Just a quick summary . Been with W 20 yrs married 16 yrs. Met W at the church where I serve as an usher. W was previously married but we got that annulled. Married W at the church - 9 months later had a honeymoon souvenir- baby boy. At this moment my dreams were fulfilled. Did MC 4 years ago but fell back to old habits. BD after W visits with sister Oct 2017who is big on new age religion. S becomes mad at W because he feels she just quit and did not try. Intimacy and communication issues present but not beating no cheating no abuse. First tried the Love Dare from church recommendations- very little effect. Now actively focusing on me ,DB, 180. W is moving out 5-15 to rental apartment. Any help is appreciated.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
W is coming home this weekend and will be moving out mid week. Is it better for me to be here while she's moving out or is it better for me to leave and come back after? Should I even help her move large furniture? Thanks for the advice.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
My question to you and anyone who could help is- My wife knows of my strong faith. She also knows that I feel strongly opposed to her new found belief. She returns this weekend from this new age religion course on women's empowerment. She did not tell me where she was going but only said she was going away and will be returning on Sunday. From my curiosity and fear of an OM I did some snooping and found out this information> she is with her big sis and her big sis is a huge believer in this new age faith. My question is - do I ask her how her trip was? What did she do? ask to see pics? connect like we did in the past? Or do I sweep it under the carpet and just leave it be as if I'm not worried that she may have been with OM and did whatever? I don't want to look as if I am persuing. Thanks for the replies.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Yes, this is fine. However, DO NOT ask for details. See below.
Originally Posted By: LoneWlf
What did she do? ask to see pics?
NO. Let her share what she wants. This is pursuit. The above question is just polite, but wanting to see pics is pursuit. If she offers pics then view them. Otherwise when she says "It was good." and leave it at that, don't follow up.
Originally Posted By: LoneWlf
connect like we did in the past?
You are not connected like in the past so no, do not attempt to connect with her. Just ask how her trip was and validate. "Good to hear you had a good time.[/quote]
Originally Posted By: LoneWlf
Or do I sweep it under the carpet and just leave it be as if I'm not worried that she may have been with OM and did whatever?
I can tell from your wording of this you've already determined that anything short of confronting her on this trip is "sweeping it under the carpet".
So now let me ask you questions. Say she, under your questioning, admits she is into this NA religion and denounces Christianity. What are you going to do? You already said she knows how you feel about it, are you going to insist on telling her what she already knows? What if she comes clean that not only was her sis there but that an OM was there too? Does that change your desire to get your wife back? If the answer to that question is no, then why does it matter?
LW, I know all this is hard, and counter-intuitive, and just makes you miserable. Been there. What freed me from all of this is coming to the conclusion that I cannot control her! This is why detachment and validating anything she says is so important.
Also, another thing I and a lot of LBSs are looking for by questioning the WAS is reassurance. However, in my experience and reading lots of sitches here, almost never, in fact in 99.999999999% of the cases that the LBS is looking for reassurance by talking to or questioning the WAS they do not get it.
At best you will get a lot of IDKs. Most of the time they will be blunt. You see, the WAS has already realized that in order to get what they want they have to hurt you. So looking for reassurances from them is probably not going to happen. IF they do give you some minor reassurances it is probably in order to manipulate you to get something they want out of you. Thus the sandi rule: Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Further, looking for reassurances from your WAS shows you are still emotionally attached, and that you have to work to detach, lovingly. That means NOT initiating conversations. Be upbeat, present, responsive, but do not start conversations and BE the one to end them. "Thanks for chatting, but I have to go...." No reason why you have to go, remember mystery is a good thing!
So LW, when she returns, and you interact, let her start the conversation. Ask her if she had a good trip, and then validate what she says.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W is coming home this weekend and will be moving out mid week. Is it better for me to be here while she's moving out or is it better for me to leave and come back after? Should I even help her move large furniture? Thanks for the advice.
This is really a personal call. The "tough love" approach would call for just leaving her to move on her own, and leaving the house while she's there. Personally I think that can appear to a WAS like punishment though. When my ex moved out I asked her if she wanted help, and she said no so I didn't help her. Later she did ask for some help setting furniture up so I went over and helped out. This kind of stuff doesn't really help or hurt your sitch much (remember it's a marathon!) so don't worry too much about it.
Quote:
My question to you and anyone who could help is- My wife knows of my strong faith. She also knows that I feel strongly opposed to her new found belief. She returns this weekend from this new age religion course on women's empowerment. She did not tell me where she was going but only said she was going away and will be returning on Sunday. From my curiosity and fear of an OM I did some snooping and found out this information> she is with her big sis and her big sis is a huge believer in this new age faith. My question is - do I ask her how her trip was? What did she do? ask to see pics? connect like we did in the past? Or do I sweep it under the carpet and just leave it be as if I'm not worried that she may have been with OM and did whatever? I don't want to look as if I am persuing. Thanks for the replies.
OK, well hopefully you know this but don't challenge her on her beliefs. That will just drive her farther away. And try not to snoop, almost everyone that snoops eventually gets caught and it can really anger the WAS as it looks like control and manipulation. Snooping usually nets a bunch of confusing info that you can't sort out anyway.
But if you knew she was on a trip, like Steve said it's fine to ask a generic "how was your trip?" Don't ask for pics, don't ask for details, don't ask who she was with. If she opens up about it then listen and validate. Remember, validation is not "agreement" it is merely acknowledgement. So if she tells you it was a new age religious retreat then just nod and ask if she enjoyed it. If you disagree with the path she's pursuing then figure out how to bury that inside, if she senses disapproval from you that will not help your sitch.
Steve/RR you guys are blunt and to the point. Although its sometimes hard to hear the facts- Like it or not, it is what works. And me being a noob I have to look to you seasoned vets and appreciate that you guys are farther along than I am. Thank you for passing on your wisdom.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Steve/RR you guys are blunt and to the point. Although its sometimes hard to hear the facts- Like it or not, it is what works. And me being a noob I have to look to you seasoned vets and appreciate that you guys are farther along than I am. Thank you for passing on your wisdom.
Yeah, there is no point beating around the bush. Look, this stuff is one of the worst things you will ever go through, short of health issues. There is no way around it. Both times I've gone through it there were times I just wanted to close my eyes and never wake up. But we have to keep the big picture in mind, and never give up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My 2 cents is that the NA stuff is not the worst new interest for your W to have as at least there is a spiritual element to it, she is most likely just looking to find herself and experimenting with different belief systems. It could be so much worse she could be disavowing all religion and spirituality and drinking or doing drugs.
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Steve85 & Ste7e you both have valid points. My stance on religion is that my W met me in church. Persued me. Had her 1st marriage annulled for us to marry. Married me at church- then renewed our vows at 10 years. And recently I've noticed books on fortune telling, card readings, mediums, how to become a medium an channeling, healing rocks , numerology. Everything the church is against. I just feel so deceived -thinking I was marring a Godly woman who now is becoming a pagan. This is not what I signed up for.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
