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Originally Posted By: OrangeK
MTB, any updates? this seems an unusually long time for you not to post about some crazy new things WW has done.

I hope all is well and your weekend was good.

Things have been pretty quiet since Thursday when I found out about the calls to the police and her accusing me of braking into her house and recording her. Friday was when she stopped by the house and then called and asked me for 10 bucks. This weekend, my oldest son was staying with me. He's 15 and old enough to watch the younger ones, so after I put the little ones in bed, I made it out of the house for a little bit while he played video games and kept an eye on things at home. I decided to go to a local bar for a few drinks. It happens to be the bar W got fired from. I used to like going there before all this happened and hadn't been there in a while. Now that W is no longer affiliated with it, I felt comfortable stopping in. I was there for about 15 minutes, and started getting calls from W that I did not answer. I have a feeling she knew I was there. I saw one of OM's friends as I was walking in. I think he may have called her and told her I was there. Or it could have just been a coincidence that she called. Either way, I decided to leave in case she decided to come up there. Went to a friend's house and spun some records for a couple hours and then headed home. Yesterday there was no contact. I took the kids fishing this weekend, and they all had a good time...

I'm kind of surprised W didn't show up to the house Sat or Sun. She made comments both Thurs and Fri that she was coming to get stuff from the house the next day. She has all of her stuff, now she's trying to take marital property. She wants all the decorations from the house, all the DVDs, and a deep freezer. I couldn't care less about the DVDs and decorations, but I actually use the freezer. She wouldn't use it, but claims it's hers because her mother bought it for us a few years ago. I'm assuming she wants to try to sell it. Same with the DVDs and decorations. She's desperate for money and selling/pawning things seems to be her thing. She stole some 1 ounce silver coins from me about a month ago, and I heard through the grapevine that she's been trying to sell them to a few people in town. They wouldn't buy them because they said the whole thing seemed shady and they thought they might have been stolen...

Hopefully, she's getting the hint that I'm not going to enable her by giving her money and she stops coming over. I'm to the point that every time my phone rings or someone rings my door bell I get a pit in my stomach because I don't want to deal with anymore of her drama. I told her to text me in advance if she wants to come by to see the kids or get something, but she usually just shows up. It's kind of funny that this all started because she wanted space, and now I'm the one that wants the space...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

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mtb, just continue to record all interactions with her. Not sure what lawas are in Illinois about wiretapping, but ask your L if you have to disclose that she is being recorded.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
mtb, just continue to record all interactions with her. Not sure what lawas are in Illinois about wiretapping, but ask your L if you have to disclose that she is being recorded.

I haven't been recording call. I only recently started taking videos on my phone when she shows up at the house. My reason for doing this is to have some sort of proof that I'm not doing anything wrong in case she falsely accuses me of something. She had made a comment to people that I got physical with her one time when she stopped by, when it was actually the other way around. I was standing in the doorway and she shoved and pushed her way through when I wouldn't move. So now, I just start recording and hold the phone in my hand, so there will be some record of me not doing anything in case she tries to say I did...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

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Yep, that is what I meant. Might want to start recording phonecall too though. Plenty of apps out there to do that.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Starting to have doubts and wondering if filing for D was the right thing to do. Called the L last Friday, paid the retainer, and told him to start the process. D is something I never wanted, and I'm afraid I may have jumped the gun and acted on emotions after all the crap that happened Thursday night with the false accusations. On one hand, I'm tired of dealing with the drama. W right now is someone I do not want to be with. On the other hand, sometimes I think this is something she might pull through. Just a difficult time in her life and maybe I should just wait it out. I take my M very seriously. When I said my vows, I meant them. W has never once said she wanted a D. It has always been she wanted a separation. Several times throughout all of this, she has made comments that she wants to work on things, yet her actions are the complete opposite. At the same time, I feel like a fool when W is running around doing inappropriate things and acting like an idiot...

I'm torn. Part of me thinks she's just playing nice and buying time to get her ducks in a row and find a lawyer. Appeasing me by saying she wants to work on things when she really doesn't. Yet, she has not pushed for D at all, or said that's what she wants. Maybe half-heartedly said it during an argument, but it never really had any weight behind it. I'm seriously thinking about calling the law office and just telling them to hold off...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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mtb, this is completely up to you. There is no right or wrong here. As I've stated, from my perspective, the on thing that justifies D in my mind is a PA. There is no doubt in my mind that she has crossed that bridge.

It is your MR. If you are not ready to give up on it despite her infidelity, no one can tell you otherwise. However, no one would criticize you for saying enough is enough. The ball is in your court, I think you are justified in whatever you decide to do.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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I just got off the phone with the L and told him to hold off for now. I have 2 main reasons for this...

1) I really do want to save my M. Despite all the craziness, there is always a chance she can snap out of this. Reading the different stories on this forum, I've realized spouses can do some weird stuff. Especially when MLC are involved. Is that what she's dealing with? I don't know, but I do know that turning 30 and her feeling like she missed out on her youth was a big part of all this. Like I mentioned earlier, I take M very seriously. And if I temporarily went off the deep end, I would hope that my W would be there for me if I came out of it and was remorseful.

2) As petty as this may sound, I don't want to give her any money. It wouldn't be for child support, because I'm almost positive the kids would end up staying with me due to her absence and complete lack of interaction with them. But the laws changed here a couple years ago, and spousal support or maintenance has become the default in most cases. W was a stay at home mom for years, so I would most likely have to make monthly support payments to her. As of now, I'm not giving her anything. She has all her stuff out of the house. She still wants a shelf, a freezer, and some miscellaneous dishes and DVDs. She can have it. I don't care. I believe once she has those things, she'll be out of my hair (hopefully). But right now, she is broke and the reality of having to take care of herself is slowly setting in. I don't want to have to give her money to make this any easier for her. On top of that, she is an addict and the last thing she needs is more "free" money. If she has any chance of getting better, she's going to have to hit the bottom and hit it hard. Getting monthly payments from me is only going to hinder that process...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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Originally Posted By: mtb1981
D is something I never wanted, and I'm afraid I may have jumped the gun and acted on emotions after all the crap that happened Thursday night with the false accusations. On one hand, I'm tired of dealing with the drama. W right now is someone I do not want to be with. On the other hand, sometimes I think this is something she might pull through.


I can't imagine she is going to snap out of this. There seems to be a pattern of drug abuse and maybe mental illness there, and she's not addressing it and has no desire to address it. Obviously the purpose of these forums is to help people bust their divorces, but yours is one of very, very few cases I've encountered in my time here where it seems like D is the best and maybe only way to protect yourself. Maybe she'll hit rock bottom in the future and get her act together, and if she does you can always reconcile then and maybe even get remarried. But until then I think you're doing what is best for you and the kids as far as keeping her at arm's length and refusing to let her into the house and give her money and such.

Quote:
Several times throughout all of this, she has made comments that she wants to work on things, yet her actions are the complete opposite.


WAS's will often dangle the carrot of hope out there in order to blackmail the LBS into giving them something they want. I wouldn't interpret that as her genuinely being interested in reconciling.

Quote:
Part of me thinks she's just playing nice and buying time to get her ducks in a row and find a lawyer.


You think she's playing nice right now? Ummmm.....


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
You think she's playing nice right now? Ummmm.....


Hahaha... No, I get what you're saying. In the past week, she has been far from playing nice. I was referring to her not pushing for D, and acting like she wants to R. Just trying to keep the wool over my eyes to buy time. I know she was trying to get help through CEFS that directed her to a group that gives free legal services in civil cases to low income eligible people. And from what I hear, the waiting list is quite long...

I guess what I'm getting at is sometimes I feel like Lenny looking across the field, and she's George telling me that I get to tend to the rabbits while holding the gun to the back of my head...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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mtb1981 Offline OP
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And thank you for your response, AS. These are things I need to hear. They are things I already know, but sometimes when you start to doubt your thoughts, it helps to be reminded. L is actually on vacation right now. It was his assistant I spoke with. I set up a meeting with him next week when he gets back. They have the paperwork drafted, he just needs to look it over when he gets back. I will most likely tell him to go ahead and submit them then. I have a few questions I want to clear up with him before I pull the trigger. This is a huge decision, and I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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