Rose, I've thought a lot about what you said, and you're right, kicking her out of my house for this isn't the best way to go. But I think I am done trying to save her from the consequences of her actions. I haven't seen her since the incident, but I sent her a text saying I'm still very hurt and upset, but I love her very very much and miss her. She sent me a heart icon in response.
There's not been anything else going on in the last week. W and I were supposed to sit down with a mediator, but W was too sick, so we rescheduled for today, but she's still too sick. Who knows if we'll ever get together?
Friends have been on me to update my wardrobe, so I went out with two different female friends and played human Ken doll, and picked up a few new threads.
One of them happened to be talking to W, who knew about it, and said "I've been trying to get him to do that for years." I'm not even going to begin to speculate about what that means.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I had a conference at school with W and two of D16's teachers, and her guidance counselor. She will fail at least one of her required classes this year. We discussed allowing her to do extra credit work to get her grade up, but we all decided that it was best to let her fail (there are a lot of reasons that I haven't discussed here, but she has a history of people bending over backward to accommodate her; it's time she stops expecting that) and face the consequences. W was onboard.
I showed up at the meeting wearing some of my new clothes, and W at least noticed they were new. We talked about how sick she's been and how high her temperature was. I was sympathetic, but not overly so.
We have a session scheduled with a mediator tomorrow, so hopefully we can agree on the particulars of the separation, and get this done this week or next. I'm sure some issues will be contentious, but I think we agree on most things. Wish me luck.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
lol joejoe, I'm not sure what "smell good" is, but I suspect cologne. No, I don't really like it, so I don't wear it. If I did, it would have only been to get her to notice, and I don't really care.
Mediation went ok. Like I said, we're not all that far apart, and we spent most of the time going over the settlement proposal written by her lawyer, and all three of agreed it wasn't written well. I'm glad we are doing this with a mediator, at relatively low cost, versus us and our lawyers in one room. We basically rewrote the proposal ourselves, and it's going well. Just a few numbers we didn't have, well, really, a few numbers SHE didn't have. We're getting together again on Monday to hopefully finish.
The only times there was any tension was when we discussed how long alimony should last, her taking the position that the duration should start when she moved out, and me taking the position it should start when she filed. I suggested we table it until later, and we moved on. Also, there was some tension at the end when she suggested I continue to pay child support after S18 graduates High School in two weeks (because otherwise "how will W pay for half of his college??????" "Since you filed for divorce, that's not my problem.") But, we basically just tabled it and moved on.
Again, I wore new clothes; she didn't say anything, but I'm sure she noticed. Doesn't matter.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
We went to mediation again today, and looked over the draft divorce decree (I guess that's what it's called.) typed up by our mediator. We agreed on everything, but we still have to work out the money. W is still figuring out the dollar value of stock issued to her by her company, and we have to get current assessments on our houses, and then we can divide up the assets. That part shouldn't be difficult; I don't care which half I get as long as I get half.
But, I am just miserable. Seeing it in black and white crushed me. I was able to hold it together in the meeting, but I'm weeping at the keyboard, and am overwhelmed with sadness. I'm sure it will pass eventually, but right now I just want to curl up in a ball in a dark room.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, those papers symbolize so many things. You have a right to feel miserable. All those years you were committed to your wife and it came to this...why? I would be feeling the same way. This has been a long process for you with different trigger points and this is one of them. I can't write much now but will try to write more later.
Sorry Jim, it is tough. I can tell you I had the same experience as we went through the process. There is something about the finality of it all that stirred it up in me. It wasn't the BD feeling but just an overall rush of emotions. I was mentally exhausted.
Jim, very understandable for you to be upset but now you pick yourself up and know that there is a wonderful life just up the street for you. After you typed this up and read a few threads what are you going to do now? Go for a run, walk, listen to music.
GAL is part of what we do! time for you! Call a friend go out.
Divorce can open up some great stuff for you!
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
J9, you always seem to have it together, and it helps to know you dealt with the same things.
bhappy, I went for a long walk (beautiful day yesterday), sat outside on my patio and read my book, and when my kids came home, spent time with them. Today, though, I need to be more responsible... pay bills, do yard work, etc.
I couldn't sleep last night.... combination of jet lag, and going over my situation. I am weakening, thinking of asking her to reconsider before everything is finalized, even though I know it's a terrible idea. In my head, I went over how to tell her, admit my shortcomings as a husband, promise to open my mind to understand her needs and try to meet them, and ask her to do the same. This morning, I'm still miserable, but probably not going to bring it up to her because I suspect it wouldn't do anything.
I am struggling, though, with something. Communication is key to a good marriage, yet I probably shouldn't communicate the above thoughts. It seems counter intuitive.
I'm just rambling, I guess....
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Lean into the pain. Give yourself 24 hours to do it. Be miserable. Plan something fun for the next day and pick yourself up. Be proactive about your pain and you'll get through it.
yes, no point in communicating to the W and making a last stand. It's not going to go over well, you already know it.
