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Originally Posted By: Loves77
I found it. You are right, it does sound like what he does. Nice for a bit then NOTHING.

My question is, when he calls or reaches out, as I'm sure he will, how do I respond to him? Just act nice?

Confidant, strong, busy, mysterious.

Read the thread we just spoke about and stop pursuing.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/09/18 01:48 AM.

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I found it. You are right, it does sound like what he does. Nice for a bit then NOTHING.

My question is, when he calls or reaches out, as I'm sure he will, how do I respond to him? Just act nice?

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One more thing for now, he's been calling more than texting. It's somewhat new for him. I kinda feel like if I answer everytime he feels like I'm just waiting for him to call. I me mentioned that last week he had started reaching out more. The last night that he did, he had called at 8:45 at night. I actually did miss the the call same and the kiddos were at my dads, but on the way home. I had texted him about 30 min later "What's up?" His response was, "what, I can't call now?" I was kinda vague that night but did respond nicely. Then the he went quiet for the rest of the week. When he calls, he never leaves voicemails, ever. If it's important he will text right after. (This is from the past - prior to him leaving)

My question is, do I answer/return call if missed? Or wait?

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Today is the fourth day that I have been quiet. It bums me out that I have not heard from him. I'm still doing my best to focus on me, even though I still think of him most of the time. I dread the weekends at this point, I know he will want the baby for some time. We do fine at exchanges, but the "doing fine" kinda concerns me. I worry that he will validate the break up and consider this the better option. He gets to leave, and now have his life, and all is well. I'm still trying to hang on here but when I have no sign fro him it gets very difficult.

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He very well might decide that is the better option. You are focusing on him and trying to control him. You can't do that. You have to focus on the one thing you can control, and that is YOU. You said that in your second sentence, then went on to focus on him.

Any movement on your detachment? 180s? GAL? When you are around him for those exchanges are you the best you that you can be? Are you a spouse only and idiot would leave? Work on all of that and who knows, he might eventually come around.


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Hmmmm.... not sure that I'm trying to control at this point. I never have, but I can see why he might have felt that way at the end. I recognize that he was just as overwhelmed as I was when he left.

The face to face contact between us has gone really well between us. He even wanted us to hang out with him while he had the baby 2 weekends ago. When he first left, I had a couple moments of sending emotional text messages, when he first left, and then maybe a week later. But since then I have not done that. That's why I mentioned that when I pull back he comes looking.

GAL has never been to much of any issue for me, so I have been. I suppose that is why I say he might look at this as the better option. I know that is a possible option, but I would be devastated if it happens. It's hard for me to fathom him really wanting to go when it was just 4 months ago he was wanting to make it work.

I keep the faith.

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His mom contacted me tonight. I haven't been in contact with her since this weekend. I held strong and didn't ask about him. She's always told me to stay hopeful, that she feels that we will be back together. But, I know I had to back off from her.

I can't lie, I wanted to ask her so bad about him. It [censored] not being a real part of the family.

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Update - he texted me this morning at 8 o'clock. Last night his mother asked for a picture of the baby and I had sent one. He sent it to me via text and commented how cute he was. Then then jokingly said I need to start sending him pics or we are gonna fight. I just responded "lol". Then he asked how much money I needed for bills, and I told him whatever he could give. He then jokingly said I'm a pain in the ...". I responded that he doesn't really have a big one, so i can't be too much of a pain. He joked backed.

I'm so confused by him.

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WASs are very confusing animals.


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Hello and welcome!

Originally Posted By: Loves77
I have done all the wrong things. I have asked about 5 times if Is really over. He says yes. I do believe that there is a chance to save this relationship as when I back off, he reached out to see if I'm still there.


So you mentioned you were here before for your M and that it worked, I assume after the initial pressure you've backed off and got back to DB'ing?

Quote:
What's the best thing to do when they say it's over?


Just nod and validate. Validation is not agreeing, it's just acknowledging feelings.

Quote:
I once again asked him if he was sure that the rekationship was over. He said that he was.


Stop asking about the R. He is telling you how he feels right NOW and that's not going to change anytime soon. Be patient!

Quote:
The last time I backed off, he was calling at the end of the week wondering where I was. We then kept talking for about 4-5 days then he went silent again.


Yes that's typical of the pursuit/distance dynamic. You distance, he pursues. You warm up to his pursuit and he pushes you away again. You need to break the dynamic, don't get drawn in when he temperature checks you.

Quote:
It's been a few days since any interaction and I'm getting edgy. I go from being strong to upset in minutes at times. I'm so nervous that he is completely over me and moving on.


These situations don't resolve quickly. It's going to take months. Just relax and take some deep breaths, there's no sense of urgency.

Quote:
My question is, do I answer/return call if missed? Or wait?


Well you want to seem mysterious and make him wonder what you're up to, so sometimes don't answer. If he calls and doesn't text or leave a message then let it go, don't call him back or text him. When he texts, sometimes reply right away, sometimes reply after an hour, and sometimes don't reply at all. Again the idea is for you to be too busy for him. At first you may be faking it but eventually you really should be too busy GAL'ing.

Quote:
I'm so confused by him.


We're not. His actions are very, very typical of a WAS. I would suggest maybe being a little less chummy with him in texts. Try to keep things business-like. Contact should be mostly for kid-related stuff. Do you read Sandi's rules every day?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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