I have been having a rough few days. Work has been very draining. The social worker is out to get me (I've been warned about her by management), my floor is a rather mentally draining and exhausting one with the family members. working on B-day which is a sunday in which I had plans stinks, and the one who knows everything is gone for 2 weeks. Oh, and all the rumors and jokes about my place of work shutting down isn't helping either.
The flip side is, I do really enjoy the job. This one is stressful, but I do enjoy it.
We had some sort of tornado like activity here which took out power in the school, so there was a 2 hour delay and then then they decided to resume school with no power. I didn't make it to work until 11. Hopefully they won't do the same tomorrow, its just not an option.
I've been suffering from some envy lately and while my IC ensures me it is normal and not a bad thing, I hate it. I envy particular people I know. I don't understand why they get love, partnership, intact family, nice houses, ect. and I don't. I am trying to figure out if this is a result of past sins, if I haven't paid enough yet, if I am a bad person, or what. But the people I envy have had greater transgressions than I, and they don't even feel bad about them. I am not saying they shouldn't have it, but I don't understand why I am underserving of these things. I can live without the money and the house, but the unloved alone thing I can barely tolerate anymore.
I have accepted some awful realities in my life, but this one I cannot. I cannot fathom that I have to live the rest of my life like this lonely. Or struggling this much.
It's not even a matter of perspective anymore. It's pain. There is nothing that can make this feel good. There is no lack of gratitude for health or child. I need what I am lacking. And I wish I didn't.
Last edited by job; 05/17/1803:52 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Oh, and I decided to go back to my old fitness program where I met FF. I was hesitant because those people are snobby and were rude when I went. I also know my friends from there are going to give me flack about it. But I need consistency now that PT is done and this place is less than 5 min away from my house. It's the only thing that works with all my other responsibilities with D10. Plus, my friend and her H go, and I would enjoy going with them.
I actually gave a crap about the crap my gym friends would talk, including FF's sister if they knew.And they will know.
Girl - you are not undeserving! But that childhood cloud you carry around with you may end up in some ways causing a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you haven't seen I Feel Pretty yet, please do.
Dating is a numbers game and truth be told, you've only dated a handful of men since your daughter was born. I know it's work and a hassle but you may need to go on a LOT more dates before you meet the right guy. You might also need to broaden the types of guys you look at.
I'm glad you're going back to the gym. You also need some adult weekend activities where you might meet men. Perhaps also a single parents group?
Oh ginger, how I wish you were closer to NC so I could bring you into my circle and get you away from the woh is me feeling. I realize that so much going on at work has you feeling overwhelmed, but I hope you embrace the challenge, you are a educated and experienced nurse, you can do this. Do you have any people in your network that can offer guidance, someone who deals with similar responsibilities? If so, don't reinvent the wheel, reach out for advice.
As for gym, just do it. Sometimes we can over analyze things, but many times it's better to just do it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I probably do carry around that childhood cloud with me.
I guess it's been a handful of men since my daughter was born, but people have much better luck than I in 10 years time. I feel as if I must be defective.
Coconut, you nailed a big part of it. You both did. I feel horribly trapped. I have been wanting to move for a long time. I have nothing here. No family except for a cousin and my dad and stepmom who still live an hour and a half away and I see maybe once or twice a month. It is soooooo expensive to live here, I almost make 6 figures and I live paycheck to paycheck. My friends are great, but they have families. I know so many people who have made a big move and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to them. It's not an option for me.
Boy do I need adult time. I have work, but I need fun adult time. My last adult time was the Mets game with gayboy. I had that weekend free, but my friends weren't. I spent it alone. This weekend I am going to the BeerBBQBacon fest, but its outside, it's going to rain and..... it's me and 2 other couples. Truth is I have no consistent "me" time with adults. I have no family help to watch d10 so I can get out and do something consistently without her. I envy people so much who have parents or siblings who live close and would love to watch the kids. It's lonely to come home every night with no other adults in the house. I think that was something I absolutely LOVED about my R with FF. He would come over a few nights a week, I would cook dinner, he would help D10 with homework or talk to me in the kitchen about our days. Something sooooo simple. It made my world. I have no one to talk to.
Single parenting is more lonely than I could have imagined. I've been doing it alone from the almost the start. My family was taken away right when it began. I never imagined it would have lasted this long. Not having a mom has made it harder.
The sad thing is I am really full of fun, interests, have tons of love to give and it's all trapped inside with no outlet. It's eating away at me. Anything I choose to do consistently, my daughter is in tow. I love her to death, I appreciate that she will sit at the gym with me. Or that she came and watched my volleyball for the one night before I got injured the next and she wasn't there. Everyone knows I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I enjoy being with her too. But I don't even feel like an individual or even a woman anymore. I exist to raise my daughter. I guess I just want it all. Or maybe just a little bit more and I should stop being selfish.
I needed an outlet, and I am sorry I poured it here. My tears broke way loose too. Maybe I just need to let it out.
The only thing you are lacking in your life is a partner. You have 1. An enviable and wonderful mother-daughter relationship with a healthy and beautiful child 2. Your health 3. A respectable and well paying job that is very secure 4. Popularity and friendships. Everyone that meets you immediatly likes you. 5. Passions and interests. 6. Independence. 7. Your own residence. 8. Your pretty and in good shape. 9. You are insightful and compassionate.
Thats a lot Ginger. I am wondering if on this subconsious level, you are giving off desperation vibes, because even though you have everything going for you you dont actually FEEL that way.
Instead you feel your life absolutely needs a man in it. You are desperate for a partner. You go into depressions because you dont have a partner. Potential relationships sense it. It seeps through in your interactions.
Perhaps honing in on all the other stuff and accepting that you can be fulfilled without a partner is actually what you need to gain a partner.
It's really easy to fall into that trap of wondering why others have things that we don't and why we aren't worthy of having those things too. The thing with that is, though, that you just don't know what is going on behind the scenes, so to speak. There may be sunshine and roses on the outside, but on the inside, it may be all darkness and weeds.
You are a great person and you have so many amazing things going for you. Try to focus on the positives. Juju gave you a spectacular list above and those are all outstanding things to be super proud of.
Before I met XH, I was in a similar mindset to what you are now. I just couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why everyone was so happy while I was just miserable and couldn't seem to get anything to go my way. Then I saw something on a talk show (I think it was Oprah) about how important it is to be thankful for all the little things in our life and to do that, you can do some sort of gratitude journal where you write down things you are thankful for every day. So, I started doing that. Girl, let me be the first to tell you that some days I was REACHING to write anything down. I would write things like I was grateful for breathing, grateful that I woke up that morning, grateful that I had a job that afforded me the "luxury" of buying good toilet paper, grateful that I had nice neighbors. I MADE myself list 3 things every single day. And, you know what....this may not work this way for everyone but after just a week or so of making myself list 3 things every single day that I was grateful for in my life, it became easier and easier to see the good in my world and to appreciate those blessings, however big or small they may be. I still do this to do this day though I do it a little differently now. I don't write things down every single day now but once a week, I sit down and write things down that were good or blessings or whatever that week, then I put them in an apothecary jar on the end table in my living room. I have it labelled "blessings" and when I'm feeling down, hopeless, lost, whatever, I dig through that jar and pull out a few random slips and just read them. It helps!
Me 48, XH 50 3 adult daughters from his first marriage 3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter My 1st marriage, his 2nd BD 9/29/2014 H moved out 10/6/2014 H filed D 11/4/2014 D final 12/17/2014