Well today once she got off shift, pick up of our D was much more relaxed than yesterday. After my calling her on being disrespectful, yesterday she was in and out as fast as possible.
One thing I wish I hadn't done. Thinking about our little fight, I think it was her baiting me more than anything. Almost like if she does and I get angry she can think me the bad guy and justify her feelings. Thanks to Accuray I'll be prepared next time. I was calm, cool and confident today. Breezy as I've heard it described here and ZERO pursuit. Kinda taking it as a challenge to see how good I can get at being that way.
Steve, yep thanks for the confirm on the ring. That was my feeling all along. No matter what she did, I'm a married man sticking to my vows til the law says other wise. Ring stays on.
ballast, good deal. Didn't mean to suggest both MR breakdowns were your fault, only that you might have behaviors that contributed to it. But your IC obviously would know better than I would.
Although someone may be the common thread in two failed relationships that doesn't point to their behaviors as being the cause. It would just as likely be that they are picking people with the same issues, and it could just be bad luck.
Every good trait a person has also has an accompanying bad side. If you love someone because they are so spontaneous, you'll resent that you can't rely on them to be consistent.
If you love someone because they are so fun loving and silly, you'll resent that they don't take enough things seriously.
If you love someone who is neat and organized, you'll resent them for being too tightly wound.
etc. etc.
What we seek in a partner has much more to do with our own issues and limitations than it has to do with a partner.
This ends up creating scenarios like this: as a child, you had to work really hard for your parents' approval. As an adult, this has created a situation where you don't value approval from people who give it to you too easily. That doesn't seem real or genuine, and you don't trust it. Therefore, you're not attracted to those people. Instead, you'll seek out partners that make you work really hard for their approval.
That type of relationship is going to come with a certain level of dysfunction, and unfortunately if it fails, you're highly likely to seek another person who also makes you work really hard for their approval.
Even though the new person and the details are going to be different, how that "hard to please" dynamic plays out between you will likely create very similar relationship challenges longer term, so you can find yourself in the same situation again.
The other thing that I've read about is that people tend to pair with people who have the same level of self-actualization that they do. i.e. its unlikely that a highly confident person would be paired with a highly insecure person. Although your issues may be different, your overall level of self-actualization is probably reasonably consistent.
So what do you do about it? The first and obvious answer is to do the work on yourself so that you don't need to work so hard for approval in order to feel good about yourself. If you're able to get emotionally healthier, chances are you'll also match up with a partner who is emotionally healthier.
Secondly, understand what type of dysfunction you are seeking in a partner and why. Personality traits are on a spectrum. People can be totally spontaneous 100% of the time, or they can be spontaneous maybe 40% of the time.
If you're highly attracted to spontaneity, maybe you can figure out that you should pass on that 100% person and seek the 40%, hopefully you'll still get enough of what you need, but the "dark side" will be much less of an issue in your relationship.
Its a good journey to walk to figure this stuff out because ultimately it will make you much happier.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
ballast, good deal. Didn't mean to suggest both MR breakdowns were your fault, only that you might have behaviors that contributed to it. But your IC obviously would know better than I would.
Although someone may be the common thread in two failed relationships that doesn't point to their behaviors as being the cause. It would just as likely be that they are picking people with the same issues, and it could just be bad luck.
Every good trait a person has also has an accompanying bad side. If you love someone because they are so spontaneous, you'll resent that you can't rely on them to be consistent.
If you love someone because they are so fun loving and silly, you'll resent that they don't take enough things seriously.
If you love someone who is neat and organized, you'll resent them for being too tightly wound.
etc. etc.
What we seek in a partner has much more to do with our own issues and limitations than it has to do with a partner.
This ends up creating scenarios like this: as a child, you had to work really hard for your parents' approval. As an adult, this has created a situation where you don't value approval from people who give it to you too easily. That doesn't seem real or genuine, and you don't trust it. Therefore, you're not attracted to those people. Instead, you'll seek out partners that make you work really hard for their approval.
That type of relationship is going to come with a certain level of dysfunction, and unfortunately if it fails, you're highly likely to seek another person who also makes you work really hard for their approval.
Even though the new person and the details are going to be different, how that "hard to please" dynamic plays out between you will likely create very similar relationship challenges longer term, so you can find yourself in the same situation again.
The other thing that I've read about is that people tend to pair with people who have the same level of self-actualization that they do. i.e. its unlikely that a highly confident person would be paired with a highly insecure person. Although your issues may be different, your overall level of self-actualization is probably reasonably consistent.
So what do you do about it? The first and obvious answer is to do the work on yourself so that you don't need to work so hard for approval in order to feel good about yourself. If you're able to get emotionally healthier, chances are you'll also match up with a partner who is emotionally healthier.
Secondly, understand what type of dysfunction you are seeking in a partner and why. Personality traits are on a spectrum. People can be totally spontaneous 100% of the time, or they can be spontaneous maybe 40% of the time.
If you're highly attracted to spontaneity, maybe you can figure out that you should pass on that 100% person and seek the 40%, hopefully you'll still get enough of what you need, but the "dark side" will be much less of an issue in your relationship.
Its a good journey to walk to figure this stuff out because ultimately it will make you much happier.
Acc
Outstanding post. And the bad side seems worse when the MR isn't good. Take the silly, fun loving. That is awesome when the relationship is good. As soon as you hit a rough patch that bad side, never serious, is like nails on a chalkboard.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night I sat in total silence in our house and found myself content...a complete lack of emotion that she was gone, don't know how or even why I was like that.
This morning I wake up and I miss her. No psycho-babble, analysis...just flat miss her. Didn't act on it in anyway, besides feeling it.
Mother's Day is Sunday. Planning to just text to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. I won't insert any deeper feelings into it, but I will not NOT recognize her on that day either.
Balance, patience, self-control, strength...focusing on those within myself and taking it day by day.
Today she called me to ask if I wanted something from the store she would bring it by when she picked up our D. I said yes, told her what I wanted, thanked her.
When she got here she said that's the last time I'll do that again you didn't even tell me what you want. Um??? She rounded up D and her stuff and didn't want to talk. I said you don't want to talk to me, we're husband and wife and she said not for much longer. I thanked her as she headed out with D. Finally she said "it's been a long day". Interesting how she was so cold on the "not much longer" comment, but then opened up to me to say how her day was.
SO much anger! Ok so she was late arriving, I imagine traffic was bad, etc, but that's stuff we all have to deal with. I have been living with constant anger from her even before we split and I deserve better than that.
I know don't listen to anything she says and her anger should not at least have been directed at me, but who knows. Oh and she said we don't have a relationship as I've said before. We don't have a relationship because she moved out and doesn't want to work on it. If I can't talk to her about R or my son and I shouldn't be calling her to say "how was your day" then what the H can I do to improve that feeling in her head. Probably even too late now anyway.
Do I just treat this as an isolated event, learn from it and do better next time?
