My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[44tries]

I was in a similar position with the bed issue when I first joined here and everyone made it clear straight away that I should absolutely not be leaving the bed. My W was firm on not sleeping together and we had originally had BS agreement about switching off (her suggestion). Before anyone opened my eyes, I thought this was an acceptable solution and was all too quick to try and accommodate!

I ended up saying almost exactly what Steve posted, unfortunately I can't remember if I included the validation part. She was trying to get her turn in the bed and saying I had gone back on the agreement to switch off, because I hadn't given it up for a few nights. I said something like, "I know we had that agreement, but I thought about it and I don't think I should be the one to leave my bed and be less comfortable when I am not the one that doesn't want to be in the MR. If you don't want to sleep in the same bed, then you should be the one to find somewhere else to sleep." The thing is, though, my W was never forceful about the issue because she knew I was right. She tried to act like she was being nice and accommodating, but when she saw I wasn't going to accommodate her anymore and give her any more turns in the bed, she did start making passive-aggressive comments all the time about not getting to sleep in it. I ignored them (that is a good example of a time NOT to validate).

This was one of the first steps I took toward standing up to my W and I have been in the bed ever since. Eventually, she gave up on her passive aggressive comments and hasn't challenged me anymore about the bed. Not sure if any of that helps, but I do think it's very important you do not let your WW have her way about the bed any longer!

[AnotherStander]

Hey everybody just trying to get a little advice. I am thinking about making a firm stand on going back into our marital bed.

Go for it, but...

I'd like to work on getting some respect back from WAW.

...not because you want some kind of reaction out of her. This is more about you getting some respect back for yourself.

Inevitably, she is going to try to kick me out of the bedroom.

The thing about your sitch is this- you're fine sleeping alone, or in the same bed with her. Go back to the bedroom and tell her she's welcome to stay or go, that's up to her. SHE is the one that wants you out of the bed. That is HER problem, not yours. If she complains just politely tell her you never should have left and it's not going to happen again.

If she brings up D again, I am going to mention then I'll speak to my lawyer about it.

If she brings it up, then just tell her it is not what you want, but you understand it's what she wants and you will not stand in the way of her decision. You want to stress that it is HER decision. And SHE needs to do all the work. Don't get baited into agreeing to do it yourself, if she tries that then tell that you don't want it and will not pursue it.

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks for the comments. The bed is a respect thing, not something to get a reaction. Truly, if she wants out of the MR, she'll get that sooner or later. But I don't think I should be sleeping in the guest bed anymore, now that I know she is having an EA with the OM still.

I have been enjoying my time on the weekends at the lake, and I sleep alone most nights. I can do this either way. I prefer to be in bed with my W, but that will be up to her. My mental states has improved due to you guys, so I thank you. I still have a ways to go.

We have so many complicated issues right now anyways with our house and business. I am becoming less available to her but we do need communication bc we need permanent financing on our spec home loan. We need a mower to cut the grass (I told her about this a month ago), we need to get our/her vehicle looked at for an insurance claim. We need to rebuild a retaining wall and paint a drywall repair on the spec house we're living in. This stuff is piling up and hopefully she is venting this to the OM, who won't be able to help her. The spec home is for sale, but we are out of time on the construction loan and need to refi. Going to be hard to do during a D.




Well, maybe we'll get a response from sandi, I'll remain optimistic there! I wonder if I should be validatin or not. We'll discuss I further I guess...

She is questioning where I'm at and who I'm with. How do I respond, but vaguely?

And Steve, she hasn't talked to her parents except for a couple of times since BD. We saw them 1-3 days a week before BD. She has not returned a lot of their calls either. That's why I say it was good that she had some contact with her folks. I bet her mom's heart skipped a beat when she saw WW calling.

[joejoe1]

You can just say. Nothing and wait until you get home. She is assuming, and that's her problem. Or you can say, "I'm doing fine I will see you when I get home". Leave it vague as hell. She has lost her right to know your whereabouts.

Dont be mean or vindictive. You are lovingly detaching.

[ovrrnbw]

I moved into the bed last night. She immediately asked what I was doing. I said I'm sleeping in here now. She responded that she's not sleeping (in the same bed) as me. I validated and said that's fine. Then she tried forcing me out of bed by pushing me with arms and legs. That didn't work so she tickled me. That did work. But then I got back in bed and she gave up.

Then she asked me to get her one of ice cream sandwiches. I told her no, this is the last one, but there is cookies and cream if you want to go get that. She asked about 5 more times if I'd give her the ice cream sandwich and then started trying to take it out of my hands. I didn't give in. Then she started crying. I didn't respond. After a few minutes of that act, she decided to call me an [censored] and go sleep in the front bedroom. In protest, she opened one of the French doors connecting the master to the hallway. Eventually I woke up and closed both doors.

She was laughing and touching me, so I guess that's a positive. She punched me twice in the stomach when I wouldn't be Mr. Nice Guy for her. Also, I get yelled at for talking to a friend about my situation. I told her that I can talk to my friends. She asked who all I've told about it (her affair). I told her that's my business. She responded that when they go and "run their mouth" then it becomes her business. So I told her to do whatever she wants. She said she told him something, and I said I'm glad you got that resolved then. She also used this moment to threaten to tell people that I was emailing an ex 6 years ago. I responded by saying that's up to you.

She also asked what I was doing tonight. I told her just hanging out. She also questioned who all I have told about our situation, I think she meant her affair, though she didn't speak the word. I was very upbeat the whole time, and recorded it so I could relisten. I think she is used to me doing everything she wants, when she wants. She didn't leave the bed until I wouldn't give her the ice cream AND didn't respond to her crying.

Thanks for all your help, I'm definitely feeling stronger and better about myself. Need to keep working on myself, and for myself.

[SteveLW]

WW are funny it when it comes to talking to others about their misdeeds.

I told my W early on that I had no one to talk to. She got rebellious and said I could tell whomever I wanted, that she couldn't stop me. I named a couple of people (our preacher and my mom). She suddenly got quiet. Then she started naming a couple of people (one friend in another state that no one else we know knows and another "safe" person). I could tell her mind started turning when I told people too close.

Granted I would never tell my mom. That would've poisoned their relationship and made it harder for her to come back to the MR. Even our preacher would have been difficult for her, she may have stopped attending church.

So while I say use your support system to help you through, you do need to be cautious about who you tell. Telling too many or the wrong people can greatly complicate R occurring.

Otherwise you did awesome dude! I wouldn't doubt, if you keep this up consistently, that she will ask to return to the MBR eventually.

[ovrrnbw]

Evening bump

[ovrrnbw]

WW wanted to know why I was in bed again last night and I said we talked about this yesterday. I fell asleep while she was watching TV and she kept bumping into me about four or five times and eventually she just rested her arm against me I think to wake me up or get attention of some sort. She eventually left went and slept in the other bedroom.

Conversations have increased, she's asking me where I have been, and we have some physical touch the last 2 evenings.

My counselor says when she is doing these things, she is indeed pursuing, and that I need to respond to these in a positive way.

Any input from you all?

[Cadet]

WW wanted to know why I was in bed again last night and I said we talked about this yesterday. I fell asleep while she was watching TV and she kept bumping into me about four or five times and eventually she just rested her arm against me I think to wake me up or get attention of some sort. She eventually left went and slept in the other bedroom.

Conversations have increased, she's asking me where I have been, and we have some physical touch the last 2 evenings.

My counselor says when she is doing these things, she is indeed pursuing, and that I need to respond to these in a positive way.

Any input from you all?

Let her sleep in another room if she wants, good job moving back into the MBR.

I say let her keep pursuing you, if you turn around and try to pursue her she will retreat.

Simple pursuit and distance.

[ovrrnbw]

WW wanted to know why I was in bed again last night and I said we talked about this yesterday. I fell asleep while she was watching TV and she kept bumping into me about four or five times and eventually she just rested her arm against me I think to wake me up or get attention of some sort. She eventually left went and slept in the other bedroom.

Conversations have increased, she's asking me where I have been, and we have some physical touch the last 2 evenings.

My counselor says when she is doing these things, she is indeed pursuing, and that I need to respond to these in a positive way.

Any input from you all?

Let her sleep in another room if she wants, good job moving back into the MBR.

I say let her keep pursuing you, if you turn around and try to pursue her she will retreat.

Simple pursuit and distance.

You probably know more than I do. I am a bit tentative on responding to her pursuit, if that is indeed what it is. I give this board and Michele a great deal of thanks for the progress I've made this far.

My mental and emotional state is so much better. I feel attached to AJS and his thread so I want him to know it only took me 2 weeks to wake up and START a turnaround. I wish he lived around here.