New Year, new thinking..

[AndrewP]

Oh drat! I was going to tell you about an "adventure in housekeeping" since they can make you smile.

There's a blogger from Australia that I follow called Love Swah who has done a number of single-serve recipes. I've been making her "Lonely Girl Pancakes" for some time and decided to up my game with one of her single-serve cakes made in a mug.

Now - being a guy I don't always follow instructions and it didn't help that I didn't actually understand the instructions. They called for caster sugar which I had never heard of. A quick Google indicated that it was a finer sort of sugar so I rummaged in the depths of the cupboard (you remember my freezer? the cupboards were stocked by the same person) and found a large tub of icing sugar so I used that. It also seemed like too much sugar (I rarely eat sweets) so I put in less than called for.

I tried to mix it in the mug but that didn't go well - so poured the mix into a bowl and then back. So much for limiting the mess.

To cook the instructions said 1 minute in the microwave on medium. Well - my microwave has no "medium" setting so I guessed. After 1 minute the batter looked completely uncooked so the instructions suggested trying short bursts of more power. I - ahem - overdid it. Fortunately I thought to put the mug on a plate so when the mix inevitably oozed up and over the side it didn't make a mess inside the oven. Simultaneous with this my doorbell rang and a neighbour was there who wanted to ask me some questions about the back garden so I'm talking to him while the microwave is possibly about to have a minor cake explosion in the background. It was a short conversation

S23 and I had our cakes for dessert. He pronounced his as "needs work" and only managed 2 spoons. He said that it was bitter and probably needed the recommended amount of sugar. I did eat mine though and while he was right, I've learned not to be too particular about anyone's cooking. He did say that he would be willing to try it if I made it again.

As a laugh I posted a picture of my cake on Instagram and tagged LoveSwah on it. In her picture she had a candy egg perched on the top of her's. The less said about what happened to the candy eggs I used the better She's a lovely lass and probably had a laugh and made an encouraging comment back. My picture looked absolutely nothing like her's.

There - you smiled.

Oh and a friend of mine who is a professional baker and who reads cook-books for pleasure told me that caster sugar is just the regular every-day sugar we use here in Canada.

[Coly23]

Hello everyone! It's been a while so I thought I would post a little update. Also I wanted to get your thoughts/advice.

I've been getting on okay. Very busy at work but it keeps me going. D has a boyfriend now so spends a lot of time with him. I am very happy for her and he seems like a lovely young man.

Not much going on with the MLC'er at the moment. Saturday I started to clear out the garage after putting it off for a long time. I was just dreading having to contact H to ask him to collect his stuff. Although, a few weeks ago I was talking with H's friend who said that maybe I should sell all his stuff and keep the money because H wouldn't mind as he would do anything for an easy life! Typical, so I still have to do all the work!!

Anyway, I bit the bullet and texted H yesterday morning and asked if he had an hour to spare to pop over. I didn't tell him why but he came back straight away and said yes he would come over at 3.00pm if that time was okay with me. Anyway before he came over I got busy and sorted a lot of his stuff out. Some of his boxes I couldn't get to so I had to wait for him to come over. When he arrived I don't think he expected me to point to a large pile of his cr&p! I really think he thought I had invited him over for a social get together because he said he didn't have room in his car to take anything as he still has all the stuff I gave him in there from the loft back in February!

Anyway, I gave him a cold drink and he went through some of the bags. He suggested that he put it all back in the garage and will come back next weekend to remove it all. I wasn't happy, but didn't show it. He stayed for a couple of hours in the end and had a cup if tea with me. We did have a really good chat about stuff and a few laughs. It made me miss him even more.

When he comes to pick up his stuff next weekend after that there won't be any reason to see him again. I know that it will upset all me all over again but I'm not afraid to get upset in front of him anymore. However do I say to him that I guess we won't need to see each other anymore or do I just say goodbye and that will be that? I knew this was going to be hard, but I do need to do it because it feels like he is dragging it out because had has nowhere to put his junk not because he wants to remain connected.

This month will be two years since he left. He still has that look of indifference to me and awkwardness. I don't think he misses me but it was strange that he came over not knowing what he was being invited over for!

Happy Monday everyone!

[OwnIt]

Coly, so great to hear an update from you. But why does that have to be the end and why does there have to be an announcement even if it were? What would it change? I would try to be light and breezy about the stuff and leave the door open in case he ever wants to contact you. Sounds like you could invite him over for a cuppa (do you guys say that?) at some point in the future if you wanted and he would come right over.

Do you really think he is going to come back next weekend if you don't chase him to do so? This guy hasn't taken stuff from his car from February.

I think a lot of your sadness over this situation is that you have a habit, as I used to, of projecting today over the rest of your lives. In other words, because he is this way now, he will always be this way. Or because you feel this way now, you always will. I know 2 years is a long time, but in MLC world it is nothing.

I think trying to make it final like that would feel like pressure to him and it would commit you to something you might want to go back on at some point in the future.

I think it is a positive sign that he didn't know what it was and still came. You guys have always been so polite with one-another. That is really quite lovely.

[Coly23]

Thanks for coming back so quickly Own, I appreciate it.

I don't know Own, I guess I just think he thinks I am sat here waiting for him as evidenced by the fact that he probably thought I was inviting him over just to see him. Although D thinks he came over so readily because he really wanted to see us! She stayed in her room for most if his visit though!

This has happened so many times in that he won't initiate contact or speak up and not just with me. Recently it was our Godson's birthday and he was having a party at the hockey club H is a member/manager of. I offered to help out but was told that H might be there helping out so not a good idea. To be honest I would have gone anyway as it was for my Godson but the friends had made their mind up that I would be uncomfortable! Turns out H didn't go to the party in the end. They hoped he would offer but he didn't. He was waiting for them to ask!

Polite? I'm not sure, I just think tolerant. He tolerates me just for the sake of not looking bad to his friends. That's what it feels like.

I think he will come back at the weekend. He obviously wants to get this over and done with as much as me now that I have done all the hard work!

Yes we call it a cuppa here!

AP, sorry not ignoring you! Love your cooking adventures and so cute that you didn't know what caster sugar was!

[Coly23]

Hi All, hope you are all doing okay. Just a quick question.

Do you think it was cruel to ask H over and not tell him what it was about? I'm starting to doubt my actions now. The reason why I didn't say anything was because in the past he has just told me to leave whatever it is I needed him to pick up either in the porch or in the garage and he would stop by when he was nex working from home. I needed him to pick up his stuff because there was no room in the garage and our gardener needs access through the garage to the back garden.

I guess I wanted to make sure this was on my terms and I'm not hanging around wondering when he would collect his stuff. I just want an end to it. I don't want to have to keep contacting him to pick his things up. For the majority of the time I feel like I don't exist to him so why doesn't he just make it easier on himself and get it done. I do think it is pure laziness with him.

Sorry, I'm rambling! Someone at work made me stop and think when I explained what happened. They think he might have really thought we wanted him to have a social visit with us. I don't know. Dies it make any difference?

[DnJ]

Hi Coly, I do not think it was cruel. You asked him to come over and he did. This weekend you can ask him to come over and pick up his stuff (and invite him for a visit if that is what you want to do).

To be cruel you need to have some preconceived or willful intention to want to cause harm, I really do not sense that from you.

I can understand you starting to doubt your actions and reasons. I think the really good chat and you missing him even more, and the people at work, stirred up some emotions, and that is the source of your doubt. Nothing wrong with that. Shows you care, IMO.

I do agree with OwnIt. You do not have to look at this as final or announce it as such. There is no reason for you to commit to that. The future is not written yet and very much unknown.

So, I see that you think he wants a social visit with you. However, do you want to have a social visit with him?

[Coly23]

Hi DNJ, thanks so much for the visit.

It definitely wasn't meant to harm him. If, when he texted back, he asked the purpose I would have told him but he didn't. He just said he can come over at 3.00pm if that time is convenient to me.

Good question about whether I want a social visit with him. Off course, yes I do. But in the past it has been very painful when it was time to go so I stopped asking. Also he hardly initiated, only maybe once or twice and I was concious this could be perceived as pursuit so I stopped. As time has gone on the goodbye's are still hard but manageable and I can watch him walk away without getting anxious. Obviously afterwards and for a few days I feel very sad as evidenced by my posting!

I hate analysing theses visits. I thought I had gotten past this stage and accepted that whatever I do or say won't change anything but here I am again wondering if I have done the wrong thing!

For the majority of the time I leave him to it and dont contact him and he never initiates but I was surprised at how easily had agreed to come over at such short notice. All his friends say he does not have OW so should I invite him over every now and again? If he had OW I definitely wouldn't, that would be my boundary.

Anyway, I was wondering if I should ask him if he wants to come over for breakfast on Sunday before we start loading all his stuff? What does everyone think?

[AndrewP]

Coly - For quite some time you've been drifting in the stream (one of my favourite games is "Pooh sticks") but not really going anywhere.

It's generally frowned on here but have you given any thought to the "end game"? It appears from the outside that he's perfectly happy now 2 years out being "single" but with you storing his stuff for him and being the "bench wife" - to stretch a hockey analogy. You don't want to sit on the bench I know but have done so for a whole variety of reasons.

The things that I and others here had to deal with, the depression, the anger and yes, the infidelity don't seem to be a factor there. When you've talked about his parents, it seems that they have managed for years in a relationship similar to what he is perhaps thinking he has with you. I presume that he's not engaged in your D's life any more than perhaps an uncle would be and seems to treat you like a former room-mate / school chum who he likes to hang out with from time to time.

Those of us where things have dragged out with indecisiveness or perceived indecisiveness (I've gotten more cynical over the last 2 years) have a tough go of it because there's no spark or impulse to push us towards the end. For me as you may recall it was a single photograph in January of 2017 and now in May of 2018 I'm going to head up to the court to pick up my final papers in just a few minutes. Was my now ex indecisive? Did she have second thoughts? I'll never know. I need to live my life for myself and my children and not hang around waiting like a damsel with her kerchief waiting to toss to her knight errant should he happen by.

I absolutely hate "telling people what to do" so I'm going to phrase this gently. As one friend to another. What do you want that is within your grasp? You are the master of your fate. You are the captain of your soul.

((((Coly))))

[job]

Coly,

No, you didn't do anything wrong in asking him to come over. Had you been specific, he wouldn't have come over and most likely would have had an excuse not to come and help sort things out. If he doesn't return this weekend, what are you going to do about his "stuff"? You want it gone, right? Then you might want to think about renting a place at a storage facility in his name, move the stuff over there and give him the key and lease agreement. If you don't want to do that, I would seriously give him one final text and advise him that if he doesn't show up on a certain date, you are going to donate his stuff and follow through with it.

Coly, you have been his free storage facility for two years and he's not making a move to come get his stuff. Time to clean house completely and make it your place. He's very happy w/the way things are and doesn't plan to rock the boat.

Andrew gave you some very good "soft" advice. Listen to him. You are the author of your life story and no one else is allowed to write it for you. Think long and hard about what you want to do and go for it. Also, if your daughter was in this situation...what would you advise her to do?

Coly, it's time to focus on you, what you want and go for it.

[Coly23]

Hey Job, AP thanks so much for your posts!

I felt the gently tap of a 2x4 (and I mean gentle!) in both your posts and I thank you for not whacking me too hard but I also understand why you did it.

It is very difficult in my sitch as there is no OW and his reasons for leaving are not clear. However I am not looking for the 'end game' as I don't want to get divorced. If he suggests it, okay, I will reluctantly accept but I am not going to go there if I don't need to at the present. Why would I put myself through a process that will ultimately hurt me the most?

I have read many old posts on here for example 'ladybug' whose husband left, no obvious OW and after two years following a temp check by her was on her way to D because that's what her H decided he wanted. Six months later her H said he realised that's not what he wants and took steps to return. Now I'm not saying that it is like my sitch and I certainly don't want to use the threat of D but just my point about it being two years doesn't necessarily mean they are content with their choices and we have to 'do' something.

Also, I see the rational behind boundaries when your H/W has an OP. For example "I will not engage in any social events while you sill have OW/OM" but I can't use that boundary so that is why I struggle. But as Own said in her earlier post it might be a positive sign that he was happy to come over without knowing what it was for and not necessarily because he sees me as a 'chum' or former 'room mate'. I have not read of anyone's H/W on here who treats/ed the LBS like that. If there is an example I would like to read their sitch please.

AP, I think you are trying to tell me that this isn't MLC and he has just walked away and after two years has no intention of coming home and I should move on. This is what friends tell me who have no idea about this site or MLC. So now I am confused!

You are right he is like a distant uncle to D but not by choice. He still tries to communicate with her but I think he has pulled back because he realises she is still very angry with him and he is an avoider! He wished her luck for her exam in a text the other day but she refused to respond with even a thank you. I know I can't do anything with that relationship and I think he knows he has all but lost her but knowing my H he has pulled back because of his guilt as he knows he doesn't deserve a relationship with her anymore.

Job, I realise he has used me as a storage facility out of pure laziness and I absolutely don't want that anymore. He needs to come this weekend as my gardener is visiting next week and needs access to the garden through the garage and he is aware of this.

Okay, my plan is to let him come over, take his stuff and I will carry on as I have been. No invitation for social visits just getting on with my life with my D.

Thanks everyone. It's great to be able to talk it through!