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Originally Posted by Joseph9
You know Jim she might just be so unhappy with herself that she can't deal with the pressure of trying to hold and work on a marriage and all that comes with it. It just might be too much for her and the responsibilities that come with it with tending to your needs.

Think about it.


This sounds like my W as well, and I think you're right. Maybe not necessarily just unhappy with herself, but the pressure and work needed to fix the M. I just don't understand the thinking that working to save a M is harder than going through a D, starting over, living alone, etc, etc.


Married: 15yrs
Ages: Me 49, W 44
Kids: S12
BD: around 4/14

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If someone is that unhappy with themselves and they don't want any responsibility to tend to their husbands emotional and sexual needs then I could see it making sense. Throw kids in the mix and the pressure of being a full time parent could really be too much especially if the individual is selfish and really only cares about themselves.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Jim, just out of curiosity, what was the original reason your wife gave for wanting a divorce? I remember she put a lot of blame on you but you've changed and surely she's seen those changes. Perhaps someday she'll see that you truly changed and it'll inspire her to change as well. Too bad none of these spouses see these things within our time frames or the divorce time frame. Untreated depression can affect people in ways that we must not be able to understand as well. Sometimes I feel she wants you to rescue her and say "I'm not going to let you do this. I'm going to take care of you and get you well…." but how can anyone know if that's what she's thinking? It seems you're doing the right thing by letting the divorce go through but staying pleasant and approachable in case she wants to signal that she's having second thoughts.

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Well, I'm hoping the last year and a half apart may have given her a different perspective, and maybe she'll be open to seeing a counsellor together. If I'm being honest, she did work to save the marriage, for years. I think a large part of the problem was that I thought I was the greatest husband on the planet, so why should I change? So, we went to counselling, and I kept waiting for her to change. Eventually, she just didn't see the point, and gave up. Of course, it isn't that simple.... there were other factors like depression, but where I used to blame the divorce on depression, this board and time have helped me gain another perspective.

We are seeing the mediator, for I hope the final time today, to go over my financial proposal. If she accepts it, then I think we're done. I admit, I'm torn about whether to ask if she is willing to see a counsellor. I worry it's more pursuit, and that I'm not fully detached. If she declines, I'll be ok. The months have helped me realize she wasn't really a great wife, and I'm ok with moving on. I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't feel like I tried, all the way to the end, to prevent this.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
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We saw the mediator, and I think we have all the issues worked out, including the financial ones. Of course, the draft she provides translating our agreements into a legal document has to be right, but I'm optimistic that we're done.

At the end of our session, I told W much of what I said in my last post..... I thought I was the greatest husband, about waiting for her to change... and some other stuff. I told her I thought we should get divorced, and asked if we could leave all our baggage behind, and go to one last counseling session to see if we could work on a new improved relationship. I had it written down so I wouldn't screw it up, and afterward she didn't give me an answer, but did ask for the paper it was written on. I don't know what that means.

Anyway, right now I feel great! I've done everything I can to keep my honor and marriage intact. I've treated her fairly and respectfully throughout. And I've gained enough distance that if she doesn't want to give it one more try, I don't really care. And if she does, great, but I won't take her back unconditionally; she will have to commit, and work, to meet my needs, too.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
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Jim, I'm glad to hear your made it through the last session and feel good about doing everything you can do! It's really great that you found the ability to make the divorce process so collaborative and that you kept the door open for her to return. Have you heard from her regarding the counseling appointment? I hope you're doing well in the meantime. It's been helpful to see how divorce through a mediator works by the way.

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No Nicole, I haven't heard anything from WAW. I hadn't really expected to, and that's OK.

I can't say how disappointed I am in the mediator. What an ineffectual waste of time. I just got a letter from her saying basically, "sorry, I can't figure out your financial assets. Please figure it out and let me know what you decide." The very first mediation session I handed her a summary of our assets as of both the date of separation, and the current date. 6 sessions and $1500 later, she's asking for the exact same information all over again. AAAAAARGH. It doesn't really matter, though. I can put it all down on paper in about 2 minutes and get W to sign off on it and get this back on track, but the wasted time and money chafes.

In other news, I haven't made a secret of the fact that I'm dating, either on this board, or with W. I've been seeing one woman for a little while. We just got back from 2 days away, visiting the Air Force museum. If you're into aviation, it was awesome, but it was nice to get away, nice to spend some time with some company of the opposite sex, but at the end, I was glad to get home. Maybe just a little too much time together.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Just a quick update. Nothing much going on. We're still amicably trying to figure out the division of assets. I think the mediator is pretty worthless in this, and I suspect eventually we'll just sit down together in a library and figure it out on our own.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
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Jim, you and your wife must be very detail-oriented people. It seems you two have been working on this for so long. Too bad the mediator can't help. I guess they put in a certain number of hours and then decide that's all they can do. I hope you'll soon make progress. I'm curious to hear more about the woman you're dating. Is she also divorced? Did you ever tell her that you'd be open to taking your wife back if your wife changes her mind before the divorce is over? Is your new girlfriend someone who you'd be open to marrying someday?

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Originally Posted by Jim1234
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Honestly I think that's as much of an answer we're ever going to get- they are unhappy and they're not sure why, but they're hoping if they ditch us it'll get better.


Amen. I think this is exactly right. Of course that's not to say I couldn't have been better in some ways. It's a shame that I didn't embrace that until too late, though.


Absolutely, we all could have done better. But were we so terrible that it warranted BD rather than sitting down trying to resolve whatever issues the WAS had with us? If the posts here are any indication, the vast majority of LBS's that find themselves here on these forums are warm, caring, sensitive people. They are heartbroken at the loss of their spouse and would do just about anything to get them back. They are loyal, loving, caring people almost without exception, which is why they (we) come here in the first place. Does that sound like a crappy spouse? Hardly, it sounds like EXACTLY who I would want to be married to! I'm convinced BD and the aftermath has a lot more to do with the WAS and their own internal problems than it does the LBS.

Good luck getting the D worked out, sounds like you are handling it well!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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