Can I really do this #2

[SteveLW]

"So I wasn't snooping. I'm on facebook constantly mostly for work marketing. Just popped over to my W's page as I miss her (she doesn't post much so I wasn't worried about any of that)."

You are not being honest with yourself. Checking facebook IS snooping. Since you use it for work my suggestion would be to hide her on facebook. I am not on facebook as I think it is an unholy abomination, but I think there is a way you can hide someone without them knowing, so says my wife.

JustSad, it is so freeing when you stop snooping. I can't tell you how much healthier mentally I feel since I stopped snooping on her 3 months ago now. Snooping only hurts yourself, as you can see if you go back and read your post.

[AnotherStander]

JS, try to avoid her social media stuff. She's trying on her new "singleness" and will probably be posting stuff that is just going to upset you. It's all part of the process, she may eventually snap out of it but there's a lot of potential misery between here and there.

[Davide]

I thank god that my wife closed her facebook account a year ago before all this. I would have been all over that in the weeks before I discovered DB. As it was, I looked at her instagram page once, and then she made it private. I know that was a mistake.

You can ignore someone on facebook without defriending them. That sounds like a plan. I actually did that to a common friend that my W and I are still both close to. He posted pictures of her at a party and then also hiking another weekend. It was just unhealthy to keep looking at that.

[Davide]

I thank god that my wife closed her facebook account a year ago before all this. I would have been all over that in the weeks before I discovered DB. As it was, I looked at her instagram page once, and then she made it private. I know that was a mistake.

You can ignore someone on facebook without defriending them. That sounds like a plan. I actually did that to a common friend that my W and I are still both close to. He posted pictures of her at a party and then also hiking another weekend. It was just unhealthy to keep looking at that.

[Dtrmned]

This board has become a very important part of my GAL, getting advice, feedback, the 2x4's to my head and all the rest that I value so much.

Presently, today, this morning, I am just having one of those surreal mornings. Nothing bad has happened in the last 36 hours which is good. In fact, it has not been "pleasant", but cordial around our home. No deep conversations, just talking about the kids and short other things. No phone calls. VERY few texts. By reading other's situations and the length of time I know this is going to be a long process. I am doing all I can to not avoid, but observe from a distance, the roller coaster ride my wife is on. She is detaching from me on many, many levels but is still cake eating as much as possible. One of the "tests" will be next week. She has a few bills due which I told her that March was the last time I was going to pay them. I did cave and paid April since it was a little quick and am trying to be fair. She wants her new life, but still has made ZERO effort to get a job. She does not go out (again health issues) but does spend time on her phone/tablet a lot all day and escapes into the "supernatural" ghost, snapped, ID channel crime type stuff on tv while she is on her heating pad. I am not snooping on the going out thing, she could be doing something during the day, but I do take our vehicle when I run some errands during the week and she averages about 50-60 miles per week on her driving. Carpooling the kids and a couple of trips to the market and that all adds up. I don't believe anyone is coming over to the house while I am at work, as that is one of our boundary rules, and there are times that I am in the area and stop by to grab lunch or whatever. Again, not spying or snooping, this is just my schedule. She seems to be more productive around the house which is good, but her mood swings are swift and severe and her energy is done quickly. She might get in a light workout (30 minutes of what she calls grandma walking on the treadmill, speed of about 2.0). She adds in a 15 minute stretching and then she is pretty much done. Presently she can't sleep too well (up at 3-4-5am ish) and takes 2-3 naps per day and in bed by 10. Manages to get dinner done about 3 times a week (I make the kids lunches everyday for school and generally make breakfast on the weekends along with at last 1 dinner.
She said she printed out the forms for her or us to go through to make notes on how things will work. These were just mediation paperwork forms with an outline on subjects to discuss and come up with for the divorce. I sent these to her in September, then she asked again for them 10 days ago. I had to send them to her 4 times since she deletes all her emails (she has done this for years as she is a little ocd on the tech side so this is not a new behavior to hide anything although I do know she is using other means to hide communication with her friend (not sure if it is an EA or just a very close friendship since they have only seen each other 5 times in 18 months most during the day just for coffee or lunch).

As I mentioned she is detaching (she actually used the term a week or so ago that she needed to) so she is doing some research on what she needs to do to move on and not be co-dependent or just dependent on me. I don't know if co-dependent is the right word, as I think marriage is a touch co-dependent anyway as you are supposed to be a team, lean and count on one another through life.

I am not initiating any conversations unless about the kids or something that needs done. I am cordial. Good Morning, Good Night, little things here and there. I do let her know I'm headed out for a run, or running an errand, feel like its only right at this point.

Ok, feel much better getting this out. Again, I dislike the positive feeling you get when things just relax because you know it is just going to explode again in some way (not from me hopefully!) soon and who knows what direction that will take.

Re-read the detachment links that Cadet sent again this morning.

Any input and feedback is always appreciated and I love the support. Someday, as I get more versed and along in this, I may even start commenting on others situations and giving them some feedback as well.

What an adventure! Life is a ride. Let's enjoy the journey!

[Cadet]

As I mentioned she is detaching (she actually used the term a week or so ago that she needed to) so she is doing some research on what she needs to do to move on and not be co-dependent or just dependent on me.
I don't know if co-dependent is the right word, as I think marriage is a touch co-dependent anyway as you are supposed to be a team, lean and count on one another through life.

Except YOU are not responsible for her happiness nor is she responsible for yours.

Divorce is the ultimate detachment tool.

Best thing to do is detach before and take responsibility for yourself, the same for her.

It is counter intuitive but it strangely works.

[SteveLW]

^^^^^^^^^^^What Cadet said!

Codependence isn't being a team, it is expecting her to make you happy and vice-versa. It is never a good thing.

[AnotherStander]

I am not snooping on the going out thing, she could be doing something during the day, but I do take our vehicle when I run some errands during the week and she averages about 50-60 miles per week on her driving.

Checking mileage = snooping.

I don't believe anyone is coming over to the house while I am at work, as that is one of our boundary rules, and there are times that I am in the area and stop by to grab lunch or whatever. Again, not spying or snooping, this is just my schedule.

That's snooping too. Look snooping isn't the end of the world, but I want you to be more honest with yourself. You are snooping, you are checking on her, you are calculating miles, you are looking for a strange car in the drive when you are not home, etc. etc. Why does calling snooping by its name matter? Because it indicates that you are not detached. Your posts are filled with detailed info about your W and little about your GAL activities. If you follow other threads here like Maika's you will see that same kind of activity early on, his posts were very W-focused. Over time he shifted his focus to himself and that's when his real growth began. He's well on his way to being the spouse only a fool would leave and starting to see his W as a fool for leaving him. And who wants to be married to a fool? Anyway my point is to just accept that you are still very W-focused and try to think about ways you can break out of that.

I am not initiating any conversations unless about the kids or something that needs done. I am cordial. Good Morning, Good Night, little things here and there. I do let her know I'm headed out for a run, or running an errand, feel like its only right at this point.

I think that's fine, that's just being polite.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Everyone.

AS, Cadet and Steve GREAT feedback.

I admit that I am still WAY too W focused. I admit as well that I am snooping. Although some of these things I just come along naturally. I have always been the one who noticed something that was moved from the pantry, not nosy, just a little too ocd detail oriented type of personality. Now this didn't mean I always picked my dirty clothes off of the floor either! Old habits are hard to change, but I am working on it daily. I have hidden her feed on Facebook today. Really read through some of the other parts of the forum. I intentionally stay away from the home more now than ever. And more often than not, if I'm going to stop by I text when I'm on my way. I am not trying to see a car in the driveway. I believe I would notice if my W had her hair, makeup, and had "gotten ready" for some type of rendezvous whether at our home or somewhere else. Her health issues kind of preclude that though not impossible. She rarely puts on make up and rarely does her hair and is usually in the same clothes when I get home that she had on when I left. She is a beautiful woman and I do love her very much and that is my issue to deal with. Regardless of how this goes I will always love her.
When I referred to marriage as being co-dependent that was a bad choice of words. For many, many years we were a great team that seamlessly communicated with each other. We floated on air for many years and supported each other in our marriage, our friendship and the other aspects of our lives.
At present, yes, I am lost in my way as all I have done for the last several years was take care of her (with the chronic medical issues and surgeries) and our children so this GAL thing is a very new thing to me. I love the working out part. I feel better, look better and I know my health is improving daily. My W has also noticed and make some comments that I didn't say too much about, but did acknowledge the compliments. I do love my new space. I am also doing more business social events (during the day) to interact more with colleagues. Difficult on the getting out at night thing as there are times, when I get home, that my W is actually asleep on the couch for a few hours. Also the financial strain we are going through I think would lead to some arguments since she is solely focused on herself at the moment. I am also a little fearful of alcohol at the moment. I don't drink to excess, but on Mother's Day, I think I would have handled the situation better if i hadn't had a couple of glasses of champagne. I just need to keep my wits about me!

Cadet, you said it well. I am not responsible for her happiness and she is not responsible for mine.

This counter intuitive stuff is hard (hence trying to keep my wits about me).

Today helped a lot so thank you all. Especially in calling me out and letting me know that what I was doing (and my comments) weren't matching up and I was justifying or whatever my behavior to stay focused on my W. I am going to focus more on myself and I need to let go more and detach better.

Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day as I move on to a better me.

[hoosjim]

Hey JS.

My own sitch has sort of slowed down drastically in recent weeks, after a very chaotic and turbulent burst of activity. Seems like I am at least "over the hump", and am not devoting as much mental energy to my own sitch (for the first time in many, many months, lol!) so I am going to try chiming in a little more on others' threads when I get a quiet moment. (Things are still kind of hectic for me with a chronically ill son and another son who is in the process of trying to avoid being flunked out of college, but I think I can make the time to try to give something back on this forum which has helped me so much.

First, you are getting great advice, here. Don't know if it has been firmly established that you have a "WW", but, wayward or walk-away, you wont find much better insight than Sandi2 has to offer. AnotherStander is also a long-time vet with very valuable insights and Steve85 is very very active and engaged. I know I have left out others, but I noticed those right off the bat. All of these folks have your best interests at heart-- just try to keep in mind that everyone on here has a slightly different perspective that tends to be colored by his/her own experiences and situation. Try to stay focused on your own sitch and try not to become too befuddled by the often varying takes you will get on here. If you look hard enough you will usually find general common threads running through the advice and insights of other posters that will prove to be your lifelines, and then particular posters will have special insights into your sitch by virtue of their own experience that will provide more specific guidance (in my own sitch, Artista's guidance has been particularly helpful as she identifies with and has much in common with my own W). At any rate, the bottom line is that everyone on here is on here to help you... so know that any advice is being given in the spirit of making you a better you and giving you the best shot of ultimately salvaging your MR (if that is what you want.)

Specific thoughts on your sitch:

1) Like me in my earliest stages, you are almost completely focused on your W and what she is doing. You are RE-acting instead of acting. YOU should be the one to set the tone. Be confident in who you are. Act decisively. Don't explain yourself to her all the time. Men Act, we don't explain. I myself have an over-active voice box... and sometimes I just need to stick a sock in it. Right now, you are only going to hurt yourself by engaging in MR talks with your W. As far as she is concerned, everything about you and her R with you is BAD. Nothing that happened between the two of you was ever good, happy, enjoyable, etc. Anything that was actually happy or enjoyable will be conveniently forgotten or revised in her head. I saw this time and again with my own WW. I remember one time very early on as I was walking out of the house after a brief exchange she said something suggestive like "well, if you leave now, there's no way you're getting lucky tonight." I heard it VERY clearly. Not 24 hours later she was denying having said anything at all. Events in our past that had been happy were revised by her either factually, forgotten, or else colored by her with something like "I was actually miserable the whole time" or "I always had doubts even when..." What can you do? Detach. Move on. Get out of the house and do cool, fun, amazing things. And don't tell her about it. Maybe leave hints around, but the less she knows the better, especially when you start looking happy and healthy and... awesome. Working out is a GREAT start, and it was a great foundation for me, but make sure you are finding some fun things to fill your time. The most interest I got from my WW during our long journey were in those instances where I was mysteriously off doing something on my own that she did not know about, or, better yet, when she actually thought I was walking out and leaving her. It was the latter such dynamic which finally pushed our sitch "over the edge" and, apparently, jump started what to all appearances is a legit reconciliation process. But you CAN'T count or rely on that happening. What you do has go to be for you first. If you are hoping to save your MR, and to create a better foundation for doing that by bettering yourself and by detaching from your train-wreck WW, fine, but make that a secondary consideration

2) WWs/WAWs want everything to be "fine". They want to be able to ride off into the sunset (With our without their AP, depending on WON there is one) and have everyone love them, hold them blameless, and continue to fill their bank accounts. They cannot grasp the concept that separation, divorce, and, worst of all, infidelity, mean chaos, pain, hard feelings, and broken homes. It is only when they start to grasp some of these concepts, as well as to miss their spouses and their MR, that things MIGHT start to turn. As such... don't do anything to encourage her fantasy that this is going to be easy. It is going to be hard, and she should know that.

Gotta run now but will try to chek in later.