Hello. I'm new here. Well not exactly. I joined years ago with my first marriage. The site helped me tremendously. That marriage fell through, the site helped and actually worked, but my ex would not leave his lover alone at the time so I ended the marriage.
Fast forward to now. I'm not married currently but have been with my boyfriend for two years. We just had a child, his first my fourth. We struggled at the end of my pregnancy and he had moved out for the last three months. No affairs occurred, he moved in with his mother. He came home after the baby was born. All was going well, the typical stress of a newborn. Looking back, what I saw as normal was probably all new to him as it is his first child. He started to disengage at focus on video games more and more and hanging out with friends more and more. I was so overwhelmed and upset by all this that I started to play the head games. We did this for a few weeks. The main thing we did was silent treatment. Of course these actions opened old wounds from when we were separated while I was pregnant. We started to talk one night and it escalated and he left. I was very upst and hurt and told him that was the last time he has done that to me. But the next day I asked him to come home and he wouldn't. It has put me into a panick. I have done all the wrong things. I have asked about 5 times if Is really over. He says yes. I do believe that there is a chance to save this relationship as when I back off, he reached out to see if I'm still there.
I need help on how to stay focused on what to do. I've been pretty depressed and I think that is part of the over all problem. My insecurities are raring their ugly head.
What's the best thing to do when they say it's over?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So. Some events happened since I was on here last. I once again asked him if he was sure that the rekationship was over. He said that he was. I was pretty bummed. I asked again because I sometimes feel like he is feeling things out. The last time I backed off, he was calling at the end of the week wondering where I was. We then kept talking for about 4-5 days then he went silent again. I know that I can't ask again, that was the last time. Well, I asked him on sat. He was gonna get the baby on Sunday, and after he said it was over, I was devastated. Couldntvslrep all night. Right before he was coming to get the baby, he called. He was upset about an argument he had been in and needed to vent. I listened and talked. We talked for about 20 min. He came and picked baby yup and dropped him off. When he dropped him off he said that he had the next day off and if I was in the area to stop by. Well, I didn't hear from him and I have t since.
It's been a few days since any interaction and I'm getting edgy. I go from being strong to upset in minutes at times. I'm so nervous that he is completely over me and moving on. 😔
Hello. I'm new here. Well not exactly. I joined years ago with my first marriage. The site helped me tremendously. That marriage fell through, the site helped and actually worked, but my ex would not leave his lover alone at the time so I ended the marriage.
Fast forward to now. I'm not married currently but have been with my boyfriend for two years. We just had a child, his first my fourth. We struggled at the end of my pregnancy and he had moved out for the last three months. No affairs occurred, he moved in with his mother. He came home after the baby was born. All was going well, the typical stress of a newborn. Looking back, what I saw as normal was probably all new to him as it is his first child. He started to disengage at focus on video games more and more and hanging out with friends more and more. I was so overwhelmed and upset by all this that I started to play the head games. We did this for a few weeks. The main thing we did was silent treatment. Of course these actions opened old wounds from when we were separated while I was pregnant. We started to talk one night and it escalated and he left. I was very upst and hurt and told him that was the last time he has done that to me. But the next day I asked him to come home and he wouldn't. It has put me into a panick. I have done all the wrong things. I have asked about 5 times if Is really over. He says yes. I do believe that there is a chance to save this relationship as when I back off, he reached out to see if I'm still there.
I need help on how to stay focused on what to do. I've been pretty depressed and I think that is part of the over all problem. My insecurities are raring their ugly head.
What's the best thing to do when they say it's over?
Let them go. You answered your own question in that when you back off he reaches out. SO BACK WAY OFF. Put no pressure on him at all. That means stop all pursuit. Detach (see Cadet's link) and validation.
180s (stop doing the things you were doing wrong) and GAL (hard with a newborn I know, but you have to show him you will be fine without him).
IF you do this right, there is a high likelihood he will want to come back. When he does you lay down the conditions of reconciliation and stick to those.
Finally, you both sound like you would benefit with couple's counseling. Neither of you handle conflict well at all. Counseling can help you with that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've been doing my best to stick with the no contact. I was doing so well, then he reached out. It's almost like he got scared. Idk. So back to being quiet. I'm doing my best at GAL as well. The baby is getting a bit older so soon he will be able to be with family if I need some time. I will read about Detachment also. Again thanks so much.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
