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Jim1234 Offline OP
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the first time we could get together with the mediator is July 31st. I expect a divorce settlement then.

Other than that, nothing has happened. I did bump into her in the grocery store today; she was frazzled from picking her mom up at the airport. I basically said "Boy it sounds like it was rough," and then she had to shop.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Sorry Jim, I know you have been in limbo for long but the finality of it all hurts. How are you holding up?
Sometimes all the WAS reasons seem silly, I wish there was a metal stability test before anybody was granted a divorce - Arshi

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Jim, what happens after the divorce settlement? You mail the papers and wait for the divorce to come in the mail? I know in some states you don't need to go to court. I hope this comes and goes quickly. Aside from getting those papers signed, it sounds like nothing else will change. You and your wife will still interact probably just the same unless she has a sudden change of heart - did you read PsySara's update?

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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Arsh, I have ups and downs. Limbo [censored], but I keep reminding myself it's a marathon, not a sprint. At the same time, I'm trying to move forward in various ways. I've started dating someone, but wanting to R with W is definitively a complicating factor! As time goes, though, I desire R less and less, so I guess that's progress. I totally understand about your desire for a mental stability test!

Nicole, I'll read PsySara's update next. As to what happens after the settlement agreement, I don't really know. I think I will drop them off at the lawyers, have him schedule a date in front of the judge, and it's over. That may take a little while because I think the courts here are backed up. But I think you're right. Nothing will change.

Something unusual happened last week that I wanted to ask the group about.... S18 is no longer a dependant and I no longer have to pay child support for him. So an amended alimony/child support order showed up in the mail, showing my child support actually INCREASED by $4. I've been busy travelling, so I haven't talked to the lawyer, but isn't this backward?

Yesterday S18 stopped by and we had a talk. W hit a milestone birthday and is throwing herself a party. Her mom, cousin, and sister flew in for the party and to visit. Apparently her house is in turmoil because mom and cousin are disgusted by the state of her house, taking charge, and making W, S18 and D16 clean ("This place is disgusting! I can't believe you live like this!"). S18 is upset, because he's fairly clean, and getting the backlash of mom's and sister's slovenliness.

For those unfamiliar with my sitch, W has issues, one of which is not cleaning up after herself, and she won't really make the kids clean up after themselves, either. I travel extensively, and for years, killed myself cleaning up after everyone for the three days I was home, then I'd leave on a trip, come home to a house that looked like a bomb dropped on it, clean in a frenzy for three days, leave, and repeat. Finally, after years and years of this, I just gave up, and carved out a small clean niche for myself. When she would come to visit, MIL would see me not cleaning up, and blame me for the state of our house.

I like and have great respect for her mother, and value her good opinion of me. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

Anyway, my house is tidy and clean, her house is a shithole, and her mother is seeing how her daughter lives, without being able to blame me. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel a certain amount of satisfaction.


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Jim, Does your child support just become voluntary now so you'll continue to pay it informally? I always wonder how this works. I'm not in that situation myself but I guess you won't know if that letter was a mistake until you ask or get it cancelled.

That's great your mother-in-law sees how your wife lives on her own. I'm surprised your wife didn't clean more before her mom came. It's good that your MIL now knows it wasn't you! It's interesting how cleaning works in every family. That sounds tiring for you to do it after traveling. It's strange that you put up with it all those years and yet your wife is the one to leave you.

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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Nicole,

I'm trying not to feel too self-satisfied, but it's hard! I took MIL, sister in law, and cousin in law out for lunch today. I get along with all three and wanted to see them. Had an enjoyable time. Afterward, SIL wanted to see our house, since she never has, so I gave them the nickel tour. It was nice for them, and especially MIL, to see the contrast in how we live. SIL even asked if I had a maid, and was VERY impressed when I said no. (And W's been cleaning for three weeks in preparation for them coming. It just shows how very bad it was.)

BTW, I was doing all the cleaning because WAW's physical ailments prevented her from doing it (she was bedridden for much of 8 years), and when she became physically able, she was suicidally depressed and couldn't get it together then, either. So, I did what I had to do. My friends can't believe after all that, she was the one to leave, either.

As far as child support, I have no intention of paying any more than the court demands. I am not paying anything voluntarily. I am happy to care for my kids, but I'm not paying W any more than required. In my state, child support ends when the child turns 18 AND graduates from high school. I was expecting SOME reduction in child support, and was surprised when it increased. I'll take it up with my lawyer next week. I do know that in most cases in my state, when child support ends, alimony increases some because W would be entitled to some of my income that is no longer required to support my underage children, but that's not what happened here.


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It's been a while ,so I thought I'd post an update.

We had a mediation session this week, and agreed how we would split our assets. Like everything else we do, it was pretty amicable. The mediator will write it all up, and send us a settlement agreement. Assuming the mediator figures it all correctly, we just have to give it to our lawyers and have them file it with the court, and voila, we're done.

I can't say I'm upset. It was all very businesslike. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I still love her and want to R. But I keep reminding myself that she wasn't a very good wife, doesn't recognize that fact, isn't sorry about it, and has no desire to change that. It makes it a little easier.


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Jim, sounds like things are proceeding as expected. What ever happened to the child support issue?

It's interesting that you recognize your wife wasn't a very good wife. It is kind of amazing to hear that she was bedridden for so many years, depressed, didn't clean much, and now after separating she didn't respond to all of your positive changes, yet you'd still be open to reconciling. It's hard to imagine there are men who love their wife that much because I was a pretty good wife and my husband left me without hesitation. I still hope your wife comes to her senses someday. It is possible for someone to suddenly wake up or realize what they've done or how they've been. It could happen after they have a certain dream, or after another significant event in their life, or when they hit their lowest point. Anything could still happen but it seems you're coping fairly well given what a long marriage you had and how hard it must be to separate after everything you and your wife have been through together. I hope you're able to keep moving forward imagining what a good wife would be like and hopefully finding one someday!

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Nicole, I haven't talked to the lawyer about child support; I figured I'd just go in when the settlement agreement was done, and discuss it all at once.

I am not really trying to understand her anymore. Maybe that's a first step toward detachment. Having been through so much difficulty together does make it difficult; I'm sure you can relate. I'm trying to move forward, though. "Fake it 'till you make it!"


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Jim, I hope the settlement really settles everything.

I wonder how your wife will feel someday when you find a new wife? You sound like you've done a lot of reflection and would be an excellent husband. I wrote about how I think my husband would react if I was in a new relationship - I bet your wife will think twice about her actions someday when she sees you happy with someone else, but then it'll be too late for her.

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