Yes loking back on our chat from last week I see more of such talk that must have been driven by emotions.
She continues almost as if in desperation in wanting me to do something in saying that our R is only a piece of paper now. Course when I say we could address that, she says she has nothing to say nor will see me. I know the ball is clearly in her court on this, but it's extremely frustrating to hear her circle logic on it. It is HER that can break us out of this loop but she thinks it's on me.
D and I had a great weekend. Her quote I gave for sure made me take it straight to heart about being terrible and all the things I didn't do or could have done better. Of course it takes two and there was/is much she could have done as well.
I do wonder...for a WW with young children is there any thought in their mind on the impact their actions have on their child? It's one thing to not give a lick about how the LBH feels, but is that the same with their children? Praying for a quiet week of detach.
Appreciate everyone's comments and support during this very difficult time in my life.
WW are extremely selfish. After years of sacrificing their own needs they have decided it is time to focus on them. Read the other sitches on this board, many many WW just walk away from their families and kids. Read mtb's thread in particular. So do not be surprised at how calloused she can be even toward your D.
But ballast you still have a lot of work to do. Almost your entire last post is focused on HER. Until you can flip that script and start focusing on yourself. You cannot control her. No matter how hard you try. You can try direct control, passive-aggressive control, manipulative control, or another methods (guilt, etc) nothing will work.
However, you can control yourself with no expectations. You really need to focus on detaching, 180ing, GAL. Otherwise, I am afraid that your behavior is going to result in what you fear most: losing your W.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve...I appreciate the comments. My question about children I'm sure is driven from my logical mind trying to understand an illogical state. I need to accept that anything and everything is possible no matter how crazy it seems to me.
And yes you are right I for sure do. I had been going along last week quite well with detaching and GAL, but the ring really unleashed events that I didn't handle very well. It was definitely not my intent nor could I foresee the crazy that came from it. I would say though that much of me that might appear to be trying to control is more "what the heck is going on" based. When you have not experienced anything like this before, you naturally try to understand the logic of it. And being a newbie you make mistakes that are controlling even when you aren't trying to.
Last week was bad, definitely hoping for a detached week with my gym and spending time with family this weekend. Definitely never has been my intention to control and as you say we have all made mistakes when trying to come to terms with what's happening.
ballast, that is all true. I think the problem we make as newbies is trying detachment, 180s, and GAL only in terms of trying to get our spouse to come back to us. The problem is that they can see right through that. They can tell when we are just doing something to manipulate them.
As AS, and the other experts here point out, it isn't until we detach, GAL and 180 ONLY FOR OURSELVES that ironically the WAS suddenly takes notice and starts to get interested in what is going on. But by then many of the LBSs have already moved on and are really ready to end the MR. It is a weird dynamic.
If you DB to try to change your spouse, you will fail. If you DB because you truly want to prepare for life after your D then suddenly the WAS starts showing signs of wanting to R.
That was my point in my last response. It is like trying to fake sleeping while keeping one eye open to see if the person you are trying to fool notices. They can always tell you are faking because of your eye being open.............
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
B - I think they know what they are doing will impact the children but they don't care. Their selfishness is more important to them and nothing will stop them from getting what they want. They rationale the break up and the impact to children telling them selves that the kids will be alright, they will adjust, they are resilliant, many kids come from divorced families, etc.
yep I mean prior to the events of last week, I was truly detaching and GALing for me with no expectation on how or even if W noticed. when I flipped the apple cart so to speak it unleashed events that caused me to unknowingly try to control, just was not prepared for that.
a friend of mine said to me today that I should be re-evaluating what it is that I love about her in current terms. it was insightful because for sure at this time only the fact that she is the mother of my D causes me to have feelings of affection for her. in every other way the person is someone I do not know, nor would want nor is the level of person I deserve. it was a very helpful comment to hear.
joseph...yes that is my W...our D will be alright no matter what...when I see the impact of W's decision on my D though I know very much otherwise that her actions are causing a negative impact.
Yeah, my W pretty much has nothing to do with our 3 kids. She has been a stay at home mom through most of our M. Then, all of a sudden, she just became nonexistent in their lives. Sees them maybe 15 minutes one day a week. Usually in passing while she comes to the house to get something. She actually went 3 full weeks in March without seeing them or even talking to them on the phone. And she give the whole kids are resilient, this is what's best for them, someday they'll understand BS. One of the reasons she said she wanted to leave the MR was because she felt like she wasn't able to be a good mother. That she needed to leave to work on herself so she could be a good mother for our kids. In all actuality, she's just become a worse mother and doesn't seem to care...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
And just got another trip request from her. I'll have my D for 5 more days while she takes off to try and escape reality. More time with D is always great.
Just replied back with sure no problem, sounds good to me.
The email was even more formal, signing off "thank you, <name>"...
