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Originally Posted By: Ste7e
W did text me first thing this morning to see if I had made it home from out of town and if she needed to feed the pets
I did respond immediately by saying I was home and left it at that
I am a bit flustered I broke NC as I feel even an exchange this trivial sets me back
I would love some feedback from more experienced DB on NC and going dark


No, that isn't a setback. A setback would be her showing up to feed the pets with you still there. Remember, NC doesn't include logistics when it comes to kids (and many people view their pets as kids).


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Quote:
W did text me first thing this morning to see if I had made it home from out of town and if she needed to feed the pets. I did respond immediately by saying I was home and left it at that


If she asks you a question it is ok to respond. If it was just informational in nature then there is no need. Responding with one word answers is recommended. You may also start to practice not responding immediately.

Quote:
I am a bit flustered I broke NC as I feel even an exchange this trivial sets me back


No, its not a setback. You didn't break NC she contacted you.

Quote:
I would love some feedback from more experienced DB on NC and going dark


If you don't have any kids then it sounds like your only correspondence would be over your dogs and financial questions as it sounds like your dogs are your kids.

If that is the case then just communicate with about those two things but keep it brief, don't look for excuses to contact and generally she should be the one to initiate. My EW still initiates about 90% of our conversations.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Ste7e Offline OP
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Well I am only just past lunch today and I am feeling extremely hopeless. I feel like her getting the rest of her stuff really is a nail in the coffin. She has gotten a storage locker to store it all and her parents helped her move it which means that she has informed them of what is going on. I just don't see how this can turn around. How many on here have a WAW completely move out and end up moving back in to the OR house later? I feel like the house is tainted now for her.


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
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I am also really confused about the feedback I get on here. I am trying to do whatever it takes to save my M but it seems like everyone is saying just let it go and forget about it. Which I read as it in not going to happen buddy, which is not very encouraging.
I also can't help but think that NC is a bad idea we have barely been in contact this whole time and she keeps moving further and further away. Because I am not dealing with a WW has my actions been the wrong approach I guess I just don't understand the rationale of letting go to and letting the WAW work through all the moves to D. Is she supposed to have some sort of revelation and change her mind. I just don;t see it happening. Ugh I am just hurting so bad today need some hope to keep fighting the good fight.


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
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Man I should just copy and paste this on every thread. It's called the illusion of action. You feel you have to do something to prove your love to her. The problem is it is too late for that at this time.

Time plus distance plus you kicking the $hit out of life with strong actions is the only thing that will turn this around.

Think of your W as a cat. What happens when you chase after a cat? It runs. A cat will approach you when it feels safe. That is when you let her go then she will become curious again.

The question is can you let her go?

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Ste7e,

Your focus needs to be on you. This a journey she needs to go alone. It does not make it any easier but if your don't detach it will take you alot longer to heal. You can only control you. Be the best you so that at the end of this bad dream you still win with or without your S. Chin up , stay positive and work on you. I am in a similar situation WAW is packing this week and moving out. It is killing me insdie- but I will never show that to her. Blessings on your journey- stay well.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Ste7e,

I feel your pain man. I do. I empathize with you so much since we have such similar situations. I want nothing more in this world than to reconciliate with my wife as well. It broke my heart when she told me in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't be there when I move back in, in August, and that she didn't want to be married anymore. It is a brutal kind of pain.

But neither of us can control our wives. Neither of us can make them love us again or make them want to reconcile. Only they can do that. The only thing we can do is take care of ourselves, work through our own issues, be the lighthouse and be in a better position for a future relationship with our W's or anyone else. I also feel like by not reaching out to my W, I am letting the relationship slip away a day at a time. But the truth is, our W's are already gone (emotionally if not yet physically). Holding on tight is not going to bring them back - we already tried that.

Hang in there. Keep posting here. You can do this.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Ste7e Offline OP
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Thanks for the encouragement I am just in a real time breakdown ugh.
Yeah I accept the need for logistic contact and need to learn to take longer to respond.
Wish I was as calm and collected as you Davide I come and go out of it. I have yet to have a single good day but I have had a number of half days so that's worth something. But half days aren't a lighthouse, I guess I question being a lighthouse as my WAW is so calm collected and robotic about this whole thing that how can I be a lighthouse when she doesn't need it? She has a "process" that she is doing in relation to all of this.
After reading the detachment thread and some MLC threads I had a shocking realization that she might be doing all these things to me. But somewhere along the way she just stopped caring about wanting to be with me in the end.

LH19 you nailed it on the head and was something I needed to hear. When you say let her go do you mean if she comes back around or right now? Also what do you mean by strong actions?

Also can anyone talk to me more about the pros and cons of going Dark and NC


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
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I mean let her go right now. Let her know that you don't agree that a D is the answer but if that is what she wants you will give it to her.

Strong actions are moving on your life and kicking a$$. Have a mission, have a purpose set goals and start knocking them off one by one. Work out, eat healthy, learn to play piano or guitar. Surround yourself with positive people who value your time and your presence.

NC and going Dark helps you with your emotional health. Plus it sends the message to your W that if you don't treat me right you receive the gift of missing me.

Time plus space along with strong actions will get her wondering. Why is Ste7 not pursing me anymore? Is he dating someone? Wow it sounds like he is doing really well. Maybe he wasnt so bad after all.

Do you have it in you? Most here dont this early on.

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OK let me work through your list LH19 and thanks for getting involved in helping me.
1.) We met two weeks ago on Tues had a great time and dinner together. But upon coming home she doubled down on wanting to get a D. My response was I hear you and "I do not want to get a D and ILY but if this is what you need to do because ILY and want you to be happy I won't stand in your way" I validated and listened but made a few misteps about mentioning the future and past but quickly pulled out of those directions when I caught myself. I also made the mistake of saying that it looks like you are running from your problems but apologized after saying that. I ended the conversation by saying that I was proud of her for doing the work on herself, which she took favorably. But sort of put my foot in my mouth immediately afterwards by saying "selfishly if we were worth anything as a couple in the future the work needs to be done" which underminded my original sentiment.
I in total weakness the next day called her and expressed that I was just so confused and that I was scared of losing her in my life. She said I would not but that we she couldn't be in a "romantic relationship with me" and we talked a bit about the emotional work we were doing as individuals and she said that she needs to be equals in a relationship. I said that I felt like I crippled by fear to do anything in my life and she agreed that was my main problem.
I saw her again that Sun as she came over to sort through stuff she was moving out and I was extremely detached and told her I had to leave soon after she arrived.
I went NC from that moment on until the text this morning saying that I was home. I have to note that my not responding the day before got an 8am text first thing when she got up so maybe she was thinking about where I was?

2.) So in regard to strong actions I am on track. I started seeing a shrink.I have completely changed my diet and I work out and go to Yoga daily I have lost 35 lbs so far and am piecing together a new wardrobe mostly because not of my clothes fit anymore! I cut off my long hair and look great. I have been going to codependency 12 step meetings and have been surrounding myself with friends. I am already a musician and I have been working on projects and getting a new band together. I played live for the first time in 3 years a couple weeks ago. I am a writer too and have been working like crazy on my book everyday with an actual deadline to finish by July 1st. I started making art again to and dedicate an hour a day to it (which I know WAW would be proud of as it was something she always encouraged me to do). I also have been researching classes for Film and went on two job interviews last week and have been on the job hunt. She just doesn't seem to notice or care about any of these things?

3.) I totally see how NC helps me with my emotional state as shown by even such a simple text this morning sent me spiraling.
I have to be honest that I hope she does receive the gift of missing me. But I am being mindful of my actions and intent to be non controlling but acting first and foremost for myself and my own emotional state.

4.) To your final question do I have it in me. The answer is yes. I keep saying I will do whatever it takes (including dealing with an A if that becomes an issue). It's just sometimes I get in the monkey house and feel so much loss I am climbing the walls. I need to learn to quickly redirect my feelings into progressive actions when I feel this way...thus far posting on here has been my response which does help immeasurablly


M 40 W 34
Together 7 Married 2
No Kids
BD 1/18 need space
Moved out 2/18
ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18
W filed for D 6/18
D final 10/18
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