Gotdie #19: patience, trust...and hope

[Mach1]

It only took me 20 months to finally hear what so many of you have said

Stop putting my life on hold

Life is too short

Standing for your M is not standing still

I cannot nice her back

Do not look back at this time as a waste

But a time of renewal and rebirth

Who is this, and where have you hidden Gordie's body ???

[sjohns6]

Sounds like a good recipe

Ever try it with buttermilk instead of regular milk

[Gordie]

Mach1

What can I say

I am slow



Sjohn6

Buttermilk is good for pancakes

But too think for waffles

They need to be light and fluffy

And I only use whole milk

[SBJ]

Keep on keepin' on Gordie. It is good to see that you are doing more and growing in yourself. That is all we can do.

I understand what it is like to feel that you are growing, but the spouse is staying still or moving backwards. All we can do is put our heads down and continue to do the work.

If you would like to try the Waffle House recipe let me know and I can shoot it to you.

[Mach1]

It only took me 20 months to finally hear what so many of you have said

Stop putting my life on hold

Life is too short

Standing for your M is not standing still

I cannot nice her back

Do not look back at this time as a waste

But a time of renewal and rebirth

Soooo....

How do YOU feel about that ^^^ ???

[Gordie]

Mach1

How do I feel about that

I have mixed feelings

But am more at peace within myself

I can sleep again

I hope for a certain outcome

But it is out of my hands

[sjohns6]

Im glad to hear you are more at peace right now

I started trying to think of my W as a phoenix

I picture the death of the old and the phoenix struggling to break through the surface to be reborn

As the phoenix struggles to break free i come in close to get a better view and get stuck by the newly emerging phoenix that is new to this world and trying to gain purchase

the phoenix wasnt trying to hit me with debris but it happened because i come in to close

then i back up a bit to not get hit with debris and watch the newly unfolding creature emerge

i figure if i can stand back and just emerge the phoenix will settle once it is fully born and on steady ground

That may be a silly analogy but it helped me a little

Hope your day is going well Gordie

[Gordie]

S john

Good days are outnumbering bad days

Being able to sleep through the night is amazing

Eighteen months of sleep deprivation was killing me

Is she a phoenix

Maybe

She is definitely going through some sort of transformation

Figuring out who she is

How to deal with the past

What she wants the next chapter in her life to be like

As you said it has been better for me to watch from a distance

Less likely to get burned over here

[Gordie]

Journaling

I followed coach advice and talked to my teens

Reassured them of where things are at present

No guarantees of the future but that I would inform them if things change

I have been single parenting a while now

At all the kid events when I am alone

I have been faking it

Faking that I am happy and okay with this

But I think my faking finally crossed over to making it

I can now do those things with actual gratitude and joy

A genuine appreciation for my time with them

I would not be as involved with my kids had this not happened

And I can be thankful for that

Thankful for this season which is passing

As the older ones head off to college

That I did not miss this

W wants to do a family activity for mother s day and dinner

I said okay and made the reservations

Will get a small present

This is high family season for us

Birthdays and end of school events and father s day

And then our anniversary

Now that there is no pressure to participate

She wants to be at family activities

She has been touching me more in a friendly non sexual way

Peace be with all of you in this dark valley

[SBJ]