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Hi everyone. I've been reading this forum, and I'm seeing a lot of situations somewhat similar to mine...but I need some advice.

A couple of months ago, my W wanted to talk to me after I got home from work. She said she was moving out. She couldn't handle my depression. The next week she had an apartment. Within two weeks, she had already slept with a coworker. Fast forward to now, it's been at least 3 guys (she confirmed), but the number is likely higher.

It has been absolute hell trying to navigate this. Especially since we have an almost 4 year old son.

But here's where I need advice...

I just finished reading DR, but she found out that I've been reading it (she came over to get a few things and saw the book). Yesterday, she said "you've been sending mixed signals. I'm glad to see you're doing better, but I hope you aren't trying to save this...I hope you've actually come to terms with this being over."

I stayed cool about it. But she's determined to go out and have her fun. Most of the time, our son stays with a sitter while she's at work or out with her friends. I keep him every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I know that she has been going out having her fun, and it honestly kills me because for the last 3 years I've stayed home with our son while she works AND I've never stopped her from hanging out with her friends...except now it's more than just a drink after work.

But since she knows about the book, even though she doesn't know what's in it...how do I keep going forward? It feels like she's just determined to make sure I have no hope.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Hide what your doing on the LRT and DB book. She's hiding all kinds of stuff from you. Get strong, get counseling, find who you really are. You're not a depressed person at heart. Go to the gym every day, hang out with friends, make new friends, GAL. Read these forums.


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted By: blakmac
Hi everyone. I've been reading this forum, and I'm seeing a lot of situations somewhat similar to mine...but I need some advice.

A couple of months ago, my W wanted to talk to me after I got home from work. She said she was moving out. She couldn't handle my depression. The next week she had an apartment. Within two weeks, she had already slept with a coworker. Fast forward to now, it's been at least 3 guys (she confirmed), but the number is likely higher.

It has been absolute hell trying to navigate this. Especially since we have an almost 4 year old son.

But here's where I need advice...

I just finished reading DR, but she found out that I've been reading it (she came over to get a few things and saw the book). Yesterday, she said "you've been sending mixed signals. I'm glad to see you're doing better, but I hope you aren't trying to save this...I hope you've actually come to terms with this being over."

I stayed cool about it. But she's determined to go out and have her fun. Most of the time, our son stays with a sitter while she's at work or out with her friends. I keep him every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I know that she has been going out having her fun, and it honestly kills me because for the last 3 years I've stayed home with our son while she works AND I've never stopped her from hanging out with her friends...except now it's more than just a drink after work.

But since she knows about the book, even though she doesn't know what's in it...how do I keep going forward? It feels like she's just determined to make sure I have no hope.



1st: BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS, and only half of what she does. Do not put any stock into her "its over I hope you aren't trying to save it". They all say this. They all make the proclamation that it is over.

2nd: Start reading as much as you can from sandi2. She is a former Wayward Wife. Your W is more than just a WAW, she is a WW. Unlike some WW, your W's nice girl side has to convince herself it is over with you in order to do what she wants to do. And what she wants to do is sleep with other guys. That is just a fact. If that is a bridge too far for you (physical affairs are deal breakers for many people) then file for D. If you want to wait her out and try to save your MR, do it regardless of what she says.

So, read all of the links Cadet sent. Pay attention to sandi's rules. Also, consider using LRT, I think it fits in your sitch. Detach and differentiate. This is a hugely important step. 180 (change any bad behavior's that contributed to your sitch). And start GAL. This is also hugely important. WWs love it when their H's sit home and wait for them to come back, even if they say the opposite.

Finally, be the best you that you can be. She will take note of it even if she doesn't admit.

None of this guarantees anything, but doing what DB says, following advice from sandi, and detaching, 180ing and GAL will be your best chance if R is your goal.


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Thank you. I finished reading DR yesterday. I have been reading the articles and posts on here for the last couple of weeks, and in some ways, they seem to be working.

One thing that's making GAL more difficult is that we have a 3 year old S. He's staying with me during the day while she's at work. She actually moved him and herself out a couple of months ago, then immediately began fooling around, bringing OM's around him, etc. While I don't mind helping with our S, it's hard to hear him talk about things that go on at the "new house". Most of my friends are married, have families, or have moved away. Plus being left with massive amounts of bills, having viable ways to GAL is often in short supply.

I think I'm just looking for motivation to keep up the 180, being upbeat, etc. It hits hard when she's says things like that.

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Originally Posted By: blakmac

A couple of months ago, my W wanted to talk to me after I got home from work. She said she was moving out. She couldn't handle my depression. The next week she had an apartment. Within two weeks, she had already slept with a coworker. Fast forward to now, it's been at least 3 guys (she confirmed), but the number is likely higher.


So in the span of a couple of months she dumped you, moved out and started a sexfest. And this is all because you are depressed? Sorry, I'm not buying her line of BS. You may be depressed but she is rebellious and wayward. First I've got to ask you, why do you want to save this M? You get depressed and not only does she abandon you but she barely waits for the moving truck to depart her new place to start some sexual escapades. Is it because you are you missing your old W? Because she is probably gone and has been replaced by this "girls gone wild" person. She will pursue this lifestyle for many months, maybe a year or more. At some point she'll burn out and she may come back groveling for recon. In the meantime you've got to leave her to it and work on you.

Quote:
I just finished reading DR, but she found out that I've been reading it (she came over to get a few things and saw the book). Yesterday, she said "you've been sending mixed signals. I'm glad to see you're doing better, but I hope you aren't trying to save this...I hope you've actually come to terms with this being over."


Whenever she asks what you're reading, or makes statements like this, just say "I understand, I am just working on myself right now and this book was recommended by a friend, it's interesting and helping me through this." As far as you tell her, you are working on YOU, not the M.

Quote:
But she's determined to go out and have her fun. Most of the time, our son stays with a sitter while she's at work or out with her friends. I keep him every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I know that she has been going out having her fun, and it honestly kills me because for the last 3 years I've stayed home with our son while she works AND I've never stopped her from hanging out with her friends...except now it's more than just a drink after work.


OK well you've been very, very beta it sounds like. Beta is OK in a healthy relationship (when balanced with alpha) but it's not what attracts women to men. You've got to get your alpha game back. Get out, GAL. Work out, spruce up your wardrobe, whiten your teeth, get a tan, hang out with MEN. Get your cajones back! I guarantee you once you do she will start looking over her shoulder wondering what she's missing, but you probably won't care by the time she does.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: blakmac

One thing that's making GAL more difficult is that we have a 3 year old S. He's staying with me during the day while she's at work. She actually moved him and herself out a couple of months ago, then immediately began fooling around, bringing OM's around him, etc. While I don't mind helping with our S, it's hard to hear him talk about things that go on at the "new house". Most of my friends are married, have families, or have moved away. Plus being left with massive amounts of bills, having viable ways to GAL is often in short supply.


What do you think GAL is? Going to bars? It is ANYTHING that gets you out of the house! Heck it can even be IN the house. Here are some examples:

- Go to the park
- Join a gym
- Join Meetup (it's free and there are tons of activities)
- Do some volunteer work
- Learn to fly an R/C plane
- Build a model
- Work on a car or motorcycle
- Learn to paint
- Take a clay sculpting class
- Go to a local festival
- Go to car shows
- Run
- Hike
- Go to the zoo
- Rock climb
- Swim
- Ski
- Visit a museum

That is just scratching the surface. The idea is to get you thinking about something other than your W and your M. Bonus points for GAL activities that help you meet new people.

You have a son, well nearly all of us have kids, jobs, commitments but we all found ways to GAL despite that. You'll even see a lot of items on the above list can be done with your son. This is a classic case of "quit making excuses and just do it".


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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This is all good advice, and I am definitely working on it as much as I can find the time.

As for GAL, the biggest thing I've done...I started my band back up. When we met, I was playing in a hard rock band. After our son was born, that went on the back burner. But in the last two weeks, it's back on. We've got a lot of work to do, but that at least keeps me busy (and gives me a catharsis).

Quote:
First I've got to ask you, why do you want to save this M? You get depressed and not only does she abandon you but she barely waits for the moving truck to depart her new place to start some sexual escapades. Is it because you are you missing your old W? Because she is probably gone and has been replaced by this "girls gone wild" person.


I want to save this marriage because it's not fair to our son for him to have to deal with long term consequences of her making poor choices. Also...I meant my vows 100%. And despite all of this...yes, I still deeply care about her.

Where I'm running into problems disconnecting is our son. He spends more time with babysitters than he does with her. So I step in and let him stay with me so he can have some kind of stability.

The divorce is pending. I realize that I don't have to help her at all (in fact, it might be better if I didn't), however my son deserves better than that, and if she won't be stable, then I feel that I must.

She's had her own depression issues since he was born (probably much longer, but she was good at hiding them), and so that in combination with mine "wore her down".

Granted, she did state she wasn't happy and she wanted me to get help a couple years ago...and I did...sort of. I started seeing a doctor, got diagnosed, and started taking meds that really made it even harder to function.

Eventually, she said she was done.

I'm definitely working out. I'm definitely working on myself.

And there are little signs that she's been softening.

But it's not enough for me to feel like it's going to work...yet. I'm willing to give it time, and I'm going to work on being the most bad455 me that I can be...for me.

I just really, really hope it works.

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Originally Posted By: blakmac

As for GAL, the biggest thing I've done...I started my band back up. When we met, I was playing in a hard rock band. After our son was born, that went on the back burner. But in the last two weeks, it's back on. We've got a lot of work to do, but that at least keeps me busy (and gives me a catharsis)
.

Great, that's an awesome GAL start!

Quote:
I want to save this marriage because it's not fair to our son for him to have to deal with long term consequences of her making poor choices.


Well that sounds like a reason to pursue divorce, not marriage. Only divorce will remove you and your S from her poor choices (because you have NO CONTROL over her, she will continue to make her bad choices whether you are married or not). I am not suggesting you pursue D, I'm just asking "why do you want to save your marriage" because it's important for you to understand your motivations.

Quote:
She's had her own depression issues since he was born (probably much longer, but she was good at hiding them), and so that in combination with mine "wore her down".


Again, I'm not buying it. If she told you that and then moved out and was still being responsible with your son and avoiding dating for a while then I would believe it, but when a woman moves out and immediately has sex with multiple partners and quits taking care of her kid then there is something wrong with her.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I'll admit, it's kind of strange. But that's really pretty much how it all went down.

My concern isn't that she's a bad mom. It's that she doesn't have the backbone to really, really fight through hard things. Last night she was having trouble with him at bedtime (he lives with her). She wanted to bring him to me, drop him off, and leave so I could deal with it.

We had a huge argument about it. I have ADHD. Our son also has very many of the symptoms, and recently a doctor said he's got it as well. One of the symptoms is difficulty getting to sleep.

So I basically put my foot down and told her that her excuse for leaving me was my depression (a major side effect of ADHD) and she's basically doing the same thing to him.

After I finished telling her what I thought...her tone changed.

She brought me breakfast this morning.

I'm skeptical. But any softening is better than none as long as I don't mess this all up.

I'm keeping my son all weekend. That always makes me anxious because she has a lot of free time when she's not working. BUT...I'm doing everything I can to just not think about it. So...we'll see. smile

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