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Steve,stander,Acc...thank you all for your comments.

Steve I understand as you say that it doesn't matter now only IF she chooses to want to try.

Stander I appreciate your words of wisdom. I'm doing the best I can with something that is new to me.

Acc friend as I say I have NO IDEA where those words even came from! I felt I had made a HUGE mistake after that encounter. Honestly I do not know how nor why I said what I did. I know it was a horrible mistake although two of my closet girl friends were like "eh, you confused her...that was not at all your normal". I appreciate the 2x4 to the face. What bothers me is that I can't explain to myself my actions. I know it was pursuit, it was stupid, 100% dumb. Since last Thursday I've just stayed quiet and shut my mouth. Got away to see family. I feel like I'm doing a good job on me, but really beating myself up over feeling like I screwed that up royally. And you are 10000% accurate on it being pursuit. Really do value your counsel ACC.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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Everyone makes mistakes in this process. If it were easy, there would be no need for these fora. Don't beat yourself up about the mistakes. Just admit them, learn from them, and keep DBing. It sounds like you know what to do, you just need to follow through.

Hang in there!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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ballast Offline OP
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thank you Davide...every interaction just seems rightly or wrongly like life and death...when it's about something so important to you AND you feel like you've already screwed up enough, the last thing you want is feeling like you screwed up even more! smile I have learned a huge lesson through it. Hanging in there as you say.

I do appreciate your pat on the back and encouragement!


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ballast, you've got this. mistakes will happen. key is resolving to do better!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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ballast Offline OP
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Not even 3 months separated somebody give me one good reason I should not file for D and get out of this limbo hell!!

She seems SO happy free of me...

Rant over...

Last edited by Cadet; 05/16/18 10:31 AM. Reason: restored post

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Originally Posted By: ballast
She seems SO happy free of me...


If she weren't happy, you're the last person she'd show. She's giving you a big dose of "act as if" just as you should be doing with her.

See how her happiness makes you feel? You want *her* to feel that way about *your* happiness.

That's what GAL and "Act as If" are all about. Make sense?

If she sees that YOU are the one living the happy kickass life without her, then SHE is going to feel like you do now, like she's missing out, and will wonder why she's no longer necessary for your happiness.

In terms of why you shouldn't file? There's no reason. That's a personal decision. When you're done, you're done, and you'll know when its time.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
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Acc...your counsel knocks it out the park for me every time!

YES! What you say makes COMPLETE sense. And yep I do realize if she wasn't like that, I'd be the last to know, although there have been many times where she's been far less than happy around me.

Main point of that post was to just blow out an emotion I was having safely at that time rather than in her presence. Wonderful service of this forum AND to have great folks like yourself to 2x4 us and keep us on track is a HUGE bonus! It was a rant safely detonated herein.

The happy front triggered me is all so I threw up the file comment. Way too early to stop, but getting better at channeling my emotions in a post instead of to her.

always much appreciated!


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Originally Posted By: ballast
thank you Davide...every interaction just seems rightly or wrongly like life and death...


We all felt that way early on, like if we just said that one "right" thing it would put everything back to normal, or afraid if we said that one "wrong" thing that it would seal the fate of our doomed marriages. But it took a long, long time to get here and it will take equally long to reverse it. There will be big steps forward and now and then a step back. That's normal. Like Davide said, when you backslide just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, learn from it and keep moving forward.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hi all...so HUGE bomb drop today...although this time it was me.

Let me explain...W took her ring off soon after she left me. I said nothing. This past week I decided at the advice of some girlfriends to do the same. OMG! Monday I was advised out of the blue to not go after her BFF as she is married, her BFF and not available! I was like "WTF", mouth dropped wide open! Today out of the blue I got an email from W saying "please keep any girls you plan to date/see away from our D!" Um, when we split we agreed that we would NOT see nor date anyone else. The whole point of the separation was to allow us to work on the relationship and I was completely sticking to that. So I replied and said are we still in agreement on NOT seeing or dating anyone else? Simple yes/no question. She deferred around it. I said I want to speak with you today, she refused. We went around a bit and then I told her I'm done. She said she was too. She could not even meet me to talk and she has done exactly nothing in 3 months.

So basically I dumped her. There is MUCH to the story. She said she will call to get papers started and that's fine. We have to wait a year to file so we have 9 months to go. Bottom line is that I was d88ned sure not going to sit around and let her date/see other guys and think good ol' H will always be there. I'm sorry there's been so much dysfunction to her that I've not shared. Lots of depression, and my IC had told me long ago that she had taken all of her anger/resentment from likely even before we met and projected it on to me. As much as it pains me to say because I did completely the love the woman I married, she is NOT there anymore. She is completely and utterly gone. Nothing but spite, anger and hate comes from her now.

So now I guess she'll be divorcing me. I really was getting to grips with what was being said here, but once my ring came off it's like she lost her mind. If anyone would like to comment/question/wonder what the H I was thinking, I would love some comments. A man can only take so much dysfunction. I'm not proud/happy/maybe a bit relieved, but to feel like I lost the mother of my child whom I deeply love I'm terribly sad.

Thank you all so much...I guess I failed this DB thing


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You didn't fail at DBing. Don't beat yourself up at all. You have the right to feel your emotions.

Yes, this feels like a failure. I get it. But, you have to pick up the pieces now that things have shattered.

I would suggest that you go NC/dark on her outside of any business stuff (house, finances etc) and your D. I don't advise this because it will bring her back, but this is strictly for you and your healing. You need the time and space away from her to feel your emotions, process them, and pick up your life.

I haven't read your whole sitch, but not sure if you're doing any GAL. pick that up and start living your life. I know it won't be easy and you'll have to push yourself, but you absolutely have to.

As Accuray says - you can't go around the pain, you have to go through it. I can't agree with that more. For anything to turn around, you have to go in the opposite direction of her.

Take a deep breath. This is a long journey. Trust me, there is light at the end of this tunnel. I can guarantee you that if you put in the work and focus on yourself, you will be a better stronger person at the end of it. You will save yourself and if you the MR is saved in the process, that's a bonus - but here's the catch: you can't save the MR if you don't save yourself.

So focus on that. You and your D are your top priorities now. But, you can't be the parent you want for your D if you aren't stable, happy, and calm.

I am a year out from BD and I didn't think I'd be here emotionally and mentally. But I am and if nothing, I am a living testament, amongst many here, that you'll be okay. Hell, more than okay. you'll be spectacular.


No one is coming to save you!

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