Can I really do this #2

[Dtrmned]

REALLY need feedback and help today.

Again, the best laid plans blew up.

Decent weekend and even asked W is she still wanted to do Mother's day brunch with all of us. Also said if she would rather just do it with the kids, I was ok with that as well.

She opted for the entire family.

So we did our traditional family morning. Mom in bed, gets her coffee early, enjoys her time alone followed by breakfast in bed with her cards. Overall a great time (I got my run in while she was eating so that was good!).

We all got ready and headed to an amazing brunch. 2 1/2 hours in, W starts making remarks to daughter about looking to date college men. She was jovial, but serious and right in front of me, my daughter and son. She saw it affected me greatly. We briefly discussed as our kids went to the restroom. She said, it's no big deal. I countered I thought it was. Ended the brunch, headed home, quiet and somber. At home, got into it a bit and she just reiterated that she is done and moving forward. Then said, do you want to watch a show? I said no, headed up to our room for the evening. A bunch more to this but mostly just argumentative stuff between us that goes on and on and on.

I don't know, other than detaching more and going more dark how to protect myself from this.

PLEASE help with feedback. I tried to make it a good day, and again, took the bait and it ended poorly.

Is there any hope???

[Cadet]

I don't know, other than detaching more and going more dark how to protect myself from this.

PLEASE help with feedback. I tried to make it a good day, and again, took the bait and it ended poorly.

Is there any hope???

There is always HOPE.

Don't take the bait again follow your own advice above.

[Dtrmned]

Thank you Cadet!
I know this is a roller coaster. I'm just trying to detach so I can watch the ride instead of being beside and experiencing the full ups and downs!

Your brief comment was totally on point, appreciated and received fully.

I printed out the detachment thread and have read it 3 times between yesterday and this morning.

Much to work on for myself and also the detaching and not getting sucked into, baited and reacting to W's present ride.

[AnotherStander]

REALLY need feedback and help today.

Again, the best laid plans blew up.

I disagree, it didn't blow up at all. The only thing that you let get away from you was your expectations. I remember early on after BD doing things with my ex and thinking that things were better and maybe she had even changed her mind, but then she'd say something to remind me that no, she really was done and it was over. It hurts to hear but just keep in mind that's how she feels NOW. That could change in a few months or a year. But for now she's resolute that leaving is the right thing to do. She will still enjoy family time, they all love their cake-eating. But nothing has changed for her. You did not really do anything wrong, the DB coaches are fond of saying that you should try to "show her what she will miss". Just be careful not to turn it into temp checking or pursuit. Keep stuff like that kid-focused. But when she threw the jab out about dating college guys (at 44 all I can say is "good luck with that") you should have just let it roll off your back. If things get a little chummy she will say stuff like that just to remind you of the true state of things.

Is there any hope???

Absolutely, just not on the timeline you want. You want to put things "back to normal" right away, but that's just not going to happen. She won't change her views on you and the M for months or maybe even years.

[sandi2]

Would you refresh my mind about something, please? You said you were giving it a year before you filed for a D. Is she aware?

I see a lot of behavior in her that is common in WW's who are applying pressure on the H to file for the D, leave the home, or whatever. She will find the negative side to almost everything. She will make inconsiderate statements, just as she made about dating college men. The standards that may have once guided her life......and the role model she tried to be for her children, have been cast aside. She may have thought the 14 year old D would see her as being a cool mom who could get young college guys! Maybe she expected everyone to be as excited for her.....who knows. There are times WW's are just inappropriate.......period.

Resentments, unmet expectations, selfishness, self entitlement, disrespect.........whatever led her into developing a wayward mindset took a little time. It didn't happen overnight (even if it appeared to you that it did). What you are currently seeing is her rebellion. Anyway, she doesn't realize her family is still in shock from her news of wanting to end the M. She acts as if they should be just a well with it as she. That's why her attitude of, "What's the big deal". So, whenever the H expresses any objections to some careless or inappropriate statement or action on her part........she is ready for a fight.

It's one thing to call her hand on being inappropriate or disrespectful, but don't make passive-aggressive statements that's going to lead to an argument. Don't have a discussion about it, b/c it does no good. She will turn it into a argument/fight. If she tries to bring up later, shut it down and say, "No more talk about it".

This is just one of the reasons I don't encourage family traditions or special events within the immediate family when the WW is talking about leaving. The WW will usually (not every time) spoil it before it's over. You were put in a situation where she invited everyone to celebrate Mother's Day, so you felt stuck. One advantage you have with your kids being as old as they are, you can let them plan Mom's birthday or whatever. (Let's see how much she makes over you on Father's Day). Also, the following months might be a good time to change some things around, instead of sticking to traditions. If the kids enjoy it.....and if a divorce should come, then it may help that first year following it. Family traditions are wonderful, until suddenly one, two, or more people are missing from the family........then their absence seems magnified. In less than five years, my family lost so many members, either through divorce or death, that we struggle a lot. When I try to have those traditional family dinners, it can be emotional painful for those of us left. Anyway, do as many activities with just you and the kids, as possible.

((hugs))

[SteveLW]

Yep detachment is the key here. You are still tying your emotional state to hoping she changes her mind, and then you are disappointed when she shows she hasn't. As AS said, your expectations were all wrong.

Remember, never believe anything she says, and only half of what she does. Saying she is looking to date college guys and actually dating college guys are so far apart it isn't funny. Likely she said it to get a rise out of you. In fact, she probably said it because she started to feel something that was contrary to her "I am done" proclamation at the family brunch. You should take her saying that as a good sign as it shows she was rebelling against her feelings.

JustSad, you said you came home and kept discussing. Then went upstairs after telling her you didn't want to watch a show.

What are you doing to GAL? After brunch was a perfect opportunity to have done something to get a life. Go out somewhere, take one of the kids somewhere, go see a movie yourself, connect with friends (I realize it was Mother's Day so that last one might not have been possible.) Regardless, you needed to get out of the house after her passive-aggressive move at brunch.

[mtb1981]

We all got ready and headed to an amazing brunch. 2 1/2 hours in, W starts making remarks to daughter about looking to date college men. She was jovial, but serious and right in front of me, my daughter and son. She saw it affected me greatly.

Wow... I would have had a hard time not laughing and saying. "Yeah... Good luck with that Mrs. Robinson"...

[Dtrmned]

I appreciate the input and feedback!

Sandi, I think it was Steve85 who has given the 1 year timeline in his situation.

and YES, I slipped again on Sunday. I have pretty much quit drinking. I have never had an issue, but over the last few years with my wife on so many medications (most that she couldn't mix with alcohol) so we just never did it. When I did on those rare occasions, it was just a few social drinks anyway. But Sunday did have free champagne, my W had a couple and so did I. I believe this did let down my ability to keep myself from reacting and biting my tongue, or as was said "good luck with that" would have been a great one! For someone who can't stay up past 10pm. Cant drink, can't dance, can't work, and has her chronic pain issues, I am VERY unsure what a college age man's interest (beyond the obvious!) would be.

Last evening was quiet.

As far as my GAL part, I am working out much more. Using that time both in the morning (This morning was up at 430 and on the treadmill for 90 minutes prior to getting the kids up and their lunches ready then getting ready for work. In the evening I have kind of done the same thing. Headed out for a 3-5 mile walk/run depending on the day.

On the weekends I take the kids out somewhere and usually the kids and I will do lunch or dinner one of those days out. We are WAY strapped on $$$ right now so I don't feel like getting in the argument or comments on "we have no money how can you go out and spend money" issues.

So I am reading a lot. Working out a lot. And spending as much time with my kids as I can. I believe summer will open up some more possibilities for myself and the kids to do more things. I don't know how my W is going to like the kids being home all day though! Who knows!

Again, I appreciate all of you and your input. You have no idea how much I get from this board and the insight all of you provide. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

[SteveLW]

Go for a walk then. It is free. If it is cold, dress warm. If it is raining wear raingear. The point is to be out and be busy.

[Dtrmned]

ok.

everyday is an adventure!

So I wasn't snooping. I'm on facebook constantly mostly for work marketing. Just popped over to my W's page as I miss her (she doesn't post much so I wasn't worried about any of that). Just like seeing her face and a smile (torture I know, but I did it). I typed her name up top and just put her first and maiden name in (usually fills in the rest) low and behold I discover she has created a new facebook page using just her first and maiden name. It was 4 days ago and the only post was a sky photo. Just weird. I guess this is normal in this scenario as she is trying to move on. Her friends on there aren't many (I'm sure she can restrict it to who other's see) but right now there are only 2 and they are both friends/family that don't even live here and are providing her emotional support through this.

Trying to not let this bother me as, well, its just facebook!

But it still stings a lot.

Just venting for a moment...