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Making her do all the work means, you don't do anything to make the D proceed. You don't file, let her. Don't sign the papers if you don't want to. IMO, there is no need to discuss the stipulations of D until she has filed. You should probably consult a lawyer either way, so you are aware of your rights and are ready to deal with D if she does decide to file. From reading a lot on this board, I've noticed it's very common for a WW to say they want a D, but do very little to actually make it happen. A lot of the time, they want the LBH to do all the heavy lifting. They're too busy living in their fantasy world to want to deal with something as serious and real as filing for D...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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Originally Posted By: STH17
"Make her do all the work" sounds like another thing I could screw up if I'm not careful. I don't think I should avoid negotiating finances, housing, and custody. Does "make her do all the work" mean impeding the progress of the divorce by taking a long time to sign papers or something like that? Making her do the financial discovery process on her own? If I do that am I just forcing her to get a lawyer, and thereby forcing myself to get one too? I'm meeting for a consultation with one today but I don't really want to litigate.


Do you want a D? If not then why would you willing participate in the D? mtb said it well. Let me put it to you this way, when it comes to the D don't do anything that is not required by law or court ordered.

And yes, consult a lawyer. Let him know what your stance is (not wanting D, not wanting to do anything to help with the D).

I know in our modern "me me me" society this scares people. "She's going to take me to the cleaners!" In reality, most divorce courts are pretty fair to both parties.

But make her do the work. If she needs a document don't supply it for her, make her get it. "We need last year's tax return for the D, can you send it to my lawyer?" "No, I can't, I am really busy, but you can get a copy from -tell her where-."

See, you didn't hinder it but you didn't do the work. If she is serious about it she will track the document down herself.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Quote:
"Make her do all the work" sounds like another thing I could screw up if I'm not careful. I don't think I should avoid negotiating finances, housing, and custody.


This would depend on the R between you and your W. My W and I hired a L to do all the paperwork but she did not represent either one of us. When my EW contacted me and told me she wanted to move forward with D we arranged a time to meet and we discussed everything from the kids, to the house, child support and our finances. It cost us about $800 to get divorced.

In the end I kept the house, we have 50/50 joint custody with the kids with no parent having any more or less rights than the other. All of our finances assets/liabilities were split in 1/2 50/50 and I am paying child support based on our wage difference. I live in a state where someone always pays child support unless their is not a wage discrepancy.

I have a buddy that is a judge and he advised me that the more you can agree on the better. There is no need to mediate on things you already agree on and if you can keep the A's out of it your better off.

Again every sitch is different and only you know what your comfortable with but don't think that you automatically have to L up. Get advice sure, make sure you are educated definitely but don't think you have to pony up.

Only you know your sitch.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Originally Posted By: STH17
Any more tips on talking to W about divorce? I've avoided that conversation for a long time, and now I've agreed to talk about it with her this weekend (no time set so I could show that I understand it is unavoidable by making more concrete plans with her).


If she wants to set a time then agree to it, but don't initiate that convo yourself. For every other situation listening and validating rules the day, but for D talks set that aside and PROTECT YOURSELF. Let her do ALL the talking. Don't agree to anything, whatever she throws out there, just tell her to draft up her proposal and you will review it. It is perfectly fine to remind her you don't want a D. Tell her you understand it's what she wants and you won't stand in the way of it, but it's NOT what you want. Don't do any of the D legwork for her.

Good move on talking to a L, you may want to discuss the financial situation with him and get his suggestions as far as how to address expenses during S. I'm thinking now is a good time to close joint accounts, but ask him about that.

Quote:
as well as me telling her I am no longer willing to cook meals for her and do any laundry that would benefit her or clean her bathroom (which our son also uses), essentially requiring her to take care of herself more. I think she appreciates those things, and she may see me withholding them now as punitive.


She wants a D. What's more punitive than that? Being her maid is not going to earn you any brownie points or bring her back, but standing up for yourself may get her attention and earn you some respect (even though she will probably complain about it).


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: doodler
STH17,

Your wife is cheating on you. First, take care of your financial stuff or she'll drain you dry.

As far as what to say is concerned; I'll tell you what I'd say, but I don't think many on this forum would agree. Here it goes...

"Get your sh*t and get the f*ck out of my house." And with that, the conversation is over.



As a former WW, I agree with you... Being kind and understanding with a spouse who is having an A is not the way to go... Of course, you can say it with some couth...

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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
My W and I hired a L to do all the paperwork but she did not represent either one of us. When my EW contacted me and told me she wanted to move forward with D we arranged a time to meet and we discussed everything from the kids, to the house, child support and our finances. It cost us about $800 to get divorced.


That's pretty much how we did it as well. My ex was actually surprised I was good with 50-50 custody, for some reason she thought I was going to try for full custody but BD aside she was always a great mom even after she left. We already had separate bank accounts so the financial split wasn't hard to figure out.

Quote:
In the end I kept the house, we have 50/50 joint custody with the kids with no parent having any more or less rights than the other.


Not sure about other states but in TX you have to designate one parent as "primary" even in a 50-50 split. I think this is mainly for the purpose of determining where the kids go to school. I kept the house so we agreed to designate me as primary.

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I have a buddy that is a judge and he advised me that the more you can agree on the better. There is no need to mediate on things you already agree on and if you can keep the A's out of it your better off.


Completely agree. My ex and I worked everything out, then in the 11th hour she decided I owed her another 7k or something like that. I asked her to sit down to explain where the number came from (she sent a rambling email that made no sense at all) and she got VERY angry and said "we'll just let the lawyers fight it out." Honestly the thought of a prolonged court battle started my anxiety attacks all over again, and I decided 7k wasn't worth more lost sleep, lost work and possible health issues. I just agreed to it and moved on, and I'm glad I did. Best 7k I ever threw away, LOL!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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AS - I am just down the road from you, on the other side of 35 smile I actually think I am the primary but we restricted the kids to the town we live in and the school district. If one of us moves then we essentially give up our rights.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Posts: 144
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Wow I really appreciate all these responses. I met for a consultation and am glad that I did. Put some of my fears at ease about what a divorce may cost me. The person I talked to sounded pretty confident that I would not even have to pay spousal maintenance. And she reminded me that kids are more important, and I should start my focus there. W may want to live in different state than me about 2 hours away, so that is something that may be difficult to agree on, as I don't want to be that far from my son. I shouldn't just agree to live where she wants to though without sticking up for myself. She says moving would make her happy, but just because she says that now doesn't mean that will last. And I can't let her turn that around on me to say I don't care about her happiness if I don't want to move. Truth is I do care about her happiness, but I can't put hers above mine when she is asking for a divorce. I think that needs to be my mantra as I try to detach.


Me:30 W:31
S:4
M:7 T:12
PA: 5/6/18 - ?
W moved out 7/18
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Originally Posted By: artista
Originally Posted By: doodler
STH17,

Your wife is cheating on you. First, take care of your financial stuff or she'll drain you dry.

As far as what to say is concerned; I'll tell you what I'd say, but I don't think many on this forum would agree. Here it goes...

"Get your sh*t and get the f*ck out of my house." And with that, the conversation is over.



As a former WW, I agree with you... Being kind and understanding with a spouse who is having an A is not the way to go... Of course, you can say it with some couth...


I'm all about couth, so I'm providing the cleaned-up Pulp Fiction version below:

"Pretty please with sugar on top, get your sh*t and get the f*ck out of my house."

Much better. smile

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Told W I didn't want a divorce, she would have to file herself, I couldn't stop her, etc. Now she is saying I am abusing her by holding her hostage in our marriage, by not streamlining the divorce with her. That what I should have told her was there was no way I could expect her to give me another chance. If I don't speak my thoughts to her, she thinks I'm abusing her by withdrawing. If I speak my thoughts and they aren't what she wants to hear, she gets just as hurt and angry. I tried to tell her that as strongly as she wanted a divorce, I did not. That she could choose to file, but I am allowed to make my own choice. She just doesn't understand that and thinks I am being stubborn and controlling. And me being calm gets me accused of being emotionless and robotic.


Me:30 W:31
S:4
M:7 T:12
PA: 5/6/18 - ?
W moved out 7/18
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