Shifting over here to this forum. My MLC thread is almost full and I think it's time for a change. My postings will probably continue to be rambling nonsense.
It's good perhaps that my biggest issue right now is the fact that S23 is still in bed and I don't know what sort of thing to make for Sunday supper. Normally I would do up a roast of some sort but have been having a hankering for chili which S23 doesn't like.
It is Mother's Day here and he's still in bed at noon so I would presume he's not joining his mother for brunch . Not a huge surprise. He's also been getting a lot more chatty and social with me over the last month or so. Yesterday may have been in part because he was out helping a buddy with some concrete work for much of the day and "of course" beer was provided. He was 4 in to it by the time he got home and had a few more. The resulting hangover that he may well be having explains in part why he's not up.
He used to be very closed to me - even before BD and seemed to have an underlying anger around me. That has seemingly evaporated.
Previously I would be stressed about him going to see his mother or him not going but yeah - just annoyed that it may interfere with my own plans.
I had been worrying that today would be tough and like most things I worried more about stuff that ends up not being an issue. Especially since yesterday put me in such a great mood.
The cute bank teller that I've trying to work up the nerve to ask out said that she could make use of a juicer that I had in a cupboard so I took it out yesterday. She was pretty excited about it. She mentioned that she had been talking to her mother about getting it from "a really sweet guy" - and then quickly changed the topic. My day was made! She's got two younger boys who sound pretty cool. She was telling me that for Mother's day last year that they wrapped up all of her favourite things in the house and gave them to her. They use their pocket money to buy her a fancy tiara from the dollar store as well.
I had joked to her that I had been thinking of finding a single mom to adopt for Mother's day and she told me that I already had because I gave her a present of a juicer.
She's promised me fresh baking as "payment" for the juicer which hasn't arrived yet. She felt bad about it but had had a crazy busy week. She seemed pleased that I didn't care about her not having anything for me. Her boys are involved in a number of things with her oldest trying to pass his gun safety test. I think she likes the fact that I'm interested in her boys as well as her. In some ways it would be a good match for her. She's known me for a few years. Knows that I'm divorced and that while I am devoted to and love my kids they don't take much of my time. She knows I've got a good job and good income (she can see my bank account) and that I'm more than capable of taking care of myself.
For me, she's a kind person with a heck of a sense of humour. She's hard working, patient and self reliant. I've never heard her blame anyone else for anything. She's devoted to her boys and works really hard on being an awesome mom. Given that her oldest is about 12 that would put her perhaps 12 years younger than me which is a bit of a gap but not insurmountable. And yes, she's really cute with a tendency towards the girly which I like. She is of the "extra curvy" variety but that's not an issue to me one way or another. She has regular contact with her ex and is on good terms I think but doesn't seem to rely on him for anything and I've never heard her mention her boys spending time with him.
Being cynical - and honest - I expect that she's not getting much traction if she is looking to date someone. A heavier mature lady with two young kids may well be passed over for someone fitter and less attached by guys her age.
S23 met her last week when he happened to be running errands with me and was pretty off-put when I mentioned as we were leaving that I was trying to find the courage to ask her out. Yesterday he seemed keen on the idea and from what he said I think it was because he had done some thinking and math and realized that she was perhaps not as young as he originally thought. That and fresh baking.
"Of course" I have no clue if this lady is interested in dating me or not and I do worry about hurting what is a pretty good friendship by trying to take it to another level. I forget the exact phrase but it's something like "you miss 100% of the shots you never take".
Ah well. Today is a day for doing some work in the garden, the ever present ironing and perhaps an adult beverage or two - after the things I need to do in the workshop are done.
Maybe I'll clean off the BBQ and cook up some sausages for supper.
PS - doodler - If you insist on skinny dipping with me the ice is mostly thawed off the lakes now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So this is the new place. It is nice, bigger than I thought, lots of room to explore. Your use of imagery was always so colourful, mine is a little flat.
I think your move over to this forum is good for you. I may end up joining you sooner than I expect.
Very glad to hear S23 anger as basically evaporated and he is not so closed. He is growing into an adult. You are going to start knowing things again and have wisdom, as opposed to the way they see us from teens until about 25. I just experienced a bit of that last night with my S21. We had a genuine adult conversation.
The cute bank teller. First, she can see my bank account - funny, and you are right she already knows stuff about you that usually takes a while to discover.
Second, a really sweet guy - I bet that made your day! Now maybe you are too close to the trees here, but from my view she is flirting. She is also insterested.
Third, of course I have no clue if the lady is interested - she is interested. I have read a lot from you and I know how you analyze stuff. So lets analyze.
She definitely is flirting and emotional involved.
You offered the juicer and she was happy, thankful, and offered fresh baking. There is an emotional attachment. Even cynical Andrew can see that. Lets say I took my juicer to work and gave it to Cindy and she gave me back a plate of homemade muffins. I bring them back home for my W and kids. W would blow a gasket. Some strange unknown women giving me muffins. See what I mean.
One more. Your joke about finding a single mom to adopt for Mothers Day and her repsonse of you already had because you gave her a juicer. Her status of being single is acknowledged, if she was seeing someone or married, being called a single mom would probably get a different response. Adopt for Mday - first adopt implies kind of serious not to disguard and Mday well that is for a mom and you are letting her know you want to be part of her Mday. That being said she also let you know she is ok with it - she told me I already had - past tense she is already there.
The part about her not getting much traction, being mature lady, two kids, etc.... Stow all that! I know, or at least I think I know, you do not see her that way. Do not see her for less than she is.
I can see you have spent some energy and invested emotionally with all the facts you know about of her, her life, and her boys.
I get the lack of courage you have previously spoken about. However, she may have just as many fears and insecurities as you do.
It looks like you are interested and she appears interested.
As you said you miss 100% of the shots you do not take. Perhaps you should take a shot. It looks like you are moving in that direction.
BTW, The last time I was available was in 1988. So I am pretty rusty.
Start small and go slow.
PS - I like your posts. They are not all rambling nonsense.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Welcome Andrew to Surviving. Dropped a wine and some canapes on your stoop.
Congratulations on escaping from MLC part of the board. It's a much slower and sunnier speed here. And we have thread parties, beware of doodler skinny dipping though.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Got your notification. I don't know if this will work for posters, but, if you discover that your posting disappears, try hitting the "quick quote" button and remove your quotes from the posting and then hit submit. I tried it and it worked for me...
Last edited by job; 05/13/1811:06 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
DnJ - I've taken a few hours to think about what you wrote. I think that one of the things that happens to us as a "BS" is that we tend to devalue our own attractiveness along with that of any potential future partners.
The only time I can recall my ex telling me that I looked nice was in November 2016 in a response to me telling her that she looked nice. And it took an obvious effort for her to do that.
I own several mirrors and even while I may not be the most handsome man out there I know that "the looks decent wagon didn't pass me by". I think that one of the ways that my ex controlled me was by actively trying to stamp down my self-image. Sadly - what happens though is that I project my own poor self image on others. Hence my less than positive comments about the bank teller to try to make my own thoughts around what I "deserve" match the woman who I am interested in. It is unfair and unkind to her and I am ashamed of those thoughts.
I do think that one way that for many people that the cycle of abuse repeats is that our self esteem is so beaten down that we choose partners who perpetuate that cycle. For me I have a very high opinion of my professional self - which bothered my ex - but a low opinion of my attractiveness. My ex did perhaps make efforts to cut me down - or again - that could be part of my own re-writing of history.
On another topic S23 just came home from spending the afternoon with his mother. I was mid dishes and from his comments he had certainly checked my social media while he was out - the excitement of BBQ sausages. While he was out I did go into his room in large part to get any dirty dishes. I did notice that the several things that he should have passed back to his mother were still in his room even with such an easy and obvious opportunity to carry them back.
One key thing that is written here and elsewhere is that it is important to be the safe parent, the sane parent. When S23 came home, I was doing dishes watching Rocky and Bullwinkle (I'm a nerd). I had a glass of wine in progress and obviously had had more than one glass. The impression I got from him was that he was "home" and in his safe place.
I do wonder why he's not given his mother those heritage items that were entrusted to him but that is out of my hands. It is weird (to me) that he displays them so prominently in his room but hasn't given them to the "rightful owner".
Anyhoo - time for bed for me.
A bien tot mes amis.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Mon cher, here is some chili. Eat it tomorrow as it will improve with a day in the fridge. Welcome, welcome. Yes, Doodler will skinny dip and like to wear frilly dresses, but he looks darn good in them so who am I to judge?
Re: bank teller lady is def. flirting. Ask her out for a cup of coffee first.
That's my advice, but I have to qualify this by saying I have had one coffee date since 1989 and I dunno what exbf and I were doing when we were hanging out in 2016, but consensus seems to be that we were on dates, which went no where, so factor that in. . .
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
PS - doodler - If you insist on skinny dipping with me the ice is mostly thawed off the lakes now.
Andrew,
I'm sad to say that, although I'd like to go skinny dipping with you, the nursing home bus won't take me up to Canada. In addition, after that little accident I had a couple of months ago, they won't let me go swimming without my adult diapers. Maybe you could come down to Florida sometime and play Bingo with me (I go wild). And, I'll share some of my medication with you as well; you'll be higher than a kite for hours -- tripping balls.
Welcome to our little corner of db. I love how you talked of the lady as extra curvy. Thank God for you and the other men on this planet who are ok with that.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My gardens are doing fabulously! The bleeding hearts (one of my favourite flowers) are spectacular, the rhubarb is popping up nicely, the peonies got their "cage" and best of all, my sad old apple tree again this year (for the second year in a row) is packed with blossoms. Oddly when my ex was living here, that tree did poorly. Probably just a coincidence.
I worked from home today and was able to pay attention to the garden and get the grass cut. I like to think of my home as "shabby but neat" and I'm very proud of it.
Today as well after nagging my lawyer yesterday I got a copy of the divorce affidavit. Somewhat unsurprisingly my ex made a serious mistake on the form - which she or her lawyer had also made on the the preceding forms but the officer of the court stroked out the mistake in this case, corrected and initialed it. As of Sunday the 20th of May 2018 everything will be "done". There is no stopping it now. I'm planning to pop up to the court next week and get an official copy of the certificate. Not that I'm needing it to get married or anything but I like to have things "tidy".
I'm trying to build up the courage to ask out the cute bank teller and as part of the strategy to sabotage myself I mentioned it to SIL1 today and sent her a link to the lady's facebook profile. She is highly in favour of it and bombarded me with messages through the afternoon. I think I had to pretty much restrain her from sending out the wedding invitations We'll see what happens.
As those who have been "playing the home game" may know that especially since S23 moved home with me I try to focus on being a good role model. Flawed yes, but doing the best that I can. Today I think was another good day for that. When he came home from working his construction job I was outside enjoying a beer. We chatted about his day, my day. All was good. I was in the midst of making a light supper for myself he said that he had his own plans (chicken salad as it turned out to be).
I realized - and I'm sure Gordie will appreciate this - that I'm modeling to him that as a single mature bachelor, that life can be pretty darned good. In the environment that I grew up in, there was an expectation of being paired and of being dependent on someone else. He's seeing that that's not true. We both know (I believe) that having a loving partner can make life richer, but that it's not a requirement. We jointly take care of our home despite having different standards of what we want. We are certainly father and son and not "buddies" or "room-mates" but it is a mature relationship. I am very proud of it.
I really don't know what his mother's opinion is of S23's current career doing manual labour is but suspect that she wishes that he would do "better". I'm very proud of him. He works hard and does an honest day's work. We did have a short discussion today about a study I heard of recently where a number of millennials said that there was no possible wage that would encourage them to do construction work. Both S23 and I were baffled by that. I'm glad that he is doing so "well" even if I'm still paying for his room and board. We also had a chat about the biography of Lorenzo De Medici I'm currently reading and he thinks he'll pick it up when I'm done. There's nothing to say that you can't do manual labour and also appreciate the complexities of the Renaissance.
As Jack_3_Beans would perhaps agree - Pride is a powerful thing. It gives you fuel to move from one day to the next.
The conversation with SIL1 got me thinking a bit about my ex's reaction to me finding someone new. My ex had been pushing me to do that before bomb-day. Pretty much all of the women who are on my list of those who might date me (which might be delusional on my part) are all younger, thinner, taller than she is and in 50% of the cases blonder. My ex was also a very possessive and jealous woman. I was very much "her property". I did have a bit of a smile because recently I've been corresponding with an old acquaintance of mine via Instagram who is a former Miss Black Ontario who also happened to be a star on a major TV show and with whom I still vividly remember a very nice kiss one night in Toronto a bit over 30 years ago. I was a good friend of her older and better looking sister. We had agreed to date but then she moved to Los Angeles. My ex would perhaps not have been pleased by that.
Meh.
SIL1 did mention today that my ex's social media seems to be a fair bit of "poor me" perhaps in part because of the death of her parents back in January.
Anyhoodle - enough for tonight. Time for me to pack things up.
A bien tot mes ami.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We did have a short discussion today about a study I heard of recently where a number of millennials said that there was no possible wage that would encourage them to do construction work.
Andrew.
That's incredible! When I was 16, I took a full-time summer job working in construction. I learned a lot that summer and I have fond memories of that job.
I think that there's a difference between looking at it as a student summer job or a "career".
It's a wide-spread problem. In our warehouses as the older guys who can drive the lift trucks in their sleep and who know all about proper material handling retire we have a heck of a time finding people who are interested in that as a career. We have a very high turn-over now even though we pay good wages with good benefits.
In the area I live in companies are resorting to advertising on the radio even for some of the more skilled trades.
Perhaps they all want to become baristas to pay off the loans on their master's degree?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
trades need to be better supported. They are needed. College isn't for everyone. Think about how much money time and resources are wasted on half-done college educations.
Trade school is so important. We can't have upper level execs without the people who supply the need.
trades need to be better supported. They are needed. College isn't for everyone. Think about how much money time and resources are wasted on half-done college educations.
Trade school is so important. We can't have upper level execs without the people who supply the need.
Two thumbs up!
I was a directionless high school dropout and I went to trade school and became an aircraft mechanic (licensed A&P mechanic). I worked as an aircraft mechanic to pay for college. I enjoyed college so much that I eventually got two Bachelors degrees and an MBA. I've been a white collar guy since my college years, but I miss being outside and moving around. If I needed money, I'd take a construction job in a heartbeat.
And it's not just trades. My son does the high tech job of digging holes and carrying around concrete. He enjoys what he does and the guys who work with him. Certainly not a skilled trade despite his 2 years of college studying chemistry.
He's also a smart, well read young man who doesn't feel that getting his hands dirty (and much of the house when he walks in with his muddy work boots on) is "beneath" him.
I'm very proud of him.
My youngest brother works a good union job running what he calls "the Newfie backhoe" (Canadian reference) - aka shovel - doing plant maintenance. I believe these days he's building scaffolding at the nuclear plant he works at because he's got training to work at heights but he also shovels snow, plants trees, whatever is on his work ticket for that day.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I would do construction work. Get fit quick, or gardening or decorating. Used to run a deep cleaning business at college, kitchens, bars restaurants and shops. Called Brighteners.
Paid my way through college with it. Worked after the businesses were closed and in those days there was smoking and the debris associated. It was very profitable and I was very fit.
Very active
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I watched the Royal wedding this morning while having breakfast. I thought it would be a lot tougher on me than it was. It was so wonderful to see such an obviously in-love couple pledging themselves to each other. I did smile watching Prince Harry wobbling on his feet and looking like he was going to toss his cookies at any moment. Even though that moment was almost 30 years ago for me, I remember it clearly.
I did get misty eyed as the officiant guided them through those vows. So very similar to the ones that I and my ex swore to uphold and that I did and she did not. I had a passing thought on if she was watching and wondering what her own thoughts would be. She was probably working if she is still on her old schedule. I can't imagine her not having pangs of guilt and sadness on hearing and seeing those two people bind themselves into one couple but then again I couldn't have imagined her cheating on me along with the lies that were a component of that.
Something odd is going on with S23 lately. More and more, I believe since his grandparent's funeral which involved him spending several days in the company of his mother and OM he's been more open, chatty and friendly towards me. Historically - even well before bomb-day - I always felt that there was an undercurrent of anger and perhaps disdain that he had towards me. It's bad that this significant change in his behaviour towards me, while welcome, I treat with suspicion in large part because I'm rather sure that he's acted as a conduit of information to his mother using deceptive means including I believe recording conversations.
I'm going with the flow for now and hoping that this continues. It was very weird though on Friday night when I got home from work when we chatted over beer in the kitchen for about 3 hours on all sorts of topics from the impact if he amputated my arm that has the tattoo related to his mother that I'm having removed by laser, to the Protestant Reformation and the reasons behind eating fish on Fridays for Catholics (yes we're interested in "everything") That has never happened before.
I of course have nothing to hide or conceal from him. In fact on Friday I'd received a letter from my lawyer which I casually opened and left sitting open on the kitchen table. I did mention that things were coming to a close but in the context that I hoped that there was some money coming back from my retainer because finances are tight for us right now.
Semi oddly as well he wanted to do the errand running with me again today in part because he needs a new lunch box and wanted to go to the liquor store as he's going to a party tonight. Again - even though mind-reading is frowned upon - his mother RUNS a liquor store but instead he caught a ride with me. Perhaps he only interacts with her reluctantly.
D25 and her H are currently in DC celebrating their 6th anniversary which is on Sunday. Co-incidentally the day that my divorce from her mother is final. I sent them a card which may or may not have arrived yet where I wrote to them that "love is a choice that we make each and every day". I'm sure they will understand the emotions behind that from me.
One of the things that S23 and I chatted about on Friday night was a conversation I had with one of the security guards at my office that day. She's a nice lady and we always have a "hi" etc each day as I pass by. She found out a few months ago when I mentioned that I was going on vacation in February that I was divorced which confused her as she explained to me that I was a nice guy who very likely didn't abuse his wife and who had a good job. She was asking me if I'd found someone new on Friday and was surprised that I hadn't. She then was very vigorous that she could find me someone and felt that she should. It was a bit disturbing because she emphasized that she would find me a nice "girl" and talked a bit about her heritage from Pakistan. I thanked her and assured her that I was fine for now alone discovering who I was myself. S23 suggested to me that if they were handing out girlfriends that he was willing to stand in line and that he had a very pretty girl ring the doorbell soliciting for a local political candidate and regretted the fact that he hadn't shaved in a week and had had to pull on whatever pants he could grab quickly when the doorbell rang as he'd been au-natural at the time. One of the reasons why I don't date
S23 and I had a pretty good day today thus far. We grocery shopped rather well together although the bill was rather substantial and I had to move money out of savings later to cover things we did agree that we were stocking up on some of the more expensive things such as meat. I've been very open to him about "our" finances even though he doesn't contribute to them.
It was a bit odd today because for the first time S23 and the nice lady at the flower shop who I'm sweet on met for the first time. Weirdly when I introduced them, they did a fairly formal handshake thing, but whatever. Until we left the shop though and I mentioned it to S23 I don't think he knew that this particular lady was the one that I've mentioned to him before. Again he seemed very uncomfortable about things and so we played a "guess how old the lady is" game. He picked 36 which to me may be on the high side but we don't actually know. I think that I'm doing the right thing in gradually getting him accustomed to the idea of me dating. I know that the standard thing is to not have the kids meet the potential date for some time but I'm not actually dating either of the two very nice ladies who S23 has now met and again, I'm very big on being honest and it's not as if they're being introduced as "here's your new step-mom". I still have lots of courage to find first.
In other news I've arranged with "20 Something" to stop by on Wednesday and do some new head-shots for me to use on my LinkedIn profile and elsewhere. She is a professional photographer and even though I've offered to pay she's doing it for free. She's planning on moving out of the area in a few weeks with the current boyfriend d'jour and so I wanted to get this done before then. She's a nice kid albeit somewhat messed up. Her boyfriend is also Andrew and we had a laugh because she said that she almost sent me some - ahem - personal texts meant for him.
To wrap up this rather non-new post, I did pick up a new Weigela on Friday which I will be planting tomorrow. I've had this shrub around the house the whole time I've lived here occasionally moving it from spot to spot. In 2016 soon after bomb-day the last one died despite my best efforts to save it. Planting a new shrub that I love is in many ways very symbolic to me.
A bien tot mes amis. Time for me to get to some housework that I've promised myself to do.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am not a mind reader, but it seems like your son is slowly coming out of his little fog/world and realizing that things weren't always the way he thought they were. The funeral of his grandparent may have started him on his own journey of waking up. He's seeing what is going on w/his mother and he most likely doesn't particularly care for her or her behavior.
He sees you as an honest man, still living in the home, i.e., cooking, washing, doing yard work etc. These are the normal things that he has been use to since he's been home. You don't nag him about stuff and that's really what he needs at the moment. There is no pressure coming from you, but maybe his mother is just the opposite. No one knows for sure what is going on between the two of them.
I think you are handling the "dating" situation quite well. Enjoy the time you spend w/the ladies and who knows...something may blossom w/one of them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have a friend who theorises that men go through something between 19 and 25 that turns them into beings we'd rather not live with. This 'thing' makes us want to turf them out of the nest in the hope they'll make it on their own. As a mother living with one young man who has just begun this stage, and accommodating another who comes home during those long university breaks makes me believe this is a real thing. I am so looking forward to them becoming people I don't mind sharing space with again!
In your case though Andrew, I suspect your S23 may also be reconciling his feelings towards you and his mother. I'm sure he has spent a bit of time wondering whether what he has seen from you both is 'normal', and thinking of all the other ways you each could've dealt with your sitch. If that's the case, I think it's pretty clear he has recognised what we all know - that you have acted honorably and maturely and that you deserve his love and respect.
It's been a good few days despite / because of my divorce being final. I threw my back out a couple of weeks ago and it's been difficult but stuff still needs to get done. The storm windows are down, grass has been cut, flower beds tended to etc. My ex suffered from chronic pain and I know how draining that can be even though I know that there will be an end of it for me unlike her (I presume). It's perhaps an allegory for us that what seems insurmountable is in fact a mountain that we have already climbed most of the way up.
I dislike being in pain and being unable to function as well as I want to. Usually when this happens it takes roughly 6 weeks for me to get back to regular functioning. But the last time this happened I had a partner who carried some of the load for me.
I'm figuring that I have another 3 weeks or so until I am back to normal.
I try to do a special "Sunday supper" every week even though this week Sunday was on a Monday because of Victoria Day. S23 made a loaf of bread and did the seasoning for the lamb shoulder we had for dinner. Somewhat unsurprisingly dinner conversation resembled the Spanish Inquisition in that any conversational leads I offered were responded to with monosyllabic answers. The previous open conversation is history for now I presume.
I know full well that other single parents have a much tougher time than I do but I do miss the backup parent that my ex provided. And S23 is in fact an adult despite me paying most of his bills.
I struggled with this closing paragraph. Usually I try to be positive but I don't find that within me tonight,
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm sorry about the monosyllabist in your life; remain calm and steady and he'll eventually come around.
If you need some intellectual stimulation during the silence, you should listen to Joe Rogan's interview with Howard Bloom on YouTube. I haven't seen the full interview, but the clips I watched are very good.
Thanks doodler. Not really my sort of stuff but certainly interesting.
I don't know what the heck happened to me yesterday. I just "crashed" emotionally yesterday evening after dinner. This morning has been a struggle as well.
Certainly not as bad as after bomb-day when I was suicidal on 3 separate occasions. Nowhere near that.
I've been ramping up the self care for the last few weeks but perhaps the combination of pain, too many glasses of wine with and after dinner and other things perhaps got in my way.
I'm going to indulge in a little bit of entrail examination if I may. I think what I am experiencing is a feeling of "emptiness". I also have little desire to fill that emptiness. KML was absolutely correct in her suggestion a few weeks ago that I am beset with depression. I originally wrote "dealing with" - but I don't think I'm doing that all that well at present.
Fortunately I have absolutely zero inclination to talk to my ex which would be bad in all sorts of ways. I'm pretty sure that the trigger for all of this is the divorce which after all this time is rather anti-climactic. Tomorrow morning I'm planning on driving up to the local court office to pick up a copy of the certificate which co-incidentally is around the corner from OM's house. I've tended to avoid that city and especially that part of it - too much bad mojo. Just like I avoid the village that my ex lives in.
I've named the beast and recognized it. And I know what to do. Continue with the self-care. Try to make good choices more often. Seek Joy (not her real name ) in the mundane. Do not medicate with poor choices or people.
It could be said that the world is now spread out before me to do what I will. I find that no longer frightens me. But neither does it excite me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
This isn't depression, this emptiness is normal absolutely completely totally normal. It's you protecting you, like getting rid of a virus or parasite leaves you tired after the fight.
I call it the battle weary syndrome. The after the battle surveying the field of destruction. You won the war and there are no spoils, just a sense of futility. And you will forget the hurt, heal your wounds and find solace.
Extreme self care and gentle GAL.
It's ok, it's completely ok and expected.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you so much Vanilla. Your words and perspective give me comfort.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
For over a year after my divorce I was a productive wildman, but my productivity slowed down at the beginning of last winter. That was kind of yucky; I wasn't hitting home runs. I don't know if I was depressed or if I just needed to slow down a little.
During that time, I'd read quite a bit about the therapeutic aspects of psychedelic substances. Although I'd never do any of that stuff myself, I did find that a little Bitcoin and a Tor browser could result in a small package from Canada appearing in my mailbox via USPS (funny huh?). One Saturday when my sons where with my XW, I'd somehow, totally unexpectedly, imbibed a heroic dose of something. I literally had the time of my life looking at the pretty flowers and watching music videos. It was an awesome immersive experience (check that off the bucket list).
Did it help? I don't know. But, what I did find was that regardless of how I felt, if I'd just jump back into my old activities and start hitting home runs, then I'd continue hitting home runs. Home runs beget more home runs. I really hate that it's so simple, but as wonderful as that one Saturday was, I prefer hitting home runs.
I did find that a little Bitcoin and a Tor browser could result in a small package from Canada appearing in my mailbox via USPS (funny huh?).
It's the maple syrup and beaver penises that we add that makes it tangy.
Originally Posted By: doodler
I prefer hitting home runs.
I'd settle for a solid double. I'm not a "swing for the fences" kind of guy. Never have been. I joke with people that I'm boring and reliable and I like that. A good friend at work when I asked him to describe me summed it up as "gravitas" and then cautioned me to not look at dating within the office. There are at least a 1/2 dozen single women in this office of whom perhaps 3 have been extra friendly / chatty since they heard of my divorce. One of them is a bit older than me, one has no kids, and one is Italian. All very nice people.
No matter how many times I raise my hand and say "Please sir - I'd like to get off this rollercoaster" I'm still here. I think it will absolutely get better now and will just take time and good choices. When I can finally exit through the gift shop perhaps I'll get a nice T-Shirt to commemorate the experience. There is very little left now to do other than the monthly payment I make to my ex which ends on my 60th birthday. Theoretically she has another week to pick up plants and garden ornaments but she's already been through (without telling me). There is a community yard sale on June 2nd where I'll be setting the last of the furniture and other things I'm getting rid of out for free with a can labeled with "beer money" for anything that people feel like dropping off. I'll be running my errands and attending my nephew's 2nd birthday party myself.
S23 is back to being cheery and chatty for the present. I think one of the things that may have set him off was actually meeting now 2 of the local women I am considering dating the last one being one who I've talked about here for years as the "flower lady". He's very not happy about that I think. I hope that as he gets time to think about the reality of it that he will become at least accepting if not positive. With luck that will coincide with me finding the courage to do the actual asking.
Considering that my biggest issue now is finding a retail source for an epoxy wood filler that I can use to repair some rot in my window sills, my path is fairly smooth. And fortunately also I know of at least a 1/2 dozen chemists within shouting distance who have some experience with these products.
I want to make some changes and in the reasonably near future.
My career is stagnant and has been for many years. About 6 months before bomb-day I had my search well underway but stepped away from it when everything blew up. My ex was pretty unhappy about me changing jobs probably mainly because she hated risk (go figure), because my income would probably drop, and perhaps because me being home more might interfere with her churning butter with the milk-man. No way to know.
The job is pretty stable but there are some signs that I might be org'd out within the next 3 or 4 years. At 54, moving now would be easier than when I'm closer to 60. The 5 hours / day I spend commuting 4 days a week is annoying as well.
If you look in Youtube for the Fractured Fairy Tale - The Fisherman and the Mermaid - that's how I picture my life to be.
If only my ex would have been contented with her apron.
Time for me to go for my post-lunch 20 minute walk and then back to digging in to why some historical foreign exchange rates were off by pennies on some orders. The excitement never ends <smile>
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Time for me to go for my post-lunch 20 minute walk and then back to digging in to why some historical foreign exchange rates were off by pennies on some orders.
The even bigger mystery is why the growth of Andrew's bank account is perfectly correlated with the exchange rate miscalculations.
Andrew, From experience with my mother' s second marriage ( i was 12 and she was a widow),during the dating period, i had a hard time accepting it. I am not sure why and i wasn' t the only one. Most of my brothers and sisters did to. FEAR.
FEAR of "her getting hurt?", FEAR of us being put aside?", FEAR of "my father being replaced or forgotten?".. no idea but it took a long time for ALL of us to open ourselves to him. One thing i do know, he made her happy. He cared about her alot and he showed her daily.
Now, my current position in MY life with children living with me. I have dated a little. I could not let those men for an overnight in my home. It did not feel right.
I looked for man who had potential for a long term relationship yet i am the one who would not open my entire life to them. I sabotaged myself for failure and i felt those man did not deserve my confusion. I blamed "timming", my christian beliefs (vows) and my family values (father, mother and children). I battled with my faith. I know ex-h is not a fully healthy, stable man. I do not want the "walking on egg shell" anymore. I do not want a relationship with him and i cannot give his responsabilities and obligations to anyone else.
So i am going solo.
I refere to my childhood experience alot when i think about my children. How i felt or how i saw the world at their age..
I don' t know if this help. I hope it does. Thinking of you!
Oh, one more thing: i do not see depression in you. I see a normal up & down expected with these latest events you have encounters.
Careful with "self-medication" and poor choices. You do not want to live on these destructive path and show your son how to handle life.
Take care Andrew! (((Hugs)))
Last edited by job; 05/25/1808:00 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
If you had a look at my bank account you'd know that there's nothing untoward going on. I used to always say that people should never do anything that they are reluctant to explain to their maker, their auditor or their wife. Well, I'm agnostic, my taxes are filed and I'm divorced
I just have to hold myself to higher standards without the levels of accountability that I had previously. I've done reasonably well so far I think. I've always known that I will make some poor choices but I also believe that doesn't give me a license to do so. It gives me an obligation to learn from poor choices and to try better. One evening with too much wine before work the next day doesn't make a lifestyle of debauchery. Water and dill pickles tonight as is my normal practice while I catch up on the forum and get ready for the next day.
exquisitetobe - Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is a bit different from your natal experience in that both of my kids' parents are still alive as is the situation for your own children. They are I believe fully aware of their mother's circumstances and what led to it. I don't know their opinions or how they are dealing with it nor what the story they may have heard from her is. I think for your ex that the behaviour was more overt and obvious to them.
I tend to forget perhaps how they have a different perspective on all this than I do. My daughter hasn't seen her mother since the fall of 2015 when we visited her as an intact couple for Thanksgiving. My son while he's been home didn't have a front-row seat to how his mother treated me nor of her infidelity. It was a fait-acompli the first time he had to deal with it which I believe was at this past Christmas when the three of them went to visit his grandparents before they died. I expect his mother did lie to him about the relationship she has and how it started. What he believed, I don't know.
To me, their relationship with their mother and OM should be separate from their relationship with me and any potential new partner. To them, it's probably muddled. I've tried to read up a bit on it, but haven't found anything helpful for dealing with adult children. Most articles focus on protecting younger children and not confusing them.
I do get the feeling that both kids would be perfectly fine if I continued along as single Dad. Not (probably) with any expectation that their mother and I will get back together, but because it's more "normal". I could imagine them feeling threatened if I brought someone new into my life especially if it was someone younger and with kids in tow. My SIL1 and I have had some discussions on how that may be causing issues between my ex and OM and his grown kids, their spouses and the grand-kids. He has a moderately substantial estate that they would inherit whereas I have a bow-tie collection and a comfortable rocking chair. There's enough money to clear the estate and provide them with a small rememberence but that's it.
I also know that they want me to be happy. I've talked to them honestly for 2 years now about me dating. I've even talked to S23 jokingly about some of the challenges that might exist if overnights happen and how he would need to stay with a buddy. There's a difference between the hypothetical and the actual though as you well know yourself exquisitetobe.
The best thing that you and I have both learned along with others here is that there is indeed no hurry especially considering the stakes involved. Unlike what I believe happened in the case with the OM, I don't have an aching void to fill. From spending more than half my life with her, I can't imagine my ex likes being alone for the amounts of time that she is.
The only deadline of sorts that I have is that this fall one of my nephews is getting married and at some point I'll need to know if I will RSVP with one or two.
I do in some ways wish that our society wasn't structured the way that it is where the man is obliged to make the first move. It was so much easier in elementary school where your friend would pass on a note to the person you were sweet on. And no - I'm not going to give you the details of any of the people involved
And now, my lunch needs to be made, dishes done. S23 is out somewhere so I'll leave the porch light on for him. I think he has a second penny ante poker game going lately.
Bon soir.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The gal shows interest (first move) and the guy then responds. The trouble I have found is the guy is so stressed he doesn't notice the interest or then over responds or even doesn't know how.
Can I suggest that you invest in a book or two or some time on YouTube looking at dating techniques? Several guys here liked models and I personally used the for dummies book. There are even pdf copies of some books out there on this.
I decided most important for gals was flirting and for guys just ask. The gal gives you a signal, you are interested, ask! She won't if she sees you aren't responding, and yes that's not next week responding, but at the time.
OLD has such a different dynamic, it's something I may explore. But every gal on a site is in the supermarket, coffee shop, DIY store etc etc at some time or another. She works in the bank or is visiting the dentist or...........
These folk aren't hidden folk.
I go jiving, salsa, West coast swing and that is a target rich environment. Attending beginners classes is fun and teaches a new skill. It's so fun.
Go out have fun and get dating. Know the signals.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
One thing I like about "the old fashioned way" is that it does give you a chance to get to know people without pressure. All of the women who are on my potential date list have known me for at least 2 and in some cases nearly 15 years. They know who I am when I'm not trying to be "sparkly" and it's probably the same guy now that I'm single.
The lady from the flower shop I probably won't see for the next month. I think she's having baby-sitter issues but you never know. Hopefully the lady at the bank will have the fresh baking she's promised me - yum.
Back in early 2017 I did ask the lady at the flower shop out and she originally said yes but then backed away from that saying that her life was "too complicated". Our interactions never changed. I like that and I expect she does too. At the time even though I knew I wasn't ready I was afraid to let a chance to get to know a very lovely lady slip from my grasp. She was pretty obviously (even to me) interested and I believe was being actively encouraged by her co-workers which included her mother all of whom vetted me with questions and conversations.
What I know now to be true is that it is a big wide wonderful world out there full of fabulous people. Some who may seem to be a good match may pass me by on my road but one may not. Jack 3 Beans wrote to me a long time ago when we discussed the odds and how they were low. I made the effort to go back and find his exact words - because they were so powerful and also so applicable at any point in my journey and are probably true for each and every one of us.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
So about that pride thing.
Here is my horrible secret.
Cavet first.
I was going to be a better person no matter the outcome of this. I knew it. Even if she didn't come out of her MLC...I would be great.
Here is the horrible pride part.
I had a saying I used often. I'm not certain if I am going to say it 100% correctly.
Whether it is a 1 in 100 chance of saving your marriage or a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance of saving your marriage it doesn't matter the end number, what matters is the first number. Be the 1.
My sin was knowing that I would be the 1. That was my pride.
Let it be yours.
I do still believe that I was my ex-wife's 1 best choice and who knows, maybe she will know that one day too. That ship has sailed. However I know myself to be a darned good choice for other people as well and that my ex isn't the 1 best choice for me. Perhaps she never was. Dunno. I can hope though that one day my own "one best choice" and I will sail alongside each other. More and more I'm getting open to that happening.
Since I'm copying my Monty Python collection at the moment ...
And now for something completely different.
I was wrong on Thursday night that S23 was at poker. I'd wondered because not only had he gotten home early but he had also shaved. Last night he mentioned that he had been out to dinner with his mother. He passed on a question about where one of her old digital cameras was. I looked baffled and said that everything should have been in the boxes I'd packed.
That's where it got a bit weird but not in an unexpected way. He said that his mother had been starting to unpack the boxes she had and hadn't found it yet. ???? It's been 18 months since she picked them up. I'm not surprised because "stuff in boxes somewhere" was her main organizational method (I alphabetize). It does make me think that perhaps she's settling in to her new life - whatever that may be now. Maybe she had kept everything packed because she was expecting to move in with OM or perhaps back home (?) No clue. Maybe she is in fact unpacking them at his place.
The good news is that it would appear that she's rebuilding her relationship with her son. He seemed quite relaxed and chipper - perhaps he's now come to terms with us being separate and maybe he's spackled over what could be considered her past mis-deeds. No way to know 'cuz I'm not going to ask.
I also just got word that she's gotten a new tattoo. A copy of a sketch that D25 did for her perhaps 7 years ago that was in one of the boxes. Perhaps she's working on that relationship as well.
Depending on how much intel he passed on - and he knows that I have no secrets - he knew that I'd gone to the court to pick up papers. My ex would know exactly what papers those were. He knows that I'm interested in dating but haven't. He knows that I still have bad days but also good days. He knows that I'm getting rid of the last of the "stuff".
Well - time for a shower and shave and then off to the bank which will hopefully include a withdrawal of fresh baking. Then groceries, flowers, beer store and home. A fresh scone for my lunch. Lamb stew with fresh biscuits is on the menu for this evening. And yes ladies - he "is" single ...
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So this is the 'other side'!! Seems very friendly and I love the chat about dating styles! I am so not there yet but if and when I do I can see that there is lots if advice and tips on this board to help those of us who have been out if the dating game for a while!
Strange that exW is only just emptying boxes now, 18 months later. It's just as bad as my H leaving all the stuff he collected in February in his car boot for three months!
I just wanted to say also that I appreciate you continuing to visit the other board. We would miss you if you didn't!!
((AP))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly! Thanks so much for the visit and the kind words.
I can't speak for your own situation but it may be similar. I feel that my ex leaving her stuff here for so long and then drawing out the divorce and such was nothing more than an exit strategy for her in case things didn't work out with OM. I was (and am) boring and reliable and a convenient "appliance" and backup plan B.
So - back in the day I was perhaps right that those crumbs I cherished and preserved so much was an indication that she hadn't completely let go of me.
I have no idea what she believes now though, or if my speculative mind-reading is correct or not. I just need to keep moving forward.
In a bit of news, I found out yesterday that my ex has gotten a giant tattoo on her forearm professing her love and devotion to her children. Being as OM is a pretty conservative semi-retired business man this perhaps will not go over well. Funny how a bit soon after she left and I think I was still connected to her Facebook she posted something about the love of family and named her sister, brother and niece and not her own children - and certainly not me.
Perhaps not all is wonderful in fairy princess land. No way to tell - not my circus anyway. This is a pretty loud announcement to the world that she's remembered that she has kids at any rate. I expect that dinner with S23 on Thursday was to show off the new artwork.
It would be good if she started spending time with S23 regularly. Perhaps as the MLC narrative goes, she's reconnecting with her kids.
The neighbour who was telling me about the tattoo was pretty disgusted and made a point of mentioning how she couldn't even bring herself to go to the store that my ex works in since she found out what happened.
In actual important news, I didn't get my fresh baking on Saturday. The nice lady teller was there but looked frazzled, apologized again and mentioned that she had just had some surgery done. I reassured her that I was not annoyed in any way and wished her a speedy recovery. She looked to be in a fair amount of pain and discomfort. I didn't press for info that is none of my business anyway. I do hope that it was only something minor. As a single mom to two busy boys she's got enough on her plate without being incapacitated. Fortunately she has very supportive parents living close by to help out.
Being as she's kept me waiting for this long perhaps she'll make up something extra nice. Then I would just need to make sure I get some before S23 dives in. I just checked the cookie tin which had been filled on Saturday and it is almost empty already.
Well - time to make my lunch and do up the dishes. I get to sleep in tomorrow morning as I'm visiting our sulphuric acid plant tomorrow and it's a much shorter drive. Afterwards yet another session of tattoo removal - it's almost gone now and dinner with a good friend.
TTFN
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I bet as a single mom that just had a surgery, she would love a small bouquet of flowers with a get well card, and a number left in case she wants to grab some coffee with you when she feels better...just saying. Shes sending the signals.
Regarding wayward wives.... they really are that selfish and entitled to think that they can leave you as plan B.
Sadly, we all like to romanticize that they came out of their fogs. Not true. Not one bit. Im aquaintainces with one. And i just cant believe the entitlement. Its like watching a made up character on tv that i think cant be real.
Anyway, she left her husband and is dating. Shes finding out that at her age, the guys shes dating dont really want to combine finances amd blend house holds. The successful and better looking ones anyhow.
She actually told me, that she will give it a few more years and then move back in with her ex husband as a companion even though she doesnt love him anymore.
Whem we first come on here, we all like to think they are in mlc or depressed or having some foo issue or drug like induced addiction to an affair partner that they will come down from.
Nope. I think they are just self serving and calculated in their actions.
She actually told me, that she will give it a few more years and then move back in with her ex husband as a companion even though she doesnt love him anymore.
That's hard for me to wrap my mind around. Does she assume that her ex-husband will be waiting for her return with his arms wide open?
I don't know how other people feel, but my XW caused enough destruction the first go-round. There's no way I'd do a second round with her. She's shown me who she is and what she is; why would I want that in my life?
doodler - From what I've read here and elsewhere it seems that many spouses who wander off to play with the fairies have their heads rammed so far up their @ss that they can barely see their own sh!t and assume that we are just sitting right where / as they left us.
I am of course paraphrasing the more learned members of this and other forums.
Does my own ex believe that? No clue.
Is it true? That's a question that bothers me still.
I know that for me I have certainly changed in respect to my understanding of and requirements for a relationship. Things that she would have no way of knowing. But am still basically the same guy who can be relied on to kill spiders (if there's absolutely no option to carry them carefully outside) and open jars.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
As of now, her ex husband would take her back. They still do a lot together for the children. She got nervous once when he was dating someone. She cried and he said he would end it, i think he did end it and then she realized she didnt actually love him. So she continued on in her new relationship. But learned from this to be careful dating newly divorced guys, cause their ex wives might still have power over them. (She verbally acknowledged this line of thinking to me, im not being sarcastic here)
Isnt that the basis of these forums? To wait. To be the light house, lighting the path for your ex to eventually see the new 180'd you? Waiting for their fog of entitlement and lies to be lifted? Cause thats all it was. A scary fog that made them act that way. Its has nothing to do with who they really are. Its a fog that takes over when you suddenly enter midle age and perhaps prick your finger on a spinning wheel.
Isnt that the basis of these forums? To wait. To be the light house, lighting the path for your ex to eventually see the new 180'd you? Waiting for their fog of entitlement and lies to be lifted? Cause thats all it was. A scary fog that made them act that way. Its has nothing to do with who they really are. Its a fog that takes over when you suddenly enter middle age and perhaps prick your finger on a spinning wheel.
JujuB,
I think you're absolutely right!!! My own thoughts and opinions on the subject have evolved. In most cases I think the old adage applies, "Kick the bum out."
I've been trying to stay away from the newcomers forum because it hurts to see the unfortunate milquetoast partners of unscrupulous spouses get suckered into thinking that a second go-round is going to be better because they've become a better person. I like the self improvement aspect, but I think the end result of real self improvement is reinforcement of self respect, and that, I believe, leads to the conclusion that the kind of spousal betrayal we've suffered can't be allowed to continue. (I hope that wasn't too cryptic; I want to avoid disturbing the ardent followers of the DB doctrine. I'm fully sold on, "boot 'em out and move on." I don't have time for the BS.)
Wassock is still one of my new favourite words that I've been trying to remember to sprinkle into conversations.
In the train of this thread as it evolves - I firmly believe that my ex thought of me as her "property". Not sure of what she thinks now - not my problem. She was also during our marriage confident of her ability to manipulate me into doing whatever she wanted - up to certain limits.
Mind-reading a bit I expect that if someone does come into my life that it will hit her pretty hard. I went a bit out of my way this morning and drove by her apartment and yep - she's still there. Still alone. Perhaps wondering WTF happened to her life and her plans. It's now been 3 years since she started chasing after her guy and she seems to be getting farther and farther away from catching him - at least from the outside perspective. Generally there is complete radio silence about her and certainly from her.
From what I've read it's a major emotional event for most divorced couples when the other forms a new partnership. I like to think that my own feelings if my ex were finally able to cement the deal with her milk-man would be one of relief. No longer worrying about any residual duty or of her trying to come back to the pawn shop to reclaim her ticket. As they say on another forum I participate on under the nome de plume of a favourite piece of clothing "no take-backs!" (waves - I know that some others from here are there too)
This weekend coming will perhaps be a bit of a hit for her too. I'm having a yard sale. Getting rid of "her" stuff mostly that she abandoned but including things that she was very explicit that I not get rid of when we were married. Like a 50 year old threadbare chair that she used to pile her laundry on. Like the exercise equipment that got used twice and then put in the basement.
I had some entertainment and posted pictures online in the local Facebook buy/sell group and added creative captions to the photos in order to try to drive traffic. All the stuff is being offered for free. Quite a number of people have shown interest and have asked for stuff to be set aside for them which I've refused. None of the captions mention an ex-wife at all though. I felt that wouldn't be classy.
Even though I have her blocked I'm expect that she's seen the posting.
Yesterday since I was working from home, I was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the enclosed side-porch listening to the wind-chimes that she had bought and loved tinkle in the gentle breeze and thought briefly - that she would have loved that moment - now gone for her forever.
Part of what prompted me to pass by her apartment yesterday was curiosity coming out of dinner last night. Being hot and because S23 had got me interested mentioning fish and chips recently we went out for dinner together (which is extremely rare for us) last night to the local fish and chip place. We had a pretty nice time although occasionally ran out of conversation topics. The waitress I remembered quite clearly from when my ex and I would go there regularly for breakfast on Sunday mornings. I mentioned as I was cashing out that they had done some great renovations since the last time I was there. I'm going to try to remember the dialogue because it was weird.
W - I thought I remembered you A - Yeah - I used to come here all the time for breakfast with my ex W - Oh - and how long has that been? A - About 2 years W - So where are you living? A - (Original village) W - And where's she living? A - (next village over) last I heard. I don't hear from or about her. W to S23 - So where are you living S23 - (Original village) W - Oh? S23 - I work out of there so it's handy A - But his mother "is" the better cook
we leave.
A bit invasive perhaps but friendly. It reminded me though about one of the "flags" that I've noticed with split couples. Who keeps the house and kids vs who "ran off" is a big indicator of fault and who was the wassock (see - I used it) in the events that occurred.
Since I was not in fact sure on whether my ex had moved in with OM or not - still a possibility - I drove by her place and now I know as much as I can know without asking. Which I won't do.
One of the things that I'm trying to figure out in part is what is up with S23 and his personality shift. Not that I'm complaining but that (sadly) I'm suspicious. It's unfortunate that what I've been through and all the reading that I've been doing makes me suspicious when people are acting out of character.
S23 is a "lot" like his mother in some of his poorer qualities. He can be very selfish, self-centered and very closed about sharing himself with others. I could perhaps describe him as a surly ungrateful son. I am, and perhaps he is, fully aware that he's taken advantage of my good nature for a very long time. It annoys me but I don't resent it if that makes sense.
From me I like to think that he has absorbed some compassion, a sense of duty and obligation to family and those who are less fortunate. But I think he has to put a conscious effort into it at times.
He, like his mother has a charm that he can turn on and off at will which allows him to be very engaging for many people. But, also like his mother he has an extremely limited number of good friends where on the surface you would think that he had lots.
Currently it feels as though he has his "charm channel" turned on me. It does feel a bit forced at times but perhaps he's just trying to be a better son / member of the family. It seems to ramp up after each visit to his mother.
I feel bad that I suspect his motives. He has been an active agent spying for his mother in the past. Much of me wants to accept this and I am, but I'm also being cautious and not too shocked when he reverts to normal and I get mono-syllabic S23 again.
Well - that's about all for now - probably far too much. Circling back one last time to the DB principles, what brought most of us here, why and how our ex spouses my be tempted to circle back, and why and how my own ex-spouse is still sitting in her little apartment. I think it just a classic case of sunk costs fallacy. What brought me here among other reasons was certainly the sunk costs of spending more than half of my life building a home and family. What has perhaps kept my ex chasing after OM (presuming she's not happy living above a liquor store with her elderly dog that urinates on the floor) could well be the sunk costs she herself has of abandoning her family and chasing after him for 3 years now. OM of course has few if any sunk costs.
Just my usual rambling disjointed thinking as usual.
It reminded me though about one of the "flags" that I've noticed with split couples. Who keeps the house and kids vs who "ran off" is a big indicator of fault and who was the wassock (see - I used it) in the events that occurred.
Maybe the DB forum could have a thread devoted to wassock flags. I think that'd be cool. It could be like the thread that provides the list of abbreviations except that wassock flags could be given a name as well as a numerical value, something like 1 to 5, that would provide a sense of how wassucky a particular wassock flag might be. You can add-up all of the wassock values to determine just how wassucky your wassock of an ex-spouse is.
Journaling - my life is not very exciting. Just some diary sort of stuff today.
A feeling lazy Sunday morning here with a big list in front of me. It's the first weekend of the month when I do a full clean of the house. I actually have been doing some of the "spring cleaning" tasks on other days giving the kitchen floor a good scrubbing last week.
Last Thursday S23 texted me asking if I could pick up Chinese food for him on the way home. It turned out to be about $50. I suspect that he ordered based on what we used to order as a family of 4. He gave me one of the fortune cookies which had some motivational phrase in it that I don't remember keeping the rest for himself. I did mention that I didn't want any because it undoubtedly had a very high sodium content. I mentioned to S23 that he could pay me back via electronic transfer. It took him until Saturday afternoon to do that, but I didn't do any reminding or nagging. He mentioned on Wednesday that he's wanting to be independent but I don't think he can see his path for that yet.
I'm at the point these days where I do wish that his mother would step up and do some of the parenting as well but she doesn't and I don't expect her to.
I'm annoyed at myself because in recent times I've been finding myself missing her. In part the "us" that we had but also her as a person. She was in a dream I had yet again last night and I could almost feel the weight of the rose coloured glasses I was looking at her through. I can't imagine her having the courage to put her feet on the path back to the home and family she had for more than half of her life. I in turn have gotten good at suppressing the urge to contact her. Other than when her parents died this past January and a stilted formal email about paperwork at the start of last month, I've not really contacted her outside of legal proceedings since I believe January 2017.
I don't know if she is keeping track of me or not. I do confess that I do occasionally post things on social media that show that I have a good life and how great my home, formerly our home is to show her what she's missing. I have her blocked on Facebook but it's easy enough to - like I do - find out in ways other than directly.
There's a fairly big lottery prize going on here right now. I rarely buy a ticket but have for the last 2 weeks. I laugh sadly to myself because I would have a high expectation that if I did win a big prize that that would indeed prompt my ex to knock on my door. There was a $1 million prize won with a ticket sold in the local city where OM lives. Perhaps it was my ex - she would play the lottery religiously every week. Checking her tickets when we would go out for our regular Sunday breakfasts in fact. We stopped attending church when the kids were little. It was always too stressful with everyone getting yelled at by my ex, us always being late after driving there too fast and sitting in the back because the service would be started. Since it was me getting people up and moving I unusually for me put down my foot and told her that if she wanted to go to church that she could feel free to but that I wasn't going to be part of the drama of getting there any more. That was the last time we went.
I'm not religious myself by my ex was at least superficially. She was very active in the church as a young girl and taught Sunday school. When we moved here we got involved in the local church and like what would often happen to her, my ex ended up sitting on the board. I used to help out peripherally and would visit our pastor from time to time and have a beer and talk politics with him in his kitchen.
In a pattern that I would see repeated over and over, my ex would get involved, get overwhelmed, get angry and then it would all blow up and there would be another group of people who she would avoid.
Yesterday was pretty good. I put out what is more or less the last of the stuff that I am purging from the house as part of the village community yard sale. I posted the items on Facebook earlier in the week hoping to drive traffic and lots of people commented that they wanted this item or that and asking me to set them aside for them. I said no - first come - first get. Well only slightly to my surprise most of the stuff is still there. Some I will put in with my recycling - the "collectable tins" but the bulk of it I will haul to the dump next week.
At the bank I had a nice visit as usual with the teller I'm fond of. She's feeling better but still no baking for me. She mentioned that she's going to make me some muffins or such with the pulp after she uses the juicer I gave her. I joked that she needed to just invite me over to dinner to which she replied "not yet". I was thinking later that in many ways we are having the typical "coffee date" thing already perhaps. Who knows. I certainly don't. Despite the opinions of everyone around me she could be just be being customer-service friendly. Keeping expectations at zero and enjoying the few minutes I get with a very nice lady.
I was surprised at the flower shop where the lady I like who works there was in as well. I had thought she was off on Saturdays for the month of June. Chatted with her as well and she told me about the large aquarium full of land snails she has which is to me odd. I did smile because as we were chatting another customer was there and sort of tried to do her purchase acting like she was feeling awkward and interrupting something. I smiled and excused myself so that the business of the shop wouldn't be interrupted.
While grocery shopping another cart banged into mine aggressively and when I looked up there was "20 something" who came over laughing at me and gave me a big hug. She seemed to be having a good day although she was complaining about the need to "adult". I think she's perhaps been putting on a bit of weight lately because the very small dress she was wearing was quite tight - in all the right places. Hey! I'm officially single - I can notice these things now Even if especially in her case I don't act.
After getting some of my wash out on the line I headed out to the old family farm for my nephew's 2nd birthday. I was a bit late but didn't miss anything. I haven't seen him or any others of my immediate family since perhaps the late fall. They were all very supportive and I saw them a lot when I was really struggling but things appear to have shifted back to the old patterns. I really liked how my nephew was not obliged to hug or kiss anyone that he didn't want to. I didn't get a hug but he did blow me a kiss when I left. Some nice pictures were taken that I posted online later. I did get hugs from both of my SIL though. I had a chance to visit with them and my brothers and cousins. My oldest brother made a point of telling me how he feels that my life without my ex will be so much better emotionally and financially. I did in fact get off reasonably well in the settlement even though things are currently tight. I also noticed that one of my cousins who had gone through a very difficult divorce a few years ago was there with a lady who I believe is his new partner.
Unlike some events at the farm this one seemed to not turn into a bigger party. I got out of there around 4:00 - got another load of laundry on the line, my grass cut etc. My appetite is still uncertain but since I'd had little through the day I broiled up a pork chop for dinner around 7:30 which is late for me. A couple of episodes of season 1 of Monty Python accompanied with an adult beverage or so and the day was done.
Well - as I write this, it's becoming overcast. I suppose I should put the stuff from the yard sale that can't take getting wet into the shed for now and get on with my day. The cleaning still needs to be done and looking around the cats are not helping.
I think I'll put on a pork loin into the slow cooker for Sunday supper and for lunch will go to the bake shop around the corner as usual. I believe that she has carrot and ginger soup today. One of my favourites.
Have a pleasant day all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Actually Andrew it's not xWW you are missing it's the intimacy.
I think it's what you both desire and are searching for. I am confident you will find it. So confident.
Once you do then the longing you have will be satiety.
And xWW will be like an old burnt burger because you will be enjoying best filet steak. Even an old burnt burger looks like great food when you are hungry.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi to you too DnJ! Thanks for the visit. I'm glad I made you smile.
I had an interesting to me thought this morning about our separate situations. Even though our kids are older, I believe that their thoughts and opinions are still being formed.
S23 moved out to go to university when he was 18. He would come home for holidays but generally stayed in Oshawa. One of the plants I visit for my work is over towards Kingston so I would pick up a pie and stop in to visit on my way home. I'd also do the 3 hour rush hour drive from my office in Mississauga at least once a month to have dinner with him and visit.
When we were together his mother never went on her own to visit her son but only saw him when he came to her. S23 hates talking on the phone or even texting (which caused cursing by his mother) so they rarely talked.
After bomb-day I know that she went to see him for dinner shortly after she moved out but it was probably rare after that. He's been home for a bit over a year now and I believe that they have only seen each other a handful of times despite her literally being within (long) walking distance. He could get there in about 1/2 hour on his bicycle if he wanted to.
D25 (soon to be 26) hasn't seen her mother I believe since she and I visited her in Upstate New York for American thanksgiving in 2015. I didn't visit in 2016 in part because my brain wasn't working and in part to keep the traditional visiting day open for her mother to visit with OM. She didn't. That was a time when they were on temporary hiatus. They've moved farther away to Norfolk VA and I've visted them there 3 times and will be planning another visit when D25 calls me this morning as I drive in to work.
So the reality is that for nearly the last 5 years for S23 and for his sister, I've been the parent. I've been the one who calls, visits, writes. Their mother may call her daughter from time to time but the times she told me about it, the conversations she said were "superficial".
The key thing I think is that the "normal" especially for S23 is the life we are living right now. One where there is respect. One where he sees me living my life and managing along reasonably well as a single guy. We have a "shabby but neat" house that I think we both have a fair amount of pride in. It's a safe place. It's home. His mother isn't a factor in his day-to-day life at all but I am. He probably remembers the confused dirty place that this used to be but this is now his "normal".
I do my best to be a good example but my halo is crooked and tarnished but still intact. I've not lied and cheated. Things he knows his mother has done. Living with me was the easy and obvious choice, but he could have and still could change his mind fairly easily.
It makes me feel good that my children have chosen me. Perhaps they have also separately chosen their mother. I don't know.
Growing up, my own mother was the hub around which the entire family revolved. She kept in contact with us all. My dad was more distant. I miss them both. They've been gone for about 10 years or so. I automatically slotted my own wife into that role which in hind-sight she didn't fill.
I did some reading and writing yesterday on cognitive dissonance and infidelity and thinking about how it applies in my own situation. Interesting stuff. It does perhaps explain how my ex was able to live with her choices. I think my own thinking has become more integrated as I rebuild my sense of self.
Next Sunday is the annual family reunion for my ex's family. In 2016 while we were still in in-house separation and everything was a deep secret was the last time I attended. S23 skipped it although it was usually a "must attend" event. My ex (then WW) used to be one of the organizers but with a certain amount of drama dropped the ball much to the explicit annoyance of her relatives. The kids and I would be the ones working behind the scenes with others. Doing the setup in the park, tear down and being generally useful appliances.
Last year my ex went I believe and by herself. Her relationship with OM is now public knowledge to her family and despite whatever stories she's telling, they probably know the circumstances. Her siblings do and they love to gossip especially if it's juicy. I was a reliable fixture there as well and my absence and/or replacement would be noticed. I'm not sure if S23 will go or not. He hasn't for the last 2 years now for various reasons that are none of my concern. His mother hated the gossip or so I believed. She'll certainly not be happy about being the subject of it.
As my own life continues on a generally upward trend, I can't help but be sorry for her and the imagined difficulties she is having. It's not my role to smooth her path anywhere though. She has chosen her own path through the woods where I am already on the Far Shore.
Well - enough rambling nonsense for this morning. Breakfast is done and I have to get ready for work and for my call with my daughter.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Next Sunday is the annual family reunion for my ex's family. In 2016 while we were still in in-house separation and everything was a deep secret was the last time I attended. S23 skipped it although it was usually a "must attend" event. My ex (then WW) used to be one of the organizers but with a certain amount of drama dropped the ball much to the explicit annoyance of her relatives. The kids and I would be the ones working behind the scenes with others. Doing the setup in the park, tear down and being generally useful appliances.
Andrew,
You're lucky. There's so much inbreeding in my family that divorce doesn't have any impact on the family reunions. We're all related and we all have the same last name.
Doodler - I come from and live in a very rural area. So I am actually in fact my own cousin. My paternal grandparents who had the same birthdate were I believe 2nd cousins once removed.
I like to look at it as selective breeding rather than in-breeding. In fact if I hadn't gone off to university to study mathematics I might have ended up looking around for which ever cousin I looked the least like
My ex-wife used to joke that I only married her to get fresh blood into the lineage.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I love visiting this neck of the woods. Everyone seems to talk about normal stuff and not necessarily filled with all the anxiety and stress over on the MLC and Newconers boards.
Very refreshing!
Oh and don't dis our royals doodler!! Havent you noticed they've run out of eligible family and are now looking over on your side if the globe!! :0)
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Oh and don't dis our royals doodler!! Havent you noticed they've run out of eligible family and are now looking over on your side if the globe!! :0)
Coly,
Harry thinks he's so cool. I'd like to slap Harry's sassy face with my white glove. You may be laughing now, but mark my words, Trump is going to wallop Harry with a huge export tariff on Meghan Markle. Harry will rue the day and James Bond won't be able to fix it for him.
According to my Mother there is some sort of connection between my ancestors and past kings of Scotland and I am certainly a Monarchist. Not the sort that wears silly hats and holds their pinky out when drinking lager, but one who believes in the unifying power of a symbol.
On the other hand, my ancestors were thrown out of Venezuela for as the governor stated in his letter being "drunken idle Scotsmen". My ex-wife thought that we hadn't changed much since then
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
On the other hand, my ancestors were thrown out of Venezuela for as the governor stated in his letter being "drunken idle Scotsmen".
I think I can one-up that...
Most of my ancestors where cesspools of human desire and none of them really knew who their actual parents were. In fact, my mother told me that while she was pregnant with me, she wasn't sure I was her baby. My family tree is one level deep, and there's even some question about that.
Mine are almost exclusively engineers except for the one that was a brewer with one leg.
Largely called Joseph on both sides (or Josephine). I have absolutely no idea what that means except they globe trotted building things and repairing things.
Kept them busy and out of waywardism and into nurd world. But then I am Celtic and Norwegian. My DNA results say so.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This is starting to sound like "The Three Yorkshiremen" skit from Monty Python. Something leads me to doubt the veracity of doodler's comments though
V - I often joke that our family is so poor that we can only afford a few names. I have a cousin who has an auto repair business in my village with the same first name as I do. I often get calls for him after hours since I live in the village and he lives outside it. The doctor's office is used to my clarification that I'm "the older better looking one". Many of my ancestors are also named John but my mother almost put a stop to that saying "there are too damned many Johns in this family". My one brother is David John and named his son Jack which was how my grandfather John Charles went.
I worked from home yesterday and it was busy with a number of issues to deal with. I had yet another tattoo removal appointment (takes bloody forever) and S23 got a ride with me to the local city as he wanted to get a new phone to replace his that had been getting unreliable probably due to the dust and dirt in his construction job. His new one is dust resistant.
We had a pretty good time listening to exciting podcasts like YNAB (You Need A Budget), Bloomberg Markets and one of my current favourites Tides of History (highly recommended - available through wondery) We stopped at a french fry truck I know of to pick up "dinner" on the way home and he got a poutine which he quite enjoyed despite it being made with shredded cheese instead of curds.
On the way home I mentioned another lady who I was thinking of reaching out to to get to know better. She is roughly my age and we have mutual friends. She is often the first to press "like" on anything I put on instagram and we had a lunch together about a year ago when she accidentally and coincidentally just happened to be at the bake shop with our mutual friend on her day off when I made my regular stop. Unusually, S23 quickly and vocally told me that he thought it was a bad idea. He grew up with one of her daughters (5 kids at least 2 fathers). So - not someone for me to explore a relationship with. One of the good things about small towns is that everybody does indeed know everyone.
When we got home the person that S23 knew who said that they would drop off air conditioners for us did indeed drop off one. I had thought they were doing 2 - no problem. S23 was slightly annoyed with me when after he got it upstairs that I suggested to him that texting them a nice thank-you would be appropriate. He had already done so which was good. He's not usually prompt on such social things.
Since I had to go into the home-office to check on some work things, I also posted a picture of my laser burned arm on Facebook with a caption of Tattoo Regrets. A lot of people will get tattoos on a whim thinking they are easy to get rid of. They're not. I got some nice comments including a very sweet one from a former colleague who went through her own fairly bad divorce about 2 1/2 years ago. I've always liked her - perhaps I should reach out at some time.
I was a bit disturbed a few hours later when I got a direct message from a married lady of my acquaintance asking if I was still in the city where I got the zapping done and if she and I could get together for coffee and she would provide me with pain relievers. She's "sort of" my niece. She's the daughter of my oldest sisters partner and about my age. We met about 2 years ago at her dad's funeral. I counter suggested that I would be happy to see her and her family if they happened to be around with my sister makes a planned visit this summer.
On the subject of visits - I had a good long call with D25 on Tuesday as I may have mentioned. I hope to visit her and her H in September and we might hit a bunch of museums in DC as part of it. It's difficult to plan because the movements of her H's ship are not only semi-unpredictable but also an official military secret so if she did know she can't tell me. We'll figure something out.
Surprisingly I also heard about my ex from a mutual acquaintance. It seems that she is continuing to be angsty and sad and lonely on Facebook at least. This has been going on for a few days and is unusual given her essential radio silence since she left. Perhaps she got dumped by OM again. No way for me to know. She is coming up on some milestones of her own. I believe she put her feet on the path that led her away around her 50th birthday when she spent a weekend with her cheating, selfish sister who hates me. She'll be turning 53 in a few days and no I won't be sending a card. She has a family reunion coming on this weekend which we all used to be active in and is usually a pit of lively gossip and vipers. She did a very dramatic exit from being one of the organizers burning bridges as she was walking over them but I think she went there last year. No clue if she took OM with her or not. It's also coming up on 2 years since she got the "courage" to actually leave the home and family she had had for more than half her life. Father's day is in a week or so as well and this will be her first with no father (except OM) in her life. Perhaps she's getting thoughtful.
Part of me hopes that she does end up with a life where she will be involved in her children's lives again but she's not my responsibility to help or to fix. She's just another bill to pay each month. I'm not where Irish is where he actively has positive thoughts for his ex but even though I still feel the pain some days, I don't actively wish her ill.
Anyhoodles. Time for me to pour my tea and get my shower and head in to the office.
A bien tot mes ami.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm glad that you're still posting and sharing your life with us. I enjoy reading your story.
Quote:
I'm at the point these days where I do wish that his mother would step up and do some of the parenting as well but she doesn't and I don't expect her to.
Your son is 23. What kind of parenting do you wish she would step up and do? Your daughter is only 2 years older... married and living in another country without any help from you! I think you should continue to encourage DS to be more independent. I don't know how much money he makes, if he could afford to get a place of his own any time in the near future. But that should be a goal of his that he's actively working towards.
You often post that you don't have a mind-reading hat/turban, but many times in your posts you mention what XW may be thinking or doing. I was glad to see you mentioned her hardly at all in your last post!!! Who knows why she is posting sad stuff on facebook. Maybe she's looking for attention. Maybe she really is sad. It doesn't matter as you're fired from that job. Most people post happy stuff just to show how great their life is, even when it's not so good. Keep focusing on yourself and your life. Who cares what she is thinking/doing? Get rid of her stuff that she never picked up. Continue to be the best Andrew that you can be. Someone only a fool would leave.
I once asked a psychic how I can help my XH and his relationship with our kids. He looked at me like, "why would you even bother with that?" or maybe it was "are you crazy?!" He flipped over a card and told me to let things be. Their relationship is theirs and there isn't anything I can do to help. Since then, I've stopped wondering about how their relationship is going and just let things be. They seem to have grown into healthy relationships over the years.
Next time you're around a pretty lady who's close to your age that you'd like to get to know (single too, of course), ask her out! See if she'd like to meet for a cup of coffee or dessert sometime. Something laid back and casual that won't take very much time. If things go well, you can always make lunch plans for the next date.
I know your kids are older, but I don't think they should be actively involved with your dating. I imagine that it's weird for them to see their parent with someone else and they'd rather not think about either of you on a date with someone and what may or may not be happening in that relationship.
The parenting that I wish my ex would do would be to actually interact with her children. She's not seen her daughter since 2015 and despite only living a few miles away rarely sees her son. Being there for them. Asking about their day. Helping for example S23 run his errands. Feeding him regularly (my grocery bill is not small since he moved home )
You are absolutely correct though - it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I continue to have admiration for single parents of children who require far more active parenting than what mine take.
As far as the dating thing goes, I'm don't think I'm "actively involving" them but rather letting them know that I'm looking but not as yet acting so that when I am dating someone that it's not a surprise to them and to give them time to get used to the idea. I also value their opinion and if there were someone who I was interested in being involved with that they did not accept, their veto would rule.
As far as my ex-wife and her travails go - I continue to worry about her circling back. I'm very very torn as to what I would do. I came here because I was devoted to her and wanted to "save my marriage" and was willing to walk through burning mud to do that at the beginning. Yes we are divorced. I've got a piece of paper with a court stamp on it that says so. I have no legal obligations towards her at all beyond sending her a cheque once a month. It could be said that she released me from my moral obligations the first time she slept with OM even though I didn't know it at the time. In almost all ways I have let her go from my heart and my mind.
I struggle though to know the "right" path on a "what if". For now it is forward and eventually with a new relationship if that is what is written in the stars for me. She has not called my name that I can hear and if she did - what do I answer? I know what all of the people around me IRL suggest with the exception of my children who are silent on the matter and whom I do not discuss this with.
I don't know the answer to that. When I detect echos of the woman that was, real or imagined, I get confused. Perhaps it is because I am human and once loved with a love so powerful and profound that it was a key part of who I once was. And who I was made me the man that I am.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It started with an email from Canada Revenue letting me know that they had finished processing my taxes. Checking online I see that the refund I expected will actually be a couple of $$ higher It should be in my account on the 14th.
I sorted out a work problem that had been stumping me for more than a week. Had a meeting with our finance people and the head buyer and sorted out some reporting issues in the way that I wanted them sorted out. Had an extra-long and nice walk at lunch time.
One of our sales managers who has been a great supporter to me on my journey having already navigated the divorce process herself and I had a chat where I showed off my digital copy of my divorce certificate. We both bemoaned the challenges with finding someone else new and I reminded her that we had agreed some time ago that we needed to have lunch and a visit where we weren't using up company time gossiping. I think she's been struggling a bit lately as her youngest has (more or less) moved out and she's actually alone for the first time.
One of our buyers stopped me in a quiet spot and chastised me that I needed to tell her when I'm going for one of my walks as she wanted to go too. I agreed. We talked about weekend plans. Much of her's involve going to church on Sunday where she said she feels awkward being one of the youngest there. We talked about religion, my own vagueness on that and diverged into the history of the reformation (her mother is a Methodist) and I'm just that exciting. She actually showed interest in the podcast where I had gotten my information recently so I passed that on to her.
Since it was such a good day in many ways including the weather I stopped and picked up some beer on the way home. Getting home I picked up my post and there was the final statement from my lawyer including a cheque that was for pretty much the entire retainer. I'd felt that I would be lucky to get 25% of it back.
I hauled the yard-sale stuff from last week out of the garage to the side of the street and used my small sledge to pound in a "free" sign. As I was sitting on my front bench enjoying a beer and watching the traffic a van pulled up and they picked up a few of the items. The young Amish lady looked nervous about it but I just waved my arm and cheerfully said "help yourself".
Through the evening as I was enjoying the breeze SIL1 is messaging me in vigorous terms that I really need to get out there and start dating. She was even using a variety of swear words. She emphasized that she is very worried about my ex circling back around and how I would deal with it. It was done in general good humor and I thanked her knowing that it will probably take some prodding to get me to take that step.
Today is also looking like it will be a good day. Stuff to the dump, regular errands and perhaps the lady at the bank will have some baking for me.
This is indeed a roller-coaster even now. I know that I will have down days and those are often the ones I write about. I thought it would be nice to share a particularly good one.
Well - my cat Amy has stopped insisting on holding my hand in her paw but keeps messing with the touch-screen on this machine so it's undoubtedly time for me to get underweigh.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, I do like reading about your ups, downs, experiences, kids, thoughts, dating struggles, and the way you see things. Our situations are quite similar in many ways and I do feel drawn to your sitch. Ok, I just like reading your rambling posts.
In both our cases our adult children know what is going on. They know who cheated, who ran out, and how superficial their Mom is being. It is a good feeling to provide a normal environment for them to call home. And you are right it does feel good to have them choose you.
Re Dating: You are a ways ahead of me, and at the moment that is not where I am or even heading too. However I can see and understand the dilemma of what if. One thing I did wonder about is kids having veto power over a possible companion. With not actually being in that situation but having a realistic viewpoint that I indeed could be, I am thinking that I would listen to any advice or complaints from my children and then decide for me. Her and I would chart our course, kids would not have veto power.
Anyhow, I am up far too late. S21 and I went for a drive to my work place, I forgot my ID and I need it on Monday, going to different city for a course. We had a great talk for almost four hours. Unfortunately I bought us gigantic Slurpees and now I am wired on sugar and caffeine and feel a little sick from all the sugar - oh how I feel old. Ha ha.
You are doing really great my friend. I love reading about your good days.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ - Thank you for stopping by. I often write believing that there is no audience. I'm glad that I am showing you the path that I am taking and that it is helping to illuminate your own thoughts.
Living in a small town as I believe you do too, my kids have a perspective beyond what might be nice and shiny of possible partners so for me I take their opinions seriously. Their veto isn't so much because they don't want me to date but more that they have better intel than I do.
Journaling again. And yes, another good day.
One of the things that is important to me is keeping in touch with my relatives. More specifically the dead ones. At least once a year I go out and "visit" and spend some time with them and leave a lilac blossom for them to enjoy. My lilacs bloom for perhaps 3 weeks tops so it is a somewhat short window and had almost passed me this year.
After lunch I clipped some blossoms and headed off. First stop was my mother's mother and father. That grandmother died quite young of breast cancer. That grandfather was a - shall we say - scoundrel and I never knew him well as my mother and he were estranged. Then off to the "family" cemetery. The place where I myself will be buried in some future day. I visited with a favourite uncle, my great-grandmother and great-grandfather and my grandparents. I was very close to my grandparents and that uncle. I remember going there shortly after bomb-day and asking for advice and knowing that they would have counseled me to toss my ex's cheating @ss out into the snow.
My own parents who I lost some time ago are buried on the old family farm and I visited with them last week while also celebrating my nephew's 2nd birthday.
I don't know about other people but for me cemeteries are a connection to the past. To family and kin. My kids and I used to love visiting them wandering around and seeing who we find.
If we want to dive down the MLC rabbit-hole one big difference between my ex and I was our acceptance of death. She refused to do up our wills until after bomb-day (which is just weird) and would avoid any discussion about her own funeral wishes. Mine were talked about several times, especially after my first heart-attack. I do think though that she mis-understood some of my wishes but I've since talked to my kids and I believe they are clear on this.
Perhaps for some this is morbid and odd but not for me and my family.
One clear image I have from quite a few years ago when I was going to visit the grave of my maternal grandmother was of a man who had parked his pickup over beside what I presume was his wife's grave. He had a nice lunch with him, was playing music on his radio had his feet up on a chair and seemed perfectly content. To me, that was so profound and the right way to deal with the passing of a loved one. They may be beneath the grass but you can still hold them in your heart. It makes me sad that that isn't something in my life now.
In my will are specific instructions that my headstone be broad and solid and able to be used as a bench by anyone who wishes to visit.
Otherwise it was a fairly typical Sunday here. I went for my walk around the village stopping to chat with friends that I encountered. One of them who I had originally thought was an enabler of my ex in her infidelity mentioned that she hasn't heard from my ex in a very long time and she is disgusted by what happened. Given my trust level, I accept the surface information but have doubts.
Dinner was a roasted ham with potatoes, veg and biscuits (bulk barn is my friend for biscuit mix). S23 didn't finish his as he said he had an upset stomach. I try to make a production of "Sunday supper" bringing out the nice silver and serving dishes. It's important to me and I am sure that S23 knows that.
Today was also the day for the family reunion on my ex's side. This was a mandatory must attend event from even before we were married and she used to be one of the chief organizers. The kids and I would be in the background doing the setup and tear-down. I'm confident that it would be inappropriate for me to show up but in many ways am surprised that S23 didn't go. This is the third year that he's not attended. I also have no idea if his mother went or not but assume she did. This was very important to her. I clearly remember when she was going into breast reduction surgery her insistence that if anything happened to her that the kids would still be part of her family's events. What the reality is is that the my son and daughter are (I believe) not really connected to either side of their family.
So now I start my fast for my colonoscopy on Tuesday. Given the history of cancer in my maternal family I am on a more frequent cadence for being checked than otherwise. One of my brothers will be providing me with transport since I'm not allowed to drive after sedation.
Bonsoir mes ami
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I, too, find visiting family members I the cemetery provides a way of staying connected and gives you the opportunity to think about life in general and reflect back on the good old days. There is nothing wrong w/planning out your own funeral and accepting that one day you will be right there in the same place, i.e., cemetery.
Are you sure the family get together is still going on? It may be that this particular tradition has stopped. It is possible that your xw has opted not to head it up any longer and may not even go and that's why your son didn't attend either.
As for your upcoming procedure tomorrow, take it easy and eat light for a day or so.
Hi job. Thanks for stopping by. I find cemeteries relaxing and a good connection to the past.
Yes - the family reunion was absolutely going on just like it has for probably close to 80 years.
My ex and her branch of the family had been the organizers for several years as they were the more populous branch and actually reliably attended. I think she had a lot of pride in doing the organizing along with an amount of resentment that others didn't step up.
For the 2016 reunion I'm confident that some of the organizing meetings that she said that she had were in fact just a ruse to spend an overnight with OM. Shortly before the reunion happened she just dumped all the organizing on one of her cousins and then was furious when she didn't get a special thank-you from them but instead sat there while they made a couple of snarky remarks in the meeting part of the reunion. We left as soon as possible and she swore that she was never going back. I believe she went last year and according to SIL1 had indicated on Facebook that she was intending to go this year as well. In all our years together I'd never seen her that angry but she spent a lot of time especially after I discovered her affair consumed with rage.
It's sad in many ways that she didn't take her son. She was always really committed to staying in touch with her natal family and pushed the kids to be as well.
I honestly can't help but think that there was indeed something "broken" inside her. Time and distance has given me clarity about a lot of things but I still have a sense of WTF on her as I wrote to her once - becoming the person she used to despise. The selfishness and sense of entitlement was always there but the way it ramped up and her persistence in following the path that she did was and is baffling. I presume that she thought she could "get away with it" and have her happily ever after and still hold her head up in the community. The life she is presumably leading now is I am sure nothing like what she expected and certainly not the life she abandoned.
My thinking has been for some time that she left more for money than for love. And now she has neither.
Well - I must say that fasting is no fun at all and neither are the trips to the 'loo. Hopefully everything will be fine. I can't help but remember that one of my favourite uncles died from colon cancer just a few months younger than I am now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The prep is going reasonably well. Feeling hungry and bloated from all the water I've drunk. The drains are running fairly smoothly though
Annoyed that I can't go for a walk on such a lovely day as I don't want to be too far from the facilities.
I'm fortunate that my oldest brother who is retired is going to ferry me back and forth from the hospital. Just another occasion when after more than half my life having someone to back-stop me and I have to figure things out. Another friend had offered as well so I'm doubly fortunate.
I've given my ex a bit too much head-space today thinking back to two years ago when she had the same procedure done. She had already moved out of the MBR but I was still a useful appliance. It made me think about how so very much she's lost in the intervening time. I remember clearly how she was so very arrogant and full of herself then. I was so very confused and scared.
The lives we both lead are not what we wanted but they are what we've been given to make the best of that we can. I do feel sorry for her not that it does either of us any good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew - If your uncle died that young from colon cancer, you might request a gene test for Lynch syndrome - a genetic cause of colon and other cancers. And it's good you're getting your colonoscopy.
I forgot to tell you, and I'm hoping it's not too late, don't use breath mints as suppositories to make your "breath" smell better. The doctor told me I shouldn't have done that (apparently he doesn't like spearmint).
doodler - yes you are too late. And I don't have breath mints. The cats don't seem to care and I am fairly careful about dental hygiene. I do have Fisherman's Friends cough lozenges but I would have had to have used an alternate entrance to get them there on time. And I am sure that the medical team working on me would not have been pleased. Keeping on the good side of people who have access to your unconscious body just seems like smart thinking to me.
kml - There is a strong history of cancer on my mother's side. The one uncle I mentioned at 54 of colon cancer. My own mother went just a few days after her diagnosis around her 64th birthday, another of her brothers with throat cancer and her mother who died in her early 30s of breast cancer.
For my kids there is also a history on their mother's side.
So - I'm back and feeling a bit loopy from the anesthesia. I have no idea of these words are in any intelligible order or not. If I remember the law correctly I now have a 24 hour "hall pass" where any thing I agree to is not binding. I'm also not to drive or drink so driving over to the next village to buy a 6-pack from the store my ex-wife manages and giving her a piece of my mind (the fruit loopy part) is off the agenda.
Everything went smoothly. It really is an assembly line. I think that they appreciated that I was early, organized, did all the pre-work that I needed to do and kept in a good humour. This is I think the 4th one I've had done which given family history isn't a shocker. They did do biopsies this time which they haven't before. I need to make an appt to follow up with my family doctor for about 3 weeks from now when the results will be back.
My oldest brother and his wife were kind enough to ferry me around and I did give them a bit of a tour through the house when they dropped me off. I need new curtains and SIL1 has said she would help. My brother and I also talked about some roofing work I need to have done. They made some nice admiring comments about the property and how I've kept it up. If anyone has comments on the best way to replace a flat roof / balcony that is about 10' X 15' that would be good. Plan A is "hire someone".
I'm hoping to feel well enough to go for a walk later today but may wait until S23 gets home. Lamb stew with left-over biscuits were for lunch. Given that I've not eaten for 30+ hours I'm surprisingly not very hungry.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Keeping on the good side of people who have access to your unconscious body just seems like smart thinking to me.
You're right. And, have I got a story to tell...
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
So - I'm back and feeling a bit loopy from the anesthesia. I have no idea of these words are in any intelligible order or not.
Nothing you've written is intelligible, but I understand what you're saying.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Everything went smoothly.
I'm glad it went well. This forum needs you.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
It really is an assembly line.
Can you imagine what it must be like to work with a bunch of @ssholes all day?
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
If anyone has comments on the best way to replace a flat roof / balcony that is about 10' X 15' that would be good. Plan A is "hire someone".
I've never replaced a roof/balcony, but knowing what I know now, I'd do it myself. It'd be fun and then you'd want to continue making improvements. Just start tearing it apart and see how it was originally constructed.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Lamb stew with left-over biscuits were for lunch. Given that I've not eaten for 30+ hours I'm surprisingly not very hungry.
I was married back when I had my colonoscopy. My wife was my chaperone. Afterward, I requested that we go to a local French restaurant for lunch. That leads me to yet another story...
You may want to reconsider the lamb stew. You may want to try something bland at least for your meal this evening. Your body isn't going to be ready for something like lamb stew just yet.
Glad everything went okay and you are home visiting the forum and no, you do not sound loopy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was going to wait until late Sunday or Monday before journaling but I'm feeling the itch right now so here goes.
I am grateful for this place where I can be among friends and share my life. In some ways it fills the spot that in part my ex fulfilled for me. Someone to listen to and validate and to talk to and explore issues. And here I don't have to manage around a pile of your dirty clothes tossed into the bathtub
Another Father's Day is coming up on Sunday. No clue what if anything S23 may have in mind. Like his mother, he's not a very good planner leaving things to the last minute and not especially focused on "holidays". Hopefully we can get out for some mini-golf (the traditional Father's day event here) or even just to bang a bucket of balls into the pasture. The pub in the village is operating on a regular schedule now so perhaps we'll go there for brunch. I have a backup plan of grilling some nice steaks for dinner on Sunday. Going to do a meatloaf tonight (and yes ladies he "is" single! )
It's also my D25's birthday on Sunday. This coincides with Father's day regularly and we would do Father's day in the morning and her birthday in the afternoon. I sent her a nice card which she actually got on time (I got her Father's day card to me yesterday) and some flowers which sadly arrived without the balloon I'd requested. I need to follow-up with the florist. They've done a good job previously so it was probably just an oversight. I'll double-check my invoice and perhaps ask for a credit as I'm sure I'll use them again.
Work has been going better. I'm feeling like I'm actually getting things lately unlike the way it's felt for quite a long time previously. Two of the senior managers who I've made priorities - because they are very talented and really nice people to boot - have just been promoted to President of their relative divisions. Business is slow and the rumblings of trade war has been affecting us. I sent them both congratulatory notes and got a very nice response back where they both appreciated the help I've given them over the years. That was nice and from a more cynical point of view perhaps helps me with job security.
I've been going for walks of various lengths at lunch lately between 1 and 2 miles generally (2 - 4.5km). One of the ladies I'm sweet on at work had suggested joining me this past Thursday but bailed. Even though she gave me the impression earlier that it was just her that wanted to join me, another coworker - who is also a single lady who is perhaps interested in me but the interest isn't mutual - was keen on joining as well and they did go for a walk themselves when I was off-site. Ah well - perhaps a chaperone is appropriate. Perhaps if it does become a group of us trouping around the block at lunch time that will be a good thing for all. I'm still not really keen on the idea of dating people I work with even though that is the traditional way of meeting people and there are several very nice single women of an appropriate age that I work with. The logistics of me living far away plus the prospects of conflict of interest are certainly issues. I am "very" attracted to two particular women that I work with including the one who expressed interest in walking.
The security guard at work I think is still shocked at me being unattached. We were chatting as I was leaving on Friday afternoon and I showed her a picture of my house as she wanted to know where I lived. She expressed appreciation for it as I'm sure such a large house would be perhaps impressive to someone who lives in the city where even a small condo is an accomplishment. I do smile thinking of her talking to her friends about "this great guy who is single and has a nice house and job". She itches to be a match-maker between me and the available women in her ethnic community I think. I have no issues in dating outside my own very white ethnic group even though it would perhaps raise eyebrows in my village. Which I would also find amusing. Overt racism I think is pretty much dead even in this rural area but there is I'm sure still a bit of an undercurrent.
Good news on the house front. I reached out via Facebook to see about getting the ancient roof on my front porch replaced and got an estimate for "cash payment" that is within what I can afford. It was dropped off yesterday. I talked to S23 about it and he reminded me that I should get multiple estimates so I wrote to the contractor thanking him, letting him know that I was waiting on another price (which I then asked someone else for), for 2 references and said that I would make a decision by the end of next week.
S23 was disturbed on Thursday by what we are now calling our "ghost". Someone was by the house on Thursday and when he got home from his current job-site there was a mostly empty cup of coffee in a take-away cup on the side porch step. It seemed to disturb him quite a bit and we speculated that it might have been the same ghost that broke one of our wine bottles and then partly tidied up a couple of months ago (that I presume we both suspect was his mother). I realized on my way home that it may well have been the roofer with the coffee cup but S23 wasn't buying that. Perhaps it was my ex.
I've been giving her too much head space lately. I've heard that she has the sadz still and is re-posting Facebook memories from 2 years ago when she was - I had presumed - all sad and confused about her path. All indications are that she's still living in her apartment over the liquor store. No clue if she and OM are still a thing or not. They were in April it would seem. I've had an itch to open a window in the old light-house but know that would be a bad thing. I still can't see her being willing or able to do the work necessary to be a person that I would want back in my life. I do suspect it's tough on her though presuming that she still works from time to time at the shop across the street. The peonies that she loved so much and that she said always bloomed in time for her birthday have been magnificent this year. The blooms are now falling off the front bed and her birthday isn't until the end of next week. She'll be 53. She set her foot deliberately upon the path of being "wayward" I feel when celebrating her 50th with her sister.
I filled out one of those silly online Facebook quizzes that asked what sort of woman am I attracted to / attractive to and not all to my surprise I scored "princess". I do have a white knight / rescuer tendency that I'm very aware of. My ex used it to her advantage for our entire relationship which is one of the reasons I need to keep an eye on my tendency to saddle up Rocinante, grab my lance and charge off after the giants. I'm looking forward to the new Terry Gilliam film on the topic. Towards the end of our relationship I was starting to get annoyed because it was very obvious to me that she was taking me and my good nature for granted and I was starting to resent that. She made it very plain though that she preferred OM to me even while seemingly being resistant to letting me go. It is not for me to rescue her. She must face her own demons on her own. She has not asked for my help. I had been thinking that if she were intending on reaching out that sending a Father's day card would have been a reasonable and modest step but I only got one from D25 (S23 will probably not). The fact that even to my outside view that it hasn't worked out with OM is certainly not my problem.
One thing I did find interesting was what someone forwarded to me. When she left she said it was to "escape the noise" and she certainly was subject to a lot of external pressures at that time. She re-posted a meme from 2 years ago on that subject with a fresh comment that she wished people would give her space to find her peace of mind. I was told that instead of the dozens that responded 2 years ago that only 3 did this time and that included none of the people who used to be close friends of her's. She's seemingly isolated except from the "noise". Even though her actions were in hindsight consistent with her core personality I still can't help but feel that there's something "broken" in her. Peri-menopause was very very tough on her.
Well - time to get my day fully started. Rocinante is waiting to carry me through my day. A fresh haircut today, banking (my hopes of fresh baking get reduced regularly), flowers, groceries etc. I'm thinking of stopping at the local winery and picking up some new wine and cider to try - hopefully the ghost won't break those bottles.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I learn at least one thing everyday. Rocinante. Had no idea. Had to look it up. I should just read that book already.
I have been following along and see your procedure went well. I was wanting to chime in, but doodler had it covered.
Anonther ghost story - interesting. It is a shame we shall probably never know the true cause. Protect those bottles from the spectre.
I do agree with your points about dating within the work place. That is one minefield you would need to consider entering very carefully.
I hope you have a great Fathers Day tomorrow. Do not worry about S23. My D16 was asking to go shopping with her friend for the entire day. I remindered her about Fathers Day and perhaps that the other kids were doing something. She later cancelled her plans. Ah yes, the self involved teenager in its natural habitat, and their piles of clothes to walk around.
Take care.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I love your ghost stories.. wanna know if it' s your ex? Bait her with her favorite bottle that you just happen to have under surveillance (cam) lol
Your bank lady need to be a person of her words. Maybe she would be if she was casually invited for some grilled steak? I know you would get a pie from me if i was the bank lady.
Maybe the ladies hear of you buying flowers every week and presume you have a love interest.
You have a huge heart. You have a good look on life. You inspire many . You are well surrounded.
I agree with you about this site. We become family in a way. We want what is best for eachother and we appreciate the help we receive.
have a HAPPY FATHERS day ! You are a great father, a great friend, an amazing catch! (Lol.. you saw my fishing stories.. you are a way better catch then that) lol
I knew a guy that, back when he was in high school, went on a cruise with one of his wealthy friends (along with his friend's parents). One evening there was a ship-wide party and the boys were out on one of the decks and they decided to pee in an empty champagne bottle. (What else would a teenage guy do with an empty champagne bottle?) A short time later, a drunk guy stumbled onto the deck so they offered him the "champagne." The guy took the bottle and turned it up and took a huge swig. Then he looked at the boys, and he was clearly unhappy with them, and he said, "You boys gave me warm champagne!" Then he chucked the bottle overboard.
I'm not suggesting that you and your son refill a wine bottle, I'm just relaying a funny story. But hey...
It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum outside today so I'm skipping my usual lunch time walk.
Thanks for the visits everyone. I actually disconnected the last camera a month or so ago so have no way to tell about any ghostly visitors. I'm pretty sure though that my ex wasn't the most recent one and tbh would be very surprised if she sets foot on the property again. Even on the very rare occasions when she picks up S23 she parks on the far side of the road and waits for him there.
Father's day was a non-event. I got a text from D26 as she was heading off on her own adventures for her birthday. S23 was in bed until about 2 pm (he keeps weird hours). I went for an extra long walk in the morning, got barked at by some dogs and had lunch with a friend.
No card from S23 (no surprise) but he did remember to say "Happy Father's Day". I BBQd some steaks for our dinner and we shared a bottle of cider. The rest of the wine is sitting on it's side on a shelf in the cellar - less likely to tip over. I'd hoped to go on some sort of father/son adventure but other than helping him find some random pieces of hardware in the workshop that he needed to hook up his air-conditioner that didn't happen.
I will confess that I was somewhat disappointed to not get a card from my ex. But then again she never did use to give me a Father's day card. I need to examine my feelings about her and why I still have the urge to rescue and protect her.
Speculating here, but I think that in many ways we are both "stuck" in lives that neither of us wanted. Neither of us have really "moved on". Me because I'm not quite ready and also for lack of motivation or opportunity. Her - I don't know why.
It does make me vulnerable to her I know. And I don't know how I feel about that. I keep expecting her to circle around and it keeps not happening. At one point I was stuck on the idea that she was happier alone than with me but have come to realize that none of what happened was about me. She did not run "away" but rather "to" and to a place that she has perhaps not arrived at. I think it is reasonable to believe that living alone with her elderly incontinent dog above a liquor store wasn't in her list of life plans. Depending on how she's using the money I've been sending her she could certainly be having lots of adventures and stuff.
The way in which she walked away from me, our life, our home and even her own children continues to baffle me. But I know from others' stories that this happens. It's not as if she's got some new shiny life either. It's more like she's sitting in a bucket at least from the poor outside view I have.
I still haven't gotten up the nerve to ask anyone else out. The teller at the bank wasn't in this past Saturday either so still no fresh baking. Fortunately I'm not starving to death. It was odd though since she'd said last week that she would be there. Stuff perhaps happened.
Part of what is holding me back is the fact that when I do start dating someone it will be with the intention of forming a relationship. Like many of us, I'm both still somewhat shell-shocked and also worried about making the wrong choices.
I feel like I'm in a bizarre anteroom of limbo. No new hurts are coming my way and I'm protected by my isolation. I'm not actually in limbo but perhaps a sort of purgatory (for the biblical types out there). I know where the door is and even have a pretty clear idea on what is on the other side of it. But my time here is not as yet done.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
That means, you have to spit the flirty lady signals. You Do know that 75% of all approaches are initially made by the fairer sex don't you? But then you as a guy have to ASK!
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm glad you clarified - that could have been all sorts of awkward Oh - and thank you so much for the kind and rather flattering words elsewhere.
Off to the sulphuric acid plant today so I got to "sleep in" a bit.
One of the problems I have at night is that I dream incredibly vividly and have a hard time separating reality from snoozy time land.
Yet another dream where my ex was in bed with me - just curled up together like we would do. I could feel her and even smell her. I realized it was a dream and "woke up" but was in reality in another dream. In the "outer layer" dream she was going through my finances questioning things and I was trying to remember what the $60 charge was that she was so upset about. I knew it to be innocuous but couldn't remember. After her affair started at least she had a tendency to be paranoid. She would in fact go through our online bank account almost daily comparing it to what I recorded in our books (YNAB). She of course blocked me from visibility into her personal bank account after I found out about her affair.
After this I woke up some more. I have no idea how much actual sleep I got. Probably more than I think but less than I need.
Frustrating. I had to actually check to be sure that I was indeed sleeping alone - it's so very real. I am fortunate though that I have found over many years that I can "steer" my dreams which is helpful when they wake me with a pounding chest and panic. Not the case last night fortunately.
I'm sure that this is all part of the processing and healing. I don't tend to put mystical meanings into dreams despite the temptations. S23 was up a "lot" through the night and at one point it almost sounded like he was talking to someone at the side door. Perhaps my imagination. He was doing laundry at about 2:00am.
Well - the kettle is done boiling. Time to make the tea and get on with carpe'ing this diem.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Lucid dreams are normal dream state. I get those and night terrors sometimes in the same night.
I don't know if you ever saw twin peaks but there was a character called Bob who used to crawl into Laura's room. In my dreams it's a cross between Bob and Nosferatu with the G demeanour. It terrifies me. It's not actually possible to do that in my house.
Other times I dream the G is in the room coming in a star trek gateway beam me up Scotty way.
I also dream I have an open but healing wound on my stomach and there are maggots eating the dead skin. They have the G face. But it doesn't hurt not is it frightening any more.
Other times dream things are really like they are happening, but they are ordinary day to day stuff, like travelling on a bus, making a cup of tea, etc. But real.
This has been going on for a few years and starts up when the G has his antics. And yes, I had a night visitor too a few months ago, a drunken G sleeping on the bench in my garden when it snowed a few months ago. It was unexpected.
So I expect the bizarre and unusual these days but it doesn't phase me any more. The BIT haunts my FB page that's slightly nuts.
Otherwise things are much calmer these days.
I think this fades like a dimming light fades over time.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yesterday I got home and S23 and I went for his first driving practice in many years. I got us to a deserted back road and he drove us to the local drive-in restaurant where we had some rather good poutine. The car is stick shift so it stalled a few times and he spun the tires a couple starting off. He was very nervous (as was I). At the last stop sign before we arrived he got through the intersection without stalling and we were both impressed. I drove home. I think he found it draining. We were both very pleased with the experience. Previously I'd suggested his mother would be most compatible with him practicing as she had a clearer picture of formal driver training and they got along better. I pretty much never happened. He in that time was also very stressed and nervous the one time I took him out. This time, he was incredibly nervous, but about the driving and not about it being me with him. He listened to my suggestions and I did my best to un-clench my legs and pretend to relax.
I joke with him and others that he needs to move out before he turns 35. The impression I got from him yesterday is that he sees that happening in the reasonably near future. I have no specifics though. He's been squirreling money away I believe as well. I believe that it's plain to him that I'm not fussed about the subject. He knows he's welcome to stay and I'd support him moving out. In some ways if he were independent it would simplify my life a bit as well as help my pocketbook but he knows that it will be his choice and not mine.
More dreams about my ex last night - this time she was trying to remind me of all the good times we had. Not as real as before. SIL1 spent some more time again pressuring me to date and warning me that my ex may circle around. I do think that her repeated comments on the topic are helping me prepare for the possibility. It may never happen. I still hold firm in my belief that she would be unlikely to be willing to do the work necessary for me to trust her again and meanwhile I'm moving forward as if she doesn't exist other than as a bill I pay each month.
Working from home today and had the last (finally) of the duck stew for lunch. Next week I'll probably go to the butcher shop and stock up on a couple of roasts and such and start the process all over again.
This afternoon the single person who has given me an estimate for my small roofing job stopped by to give me his references. I worry about being a good judge of character but decided to take the risk based on his obvious knowledge of the work, the fact that he had no problem giving me references and a "feeling" that he would do the job I wanted done and gave him the job then and there. He's coming by next Wednesday to do it and I believe expects me to lend a hand. I do have some prep work to do first removing trim and such.
Being such a glorious day today I went for two rounds of my usual walk spoiling myself to an ice cream cone from the village general store after the lunch-time one. I had a laugh during my afternoon walk encountering some neighbours that I vaguely recalled (I'm horrible at remembering people) who seemed to think I was a stranger even though I've lived in this small village for nearly 30 years. I think that the isolation I perceived during my marriage was a real thing. We had a nice chat. A bit later I chatted with some distant cousins and then ran into a local reprobate called "Copper". Copper is a tiny little dog with a big attitude and he and I have a cordial relationship where he barks at me, sniffs my hand and then runs away. He's been travelling farther from home lately and I've been the bad guy turning him in. Today there was a lady working on her flower beds (again I'm horrible at remembering people) and we chatted a bit while Copper tried to forestall his doom by running home. It turned out that the lady is functionally blind and had good reason for not recognizing me but remembered my ex and my children from when they all went to the mom and tots play group at the library. News was exchanged, the "oh - she preferred her boyfriend" line was given to sympathetic noises and I went and turned Copper into to the relevant authorities. On my way back I let her know that Copper was safe - but in trouble - and we chatted a bit more. She struggles with her blindness but showed a lot of compassion for my own situation which was very kind. Just as I was leaving she asked who I was currently seeing and seemed shocked when I said no-one which I found kind.
We talked about various things and I think she liked how I am so very grateful for so many good things that are in my life and all around me. And I am.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
You will get through this. You will survive. Quite possibly you will be come a better person for this.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Would you son be open to going to a driving school? He might feel a bit more comfortable w/someone else and a car that doesn't belong to you. I do know how you felt about sitting in the passenger seat. I went through that several years ago w/my nephew one summer...we made it through the 6 mths of practicing and he got his license the first time. As for his mother working w/him...no way did he want her in the car. He didn't want her to see any mistakes he made along the way and be judged for them.
Just my two cents.
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job - My son did go to a driving school when he was 16. I've suggested it to him numerous times, offering to pay and suggesting that he get a package that included a refresher and using their car to take the test.
He's a lot like his mother in that if he doesn't want to do something he won't actually say so. They in fact will agree that plan X is a good idea. And then not do it.
He is a bit more motivated now and is motivated to drive "this" car. We both felt the first practice went well so we'll see how it goes.
Minor update. The roller coaster goes up and then it goes down. Feeling a bit blargh today.
Shortly after posting yesterday I was sitting outside enjoying a glass of local cider when S23 comes home. He steals a swig from my glass and then dashes off to have a shower saying that he's going out shortly to have dinner with his mother.
A bit later I go up to pass on some news about the roofer and car insurance and we go out on to the front porch balcony and I show him the pre-work we need to do. While out there, who should pull up but my ex sitting in the passenger seat of OM's pickup. I mention "I think your ride is here" and S23 dashes off. He gets home about 9:30 while I'm finishing up the dishes. He seemed to be in a good humour. I then foolishly sit up for a few more hours, another bottle of cider which puts me to bed after midnight getting up for 4:30.
My feelings are "complex". My SIL who has been watching my ex's social media was sure that she and OM had broken up yet again and there was angst and drama being posted only a day or so ago and had been for a couple of weeks. She had been pressuring me to be prepared for my ex to circle around and so I was working on that. But with the sort of farting sound that a balloon makes as it deflates, that concern is now gone for the foreseeable future which is a "good" thing.
As far as what's actually going on in my ex's life - I have no clue. Angst and drama followed by them showing up on short notice to take S23 out to dinner could mean wedding bells? Or not. My SIL is shocked beyond words about the fact that they were together yesterday. Well - not "beyond" words - she actually had quite a bit to say.
It's good in many ways that S23 seems to have a good relationship with his mother for the few times he sees her and I would presume OM. I can't help but be annoyed by that, but it is what it is. Whether it's that he's accepted her narrative which is probably mostly lies, or that he's OK with the fact that she cheated and lied and hurt me so very badly, or if he's just sweeping the whole thing under the rug and ignoring it is anyone's guess. I did ask a friend of his who is upset with my ex on my behalf if S23 seemed to have any issues with his mother and he said that S23 never mentions his mother at all.
Well - it's a lovely day here so I'm going to go for a lunch-time walk. I saw my colleague who said she wanted to walk with me wearing shoes not at all conducive to walking this morning so I'm not going to bother asking her.
Blargh
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The roller coaster goes up and then it goes down. Feeling a bit blargh today.
Andrew,
Cheer up, I have a ton of ironing that I'll be shipping to you.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Well - it's a lovely day here so I'm going to go for a lunch-time walk.
Right now, it's incredibly hot in north Florida. In fact, it's so hot that when I went to the grocery store during lunch, some old people were standing outside and asked me if they'd died. Huh? Then I realized what was going on. That really p*ssed me off. I yelled back at them, "DO YOU REALLY THINK I LOOK LIKE SATAN?" Old people these days; they're such a menace.
Do your social media updates and speculation from your SIL help you, hurt you, or don't affect you?
I would say if they don't help, or they are neutral, it might be the best bet to not have them at all.
As far as your S and OM..... It's different when it comes to a kid and his parents and an A. I for one, know my dad had an A with his wife on my mother. I never heard the words, but I know as much. I was 18 when I met her, and I was nice. I did sweep things under the rug, because I valued my relationship with my father. His relationship with my mother and my stepmother was mutually exclusive of our relationship as father and daughter.
Your S seems to have his R handled with his mom. He chooses to keep them separate and quiet, so don't you probe his friends about it! He seems like a quiet guy who just goes about his business and stays neutral like Switzerland.
Oh how I hate that roller coaster! In fact, I don't like roller coasters in general, so I certainly don't like the emotional ones. LOL But I feel your pain.
I was wondering something along the same lines as Ginger....how do these SIL updates work for you? For me, it would be somewhat frustrating to have that kind of running dialogue about my ex, but then again, I'm not you and you are not me, so maybe it works great for you. Just curious. I kept my XH on my facebook, but mainly so that he could see pics that I shared of the girls and grandkids because I'm a nice person (too d@mn nice most of the time, but that's a whole other story), but I quickly figured out that I could keep him on my friends list but "unfollow" him so that I don't see his actual posts unless he tags me which he never does, so he can see whatever I post, but I can't see what he posts so that works for me. At this point, I could probably delete him and he would never know the difference since he acts like I don't exist and for the most part, the feeling is absolutely, totally, completely, 100% mutual.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I was wondering something along the same lines as Ginger....how do these SIL updates work for you? For me, it would be somewhat frustrating to have that kind of running dialogue about my ex, but then again, I'm not you and you are not me, so maybe it works great for you.
Great isn't a word I would use . At the beginning this was a mechanism to keep me from pain-shopping by putting a firewall in place between knowledge of my then wife's activities and a very hurting and confused man who did far too much mind-reading.
In early 2017, shortly after I told her I was done waiting for her to make up her mind and just before she used the joint savings account to go to a high end tropical resort with OM I blocked her on Facebook and SnapChat and coincidentally she blocked me. I also unfriended all of her relations. That helped stop the pain. My ex also a few months after she left stopped posting every time she broke wind often going months without posting anything. So there was usually nothing to report except silence.
My one SIL stayed FB friends with her out of morbid curiosity watching for the "karma bus". Most of the time there is nothing to report. Since it's been about 3 years since she started her affair and there has been no sign of my ex getting her happily ever after and his wallet firmly in her grasp we were concerned about her circling around to try to reconcile. Something that I've written about here as being uncertain on how I would handle. So - when she started posting drama and angst combined with other knowledge from S23 that she's started to finally unpack boxes at her apartment, we got concerned - hence my posting here to explore the issue.
Since everyone keeps telling me what a "catch" I am, I suppose I make a pretty decent Plan B too and have never given her any indication that that is completely off the table (let's not go there - even I don't have that figured out).
Since it would appear that they are back together for the present, the angst will probably stop and she'll go back into radio silence. Or announce wedding plans at which point SIL1 will cut the cord.
So - it bothers me yes - but it's good intel to have. One thing I've learned from reading a lot about divorce is that some possessive controlling types like my ex don't just go away quietly. The fact that she's stayed connected to those friends and relatives of mine that didn't dump her along with the fact that she's recently reached out to some of them supports this argument.
And - I fully expect that she's keeping an eye on me similarly. I'm 90% sure that S23 has been used as a spy to pass on intel on multiple occasions. We have nearly 30 years of mutual friends and acquaintances that she could draw on and probably hears about my activities even if she doesn't seek it out. Me - I've got nothing to hide. I have been tempted to "plant" information from time to time like when I started parking on the side driveway as if there was another car in the garage. S23 asked about that shortly after visiting his mother once. I believe she still occasionally works in the shop across the street that is the sister store to the one she manages and goes by the house regularly.
Still not sure if she actually "was" my ghost but I think she was for the wine bottle incident at least.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Trying to process stuff today. The roller coaster is still on the bottom part of the loop. I really hope that it's coming to a stop soon and I can exit through the gift shop but I doubt it.
Yesterday was a generally good but low key day. I had a long chat with my "work daughter" about life, buying houses, going camping etc. I remarked on how my SIL and the security guard were sure that I should be out dating and she heartily agreed. It's flattering to be told by people I like that I'm a "catch". Maybe one day I'll believe it but not right now.
I'm pretty sure that I know exactly why I'm down instead of up. It was the renewed news of my ex combined with her birthday which was yesterday. She turned 53. Only slightly to my surprise S23 wasn't home when I got here and his mother dropped him off alone without OM some hours later. He dashed in and then dashed out right away to go see a buddy of his.
I ended staying up late with a bottle of wine until he got home. He startled me awake by nudging me. I had just been sitting there, zombied out. Passed out could maybe be a term but most of the wine was still in the bottle and while I was tipsy I wasn't drunk. This isn't the first time this has happened but it is extremely rare. There was just this gap of several hours between my last recollection and him getting home. I believe the last time I was also similarly attempting to deal with issues.
I think the news flow about my ex will essentially stop soon. My SIL - who is very upset that she was wrong about me being a target - says that she's going to block her this weekend. My original reaction was a certain amount of panic which I think many here would understand but I said nothing.
With it being my ex's birthday "of course" Facebook had all sorts of reminders of birthdays past where I would post about how wonderful she was, wishing her a happy birthday. I remember on many occasions people telling her how lucky she was to have me in her life and her heartily agreeing. I absolutely believed that I was fortunate to have her including her flaws of which we both had lots.
I decided to post today to explore what it was that I had been looking for. Speaking honestly, I don't want her back. I usually qualify that statement but not today. She is who she is and it's more or less the person who she always was. A person who could do the evil things that she did to me and do it with a smile on her face. My own experience is modest compared to many here but it still hurt and still does.
I think that what I had been deep down hoping for was an act or expression of contrition or remorse. Does she actually feel that? No clue. When I was talking to my "work daughter" about her upcoming camping trip, I remarked on the large fund of camping equipment that I have that sits unused. It used to be for my ex and her regular outings as a Girl Guide leader. Something that was part of her identity. Something she shed in an fit of anger like several things she left behind when she left. She never did show any anger at me though.
Like many of the spouses who leave that I read about especially here, she has a new life and new friends many of whom know nothing of her backstory beyond whatever she may tell them. I highly suspect that she doesn't tell the truth. Knowing her, I expect she is silent on most things deflecting the questions.
Does she feel regret or remorse? I need to let go of that.
Is she content with her new life? From the outside it looks like it has sparkly bits but may just be glitter on a turd. I need to let go of that.
Will she follow the "process" as documented here of cycling through the "MLC stages" and "awakening"? From the outside she does seem to be following that script at least in part. Perhaps if she had gotten the sparkly life with the backyard pool and hot tub and regular exotic vacations that she always seemed to dream of she wouldn't. She does seem to be reconnecting more with at least her son and she does seem to be examining issues and reaching out to people who used to be part of her old life. I need to let go of that.
For me, I have so much to be grateful for but that doesn't mean that I can't be sad for what I've lost. I look around me and see lots of people who have built new lives even as mature people with new partners after the end of a marriage. I also see lots of people who haven't. Even though some of the latter say that they are happy without a partner they all seem rather wistful when they say it.
My SIL - who is sweet and pushy and never short on advice was chastizing me for keeping my wonderfulness from the available female population (?) Now that she's not worried about me being a victim of my ex she accepted my statement that I'm not ready.
Rain is in the forecast here today and tomorrow so my grass may have to wait until next week to be cut. It's been very dry lately though so it hasn't been growing much. I was able to have some fresh spinach from my planter with my breakfast which was nice. My poor tomato plant is still struggling but I'm doing better with it this year than I did last. I have a modestly busy day ahead of me which I need to get moving on. All the usual errands. I've more or less given up hope on getting my fresh baking from the bank teller - who knows.
Time to face the day.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The gaps are traumatic dissociation and even a little alcohol may push you through the gateway.
Essentially your limbic mind is switching off your neo cortex whilst it processes what it has to. It also switched off the monkey chatter.
As long as you are safe it doesn't matter.
You may wish to consider a retreat of some kind. A period of silence where a combo of sleep and thinking with gentle exercise and nourishing food replenishes you. Communing with nature in a place of peace.
A place of meditation.
Can I speak freely on dating.
Many go into dating with the expectation of soul mates forever. It's dating for exploration.
As you have taken the red pill you know that the majority of potential dates are still in the blue pill state.
You aren't, you have shifted from the blue state world. As have almost all the peeps in this part of the board surviving.
The potential dating pool of the emotionally educated is much smaller than the whole pool. I am a bit of a cynic on this, I love Alan de Botton"s view of School of Life fame and his take on emotional maturity. It's hilarious and better than most stand ups. There are 6 to 10 prime feelings that the concious mind feels. And feelings are linear.
There are tens of thousands of emotional states in the body. There is an app out there in the world of apps on knowing body states. I tried it and it was okish. My fave is still superbetter which I love love love.
The body can only hold one emotional state at a time and we can traverse quickly moment by moment to another.
Taking the red pill means becoming self aware knowing where you are emotionally. Moving from I feel x (you caused it) to being in y feeling and z body state. From I can change it by the way I think to what I do. By changing your beliefs and mode of dealing with the world.
Brave heart that is where you are in this universe. The land of adults and the land of the red pill.
Sadly there are few adults in the red pill world. But you will find one worth having an R with that isn't hooked on the romance of limmerance. It will be worth it. YOU only need ONE.
So my thoughts are that it isn't that you arent ready to date. It is that you haven't yet met that adult who you can bond with. Beware the familiar too as finding someone who excites you may just be your ex with s new face. You may find an adult will, not playground material.
I think that's why many LBS here struggle with dating, they have high expectations and having taken the red pill then can't find anyone to meet that expectation, because there are so few who have responsibility for themselves.
As for me I just date, if it's a blue pill person then it's just for fun times.
It will come Andrew. It will. I internet promise.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well drat. No baking from the bank teller. Since she hadn't been in for 2 weeks I asked if everything was OK with her and was told that she left for a new job.
I gathered together my courage and sent her a note wishing her good luck in her new adventures and mentioning that seeing her lovely smile and our chats were a highlight of my week. I expressed hope that we would run in to each other at some time.
I got a nice response back thanking me for my good wishes. No specifics on her new job, no comment on perhaps getting together. And no mention of baking.
It was pretty obviously a keeping him at arms length sort of dialogue. It made me feel good that she also thought well of me mentioning me as "one of her favourites". I'm figuring that if she was interested she would have given me more details on her new job and perhaps made a general comment about seeing each other in the future.
Ah well. She was indeed a bright spot in my week. I didn't have much invested despite thinking about possibilities with her for more than a year and so I can only shrug. If I'm wrong she knows how to contact me and I believe follows my instagram account.
SIL1 went on a large rant last night messaging me about how upset she is - probably in large part about being wrong that my ex had been dumped and how she appears to have "won". I'm figuring that will slow down now though.
Feeling "the lonely" today which indicates to me that I'm cycling through processing things. It's been a few months since the last time. The bed and house feel very empty today. In an hour I'll probably pop out for lunch and perhaps my friend, the owner of the shop will join me. I think another friend who happens to be the owner's SIL may be there too. It's raining and a quiet day in the village (we usually have lots of tourists). I may have a nap and / or a bubble bath. Been a while since I've done either.
V - I like your idea of a retreat. I have a couple of weeks of vacation coming up in late July depending on what's going on with a project at work. I'll maybe see about getting out on the water with my canoe which is always theraputic. I may also look into something more organized. Budgets are tight like they always are but I have a bit of cash set aside earmarked for vacation.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sorry to hear your ride has been a bit rough these days. Personally, I believe that no contact is no new hurts. I think you should ask your SIL to stop checking your XW's facebook page. There was never any reason to think your ex and her bf were broken up. You two are divorced and living separate lives. You can't move on if you continue to ponder what she is doing, how she is feeling, and what is happening in her life. To put it bluntly, who cares?
I'd love to hear more about your new beginning and how you're creating a life for yourself. Yes, XW is probably using your son to get whatever information about you. That's on her. It's likely a control issue, not an issue of interest.
How's the job search going?
It's too bad about the banker lady. I think you're right that she would have given you more information if she wanted to re-connect. If you're not ready to date, then don't date. I think once you realize that you really are a catch, you will be in a better position to date. In the meantime, stay busy with other activities that you enjoy. And when you are ready, you don't need to date for a relationship, you can date for fun memories. Over time, those fun dates will turn into a relationship when you meet someone who you want to get to know better over time.
I hope you make some more concrete plans for your vacation time next month. You did well when you had things to look forward to - visiting your daughter.
If you're wondering, things are going well for me. 2 of my kids had a birthday this month... they are 12 and 2 now... with 10 year old in the middle. We had a party yesterday. I thought it was going to rain all day, but it held off until the festivities were over! Summer has barely begun and the 10 and 12 year old are driving me bonkers... it's mostly the 10 year old. I gotta figure out what to do to change things up so I don't lose my patience!!
dream - Thanks for stopping by. It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job as a Mom and that even the weather gods are on your side.
You are of course right about everything. I do think that my SIL is now giving up on watching my ex. She means well but unintended consequences are a thing.
It was both bad and good in that I was obliged to examine my thoughts about her more honestly and closely than I have had to for a while. I do believe that I have more clarity. She is very firmly on her path which does not point anywhere near me.
Early this morning I was "awake" and felt her turn over and heard her breathing again. Weird the way that a mind works. Nobody was there of course but I was sure that I was awake.
As you suspect, I'm currently "stuck" in a number of aspects of my life. The job hunt is stalled, there are no specific plans for my July vacation. I know that I should be making strides forwards but am indeed just going day by day right now.
I do feel pretty good about myself and somewhat optimistic about my future. I have a doctor's appt in a couple of weeks to review my biopsy results but am not too worried about that. Over-all I'm in good health. My job, while annoying in a number of ways is for now stable. I'm making changes in my home environment with a new roof on the front porch hopefully this week weather permitting. I did discover this morning that I need a new microwave. I got my porridge cooked after a few false starts but my eggs had to be done on the stove.
All of which means that I'm running a bit behind now but I wanted to make sure to reply to you promptly. I now have an errand to do after work or at lunch. A new microwave that fits the space I have in my cabinet.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
As you suspect, I'm currently "stuck" in a number of aspects of my life. The job hunt is stalled, there are no specific plans for my July vacation. I know that I should be making strides forwards but am indeed just going day by day right now.
AndrewP,
What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
I have no idea. I'm not even to the point of wishing I knew. I've never been one for grand long term plans or "making something of myself".
To quote Gag Halfrunt I'm "just zis guy, you know?"
I've spent much of the last 30 years being a husband, father, professional writer of memos and just cruising along. I've built a few boats, volunteered for good causes and done my best to ensure that I provide the universe value for the effort it put into my existence. It's been a good and comfortable life up until the last 2 years.
And V - You "knew" that there wouldn't be a clean answer to the clean question
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Last edited by job; 06/28/1808:42 AM. Reason: add link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
. Not a huge surprise. He's also been getting a lot more chatty and social with me over the last month or so. Yesterday may have been in part because he was out helping a buddy with some concrete work for much of the day and "of course" beer was provided. He was 4 in to it by the time he got home and had a few more. The resulting hangover that he may well be having explains in part why he's not up.
