To read into this is to try mindreading her. Any or all of those guesses could be right. All 3 could be right simultaneously. Who knows. WWs are tricky creatures.
Anyway, I know it is difficult but you have to try to let go. Knowing the answer to your question isn't going to bring her back. You being awesome might. So GAL, 180, detach, and be the best LW you can be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
RR thanks for your response - with all due respects -i'm having trouble on how this could be controlling. I would welcome anybody elses take on this question ..
LV, I going to respond because I believe it is the right thing to do. I know you want to get insight from someone that has had a state of mind like your W. As steve said, it may be right, it may be wrong. There is no accurate vision into the mind of your W right now. This is also Controlling. It is. You can not control this thread. You can't control your W. You can try, but what is the point?
Detach, and I mean this in the kindest way. Don't let Ws actions affect your state. Not now. If she is doing crazy, out of caricature stuff, she is being a typical WW stuff. I sent you a link weeks ago, that sandi wrote about the mind of the WW/WAW. That sums it up. You know what you need to do. Detach. Let her do her thing. TRY not to judge each and every bad choice. I know it's hard. It's your job right now. If she wants to damage her R with her son, it's beyond your control. Only God knows if she will be able to restore it. Not you LW.
Think about this. Even if one of these wonderful ex-WWs were to say, lw, here is the insight that will unlock the key to the mystery of your Ws current thoughts. What are you going to do with that? It shouldn't affect your actions. It may or may not be accurate. All they have is your side of the story and may or may not have a real accurate read on any given sitch. Any attempt to interrupt these action is controlling. It is. Let W be W and you be LW.
Yes, I know it [censored].
I believe you will one day see my point. I hope sooner than later. Peace brother. Let go, let God.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Family Memorabilia We have 3 family bibles (1 which is hers) all were left behind. All family photo books and pictures were left behind All photos of S were left behind-I don't think she took any I made her a Memories binder of cards, concert tickets, love letters and keepsakes.. this too was left behind..
Do I read into this as she wants a clean break and wants to leave the past in the past. Meaning she is totally DONE? Do I read into this as these wonderful memories are just a painful reminder of what was..It hurts too much.. Do I read into this as there maybe a OM and he may not like these reminders in her new apartment. Not sure what to believe.
LW,
I can agree with you on the need to understand why, and how someone could leave their entire life behind like that. Its maddening. My WW did the same thing. I moved our entire house into storage when i left our aprtment because i couldnt afford it without her. After a few weeks when she had acsess to the storage unit, she came and got only what she wanted. She left behind the following (in piles on the floor, in puddles even)
Every decoration she hand made for our wedding.
Our "Guest book" from the wedding
Her Wedding Dress (literally in a muddy puddle on the floor)
A family photo album containing childhood photos of her, her parents and deceased grandparents. Prints that cannot be duplicated. She did however take the $8 in Scottish money out of it first. (Really?!)
Toys and clothes from when our son was a baby.
Gifts i had given her.
my point is this. The WW doesn't care at all for the life they had, they MAY someday change their tune on that. However the longer you sit around waiting and expecting that return the longer you will be in misery. I struggled for a long time to let go of the rope as they say. I was discarded in a very cold and callous way, less than a year into our marriage.
Dont try and understand, she doesn't know the answers to the questions you are asking any more than you do. It will drive you nuts to try and understand that which is illogical. I still struggle with this, as my mind works in a very logical and surgical way. Keep your mind on other things until the sting isn't so prevalent. It is awful, but it will happen eventually. Eat. Sleep. Excersize. Start doing things you let fall to the back burner because you were busy being a husband and dad.
in the words of one of my favorite shows.
"TREAT YO SELF"
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
It's very painful for you to see her carelessly cast aside those things that once meant the world. She is not the girl she once was. The family Bible is just an old book, now. The photos and keepsakes of wonderful times in the past, mean nothing to her now. It's dead weight.
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Do I read into this as these wonderful memories are just a painful reminder of what was..It hurts too much.. Do I read into this as there maybe a OM and he may not like these reminders in her new apartment. Not sure what to believe.
Sorry.......but, no. She left them behind b/c she did not want them.
If you want to keep them, pack them away. Don't torture yourself over the craziness of waywards.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow!!S85-RR-orange-Vanilla-Sandi2 nothing against the guys - but special thanks to Sandi and Vanilla. Everytime I read on of your post from any stitch- Your advice is so on point and impactful. Thank you for taking interest in helping me out.
You all are so right!!! As painful as it is. My focus needs to be on me and my S. I just came home from going 10 pin bowling with my S , his 2 cousins and my brother and sister. Man , It was soo nice to see him smile and laugh again. We started with regular of bowling which I won with a score of 158. Then my S and his cousins changed the rules to only using the lightest ball and your weak hand, doing trick shots with the bumpers up. You got points on creativity. We did bank shots, double bank shots, reverse spin, between the legs, no look shots, between the legs.We were all cracking up!! Of course everyone loved this game.
W sent me a text that she will be by Monday afternoon to pick up more things. I had nothing planned so I confirmed with a text a couple hours after. I mentioned to my S that mom was coming Monday- I also asked him for his input on how he would feel if I would invite W to stay for bbq because it was around dinner time? OR how would he feel if W asked if she could have dinner with us? His response was simply- I don't want to have dinner with her. Guess that was the end of our conversation.
My hope was to keep the family intact for a meal. Is that pursuit?
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
As long as she can keep coming back collecting 'stuff' this game will play out. You don't go in her space and she doesn't invade your and S. Your S is adulting for you in this. And it isn't his decision anyway. Cease asking him his opinion it will drive a wedge. You are the parent, keep him out of your R with W it is called triangulation, it is very poor.
You and S can have privacy. Is there an outhouse you can leave her things, can you send them on, put them in storage?
Time to draw the line and stand your side of it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
LW, if you aren't going to focus on you at least show W that life without her goes on.
Get busy. Have fun. Leave S out of it.
I think that you know that inviting her to a BBQ is pursuing.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Do I read into this as she wants a clean break and wants to leave the past in the past. Meaning she is totally DONE?
Yes, that is EXACTLY what it means. And she is probably leaving that stuff behind to send a clear message to you that she is done. That is her state of mind right now, that doesn't mean she won't change her mind in the future but for now she is resolute and you need to accept that. I know it hurts, but try to keep in mind this doesn't mean you shouldn't have hope. It will take months or even a year or more but her position WILL soften. She'll start to remember the marriage had good moments, and she may start reaching out again. But that's way down the road and right now you've got to let this play out as her being "done". Remove all pressure. Leave her alone. No pursuit, no talking about the M, no reaching out to her at all unless it's kid-related.
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Do I read into this as these wonderful memories are just a painful reminder of what was..It hurts too much..
She has zero wonderful memories of the M right now. All she can remember is the bad stuff. She has blinders on.
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I'm kinda going crazy cuz without W here when I walk around my home it's like i feel there is something drastically missing. Almost like the walls are missing.
You'll get used to it and maybe even come to embrace it. When my ex left me our 3 kids were all still at home. I went from a busy house full of activity to it just being me there every other week. It was incredibly lonely. But I worked hard on GAL and slowly over time I came to appreciate those weeks for different reasons. I of course cherished the weeks I had the kids that much more, but the weeks I didn't have them were filled with activities too.
This whole thing is an extreme shock to the system and our tendency is to want to "fix" it all and "put it back to normal". But you've got to change your mindset, your goal isn't to go back to normal but rather establish a "new normal". There's no going back to what you had, it's gone. There might be a new R with your W in the future, but for now you've got to go about the business of building your new life.
For all of you that given some valuable information- I truly appreciate your support. You guys do not know how much that means to me. Thank you.
W is coming by to pick up some things today and I'm not looking forward to it. I know that I will not follow her around- I will do my my own thing- I will be dressed well - smell good. My place is cleaned up. Now I know that she may want a clean break-this is like a dagger to my heart. How do I get thru this? Any help would be appreciated.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
