He keeps saying be amicable so it is good for us in the long run
I would agree with him. What he has been doing to you is quite cruel, but it does not change the fact. I consulted a divorce lawyer at some point, and that was the smartest thing he told me: What you do during the divorce will reflect all your lives. Among other things it is also a public record, God forbid you do something nasty and your kids decide one day to read about their parents divorce...
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He has become extremely helpful at home chores which is a 180 for him. Cooks, clean and even did our laundry for the first time ever. I am not sure how to read this.
I think it may help you to try to look at him primarily as the father of your kids. I think this is what he is trying here. (He probably feels a lot of guilt too).
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In another convo he said this M has no love, affection or respect, so I just said I am sorry you feel that way but please speak for yourself I do not feel that, at which he got more bitter and launched another verbal attack
Saying you were sorry how he felt was spot on. You may want to refrain from pointing out that you did not feel the same way... It is a form of pursuing ("We had good moments too...").
I think you did great to set ground rules. If he wants to live together, he needs to help with the situation, not making it worse (especially for kids). You did the right thing focusing on your daughter and not on him during his tantrum.
Not sure if it is possible, but you may want to find appropriate time when he is not angry, and tell him that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. You do not need to accuse him of anything. Just point out you agreed to keep the kids out of your conflicts and him screaming in front of the kids is unacceptable. He may scream again, do not retort, but do not back down either.
When you enforce boundaries, the other person will get angry because you're following through and standing up for yourself.
My W got pissed off me too in the beginning when I didn't just roll over for her. I know it's hard to keep your strength and composure in the beginning, but match his anger with you being calm and cool. It will have a huge effect.
In this situation, take your kids and just leave the room. if he gets abusive, then call the cops. I know that you probably don't want to do that, but you have to think of your kids. Him yelling at you in front of them is very traumatic. I remember those episodes with my parents and till to this day it reminds me how scary it was and how I felt helpless being such a little person.
Don't back down from your boundaries. They are in place for you and your kids. If he's going to go unhinged, he'll have to face the consequences. If he continues yelling at you even with you enforcing boundaries, I would seriously consider contacting authorities and getting help. Vanilla has amazing advice if things get more abusive and she'll be able to tell you what you can do.
Thanks Eric, your input was very helpful. I still have a lot of things to work on.
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I think it may help you to try to look at him primarily as the father of your kids.
I know what you are saying is true, it is just so hard to detach to that level yet, I am aware every minute that it is what I need to do, but mentally I am not there yet.
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Saying you were sorry how he felt was spot on. You may want to refrain from pointing out that you did not feel the same way... It is a form of pursuing ("We had good moments too...").
Oh when put that way it sounds so pursuing and I have been attempting to completely back off giving him the space he needs. Thanks for pointing it out. I will work on the pursuit/distance aspect more.
Thanks Maika, I will make sure to be calm and face him.
Originally Posted By: Maika
if he gets abusive, then call the cops.
He is not the kind of person he has become and even now it is just anger and verbal, I know probably all LBSs say it but even if the R does not work out I still want to make sure things are amicable because at the end of the day my children need a stable father. Every day I am hoping things improve and he gets out of the fog but I have come to realize I cannot control it. I will make sure there is no harm to me or the children and I do believe strongly that it would never get there. Thanks for all the guidance though Maika, it always helps me.
First thing this morning H starts off saying he hardly slept and has been suffering from insomnia and been depressed for a year. I am dragging the D process and making him suffer. This is after 2.5 months of BD, said get that counseling done and your head sorted. I was quiet and have been out of his way taking kids out as much as I can. No idea what he expects from me and why he continues staying at home if I am so insufferable
It is clear he needs some help , will not listen to my suggestion of getting some therapy. Has just decided the D papers finalized will be his redemption, family and friends suggestions for seeking help is of no use either. Any advice on how to proceed
H has been calling me selfish because I have set a specific time to discuss D items and it is coming up soon. Is it ok to talk about the following to him - 1) request to get some therapy something on lines of I want him to be happy too and it is important for our Ds that he is. 2) keeps saying wants freedom from burden of our M, is it okay to tell him I have emotionally set him free, have zero expectations from him and I have no control over the legal process? I want to save the M at any cost, but want to appear I am not pursuing, are these things ok to do?
How does someone in my sitch do NC or go dark? we live together taking care of 2 small Ds, communicate frequently about children, I do not initiate convo unless it is about children and keep my replies to him only to topic. H is angry when I do not explicitly keep him informed, it is a 180 for me because I used to communicate every single thought in my head earlier 1) I took kids out last week, when he came home and did not see us was angry that I did not tell him where we were going 2) I went to visit a sick friend and he got mad that I did not tell him how our friend was doing while H was home watching children, H never asked our friend directly how he was. Is my action too independent as if I do not care anymore and is that why he is angry? Any suggestions of how I should tweak this? He is aware I am still very eager to keep the M because of the mediator episode and I do not know how to show him I have let him go? I am working on it but in the meantime I want to fake it until I actually make it.
Arsh, detach, don't go dark. Dark is for people that are separated physically. You need to validate his feelings. Respond when he asks things, just don't be the starter of conversations. sandi says treat him like you would the cashier at the store, be friendly, but not overly sharing.
Please forget about him getting therapy. Therapy is a waste of time until the person makes the decision that they need it. You can't control him or his depression. He has to deal with that.
On 1) "Sorry you feel that way. But since you are leaving the MR I feel no obligation to keep you informed of my every movement."
on 2) "Sorry you are angry about that, however, if you are interested in how he is doing I would suggest you ask me."
You are doing great. Keep it up. His anger is showing he isn't being honest about his feelings towards the MR.
READ THE VALIDATION THREAD.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
