WAS vs MLC...not sure it really matters, part 3

[OwnIt]

SKM,

It's been a little hard for me not to weigh in on your thread because I feel your pain so intensely. But, because we all think we see the clear path for everyone else (even when mired in our own maze as I am), I rather agree with Gerda here (but Gerda, sorry, I think you have put up with way too much for way too long. I've read so many threads where people thought they could nice them back or cake eat them back or scare them back, it doesn't work. If you love something, set it free. Let him see what he is missing). Sorry for the detour.

Gerda is right. He has major issues. But he also has awareness. He seems to know that he has issues. I think you are expecting too much, too soon, and I can't believe that you have not been showing him your disappointment and frustration. I'm sure you both feel overwhelmed.

It is easy for me to say this of course because mine lives far away and I don't want to be married to him anyway. I'm not the one who has to live in a house with someone who doesn't know what he wants, where he is going, and maybe not even where he has been.

I'm not saying I could do this, because I can't and am not in that position, but what if you said to him H I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I think you showed a lot of courage in stepping forward and wanting us to try again. I think I need to redouble my efforts in patience.

What if you agreed to wait for some period (6 months or a year) to discuss the R and the couple stuff, and instead just focused on getting to know each other again, and hopefully getting to like each other again, and hopefully wanting to take that further.

I just feel like you both care about each other but can't communicate and his expectations about his parents and your expectations about his ability to connect or communicate keep getting in the way. How about just having fun and talking about anything else but that.

I don't think you guys should move apart, I think you should find ways to connect as people. Not two people with a past, but just two people who once saw something in each other.

[skm0619]

Gordie, Gerda and Ownit.........thanks for the words. I appreciate you guys taking time to give me your perspectives.

Gordie..........H really is a very confused dude!!!! Last week he said he wanted to be married and wanted to do what he needed to do to work on this. But then he cant stop bringing up the parent thing

Honestly I am not sure why he wants his parents involved in our relationship. When I ask him, he can not give me a good reason why. When we were still in a good place (before BD) his parents were not really involved in our lives that much. They don't live in the same continent or time zone as we do, so it isn't like it is easy for us to communicate much anyway.

Gerda.........I appreciate you taking the time to get to know my sitch. As far as me taking him back.......I have said to him that I want to work on this marriage. I offered to go to counseling, but he has somehow found excuses not to make an appointment. Some might say, why don't I make the appointment? I feel like if he really wanted to go he would make the appointment. I don't think this is an unreasonable request. He finds time to do things HE wants to do, so if this is something he wanted to do I would at least like him to make the effort.

I agree that I am hurting......no question about that. I also am not sure if I am ready to give so much of myself to him anymore, because I don't know if he is willing to do what it takes. What I would like is for him to be honest, no hiding texts, no more being deceptive about finances, and not have close inappropriate conversations/relatioinships with females. I saw on a text that he said to a female friend "thanks for suggesting those snacks, I saw that they will increase my sex drive, so thanks for thinking of me ." SO INAPPROPRIATE.

He says that he is going to "try" and stop doing certain things and start doing other things, but then doesn't follow through. He is used to living in his own little world he has created. I just don't know if he is ready for the uncomfortableness that comes along with really looking at who he has become.

I really have tried not to have any expectations of him, but when he says he wants to prove to me that he can/will do things, and then doesn't, its hard.

As far as his parents are concerned.......I don't feel that I am choosing them instead of my M. What I am choosing is focus on me and learn to be a better person going through all of this.

I know it sounds really awful, but I honestly don't want to have any kind of relationship with them. They have shown me they type of people they are and I don't wants those type of people in my life. H tells me that when he Skypes with them and is hanging up they say "tell SKM hello for us"........if they really meant that then why don't they reach out to me. It is not genuine at all in my mind. They are saying that for his benefit, or maybe their own.....I'm not really sure.

I also know it is hard for people to understand, but I don't need to forgive them in order for me to move forward. For me to be able to forgive someone I need to see some sort of regret or remorse, and I have seen none of that. They have not reached out to me at all since all of this happened 2 1/2 years ago......and sadly I don't think they will, so I had to let them go......so that's what I did. H tells me that since they are British they don't know how to show feelings or emotions. I tell him I disagree, and being that way is a choice they are making.

Ownit........yes, I agree H does have awareness. H has really been working on opening up more, but when he starts to feel uncomfortable he stops talking and crawls back into his hole. He avoids conflict at all cost.

I have really tried to be patient with him. I think that if I saw consistency from him it would make things easier for me. I would love to try and not discuss our relationship and focus on having fun. Unfortunately H has said on 3 different occasions that he is unable to move forward with things like that because he knows that ultimately the relationship between me and his parents is forever scarred, and he knows that I don't want them in my life. He continues to take the blame for that because he says he is the one who said all those awful things about me to them, so that is why they said and did the awful things to/about me. I just don't see why it is so important that I have a relationship with them. He doesn't have a relationship with my parents right now. It is not a priority for me right now, but for H it is??

I do care about him, and I think he cares about me too. And I agree that we don't always communicate well.

[job]

Your h is a very, very confused man. He's a man/child at the moment going back and forth from being a kid/teen to a mature adult. The parent issue may be because, at the moment, he sees himself as a kid/teen and wants/needs his parents involved in his life...right down to them staying in the home. As a child/teen, they want their parents approval/acceptance of all that they do. During the crisis, many of them make a huge effort to get closer to their parents and siblings, especially when they weren't close pre crisis. Right now, he's one of those that needs all of the acceptance/affirmation from his parents.

I know that this issue is really bugging you, but please try to remember, you are just along for the ride. This is his issue to deal with and unfortunately, right now, it is all about him and what he needs to do to figure things out. Yes, he wants to work on things, but he's continuing to walk in the same spot over and over again. He hears you and your thoughts on his parents and them staying with you, but his crisis is calling in a louder voice. If you put him in the position of his parents or you, he may very well choose his parents.

Your expectation level has to remain at zero or no more than one. He's not capable at this time to living up to your expectations. Keep in mind...you are the adult and he's living in a body w/two mind sets at the moment.

Dig deeper for patience. It's going to take him a while to come back to earth as a mature man. I know you are frustration, but you can't look at him as the man you married...unfortunately you either have to accept him as he is now or you will continue to deal with anger, frustration and disappointment issues until you get to the point of walking away completely.

The bottom line is this...keep the focus on you as much as possible, watch the financials and just listen and don't offer up any suggestions unless he asks for them. Keep the expectations to zero or one so that you aren't disappointed.

[skm0619]

Job......everything that you said makes so much sense to me.

I honestly never thought that this whole issue with his parents was really about him and his need for acceptance. Before BD he did not have a close relationship with his parents or sibling, but after, he made such an effort to communicate with them way more frequently then he ever did before.

He is someone who needs "words of affirmation" often. That has been something difficult for me to do. I have made progress, but definitely not as much as he would like me to do.

I had a friend tell me that H is "a man in a boys body" ..... now more then ever is that becoming apparent to me.

We are not speaking right now. I worked for the past 3 days and did not hear one word from him all of those days. Then this morning, after he got home from working out, he says "good morning SKM"......I just kept doing what I was doing and did not respond. Things like that can drive a person crazy!!!

I already feel that he has chosen his parents, so I do wonder why I am still here

This is going to be a LONG process!!!!

This weekend is our wedding anniversary. I am going to do my own thing and act as if it is just another day.

[SBJ]

skm, you are stronger than you think, but this battle is going to take much longer than any of us really knows.

You say he desires words of affirmation...I know how hard it is to affirm someone when they are doing their best to tick you off. Maybe you can only affirm the little things like..."you fix the best coffee", "you always keep your truck so clean", "thank you for working so hard". These little things might not mean that much to you, but to someone that craves it it might be huge.

Vince Gill has a song that's titled "It's Hard to Kiss the Lips". It has a line that says, "It's hard to kiss the lips at night, that chew your @ss all day long". I know it's hard to be nice to or want to love someone that doesn't deserve it or that doesn't want you to, but that is what we signed up for when we made that covenant with them. For now it is the fake it until you make it kind of things that will push us thru the BS.

You are and have been in my thoughts and prayers. I don't post much personally any more, but I am following along. God bless!

[skm0619]

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, I hope you are doing okay? You'd last post was blank.

On the not speaking to each other thing. I was the queen of sulking and not talking when I was mad and I have been like that most of my life! I just found it very hard to talk to the person who I was mad right away.

I have recently realised what a waste of time it really is. Since my D and I have only each other for company now most of the time we have to get over fights and arguments much quicker otherwise it's very boring and lonely. I think once you start on that road and especially if you are both stubborn it becomes harder to get out of. This is something that I have had to work really hard at but sometimes someone has to break the deadlock.

Take care. X

[job]

RESTORED POSTING:

SBJ.......thanks for the reply. Sometimes I don’t feel very strong, sometimes I feel like I’m going to break! I do often wonder if this is a man that I really want to keep on trying to love????

Just doing some journaling.......

Well, the weekend went by and I survived it. Saturday was our 12th anniversary. H spent 90% of the day away from the house. I was keeping myself busy away from the house as well. We ended up returning home within an hour of each other. I asked him if moving forward he would be willing to communicate in regard to when he would be leaving and coming home, so that we know if one of us would be around to feed the dogs. He said that moving forward he would communicate with me better in that regard. He ended up apologizing to me for his lack of communication.

We touched on a few things briefly, but I did ask him if he wanted me to move out. He started off his response by saying he has intentionally put space between the two of us. So after hearing that I have made my decision that I will be moving out. I don’t want to be in the home with him if he is intentionally trying to distance himself for me.

Sunday I needed to run errands and asked him if he wanted to come..... he agreed.....I was very surprised he wanted to come with me. We ended up spending a few hours looking for some things that I will eventually need in my new place. I mentioned to him that I was hungry and was going to head home. He suggested that we should go to a restaurant that both of us really enjoyed. We actually had a nice time, and nice conversation. He offered to pay .........his debit card got denied!!!! I didn’t say anything or react. He then offered up a different card and that was accepted.

This morning he was distant again, but did let me know when he would be home from work. When he got home he asked me if I wanted to go eat somewhere with him, but I declined.

I’m trying to make sure that whatever conversation we have is pleasant, even though there are times when he is rude, and I just roll my eyes (he doesn’t see me do that). The past several nights he has made sure to come to my room to tell me goodnight. Weird because a few days before he wasn’t even speaking to me.

I just wish he would pick a mood and stick with it so that way I know how to respond!

[skm0619]

Thanks for being able to retrieve my missing post Job

Well.....H has taken to not speaking to me again

These mood changes are so crazy!!! I really do wish he would pick a mood he wants to be in and stick with it!!!