Just read the latest update, I am curious as to why you encouraged it, when that's not what you want. When working the LRT, we need to validate the WAW, but can't we do that without encouraging outcomes that negatively affect the MR? Maybe say "I'm glad you thought to mention it to me, I know it's a big decision. I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out."
Do you want to see other people? Do you want her gone? I know it's hard to remember everything in these bang bang type of situations, but think about that.
You did a great job on not letting her pull you in with that temperature check. She is still engaging in the EA. She can get bent. You're getting stronger. Keep GAL for you and work on your 180s. Also, since you are busy GAL, I agree on not answering most calls and taking your time to respond to texts.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
overrnbw, he is dealing with a WW wife, not just a mere WAW. sandi would tell you that you do not validate a WW. Based on that AJS nailed it. Also, if you are trying to encourage or discourage outcomes you want from your W then you are doing it wrong. Detachment is about being ok no matter what she decides.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I want to back up Steve's response on the WAW vs. WW. It can be really hard to grasp at first and so many of us go back and forth wondering if our Ws are really "wayward", to what degree, maybe they were WAW turned WW, etc.
The definition, as given by Sandi (who was the original person to make the clearcut distinction), leaves no room for ambiguity.
The WAW is leaving the marriage for reasons surrounding the LBH--maybe he's an alcoholic, an abuser, has a gambling or sex addiction, etc. Could be all kinds of things, but it is a MAJOR problem(s) that would cause someone to be driven out of a MR with him.
The WW is leaving the marriage for reasons surrounding herself. She is looking for greener pastures because she has a selfish heart filled with disrespect, resentment, rebellion, etc. Yes, the degree can vary, but it is all about her.
Ultimately, in almost all cases, a W is choosing to break her marriage vow for one of these two reasons and they look very, very different. You will know which one applies to your sitch, unless maybe you have some severe denial/delusion issues.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
I see the difference, thanks for explaining. So what about the other content in my previous post, can you guys speak to me and AJS about that as well??
Still learning here...thanks for the patience.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
overrnbw, are you referring to your questions about validation and encouragement?
Remember, I am in the same boat as you and not an expert, still learning also, but in regards to the validation issue: You don't validate a WW because her feelings are not "true" or coming from a sincere place. Most of the time when she tells her H how she feels, she is being manipulative and has ulterior motives (her own selfish agenda). It does no good to reinforce this. Validation is part of the basic foundation in building a positive, loving relationship with someone. It is pretty much impossible and futile to work on building such positivity on top of her negativity. Until her heart is no longer in a place of selfishness and sin, you can't take real steps in this direction. Also, since so many LBH's with WW's have NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) and have been severely disrespected, validating often becomes a way of enabling/continuing this disrespect and focus on her.
In regards to the encouragement issue: Steve's point about not encouraging or discouraging is right because those are attempts to control. Remember DBing is all about controlling only what you can--which is yourself. You cannot stand in the way of a WW and her behaviors or try to stop her, but you should not encourage or help her continue them. Your goal is to be detached and unaffected. You are the rock, or the lighthouse, you remain in your own circle of positivity and growth. In his case where his W talked about her second thoughts, I think the point would be to remember WW will be all over the place, confusing, doing and saying things that might be unexpected. This is where detachment comes in--you don't read into it or let it affect you emotionally. I would say acknowledging it and nothing else is probably best (again, I don't have all the answers). In some ways acknowledging is validation and that will be why you might hear people say "just validate" when presented with those kinds of situations. In reality, we validate people all the time in our interactions with them and sometimes you will "validate" your WW, it's just important not to go out of your way to do so when she is being manipulative/blaming/self-absorbed.
LoneWlf, I don't know that there are hard statistics. I would say that if you are the LBH of a WAW and you have come to this board trying to save your MR and focus on you and fixing your major problems that are driving your W, you probably have a better chance of recon because you are the problem and now are actively working to fix it. When the WW is the problem and she is not here trying to fix it, and you cannot control her, DB is the best you can do and hope that she gets to the place where she willing and able to fix the root of the MR problem, which is her.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
I know every situation is different, But in most cases which one have a better chance at recon? can you give explanation please? thanks so much!
You'd have better luck asking us what the local lotto numbers will be this week. Seriously. No one knows. Another anti-divorce expert is asked all the time "when will my spouse change their mind and come back to the MR?" His answer: "When they want to."
Really that is what boils down to. You will move into recon WHEN and IF your W ever decides that is what she wants. Not until and not one second before. And since no one but her controls her, only she knows if it is a possibility. AND DO NOT ASK HER! That is one of the worst things you can do. And you won't get a real answer anyway.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
