New Beginnings.

[focus22]

I know your ex was very successful as well. But seemed more social and charming. Fits more in as a narcissist then my ex?

Huh, so I realised I hadn't answered this point you made.

And I realised because a few days ago, one of my very closest friends used the same word about XH: 'narcissist'. And it jogged my memory that you had used the very same word to describe him too.

She'd met him just once (I think), in passing. But she is a **very** sharp judge of character. She picks up on stuff super fast.

Anyway...narcissist...tbh, I don't know. I know that it might sound weird, and it might be super obvious that he was - and does it even matter at this point anyway?

I guess my perspective on people (men) is a bit skewed by the type of person my dad was (maybe he's still alive, so the type of person he is might be a more accurate way to describe him, although I don't know if he's dead or alive). He had a personality disorder which was at the extreme end of the scale. He would lie about pretty much everything and to everyone if he thought it would get him where he wanted to be: in total control of someone, in every way. Anger and rage like nothing you've seen...not like normal people's anger, more nuclear in level. He was very destructive and very, very violent. He'd use class A drugs because he was bored, and he liked to get others hooked on them as a bit of fun. I'm sure some of you will have met a similar sort of person. Count your blessings if you haven't.

Anyway, I know that I'm drawn to people with big personalities. I find it very easy to be with them, as I know what they want and need. I find it hardest to know what I want and need. Sometimes it can all be bit 'foggy' and undefined. Although if you met me, you wouldn't ever think that.

So no surprise why and how I was attracted to XH really. He had a big personality. I remember thinking at the time (and that's 20 years ago now) that he wasn't a destructive sort of person like my dad, but had more life affirming qualities about him. He did - he was very creative and a lot of fun. But I guess that was also mixed with a very deep insecurity and need for approval. And those aspects of his character ended up running away with him, probably fed by how I behaved towards myself and in our R/M. Actually, I think they would have run away with him anyway, irrespective of me being there or not, or irrespective of how I might have been/acted/behaved, as he was on that path already...it was a part of his character.

I think what I like in people in general - men and women - is people with presence. Presence can be lots of things though: physical size, loudness of voice, charisma, drive and determination, authority. I think what I'm drawn to now though (especially in a partner) is focus and stillness as a type of presence.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this makes any sense, or how it's connected to narcissism. I feel like I've travelled a long way from who I was and how I was when I was with my XH and when I was M. And when I think, it wasn't that long ago in terms of time, but it feels like a lifetime ago as well.

I guess one thing I could do to carry on along this path of self discovery and self improvement is look at the qualities that I'm drawn to in other people and try and nurture them in myself. I mean, what exactly is charisma? Plenty to think about there for starters...

[JujuB]

I think its actually a good sign of healing that things feel like they were a lifetime away!

My ex was not a charismatic type of personality. He was actually very intelligent and the type others relied on when they needed things done perfectly.

But i do remember he could not handle discomfort of any type. He needed instant gratification. Like we were going to a expensive restaurant that was far away and he was hungry, so we actually stopped so he could grab a slice of pizza before we went to the restaurant. Or back when you rented movies... if the movies he wanted to watch were not available because someone else had rented it, he would actually buy the movie for 20 bucks instead of just waiting a week to watch it. I remember way back then, how i thought what a waste of money.

Was your ex like this?

[focus22]

I think its actually a good sign of healing that things feel like they were a lifetime away!

Hopefully. It's such a strange experience, the whole thing. I can't seem to find the right words to describe it. Maybe double edged? While it totally broke me, it also made me. But it all feels finely balanced, on a knife edge. Depending on my state of mind, chance or random things that might happen during the course of a day, the time of year etc, it can feel more like it broke me some days. And then some days it feels like it made me.

But i do remember he could not handle discomfort of any type. He needed instant gratification.

Yes to this. XH hated emotional discomfort in particular (his or other people's). And he really couldn't talk about his feelings - even his closest friends said so. He'd be practically writhing in discomfort with them if things came up. With me he just stonewalled me (I now have a word for what he did to me for many, many years. I didn't understand it at the time). There was no dialogue there, no listening, taking on board and mulling things over, maybe talking about them at a later date. Just stonewalling on his part.

Feelings (especially about major life events, like grief or loss) change with the passing of time. Sometimes the changes are subtle and gradual, sometimes not. How could I have talked to him about any of this when he was so uncomfortable and I felt like he gave nothing back? I'm talking about any of the normal life stuff that happens to people, in the course of a lifetime, as well as the stuff I had to deal with about my dad.

I know the feeling of someone that just listens, does not judge, but is by your side and is on your side. I've had that experience, so I know what that feels like.

Looking back, it didn't feel like he was a companion to me. It felt more like he was living a parallel life, alongside me.

Like we were going to a expensive restaurant that was far away and he was hungry, so we actually stopped so he could grab a slice of pizza before we went to the restaurant. Or back when you rented movies... if the movies he wanted to watch were not available because someone else had rented it, he would actually buy the movie for 20 bucks instead of just waiting a week to watch it. I remember way back then, how i thought what a waste of money.

Was your ex like this?

Kind of. More like, if he wanted to go out, he would. And it would be a big night out, until 5.00/6.00/7.00 in the morning, irrespective of whether he had to get up to go to work the next morning.

I didn't ever feel like there was a sort of 'I'd really like to go out tonight, but I'm going to work tomorrow morning to work on a big project, so I'll maybe wait until the weekend, and then go out', sort of dialogue going on in his head. Or even something like 'I'd really like to go out tonight, but I'm going to work tomorrow morning to work on a big project, so I'll maybe go out but make sure I'm home by 11.00pm'. It was very much what he wanted to do there and then, and in that moment, and tomorrow was going to happen at some point in the future, but he wouldn't worry about that in the moment.

I guess that made me feel like I couldn't make big plans for the future together? We didn't really ever talk about 'the future'. Like how do you picture our life together, where would you like to live, how can we achieve this together....those sorts of questions. There wasn't anything of that, ever.

Actually, thinking about it, I've had more conversations about the future and what we would like it to look like with the wonderful man I'm with in the now almost two years that we've been together, than I ever did in the whole 18 years of having been with my XH. And we haven't even talked about it that much. Maybe because we're older, we live further apart (2 hours drive in his car, or two train journeys for me) so things take a little more organising, he's had conversations like that in the past as he was M and has 2 grown up children. It all feels much more considered, gentle and stable.

Was that immaturity on XH's part? A little on my part, certainly, because I didn't initiate any of those conversations. And on XH's part? Thinking about it, he just seemed to 'go along with things' quite a bit at times. Especially when the EAs/PAs started. There was a woman that was totally **obsessed** with him. She was verging on stalker territory. It maybe started in April/May 2009 and went on for almost a year. I got what she was about straight away, even before I met her (I'm one of those people that are super sensitive to other people's vibes), and I explained how I felt to him about her and the situation. I even pointed out some very specific things she'd said and done that I didn't feel were right, so it wasn't just touchy feely stuff I was talking to him about. Anyway, it was his reaction that upset me more than anything: he did nothing. Ignored me, and did nothing, so it all started to snowball. Over the course of the next year she became more obsessed, and I gradually became more upset. It got to the point where it made me ill and he had to come and collect me from work. And it was my boss (who was very experienced in dealing with stalkers and that sort of behaviour, because of the line of work we were both in) that managed to finally get through to him and make him understand what was happening and how dangerous the situation could be. That's when he finally took some action. It was all stuff I had said over and over during the course of the year. I guess that's when the serious stonewalling started? And maybe that was the first EA he had as well?

2009...if that was the first EA, then I put up with that behaviour for 6 years. And it became increasingly disrespectful on his part, with more serious EAs and PAs, with more serious consequences.

2009 was also the year before my 40th birthday. And it was maybe a year after my gran had died as well? I know I was going through a grief thing at that point and sorting some major family stuff out as part of it. What crappy behaviour on his part. At the point where I needed him to just be there and be alongside me while I was going through this, he started behaving like that...like a spoilt child who wasn't getting enough attention.

Thinking all of that, I feel disillusioned with the choices he made, how he behaved and the person that he showed himself to be. And I also feel that I deserve so much better than any of that.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that rings any bells with you or not. I wasn't sure what I was going to say when I started answering, but I seem to have said quite a lot.

[focus22]

Just reminded of something else...

When we first met he had just finished college. He used to be horrendously late for everything, including work. By which I mean a couple of hours, standard.

I remember getting to a point where I would deliberately arrange to meet somewhere that wasn't my house, and i would only wait 15 minutes for him and then leave. This was before mobile phones, so there was no way of getting in touch with someone if you got to where you were supposed to meet them and they weren't there for whatever reason.

I also remember saying to him that however good he was at what he did, in his field of work, if he was gonna be late like that people wouldn't hire him again. They would pick someone who could do an OK job, but who would be there when they were supposed to, over him, any day.

That seemed to snap him out of the being late for work thing. And he would be quite good at calling ahead if he thought he would even be late. I guess he could see quite clearly how changing his behaviour would benefit him in that respect.

Oh well. I suddenly feel really, really tired and drained.

[focus22]

Well, work has slowed down after being utterly hectic for 2 months.

I didn't really have any time for running/anything fitness or for house stuff or for any sort of social activity during those two months and I could definitely feel the strain, mentally.

I'm back to running, gym, sorting my house and seeing friends now, as well as seeing my wonderful companion.

Part of me was dreading going back to the house stuff, looking through things and deciding what to donate or keep, as I just remember how gosh darn painful it was when I started this whole process.

I've had a little session sorting some things out this afternoon for a hour or so, and I have to say, I'm finding house stuff much easier that I thought it would have been. I'd still like to do more though, much more. I find the whole process very therapeutic and very, very liberating. And I'm enjoying the feeling of moving forward with my life.

Part of what I need to try and work out is, fair enough, if I have a whole weekend free and can get really stuck into something and I can turn it all upside down, decide what's going and tidy the rest back (until the next time). But it's rare that I have so much free time at once. I might have an afternoon, or an evening, or a few hours one morning. And I don't really want to pull something apart, leave it messy for however long, and then go back to it a few days or a week later.

So what can I do that is smaller, bite sized chunks? Maybe just one shelf at a time? One drawer?

I still have to finish the one cupboard that I have in my house. I think I'm about 80-90% there - a first sort at least. I know I could go through things again and donate more things. Now that I understand the process and I'm enjoying it, it's much easier and less exhausting. Anyway, things in that cupboard are tidily put away, so I know what is where and can get my hands on things easily...mostly. I just threw a whole bunch of totally random stuff in on the floor at the end, and the middle bit is super messy because of that.

I also have to finish my wardrobe, two parts of it in particular.

Why all this house chat? I bought a new sofa and it's arriving Wednesday. There's a bunch of random stuff under my old sofa and behind it too. Gah...it feels like a big job.

The sofa was a wedding present. Maybe that's why it feels like a big job. Don't get me wrong, I'm really looking forward to having a new sofa. One that isn't broken like my old one (if ever there was a metaphor...lol!).

[Dawn70]

I find that sorting and "bingeing" extremely cathartic. I have pretty much rid my house of almost all items that were in my marital home, with the exception of the big pieces of furniture that I really liked and don't really want to spend the money to replace at this point.

[focus22]

Weird, isn't it? Just how much better it makes you feel?

I was supposed to meet my mum today, but she's not feeling too good. So I'm home instead, and I've thrown myself into tackling under and behind the sofa.

I've also looked into the cupboard a bit, just to assess the situation. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. And I really don't have too much to do in there to make it nice and super functional.

Anyway, under and behind the sofa was a place I used to put stuff when I was at the beginning of this whole process, well over a year and a half ago now. So I've been pulling stuff out, having a quick look over and binning or donating some of it.

I've been listening to some of 'The Minimalists' podcasts as I'm doing it.

I still feel a little angsty and overwhelmed by it. But some of the stuff that I had obviously struggled with last time and kept last time seems downright odd now. Was I really so out of my mind? Or has my peace of mind and clarity increased so much? Or maybe there's a bit of both happening?

I've also been for blood tests this morning. My doctor is checking if I'm anaemic or if I have something up with my thyroid. Should have the results of the test on Friday and then we'll decide on what to do (if anything).

[Dawn70]

Weird, isn't it? Just how much better it makes you feel?


I still feel a little angsty and overwhelmed by it. But some of the stuff that I had obviously struggled with last time and kept last time seems downright odd now. Was I really so out of my mind? Or has my peace of mind and clarity increased so much? Or maybe there's a bit of both happening?

TOTALLY understand that feeling. When my XH first moved out of our marital home, we had divided everything and since he was moving out of state to be with his new love, he basically left me all of our marital memories to deal with. One of the things that I, oddly, held on to at first was our collection of Christmas tree ornaments. Each year, on our anniversary (late October), we would buy a new Christmas tree ornament and personalize it with our names, the year, and how many years we had been together. Of course, he left that box with me. So, when we sold the marital home and I moved to a smaller place, I took the box with me. To this day, I don't really know why. I guess a part of me felt guilty for just throwing away things that we'd spent good money on because we didn't buy little cheap dollar store ornaments (thought that is all I have on my tree now and there is certainly nothing wrong with that). I purged a lot when I moved from our marital home to the little duplex in our town to start over, but I just couldn't get rid of those ornaments. When I moved from that duplex to my current home when I got my new job 2 years post divorce, I purged again and that time, I DID let the ornaments go because donating them was pointless.....who was going to want ornaments that said "Dawn and XH" along with a year. And, now, while I certainly am not minimalist, I do find myself going through and purging occasionally, donating much of the stuff to a local thrift store. I just did a purge when I put out seasonal décor. I have a ton of Halloween and fall stuff and I just decided to let go of the Halloween stuff and JUST do fall from Sept. through Nov. so my daughters are going to go through my Halloween stuff and whatever they don't select will get a one-way ride to the thrift store next week.

I don't know why I find that particular process so cathartic, but I'm hoping it is a good sign for my old age....that I don't want to hang on to a bunch of stuff. Another thing I purged when I moved to my current location was all my old school yearbooks. They just took up space on a shelf but NEVER got looked at and it just hit me one day that at some point, when I die, my family is going to have to deal with all this stuff and that was one less thing they have to mess with. In retrospect, I probably should have taken them to the school to see if the library wanted them, but I just ended up boxing them up and sending them to the paper recycling center in town.

So very cathartic...........................

[focus22]

Ah yes, he left everything behind when he left. And I mean **everything** (including passport). And all his post still came here for ages afterwards. I had to deal with **everything**.

I guess that's what kickstarted this whole process. Once I'd removed things that were his, parcelled them all up and arranged for his mum/sister to pick them up, I had found it so cathartic that I started on my own stuff as well.

Don't get me wrong, it was all excruciatingly painful, but the benefit was somehow greater than the pain in the end.

I have a few things, in a small box, in the corner of my cupboard, up high (they include all the photographs of us together). Perhaps I'll sort through that at some point in the future. But for now, I'm OK with that. I'm currently working sorting through some other things and making space.

It was mostly my clothes that I got rid of when I went through my things the first time round. And certainly all the clothes I'd been wearing whenever we were all together (me, XH and OW), even though they were things I'd maybe only worn once or twice. They just felt...I don't know...like desperately unhappy things. I told myself I could buy myself new versions of them if I really wanted to. But I haven't. I haven't wanted to.

Then I'd lost so much weight that stuff like the jeans been wearing were just too big for me. So that was easy.

I had duplicates of some things, like a specific colour of t shirt. So I keep the newer version and donated the slightly older one (which still looked new). I'm thinking I could actually go through this process again at some point in the future. And it would be easier now, as there is less stuff to start with and it's better organised too.

My style has changed over the past few years going through all of this process. I never used to wear dresses, but now I do and really enjoy it (especially those retro 1950s type ones). I've had the best compliments ever when I've been wearing them - which have mostly been from women by the way, and some compliments from women I don't even know, from total strangers. I also wear much shorter skirts now, and shorts as well.

I guess I don't feel self conscious now, whereas, looking back, I think I felt very self conscious before, when the EAs/PAs were going on. But wouldn't you, if you were an unwilling part of the 'pick me' dance?

Books and CDs I've kept. They feel less personal. Although there might be some books that were mine all along that I might want to donate.

So, I feel good today. I feel like I've done a lot of 'background' sorting stuff that's been on my mind for a while and I've wanted to do for a while, but haven't been able to because of work. I still have some general tidying to do in the next couple of days (washing to put away, bathroom to clean, bedroom to hoover, bed linen to wash).

But I'm ready to say goodbye to my old (wedding present) sofa, and have my lovely new one in my life.

[focus22]

It's coming up to BD anniversary time (11 October), so I'm feeling a little angsty I guess. I had a nightmare last night, woke up at 3.30am this morning and haven't been able to get back to sleep.

Trying to appreciate how far I've come. One of the ways has been to be able to stand pretty far back from it all and see some major patterns.

Something I already knew, but has really struck me this morning. In the space of 8 years I had 3 major losses (as well as my mum being diagnosed with a degenerative illness, and a court case against an ex work colleague).

2 of those major losses were family members I was really close to. I didn't get any support from my XH over those. And I didn't get any support over the court case either. That's pretty crappy behaviour from a spouse in my eyes. I deserved better than that.

I'm going to make today the best day I can for myself.