Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

HA! I just went to feed the cats (I do not have dogs fyi) and W doubled their food and water bowls when she was here yesterday so in essence they have about 4 days of food and water. Which makes the 8 am text about needing to come by to feed them today total BS

[LH19]

I said that I felt like I crippled by fear to do anything in my life and she agreed that was my main problem.

First the bad. These fuching statements have to stop. A woman looks to a man to be a leader. She wants a man who has a mission and a purpose who is ready to break down barriers. She also wants a man she knows that will have her back and take care of her. If I am reading this right you are out of work? Big turn off man if you can not provide for her.

The good. You seem to be heading in the right directions. Losing 35 pounds is awesome you should be proud. Playing in a band is great too.

Just know this is going to take a long time to sort out and slow and steady wins the race.

First goal is to obtain employment.

[Ste7e]

Yeah after that talk I realized I had to go NC to get my balls back. The out of work thing has been a real issue I had a MLC about my career path and I got a large inheritance when my stepdad died and I was so depressed dealing with that I quit my soul crushing job but never got something new which added to my MLC and depression.

[Ste7e]

I guess I should go into more details about financial entaglements to shed some light on the situation.

I was in education and I burned out on it big time after moving into an admin position. I was being over worked and the school I was at was imploding. I really poured myself into the job to save the school but it burned me out. At the same time I found out two family members had cancer and I had to help take care. I quit the school job and made money selling collectibles on ebay which was something I did before getting the admin position. It was my default fall back job but the depression really took ahold of me and I was burned out on that also. My W and I got married at this time.
I tried to work on a graphic novel which my wife was very enthusiatic about and she said she would pay for rent, bills and groceries. I was very much against this as I didn't want to have that dynamic in our relationship but after a year I took her up on it as she said it was sexist of me not to view her as the breadwinner. She has a very good very well paying job where she was making twice what I ever was. This is actually a big issue in that she works in tech and works downtown in a very hip culture which I just have no access to with my skills. I ended up getting burned out on the graphic novel as it was too time intensive and started a book instead which I have been working on for 2 years.

Her work really ramped up and she was working 12 hour days 5-6 days a week for the last year from the house half the time where I also was trying to work and we butted heads abit about the space. In addition it felt like she was so obsessed with work that I was an obstacle in her way. She really changed in the job. She was offered a different job which was way better but payed less and I said it was ok because I could support us on the inheritance money until it picked up. She ended up turning down the job because "her team needs her" ironically when we met last tues she said that her position had been terminated and she was going to work at the better job in the end.

SHe has also said that after she had moved out that she had time to think and read and work on her own book and that being at the house and or around me she felt trapped and couldn't get anything done. She is also a codependent and she said she was spending all her time trying to fill the void in me. I said I never asked her to. I guess also worth mentioning that I am 10 years sober and she drinks.

I feel a bit taken advantage of in her career rise as I was there emotionally for the first 5 years of it before my MLC set in, I got her to leave the crappy town we were from where she had no options and my family put the down payment on our house which we pay very little for in a very expensive rental market.

Everything went south just after our 2nd wedding anniversary where she said I was fat and not sexually attracted to me which really hurt my already bruised self confidence from the MLC. We started arguing which we had never done before and she took several trips without me. I also have a terrible fear of flying which had been a big issue. My Step brother was then killed in a Motorcycle wreck and right after the funeral she said I can't do this anymore and was moved out by the end of the month. etc etc..

I guess what I am saying is that any job I get which isn't in education (which I will not do again!) is going to be so lowly in comparison to what she does that it won't matter and I am better served completing the creative projects which in her eyes I could never finish. And that is where my focus is.

While I am ranting I need to say that my W is a very emotionally cold person and was completely unsympathetic to all the deaths I endured over the last year. I was told you just have to accept it and she even would make jokes about the dead a week after their passing. She has a self proclaimed black heart and it was something I could live with but when I needed real support she wasn't there. I can see how I failed in many many ways but as a friend of mine has said that's not stuff you get a D over. SHe has said "I should have never gotten married" and that "I just wanted someone to want me like that but wasn't prepared for the long haul" is this just all script?
She also started seeing a shrink right before BD and I am 99% sure she is being coached by her BFF in this separation. The BFF is a nice and smart person but also not a person I would ever look to for advice about anything.

All in all this just feels insurmountable and I guess it was toxic at times. But also more good than bad which is why I am so let down. I really think it can be fixed and be new I am no longer depressed my GAL and 180s are seriously changing my life and despite my best efforts I don't see how this can turn around.

[Davide]

Wow Ste7e, I am also in education! I'm still in it, but I know the burnout oh too well.

The lack of empathy from your wife during the tough time you endured with the passing of so many people close to you is striking. Was she always like that or do you think she had already begun to close off and detach from you? If that is her general personality I would think long and hard about whether that is the type of person you want to be in a long term R with.

I also got the "I wish I had never married" I think that is part of the script.

I don't think you can focus on turning the R around right now. Focus on turning yourself around. Work on the job front - I have to imagine that would help your self-esteem and GAL efforts a ton. If you get yourself in a good place you will be ready for a healthier relationship, with the W or with anyone else.

[Ste7e]

Yeah she has always been like that I always took it as a defense mechanism as she used to be a pretty big crier over the funniest things before she switched birth control about two years ago and the crying and her sex drive both tapered off right after

[Ste7e]

Day #9
Woke up very early today with a serious DGAF attitude.
Which is a good thing I am slowly regaining my manhood.
By posting a bunch here yesterday I could see my NGS tendencies whether that came across in my posts or not.
NGS is just me being lazy its comfortable and women eventually don't respect it.
I think I really played up the NGS because I was such a bad person when I was drinking 10 years ago that I wanted to change that but I went to far with it and became a doormat and when I was tired of being a doormat with no knowledge how to detach with love I became just straight up confrontational. It is hard for me to stay in the middle I am an extremes person which I really need to get over.
Also writing about my WAWs shortcomings helped to break something loose in my brain that maybe I wasn't that satisfied in the MR either and was just sweeping things under the rug or flat out ignoring them which began to fester and make me frustrated.

So what I am saying is that today is the first day I felt that I will be OK without WAW. Do I still want her back yeah sure but I don't need her back.

Just noticed that I had to go back and change every statement I made in this post because I led them all off with "I guess I" and that kind of indirect nonsense needs to go bye bye.

[Ste7e]

Just read this by 44tries in another thread

"The WAW is leaving the marriage for reasons surrounding the LBH--maybe he's an alcoholic, an abuser, has a gambling or sex addiction, etc. Could be all kinds of things, but it is a MAJOR problem(s) that would cause someone to be driven out of a MR with him.

The WW is leaving the marriage for reasons surrounding herself. She is looking for greener pastures because she has a selfish heart filled with disrespect, resentment, rebellion, etc. Yes, the degree can vary, but it is all about her."

What I am confused about is that initially my W was a WAW with a laundry list of complaints about me then she became a WW and made it all about her.

Which am I dealing with and doe sit even matter as far as my response?

[OrangeK]

The WW is leaving the marriage for reasons surrounding herself. She is looking for greener pastures because she has a selfish heart filled with disrespect, resentment, rebellion, etc. Yes, the degree can vary, but it is all about her."

Aint this the truth.

[Davide]

Ste7e,

You know your situation better than anyone, but I think that despite the complaints about you this is really about her. It is almost always easier to blame someone else rather than yourself, and that is where your W went first. It sure sounds like she needs to resolve her issues.

This thread is great for me in terms of clarifying the terms. I thought one had to do with an affair or something like that. My W has told me from the moment this started that it was about her. So she is definitely a WW. (Thats not to say that I dont have my own issues to work through - I do. We all do.)