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#2789033 05/09/18 03:50 AM
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Not an encouraging way to start here with a disappearing post frown. I cant retype it all so I will try a shorter version.

My wife has been unhappy and wanting a divorce for at least a couple years now. Besides just unhappy with marriage she has been depressed, especially after the birth of our son. I responded badly to her depression, wishing she would just not be depressed. I did not understand what she was going through, and I was not a safe person for her to share herself with. When she did try to share, I reacted with anger and defensiveness instead of compassion and understanding. I did not validate her feelings, and did not even know what that meant until I was shown by example from our marriage counselor we saw for a couple months at the end of 2017. We went on a Retrouvaille retreat in March of 2017, and that almost saved our marriage but my wife had wounds that were too deep and I did not yet understand the depths of those wounds or what the real problems in our marriage were.

So now she has found someone else I think she feels safe with, and I am in a very dark place thinking I have done irreparable harm to my wife and our marriage. I have not confronted her about the affair, and do not think I can because she will only see my snooping as another reason not to trust me. I read a message on her phone two weeks ago that flared up my anxiety about the possibility of her having an affair. I never even thought an affair could be a possibility before reading that message though, even as broken as our marriage was. And now I am having a difficult time stopping myself from snooping more. The pain I am experiencing now I realize is what my wife felt when she was in depression. I did not understand her feelings then, and now that I am feeling the same inability to sleep, eat, or function at all in daily life, I do not know how I ever could have understood how bad this feels without feeling it myself.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/18 01:56 AM. Reason: disappeared post
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Have you read the disappearing posts thread?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2785770#Post2785770

How are you typing your words into the reply box?
What kind of device are you using?

I suggest trying to use a laptop or desktop computer and typing the words into the reply box


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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Quote:
Not an encouraging way to start here with a disappearing post frown. I cant retype it all so I will try a shorter version.

My wife has been unhappy and wanting a divorce for at least a couple years now. Besides just unhappy with marriage she has been depressed, especially after the birth of our son. I responded badly to her depression, wishing she would just not be depressed. I did not understand what she was going through, and I was not a safe person for her to share herself with. When she did try to share, I reacted with anger and defensiveness instead of compassion and understanding. I did not validate her feelings, and did not even know what that meant until I was shown by example from our marriage counselor we saw for a couple months at the end of 2017. We went on a Retrouvaille retreat in March of 2017, and that almost saved our marriage but my wife had wounds that were too deep and I did not yet understand the depths of those wounds or what the real problems in our marriage were.

So now she has found someone else I think she feels safe with, and I am in a very dark place thinking I have done irreparable harm to my wife and our marriage. I have not confronted her about the affair, and do not think I can because she will only see my snooping as another reason not to trust me. I read a message on her phone two weeks ago that flared up my anxiety about the possibility of her having an affair. I never even thought an affair could be a possibility before reading that message though, even as broken as our marriage was. And now I am having a difficult time stopping myself from snooping more. The pain I am experiencing now I realize is what my wife felt when she was in depression. I did not understand her feelings then, and now that I am feeling the same inability to sleep, eat, or function at all in daily life, I do not know how I ever could have understood how bad this feels without feeling it myself.


Put in first post that disappeared

Keep Posting - Cadet

Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/18 01:57 AM.

Me:30 W:31
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M:7 T:12
PA: 5/6/18 - ?
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Sorry man. I know it is tough. You've already been through a lot with your MR, so you need to pull up your pants and get to work. Assuming you still want to save it. Read all of cadet's links and then start listening to the fine folks here that can help you.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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I picked up the DR book on Monday but haven't read much yet. Having just discovered the affair has put me in survival mode. I've been browsing the forums here for two or three months, and had even been trying to reduce my time doing that because I thought it was distracting me from taking the actions I needed to be taking. Actually having joined could be good for me though I think. This week I'm trying to take care of myself. I am noticing myself being triggered throughout the day about my wife's affair, and I want to not think about it so much but it is consuming me. I felt better yesterday while writing the post that disappeared, but it took a couple hours out of my morning when I should have been working at my job. I work TWTH mornings at a job I've been at for 7 years, and the rest of the week's work hours I am supposed to be working on my master's thesis project. Making progress on that project has been difficult since my life has been in upheaval throughout grad school and now is crumbling even faster.

I read the first chapter of DB online but don't need to be told any more reasons to try to save my marriage, which is what that chapter seems to be mostly about. I know my marriage has had problems from the start, and it's taken me a year just to start believing that just because there were always problems doesn't mean our marriage can't be better. My wife has been hurting for a long time in our relationship and doesn't see that possibility, probably just thinks I am hanging on and not letting her go. I am hanging on for dear life, but I know I cannot stop her from leaving. I often wonder why she hasn't just done it already, but with the affair I see she pretty much has. And now I'm thinking about the A again, which I'd rather not. I'm going to log off and get back to my job.


Me:30 W:31
S:4
M:7 T:12
PA: 5/6/18 - ?
W moved out 7/18
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 144
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Just discovered my wife removed our relationship status from Facebook. I'm still "married" on it but it doesn't say to her. And hers says no relationship status to display. It hurts as much as her taking her wedding rings off (which was over a year ago). Why is it such a shock to me? It hurts so much.. I have been calling my therapist all week and she keeps advising me to not snoop or look for evidence of the affair. I just keep walking myself into being triggered like this though. I was looking at her profile because I was going to try to investigate who her AP could be by cross referencing her friends and followers with people interested the same events as her. She is going to a fashion show tomorrow which she said she was going to go to by herself, but I am convinced she is going with AP. She spent $150 on new shoes this week, saying she was getting shoes to wear to the show. She bought three pairs. I feel like she is bleeding me dry in any way possible. I used to think her spending was just because of her depression and anger at me and the way I used to question the necessity of almost all her purchases. She has spent over $2000 a month on herself the past three months, and I have kept my mouth shut about it to keep the peace and not push her away with another discussion about money that I didn't expect her to be able to have without being triggered herself. All that money she spent on herself came from student loans. My income only covers basic necessities right now. I've been wanting to have a conversation about fair use of our finances for a while now, but with the A discovery what good would that do?

Tonight I am planning on going rock climbing, something I started in Feb. as a way to get exercise, socialize (which I've never done before), give my wife space, and distract myself from my marriage problems for a couple hours by being around people who don't think I have or am trying to ruin their lives. I am afraid that leaving her alone at the house with our son, she will spend more time either talking/sexting (I have no proof of sexting, but I'm not that naive) or invite him over (for sex) while I'm gone. I'm obsessing about the sex part of the A. I'm obsessing about the A. That's what my therapist keeps trying to tell me not to do. Specifically not to snoop or investigate, because it is making it worse for myself. Whenever I start feeling better though is when I think I can handle a little investigation, then I regret it! I know I can't control my wife but this is all $hit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I know I shouldn't try to come home early from climbing or anything.

As so many have wondered: WHAT DO I DO!?
I don't know how I can do any of the work to save my marriage when I can't get this affair out of my head and can't stop reacting emotionally (maybe not in front of my wife, but still devastating every other part of my life and health) with every new sign of infidelity and rejection I encounter. I am so close to quitting and filing divorce myself. I know I need to stop investigating. Which means I need to just let her have her affair, let her screw whoever she wants for as long as she wants. How can I possibly work on building connection with her at the same time? She has told me repeatedly that she has only not left yet because she has a teaching job that doesn't end til the end of the month, and our son is also in preschool until the end of the month. We have no plans for school for him next year because we don't know where we will be living. I only have until July to finish my thesis, which I haven't started writing because I've been busy tending to my broken marriage. AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! :(:(:(


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You're right, your first goal so be to stop reacting emotionally. It is very difficult. One thing I have seen a lot of marriage saving experts suggest is to suspend your facebook and other social media accounts. No good for much except following your W's every move on social media can come from them.

Anyway, some things to think about. As far as getting the affair out of your mind, it is tough. The best thing to do is to fill your time with as much brain engaging activities as possible. Brainless activities like driving, watching TV, etc will drive you nuts. If you can work a lot of hours, do it. I found that while I was engaged at work I could get it off of my mind.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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The first thing I would do if I were you would be telling W to stop with the frivolous spending. Don't worry about hurting her feelings. She's cheating on you. Do you think she took your feelings into consideration when she started the A?...

Then pay no attention to her. Don't ask her questions about what she's doing. Don't follow her around the house. Take your son out to do things without her (go to the park, movies, zoo)...

And continue to GAL. It will help keep this all off your mind. Sounds like you got a good start with the rock climbing. Keep it up. Don't worry what she thinks about it. It's only for you...

I'm no expert, but these are a few things to start with.


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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