I'm glad you clarified - that could have been all sorts of awkward Oh - and thank you so much for the kind and rather flattering words elsewhere.
Off to the sulphuric acid plant today so I got to "sleep in" a bit.
One of the problems I have at night is that I dream incredibly vividly and have a hard time separating reality from snoozy time land.
Yet another dream where my ex was in bed with me - just curled up together like we would do. I could feel her and even smell her. I realized it was a dream and "woke up" but was in reality in another dream. In the "outer layer" dream she was going through my finances questioning things and I was trying to remember what the $60 charge was that she was so upset about. I knew it to be innocuous but couldn't remember. After her affair started at least she had a tendency to be paranoid. She would in fact go through our online bank account almost daily comparing it to what I recorded in our books (YNAB). She of course blocked me from visibility into her personal bank account after I found out about her affair.
After this I woke up some more. I have no idea how much actual sleep I got. Probably more than I think but less than I need.
Frustrating. I had to actually check to be sure that I was indeed sleeping alone - it's so very real. I am fortunate though that I have found over many years that I can "steer" my dreams which is helpful when they wake me with a pounding chest and panic. Not the case last night fortunately.
I'm sure that this is all part of the processing and healing. I don't tend to put mystical meanings into dreams despite the temptations. S23 was up a "lot" through the night and at one point it almost sounded like he was talking to someone at the side door. Perhaps my imagination. He was doing laundry at about 2:00am.
Well - the kettle is done boiling. Time to make the tea and get on with carpe'ing this diem.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Lucid dreams are normal dream state. I get those and night terrors sometimes in the same night.
I don't know if you ever saw twin peaks but there was a character called Bob who used to crawl into Laura's room. In my dreams it's a cross between Bob and Nosferatu with the G demeanour. It terrifies me. It's not actually possible to do that in my house.
Other times I dream the G is in the room coming in a star trek gateway beam me up Scotty way.
I also dream I have an open but healing wound on my stomach and there are maggots eating the dead skin. They have the G face. But it doesn't hurt not is it frightening any more.
Other times dream things are really like they are happening, but they are ordinary day to day stuff, like travelling on a bus, making a cup of tea, etc. But real.
This has been going on for a few years and starts up when the G has his antics. And yes, I had a night visitor too a few months ago, a drunken G sleeping on the bench in my garden when it snowed a few months ago. It was unexpected.
So I expect the bizarre and unusual these days but it doesn't phase me any more. The BIT haunts my FB page that's slightly nuts.
Otherwise things are much calmer these days.
I think this fades like a dimming light fades over time.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yesterday I got home and S23 and I went for his first driving practice in many years. I got us to a deserted back road and he drove us to the local drive-in restaurant where we had some rather good poutine. The car is stick shift so it stalled a few times and he spun the tires a couple starting off. He was very nervous (as was I). At the last stop sign before we arrived he got through the intersection without stalling and we were both impressed. I drove home. I think he found it draining. We were both very pleased with the experience. Previously I'd suggested his mother would be most compatible with him practicing as she had a clearer picture of formal driver training and they got along better. I pretty much never happened. He in that time was also very stressed and nervous the one time I took him out. This time, he was incredibly nervous, but about the driving and not about it being me with him. He listened to my suggestions and I did my best to un-clench my legs and pretend to relax.
I joke with him and others that he needs to move out before he turns 35. The impression I got from him yesterday is that he sees that happening in the reasonably near future. I have no specifics though. He's been squirreling money away I believe as well. I believe that it's plain to him that I'm not fussed about the subject. He knows he's welcome to stay and I'd support him moving out. In some ways if he were independent it would simplify my life a bit as well as help my pocketbook but he knows that it will be his choice and not mine.
More dreams about my ex last night - this time she was trying to remind me of all the good times we had. Not as real as before. SIL1 spent some more time again pressuring me to date and warning me that my ex may circle around. I do think that her repeated comments on the topic are helping me prepare for the possibility. It may never happen. I still hold firm in my belief that she would be unlikely to be willing to do the work necessary for me to trust her again and meanwhile I'm moving forward as if she doesn't exist other than as a bill I pay each month.
Working from home today and had the last (finally) of the duck stew for lunch. Next week I'll probably go to the butcher shop and stock up on a couple of roasts and such and start the process all over again.
This afternoon the single person who has given me an estimate for my small roofing job stopped by to give me his references. I worry about being a good judge of character but decided to take the risk based on his obvious knowledge of the work, the fact that he had no problem giving me references and a "feeling" that he would do the job I wanted done and gave him the job then and there. He's coming by next Wednesday to do it and I believe expects me to lend a hand. I do have some prep work to do first removing trim and such.
Being such a glorious day today I went for two rounds of my usual walk spoiling myself to an ice cream cone from the village general store after the lunch-time one. I had a laugh during my afternoon walk encountering some neighbours that I vaguely recalled (I'm horrible at remembering people) who seemed to think I was a stranger even though I've lived in this small village for nearly 30 years. I think that the isolation I perceived during my marriage was a real thing. We had a nice chat. A bit later I chatted with some distant cousins and then ran into a local reprobate called "Copper". Copper is a tiny little dog with a big attitude and he and I have a cordial relationship where he barks at me, sniffs my hand and then runs away. He's been travelling farther from home lately and I've been the bad guy turning him in. Today there was a lady working on her flower beds (again I'm horrible at remembering people) and we chatted a bit while Copper tried to forestall his doom by running home. It turned out that the lady is functionally blind and had good reason for not recognizing me but remembered my ex and my children from when they all went to the mom and tots play group at the library. News was exchanged, the "oh - she preferred her boyfriend" line was given to sympathetic noises and I went and turned Copper into to the relevant authorities. On my way back I let her know that Copper was safe - but in trouble - and we chatted a bit more. She struggles with her blindness but showed a lot of compassion for my own situation which was very kind. Just as I was leaving she asked who I was currently seeing and seemed shocked when I said no-one which I found kind.
We talked about various things and I think she liked how I am so very grateful for so many good things that are in my life and all around me. And I am.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
You will get through this. You will survive. Quite possibly you will be come a better person for this.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Would you son be open to going to a driving school? He might feel a bit more comfortable w/someone else and a car that doesn't belong to you. I do know how you felt about sitting in the passenger seat. I went through that several years ago w/my nephew one summer...we made it through the 6 mths of practicing and he got his license the first time. As for his mother working w/him...no way did he want her in the car. He didn't want her to see any mistakes he made along the way and be judged for them.
Just my two cents.
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job - My son did go to a driving school when he was 16. I've suggested it to him numerous times, offering to pay and suggesting that he get a package that included a refresher and using their car to take the test.
He's a lot like his mother in that if he doesn't want to do something he won't actually say so. They in fact will agree that plan X is a good idea. And then not do it.
He is a bit more motivated now and is motivated to drive "this" car. We both felt the first practice went well so we'll see how it goes.
Minor update. The roller coaster goes up and then it goes down. Feeling a bit blargh today.
Shortly after posting yesterday I was sitting outside enjoying a glass of local cider when S23 comes home. He steals a swig from my glass and then dashes off to have a shower saying that he's going out shortly to have dinner with his mother.
A bit later I go up to pass on some news about the roofer and car insurance and we go out on to the front porch balcony and I show him the pre-work we need to do. While out there, who should pull up but my ex sitting in the passenger seat of OM's pickup. I mention "I think your ride is here" and S23 dashes off. He gets home about 9:30 while I'm finishing up the dishes. He seemed to be in a good humour. I then foolishly sit up for a few more hours, another bottle of cider which puts me to bed after midnight getting up for 4:30.
My feelings are "complex". My SIL who has been watching my ex's social media was sure that she and OM had broken up yet again and there was angst and drama being posted only a day or so ago and had been for a couple of weeks. She had been pressuring me to be prepared for my ex to circle around and so I was working on that. But with the sort of farting sound that a balloon makes as it deflates, that concern is now gone for the foreseeable future which is a "good" thing.
As far as what's actually going on in my ex's life - I have no clue. Angst and drama followed by them showing up on short notice to take S23 out to dinner could mean wedding bells? Or not. My SIL is shocked beyond words about the fact that they were together yesterday. Well - not "beyond" words - she actually had quite a bit to say.
It's good in many ways that S23 seems to have a good relationship with his mother for the few times he sees her and I would presume OM. I can't help but be annoyed by that, but it is what it is. Whether it's that he's accepted her narrative which is probably mostly lies, or that he's OK with the fact that she cheated and lied and hurt me so very badly, or if he's just sweeping the whole thing under the rug and ignoring it is anyone's guess. I did ask a friend of his who is upset with my ex on my behalf if S23 seemed to have any issues with his mother and he said that S23 never mentions his mother at all.
Well - it's a lovely day here so I'm going to go for a lunch-time walk. I saw my colleague who said she wanted to walk with me wearing shoes not at all conducive to walking this morning so I'm not going to bother asking her.
Blargh
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The roller coaster goes up and then it goes down. Feeling a bit blargh today.
Andrew,
Cheer up, I have a ton of ironing that I'll be shipping to you.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Well - it's a lovely day here so I'm going to go for a lunch-time walk.
Right now, it's incredibly hot in north Florida. In fact, it's so hot that when I went to the grocery store during lunch, some old people were standing outside and asked me if they'd died. Huh? Then I realized what was going on. That really p*ssed me off. I yelled back at them, "DO YOU REALLY THINK I LOOK LIKE SATAN?" Old people these days; they're such a menace.
Do your social media updates and speculation from your SIL help you, hurt you, or don't affect you?
I would say if they don't help, or they are neutral, it might be the best bet to not have them at all.
As far as your S and OM..... It's different when it comes to a kid and his parents and an A. I for one, know my dad had an A with his wife on my mother. I never heard the words, but I know as much. I was 18 when I met her, and I was nice. I did sweep things under the rug, because I valued my relationship with my father. His relationship with my mother and my stepmother was mutually exclusive of our relationship as father and daughter.
Your S seems to have his R handled with his mom. He chooses to keep them separate and quiet, so don't you probe his friends about it! He seems like a quiet guy who just goes about his business and stays neutral like Switzerland.
Oh how I hate that roller coaster! In fact, I don't like roller coasters in general, so I certainly don't like the emotional ones. LOL But I feel your pain.
I was wondering something along the same lines as Ginger....how do these SIL updates work for you? For me, it would be somewhat frustrating to have that kind of running dialogue about my ex, but then again, I'm not you and you are not me, so maybe it works great for you. Just curious. I kept my XH on my facebook, but mainly so that he could see pics that I shared of the girls and grandkids because I'm a nice person (too d@mn nice most of the time, but that's a whole other story), but I quickly figured out that I could keep him on my friends list but "unfollow" him so that I don't see his actual posts unless he tags me which he never does, so he can see whatever I post, but I can't see what he posts so that works for me. At this point, I could probably delete him and he would never know the difference since he acts like I don't exist and for the most part, the feeling is absolutely, totally, completely, 100% mutual.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Oh - and thank you so much for the kind and rather flattering words elsewhere.
