, are there any stats that show which sitch has a better chance at recon? physical separation ones or staying under same roof after BD?
