Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

Day #9 cont.
Man oh man what I wouldn't give to had a completely good day.
Whatever steam I had rolling this morning petered out around midday. It seems to be about the same time each day I just get overwhelmed with grief.
I went for drive and was just absolutely fighting the urge to contact W. I kept thinking about how since W left for the most part over the last 3 months I have had very little contact except for the week the cat got sick and died. And I feel that the more time we spent together the better things got whereas the more I was away the more she moved and pulled away. I guess I am just so confused on what I am doing, and fearful that I might be doing the wrong thing with NC. But at the same time I am using the NC as a buffer to both try and get myself together and also avoid contact which will be about pushing through the D. Last time we talked W wanted that to happen by the end of the month.

I really broke down tonight cleaning out my old clothes there was a tshirt I bought with W several years ago which I wore alot and thought I should donate it with a bunch of other old clothes which would remind W of OR. But I just couldn't do it and the wave of grief hit me so hard.

[LH19]

S,

Early on is the toughest part but it will get easier. Continue no contact and give her space. She has to choose to be with you that is the only way it works out long term.

Remember even if you do D that doesn't mean the story is over.

[Ste7e]

Yeah I was reading a couple threads here yesterday that had me realize that this is far from the end of the story
Two things I am curious about right now
First have people had the experience of the W who completely moves everything out move back in
Second am I dealing with a WAW or a WW

[LH19]

Yes it happens all the time.

Most likely a WW. Nothing really changes except if you know she is in an affair you do some things differently.

[Ste7e]

no known affair
I have read all of Sandis stuff and sort of know how to deal with an A
Which isnt a deal breaker for me btw
Just dont know how to adapt dealing with WW with no A

[LH19]

Give her space. When you interact listen and validate.

Thats it.

[Ste7e]

Gotha so the big difference is to validate vs not validating if they are having an A
LH thanks for your help I am reading up on your thread now too

[Ste7e]

Day #10 well thanks to all of you I made it through yesterday without breaking or reaching out to W.
I woke up in a bit of a funk but it soon lifted, I went to see my shrink and did not talk about W but talked about my previous disasterous relationship which was really helpful to see some of the root problems I was carrying over on my part in the MR. In addition I was able to unpack that I had gone through some serious trauma before meeting my W. Starting to see some emotional 180s I need to make.

Went to see my tailor and she almost had a heart attack she was talking to me for about a minutes before she recognized me she about fell over! She said I looked amazing and was half my size. She asked how W was and I told her we were separated and she was really sad as she helped us with all our wedding attire and we would go see her monthly to get stuff we thrifted hemmed and such. She said that she just couldn't understand it as we are so perfect for one another and that no matter what I shouldn't give up and that I was looking so good how could I lose. She said she would be praying for me which I honestly believed.
The sentiment was really nice and her not recognizing me made me feel like a million dollars!

[Ste7e]

Ok stupid question here
How long of being dark before I should expect to hear from WW in a temp check way
I know it has only been 11 days and she did text a couple days ago about a logistic
But I am wondering what I should expect and how long do I stay buried and dark

[Accuray]

How long of being dark before I should expect to hear from WW in a temp check way

There's no good answer to that unfortunately. If you were pursuing like crazy for a long time, then WW will be afraid you'll instantly start pursuing again the moment she reaches out to you, so in that context it could take quite a while for her to believe you're safe to reach out to.

If there's an active affair, reaching out to you might trigger feelings of guilt she wants to avoid, so she may not reach out to you until her affair is over and she's feeling lonely.

Point is, its all in her head and there's no way to predict that. Best way to look at it is that "a watched pot never boils", so if you don't expect her to reach out you won't be disappointed if she doesn't.

Acc