Afraid of the dark

[Davide]

Stay strong Ste7e!

Keep working on GAL and detachment. Enjoying the present moment is paramount. Thoughts to the future are always going to provoke anxiety. Find those good moments and savor them.

Stop focusing on her thoughts and reactions. You can't control them and thinking about them only prevents you from detaching. I have a mantra I repeat to myself to snap me out of thoughts like that. Find your own way to nip those thoughts in the bud before they become obsessive (and I know how obsessive they can become!)

[Ste7e]

Ok need some advice so WAW called today and didnt leave a message then texted two hours later to say that she was packing stuff to donate and see if I wanted to go through it I assume I do not respond or do I wait and respond

[Davide]

I mean, is this something you have to take care of or is she just looking to engage in you conversation? There are certain things around the house that my wife needs to talk to me about and I will certainly respond to her about them. But if she is just fishing, then let it go. Only you know enough about the details of your situation to tell the difference.

[Ste7e]

OK been thinking about your question about is it something I need to engage in...I decided that this is not something I need to engage in and something which I do not care about. Let her figure out what to donate etc.
I guess upon going dark I did not think about how I would respond when WAW reached out to me?
It has also questioned why I am going dark...
What I have come to is that I can not focus on myself if I am focusing on interactions with WAW and it has been my experience so far that when we interact she just slam dunks me at the end and sets me back to square one.
I am done with that I am making progress on my own finding a sliver of serenity and piecing my own life back together.
I also have read all of Sandi's threads and even though I am dealing with a WAW truth be told she acts like a WW.
I also came to realize that despite her desire to remain friends this is just something I do not want. And I guess I am resigned to hold out until she either has a change of heart or files for D and it is all finalized. From what I read by Sandi the only chance I have now is to not friend zone myself and grow a pair. Is this something I need to convey to WAW? Not holding on and not responding is a 180 for me. I do not depend on her for my happiness and if anything currently she is an impedence to said happiness (maybe how I relate to her with NGS has been an impedence for years?). I have also read the Pursuer/distancer thread and man oh man are those description spot on. Thus I will stop pursuing all together.

I came home from out of town tonight and she had moved out the remainder of her stuff but left just the box of our wedding invitations...I took it as very passive aggressive and it really hurt. I Love her dearly still and believe if she were willing to also try we could stand a real chance... but where is my self respect in this when she is just constantly hurting me. Thus I am dark and not responding. Please any advice is very greatly needed now on how I proceed.

[Davide]

Can I ask a dumb question, what is the difference between a WAW and a WW? I know one is walk away wife and the other is wayward wife, but I'm still not 100% clear on what the difference is.

You definitely need to work on the detachment part. (so do I!) For as much as you GAL and don't pursue and do 180s it is clear that she still has an emotional hold over you. You are giving her that power to upset you, you can take it back. In my mind that is what detaching is all about.

I think you are right not to respond if you really don't need to. Do you feel like you need to go full NC in order to get enough distance to detach? If you do, then I think you need to do it. For me personally, the physical separation and distance helps, but I know that I need to interact with my W about certain things (our dog, moving back in, finances) and for me the key is just keeping the emotion out of it. I feel fortunate because I don't think my W is manipulative or angry or bitter, just absolutely confused. I have compassion for her journey, but can only control my own. I read all this passive-aggressive, or manipulative, or just nasty BS that so many wayward spouses pull, and I am thankful that I haven't had to deal with that.

You say that she slam dunks you at the end when you talk, what exactly do you mean? Is she putting you down or leading you on? Why react to that? She clearly has her own issues, and they are not about you. If she gets nasty just don't engage. Walk away if you have to.

[Ste7e]

From what I understand a WAW is just done with the relationship.
A WW is having an active A or thinking about it and acting like a 21 year old again.
From what my WAW tells me she is not having any A and has no interest in any relationship and I trust what she tells me. Besides holding in resentment towards me for my life choices she has as far as I can tell always been completely honest with me. And until proven otherwise I am working on trusting her as that is a personal issue of trust I brought into the relationship from some pretty disfunctional previous relationships. So maybe she is not a WW at all...I am just so confused on what is happening.
Things got hard and she just bailed it is what she does it is her pattern with all her past relationships. She has a lot of work to do on herself. But besides that she is a really great smart, fun attractive and smart person and I really love her that is why I am here. I want to be with this amazing person and spend my life with them. It is why I got married to her in the first place. It is why I am emotionally attached still. I will probably always feel that way which is why NC is my only option to save myself if she doesn't want to have a Romantic Relationship with me. It hurts so bad what we had was so special and great I really thought I had met my soulmate. The past two time we saw each other it was there even though we are going through this that special connection was there...I dont think she was leading me on in anyway...but when we were done hanging out she would just push so hard away which would crush me. I think she is just so desperately pushing me away despite her love for me she is scared and what I showed her over the last couple years was me at my worst and she doesn't want to be trapped with that, I dont blame her I dont want to be trapped with either. Which makes my GAL 180 so hard is that I am seriously blossoming and becoming myself again and being happy with myself slowly. But it is all too little too late and she doesnt see it because all she sees is me at my worst still. It all feels entirely hopeless I have lost the second best thing to ever happen to me...the first is finding myself. I wish we could start again as equals and see where this could go. But she has closed the door and moved on. Heartbreaking.

[Ste7e]

I guess it is also worth mentioning that every single person I know is in shock that we split up and I keep hearing you guys were so great together what happened so whatever was running in her was not seen by anybody outside her
Its been almost three months and I am still so confused by what happened

[Davide]

Hang in there. It will get better, but you have to keep working on it. Keep working on yourself. Detachment is a process and we are all at different points. It sure sounds like the two of us are in nearly identical situations with spouses who think they are done, but no affair, no kids, 7-8 years together. I feel the same way about my wife as you do - she is beautiful, smart, funny, caring (and also in the throes of a MLC). You can recognize all that and still detach. In fact you need to keep working on just that.

[Ste7e]

Fell asleep last night reading the detachment tread it was powerful
I started to piece together alot of different thread I am working on for myself in it
I had read it before but didnt have enough reflexive self knowledge yet to get it

[Ste7e]

W did text me first thing this morning to see if I had made it home from out of town and if she needed to feed the pets
I did respond immediately by saying I was home and left it at that
I am a bit flustered I broke NC as I feel even an exchange this trivial sets me back
I would love some feedback from more experienced DB on NC and going dark