Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 5

[devvo]

I have a friend who theorises that men go through something between 19 and 25 that turns them into beings we'd rather not live with. This 'thing' makes us want to turf them out of the nest in the hope they'll make it on their own. As a mother living with one young man who has just begun this stage, and accommodating another who comes home during those long university breaks makes me believe this is a real thing. I am so looking forward to them becoming people I don't mind sharing space with again!

In your case though Andrew, I suspect your S23 may also be reconciling his feelings towards you and his mother. I'm sure he has spent a bit of time wondering whether what he has seen from you both is 'normal', and thinking of all the other ways you each could've dealt with your sitch. If that's the case, I think it's pretty clear he has recognised what we all know - that you have acted honorably and maturely and that you deserve his love and respect.

[AndrewP]

Just wanted to journal about my day.

It's been a good few days despite / because of my divorce being final. I threw my back out a couple of weeks ago and it's been difficult but stuff still needs to get done. The storm windows are down, grass has been cut, flower beds tended to etc. My ex suffered from chronic pain and I know how draining that can be even though I know that there will be an end of it for me unlike her (I presume). It's perhaps an allegory for us that what seems insurmountable is in fact a mountain that we have already climbed most of the way up.

I dislike being in pain and being unable to function as well as I want to. Usually when this happens it takes roughly 6 weeks for me to get back to regular functioning. But the last time this happened I had a partner who carried some of the load for me.

I'm figuring that I have another 3 weeks or so until I am back to normal.

I try to do a special "Sunday supper" every week even though this week Sunday was on a Monday because of Victoria Day. S23 made a loaf of bread and did the seasoning for the lamb shoulder we had for dinner. Somewhat unsurprisingly dinner conversation resembled the Spanish Inquisition in that any conversational leads I offered were responded to with monosyllabic answers. The previous open conversation is history for now I presume.

I know full well that other single parents have a much tougher time than I do but I do miss the backup parent that my ex provided. And S23 is in fact an adult despite me paying most of his bills.

I struggled with this closing paragraph. Usually I try to be positive but I don't find that within me tonight,

[doodler]

AndrewP,

I'm sorry about the monosyllabist in your life; remain calm and steady and he'll eventually come around.

If you need some intellectual stimulation during the silence, you should listen to Joe Rogan's interview with Howard Bloom on YouTube. I haven't seen the full interview, but the clips I watched are very good.

[AndrewP]

Thanks doodler. Not really my sort of stuff but certainly interesting.

I don't know what the heck happened to me yesterday. I just "crashed" emotionally yesterday evening after dinner. This morning has been a struggle as well.

Certainly not as bad as after bomb-day when I was suicidal on 3 separate occasions. Nowhere near that.

I've been ramping up the self care for the last few weeks but perhaps the combination of pain, too many glasses of wine with and after dinner and other things perhaps got in my way.

I'm going to indulge in a little bit of entrail examination if I may. I think what I am experiencing is a feeling of "emptiness". I also have little desire to fill that emptiness. KML was absolutely correct in her suggestion a few weeks ago that I am beset with depression. I originally wrote "dealing with" - but I don't think I'm doing that all that well at present.

Fortunately I have absolutely zero inclination to talk to my ex which would be bad in all sorts of ways. I'm pretty sure that the trigger for all of this is the divorce which after all this time is rather anti-climactic. Tomorrow morning I'm planning on driving up to the local court office to pick up a copy of the certificate which co-incidentally is around the corner from OM's house. I've tended to avoid that city and especially that part of it - too much bad mojo. Just like I avoid the village that my ex lives in.

I've named the beast and recognized it. And I know what to do. Continue with the self-care. Try to make good choices more often. Seek Joy (not her real name ) in the mundane. Do not medicate with poor choices or people.

It could be said that the world is now spread out before me to do what I will. I find that no longer frightens me. But neither does it excite me.

[Vanilla]

Welcome to the land of Meh!

This isn't depression, this emptiness is normal absolutely completely totally normal. It's you protecting you, like getting rid of a virus or parasite leaves you tired after the fight.

I call it the battle weary syndrome. The after the battle surveying the field of destruction. You won the war and there are no spoils, just a sense of futility. And you will forget the hurt, heal your wounds and find solace.

Extreme self care and gentle GAL.

It's ok, it's completely ok and expected.

V

[AndrewP]

Thank you so much Vanilla. Your words and perspective give me comfort.

[doodler]

AndrewP,

For over a year after my divorce I was a productive wildman, but my productivity slowed down at the beginning of last winter. That was kind of yucky; I wasn't hitting home runs. I don't know if I was depressed or if I just needed to slow down a little.

During that time, I'd read quite a bit about the therapeutic aspects of psychedelic substances. Although I'd never do any of that stuff myself, I did find that a little Bitcoin and a Tor browser could result in a small package from Canada appearing in my mailbox via USPS (funny huh?). One Saturday when my sons where with my XW, I'd somehow, totally unexpectedly, imbibed a heroic dose of something. I literally had the time of my life looking at the pretty flowers and watching music videos. It was an awesome immersive experience (check that off the bucket list).

Did it help? I don't know. But, what I did find was that regardless of how I felt, if I'd just jump back into my old activities and start hitting home runs, then I'd continue hitting home runs. Home runs beget more home runs. I really hate that it's so simple, but as wonderful as that one Saturday was, I prefer hitting home runs.

I hope that helps.

[AndrewP]

I did find that a little Bitcoin and a Tor browser could result in a small package from Canada appearing in my mailbox via USPS (funny huh?).

It's the maple syrup and beaver penises that we add that makes it tangy.

I prefer hitting home runs.

I'd settle for a solid double. I'm not a "swing for the fences" kind of guy. Never have been. I joke with people that I'm boring and reliable and I like that. A good friend at work when I asked him to describe me summed it up as "gravitas" and then cautioned me to not look at dating within the office. There are at least a 1/2 dozen single women in this office of whom perhaps 3 have been extra friendly / chatty since they heard of my divorce. One of them is a bit older than me, one has no kids, and one is Italian. All very nice people.

No matter how many times I raise my hand and say "Please sir - I'd like to get off this rollercoaster" I'm still here. I think it will absolutely get better now and will just take time and good choices.
When I can finally exit through the gift shop perhaps I'll get a nice T-Shirt to commemorate the experience. There is very little left now to do other than the monthly payment I make to my ex which ends on my 60th birthday. Theoretically she has another week to pick up plants and garden ornaments but she's already been through (without telling me). There is a community yard sale on June 2nd where I'll be setting the last of the furniture and other things I'm getting rid of out for free with a can labeled with "beer money" for anything that people feel like dropping off. I'll be running my errands and attending my nephew's 2nd birthday party myself.

S23 is back to being cheery and chatty for the present. I think one of the things that may have set him off was actually meeting now 2 of the local women I am considering dating the last one being one who I've talked about here for years as the "flower lady". He's very not happy about that I think. I hope that as he gets time to think about the reality of it that he will become at least accepting if not positive. With luck that will coincide with me finding the courage to do the actual asking.

Considering that my biggest issue now is finding a retail source for an epoxy wood filler that I can use to repair some rot in my window sills, my path is fairly smooth. And fortunately also I know of at least a 1/2 dozen chemists within shouting distance who have some experience with these products.

I want to make some changes and in the reasonably near future.

My career is stagnant and has been for many years. About 6 months before bomb-day I had my search well underway but stepped away from it when everything blew up. My ex was pretty unhappy about me changing jobs probably mainly because she hated risk (go figure), because my income would probably drop, and perhaps because me being home more might interfere with her churning butter with the milk-man. No way to know.

The job is pretty stable but there are some signs that I might be org'd out within the next 3 or 4 years. At 54, moving now would be easier than when I'm closer to 60. The 5 hours / day I spend commuting 4 days a week is annoying as well.

If you look in Youtube for the Fractured Fairy Tale - The Fisherman and the Mermaid - that's how I picture my life to be.

If only my ex would have been contented with her apron.

Time for me to go for my post-lunch 20 minute walk and then back to digging in to why some historical foreign exchange rates were off by pennies on some orders. The excitement never ends <smile>

[doodler]

It's the maple syrup and beaver penises that we add that makes it tangy.

If I'd known that, I probably would've opted for the coffee enema.

[doodler]

Time for me to go for my post-lunch 20 minute walk and then back to digging in to why some historical foreign exchange rates were off by pennies on some orders.

The even bigger mystery is why the growth of Andrew's bank account is perfectly correlated with the exchange rate miscalculations.