You only fail this DB thing when you stop working on yourself. The relationship is secondary. Keep working on yourself.
It sounds like she completely ignored one of your boundaries and you called her out on it. That seems perfectly reasonable to me. That is the sign of having some self-respect.
The only caution I would throw up there is that it seems like a whole lot of decisions are being made in the heat of the moment. It scares the beejezus out of me to make decisions like that. You are married for the next 9 months in any case.
I hope this isnt the last we hear from you.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Eh, this too shall pass. I disagree with removing your ring no matter what she does. But that is me. I think you need to take some time and think things through. Plus she was likely reacting emotionally as well. Early on in my sitch my wife made similar pronouncements. Things can escalate quickly, and emotions can run high.
Anyway, sleep on it. Things might get better in the morning.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I appreciate the positive thoughts and comments. Got a few hours sleep, saw these and wanted to lay out all I can say of my sitch. Every time I post, once I read what I've updated I feel like I've not conveyed properly what I was trying to say. I think fewer words may help.
As I said last night I asked a simple question. Are we still in agreement on not seeing/dating anyone while separated. For me no matter my ring, it was a simple yes. I am fully committed to my vows. From her I did not get that. Instead I got, I'm not dating anyone, having sex with anyone, I'm not committing adultery. All of that is fine but a straight yes was all she had to say. She was being selective. Her answer didn't preclude EAs and why she couldnt just give a simple answer smells shady. If she needs time to find herself, I can 100% support that, but trust is huge to me and I will NOT be a backup, last resort, plan whatever while she comparison shops me with other men. I do know I've been way too nice in the past, avoided conflict as I thought that was a good thing and let her walk all over me. I know I'm a great guy, if she needs to check out other men she can do so without me in her life. I've read much of sandi's post. Especially where she implores H's to take their balls back, let your W feel she has lost you. To allow myself to be like "sure comparison shop me with other men" would have been completely giving up my value as a man. Something I simply can not allow no matter what happens.
As I've already said W was previously given meds for depression. birthdays are terrible for her. Our D and one of her aunts made her a cake. W refused it and to allow D to sing her happy bday/blow out the candles. For what I think is a year now, she has taken weight loss pills from her dr. She may be chem addicted, but at least emotionally addicted to them. she is at max dosage but is under a size 4. the effect of these from what I've read can cause rage and many other changes in brain chemistry. also every 6 weeks or so, she has to take a trip of say 4-6 days. my IC says that is because she can't find contentment in daily life. day to day she can only take so much before she has to get away. when she does she leaves D with me and goes some place she can party. she's her normal self when gone but as the trip goes her anxiety of coming home starts. we all agree ending vacations is no fun, but it really gets to her more deeply. once a day or so back to work, she not happy again.
durng this ordeal I don't think I've been dealing with an otherwise sober minded spouse. I went to IC to work on me as I do recognize ways that I was not my best for her. and i have learned SO much from all of you folks on MR, dynamics, etc. If I didn't love her as much as I do I would not be here reading and learning as much as I have been. I didn't know ANY of this stuff nor how so absolutely essential much of it is. I've also learned from my IC that I'm a high self esteem person while she very much a low self esteem. whereas I seek praise and give praise, W actually gives out low blows and as my IC puts it I need to not praise but rather mirror back to her and call her out when she does such and instead she needs to give me praise to make me happy. It makes total sense to me BUT I never learned any of this until W was gone.
last I mean she has run a story to her family that we're talking every day, working on us...she has tried to create this completely false narrative of us meanwhile her anger for me is immense and has completely not even said word one towards R...heck can't even meet in person or look me in the eye...zip, zero, nada. even in the many many other sitchs that I have read at least their WW/WAWs seem to have all had at least some comms with their LBH on the relationship and/or R. W completely folded up from day 1. as of now if she D's me we will have done/tried nothing to save it. i can know that i was always open at any time place to do/try anything to save us. the guilt/regret she will feel if we D as is to me would be insane. not to say that she won't, her life/choice but i could not make such an enormous decision without saying I exhausted every option to save it.
one last thing...I've read and heard some folks say if there are emotions then there are still feelings, if no emotions then no feelings. does anyone agree with that? I mean I'm a quick to believe worst case scenario. as hard, cold, angry as she is could she actually still have feelings. seems impossible and even if she does I know I need to move on, maybe she'll find them someday...guess I'm just trying to understand how that could still be so.
The emotions and feelings being attached make full sense.What I think you should do now is focus on you. Take all you positive energy- be the best you can be for you and you D. Stay well.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
ballast you're acting as if this encounter is the first time you have faced the possibly of an OM. I've told you and others here before that Ws don't need to move out to figure things out or to find themselves. They can do that in the marital home. Ws move out and get their own place so that they can have sex with other men. It's a hard reality but one that LBHs have to face.
Ws lie about OM for potentially several reasons. Because they want to spare their H's feelings. Or because they are afraid H will tell others and ruin their good girl image. Or because of the guilt and it being too yucky to face.
The biggest mistake you made and continue to make is believing anything she says. Look above again. WWs lie about their affairs. Heck if they are going to cheat on their Hs what is lying compared to that?!
Likely you believed her about OM for potentially several reasons. Because your wanted to spare your feelings. Or you wanted to believe she's still a good girl. Or because it is too yucky to face. Hmmm, sounds familiar doesn't it.
So is infidelity too much for you? Sounds like it might be. Give it some thought and if that is something you can't tolerate then go file for D.
But stop believing her lies and lying to yourself about the reality of all this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
steve...there's a big caveat...she is not in her own place..she is staying in her mom's other house and is triangulated on 3 sides by other family. and it's not the first time I'm facing that, I just wanted to confirm she and I were still on the same page. she came to me first in this asking what I was up to and I could easy say, yep married man...nobody else at all...would have handed my phone to her if she'd liked. that she couldn't/wouldn't reply with a simple yes is the only reason I wonder.
I do agree with you on me taking what she says as truth. I do believe she will start papers. I guess we'll see. infidelity would be too much for me. as I say though if she simply needs time and we have trust, then by all means take all she needs.
knowing her to me she sounds geniune about being done and filing...IF she's lying and she's NOT done...that's beyond crazy to me
regardless of where she is you've said she goes off on 4 to 6 day trips every 6 weeks. You really think she's acting as a married woman on this trips.
ballast I respect you drawing a line in the sand about other men. But just remember she's likely crossed it already. Which is why your insistence that she agree to no seeing or dating others is forcing her to take the 'I'm done' stance.
Also that was pressure and trying to control. anyway i still say you're too emotional over this encounter and need some time to reflect. Never underestimate a WW's capacity for not following through. She likely will not file. That's the way 95% of these cases go.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry for the rollercoaster ride you've been on! Remember that nothing has the finality or weight you think it does right now. Taking off your ring is a personal decision, there's no right or wrong, only what's right for you. You have to be authentic and honor your feelings.
Originally Posted By: ballast
So now I guess she'll be divorcing me.
Ask yourself why you're choosing that language. You could say "so now I guess we'll be getting divorced" or "so now I guess I will be divorcing her". By saying that she will divorce you, you're making yourself the passive victim here. Based on what you shared of the exchange, you were the one who said you were done (and I'm not saying that was wrong). Your choice of language here points to your mental model of the situation -- that she is doing this to you. That you do not have control over how things go.
Is that true?
How can you restore your feeling of control?
Out of all the questions that you could be focusing on right now, I would submit to you that this one is the most important.
Originally Posted By: ballast
A man can only take so much dysfunction. I'm not proud/happy/maybe a bit relieved, but to feel like I lost the mother of my child whom I deeply love I'm terribly sad.
That's a wonderful statement of the conflict you're feeling. On the one hand, you're tired of being beaten up and under-appreciated. There's only so much anyone can take. On the other hand, you're feeling terrible sadness over loss of the relationship.
From what you've shared about W I want you to think about something: there's who people are, and there's who we want them to be.
If you fall in love with the second one, you're in trouble.
Originally Posted By: ballast
Thank you all so much...I guess I failed this DB thing
Only if you give up on yourself.
You've had a shock to the system with that latest exchange. It shook up the status quo. Even though you weren't happy with the status quo, the pain of change feels worse right now.
You don't have to *do* anything right now. In fact, I would suggest you don't. Just take a break and feel. Don't try to engage W. Don't apologize, don't put your ring back on. Just feel, just process, just wait.
There is no urgency here that you're not creating. Everything will resolve itself in time the way that it should. Let go of the handlebars and have faith. You'll be fine.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Today out of the blue I got an email from W saying "please keep any girls you plan to date/see away from our D!" Um, when we split we agreed that we would NOT see nor date anyone else. The whole point of the separation was to allow us to work on the relationship and I was completely sticking to that. So I replied and said are we still in agreement on NOT seeing or dating anyone else?
B,
You should have calmly replied you know I would never bring a new girl around our daughter.
She was nervous and reached out to you to see if you were still available to be plan B and based on your response she received her confirmation that you are.
