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A Message from Michele
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Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: DnJ] #2790363
05/15/18 02:00 PM
05/15/18 02:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 411
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Gerda Offline
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Hi, DnJ! Just want to say again, you are such a great man, husband and father!

I would say again that it all depends why you are standing.

But thinking you will teach her a lesson because of these consequences, I think that's a losing battle. Give her to God (or to the universe, if you don't believe in God) to teach, and continue to be the great man you are, providing for your children not because the law says to but because your heart says to.

But to be kind to her, if she wants to pay it, I would not refuse it or demand it. Perhaps you can say something like, "W, that's wonderful that you want to help provide for the kids. Send whatever you feel you can contribute, whenever you feel you can afford it, and I will put it towards my budget for groceries and clothes for the kids."


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: DnJ] #2790364
05/15/18 02:06 PM
05/15/18 02:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 411
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Gerda Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 411
Also I never replied to your beautiful post about waiting and why and numbers. I read it many times, though. I might even print it out. I like to carry stuff in my purse, mostly prayers but sometimes notes from people, that I can read when my mind starts racing the wrong way. I love how you are holding hope in your heart and how your posts always have this deep sense of gratitude for life, despite everything. Also I think you are a great writer and you should try to write some short stories. I am a writing teacher and I am always very moved by your writing -- content and style, I mean. You have an eye for the right details in many ways.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: Gerda] #2790372
05/15/18 02:41 PM
05/15/18 02:41 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,372
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OwnIt Offline
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DnJ:

I think you should let it go for now, and tell her to let you know when she is consistently earning over the $12,000 annual figure and then you guys can revisit the issue. Could she lie to you? Sure, but can't you figure that out through tax records, or her standard of living, or something.

She seems such a mess that I could not bring myself to pursue this in your situation. At the same time, I wouldn't let her off the hook entirely. The type she is now is the type that buys lottery tickets.

Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: OwnIt] #2790375
05/15/18 03:09 PM
05/15/18 03:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,107
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kml Offline
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Posts: 14,107
Thought #1 - she wants to pay because she wants to bd closer to the kids and in her mind this is a way of being a parent.

Thought #2- this is a situation where the details of your separation agreement matter. How much was her lump sum? And what fraction of total marital assets does it represent?

For instance, if her lump sum was a million dollars and she gets $40k a year in interest on said million - sure she should pay child support.

If, on the other hand, you got 3/4 of the marital sssets AND don't have to pay alimony, it seems entirely reasonable to tell her she doesn't have to worry about it.
However, that doesn't help with her desire to parent. Would it be s reasonable alternative to ask her instead to put that money in a savings account to help the kind do with college expenses later? That might allow her to feel useful, without tying her to a strict contribution schedule. And if she does manage to save some money it would be a nice gesture to the kids.

Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: DnJ] #2790384
05/15/18 04:18 PM
05/15/18 04:18 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,329
USA
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Gordie Offline
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DNJ

#10 i understand this feeling but it does not help you ot her

If you do not care what she does or about the money

Say nothing

Offer no resistance or support of her decisions

Let her do what she is going to do

You can only control you

And whe she sends the money

Put it in an account you will never touch

In the future, use it for the kids when you or they need it

She wants to give it to the kids

Let her


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: Gordie] #2790396
05/15/18 10:08 PM
05/15/18 10:08 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,028
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Vapo Offline
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I'd get her to pay as if she was earning the minimum amount. I would divert her payments into a special account which is not to be touched. Then after all the check have gone through, I would apply this money towards the kids' need (tuition, a car,...).

My 0,02$.

Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: Vapo] #2790513
05/16/18 08:22 AM
05/16/18 08:22 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,258
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peacetoday Offline
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Hi

I also agree and like the idea of the account for the kids
I would not want to accept money to keep for expenses but an account for the kids seems good-

maybe see either she or you can set up an account for deposit only for the kids
This account should not be available for her to withdraw if times get tough so its probably better if you get the money and set up a trust for kids college,, ect with it and tell her it will be used for this purpose and thank her-

She could put it in what her accountant/L seems fair and affordable
and yes this way she may feel useful as a parent and the kids may also see this as a form of love or that she does care-

It seems like a good idea however small..it may add up and possible help each child a little bit-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: peacetoday] #2790547
05/16/18 01:20 PM
05/16/18 01:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 594
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 594
Today W turned 47.

I texted her a Happy Birthday W. An hour later I got a Thank You:)

D15 & S17 also texted W a birthday greeting and received the same response. D15 also had a birthday card for mom that she had bought last summer from where she was working (ah better times). D15 gave it to OMs son to take home to W.

I spoke to a few very good friends / coworkers about it being Ws birthday. They were divided between send nothing or send maybe just a simple text. They were concerned for me and reminded me of the h3ll my family and I have been through. They all thought that sending nothing does not suit my character, even though they think W deserves it.

Oh well. I have known W for 30 years, married 26, had 4 kids, and a lot of good times and fun. A text is a small thing. Maybe it will brighten her day. I would like to do more, but I was fired from that job.


At BD
Me49, W46, S20, S19, S16, D15
M-26, T-29
Oct 8 2017 - Bomb Drop, Moved in w/OM, & Left Kids
Dec 9 2017 - Legal Separation
Currently
Me50, W47, S21, S20, S17, D16

I may give up, but not today.
Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: DnJ] #2790559
05/16/18 02:49 PM
05/16/18 02:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 594
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 594
Thank you all for your input.

Gerda - I agree, me trying to teach her a lesson will not work. I am working on leaving that to God. I do like your suggestion for what to tell her if she wishes to contribute. I was leaning towards not demanding and really did not think she would want to pay and I might refuse. So maybe I should accept whatever she offers.

OwnIt - Yes. I do not want to persue this anymore. There is just that letting her off the hook thing. After thinking about these comments all day, I believe I cannot let her off the hook. Only she really can. Her own demons will be far greater than anything I can or would do. I mean her torment lead her to abandon her own children, to turn away from everything.

kml - #1 Might be correct. At first she believed and felt she did not have to pay. After she ask her L and my L she now flips between she wants to pay what she owes to do the right thing and she will have to pay but think she is getting screwed over.

#2 - No not a million. Lol. On the other side of the screen I must appear like I am tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, great conversationalist, etc... Just kidding. Back to business. I would be surprised if W made $20,000 and that would be including the interest. Also we are only talking 2 years until D is 18. I am really wanting to just not worry about it, but her desire to parent is a point to consider.

Gordie - I would love for her to see, to feel, to acknowledge, to get healed. Alas, that is all beyond my abilities. I will continue to walk my path, she will do what she will do. Interesting, offer no resistance or support - just go with whatever she decided to do. That does seem reasonable.

Vapo - The separate account is a good idea. Then just wait until everything clears then apply it to the kids. A mess free approach. I like it.

peacetoday - Good reminder to let W know what the separate account would be used for, like university books, etc... and to thank her. I would like her to feel useful as a parent also.


Again thank you. I feel that I have a direction and a better handle on what I would like to do. I will be patient and hopefully soon W will share how she would like to proceed.

Have a good night.


At BD
Me49, W46, S20, S19, S16, D15
M-26, T-29
Oct 8 2017 - Bomb Drop, Moved in w/OM, & Left Kids
Dec 9 2017 - Legal Separation
Currently
Me50, W47, S21, S20, S17, D16

I may give up, but not today.
Re: This is going to take some time #2. [Re: DnJ] #2791092
05/20/18 05:08 AM
05/20/18 05:08 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 594
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 594
Yesterday, my Moms birthday, I finally got my lawn mowers out and cut the grass. I put this off for a week or two, I just did not want to face it. It is not the work, it is just another in your face reminder of what has happened and where I am.

W pushed mowed my Moms yard and did the trimming / push mowing in our yard (my yard now smh). I used the ride on for the remainder of the 10 acre yard, which takes about 4 hours.

Of course now I cut all the grass. Moms yard takes about 90 minutes so it is a nice little workout. This was a job of W, which she loved doing, and she was paid. Mom told me her friends had asked her if I would be looking after her yard now that W is gone. She told them Oh no, DnJ is a single Dad and is very busy having to do all the work himself now. I did thank her for her consideration and thought that we should see how things go with me looking after stuff before making other plans. I do not mind helping out my parents.

So I got moms yard done and then started on mine. About 3 quarters of the way complete and the gear box on the mower deck breaks. I took apart the deck to remove the gear box. Mom and Dad arrived around 4:30 for the birthday party visit and supper, so cleaned up and will work on it later. Visiting is more important, work can wait.

The evening was fun, I had a really good time. S21 did not have to work, S19 came back home after his shift, S17 worked until 6, and D15 had day off. I was too BBQ steaks and S21 was making double baked potatoes. S21 did not realize how long it takes to bake potatoes so we ending up eating around 8:00. It was all good, things taste better when your hungry.

I have to go and investigate the gear box. It probably needs to be replaced, it was really hot and does not turn anymore. smile

But first I need to till the garden D15 bought tomatoe plants, so I guess she is wanting to garden this year.


At BD
Me49, W46, S20, S19, S16, D15
M-26, T-29
Oct 8 2017 - Bomb Drop, Moved in w/OM, & Left Kids
Dec 9 2017 - Legal Separation
Currently
Me50, W47, S21, S20, S17, D16

I may give up, but not today.
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

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