Caz, I'm not sure how to measure my level of detachment. I still miss my husband but I don't call or contact him at all. Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciated all of your kind words last fall when I was going through those health problems. That was a terrible time and I'm grateful for your support!
Arsh, thanks. I don't have much hope that I'll be with my husband again in the future. I'm thankful that we didn't get divorced immediately because I would have been like you breaking down in the mediator's office. On the other hand I've had to adapt to complete uncertainty about the future, not knowing when we'll get divorced, how long I'll spend my life alone, and whether I'll ever meet someone else. In the slim chance my husband would try to return to fix things I believe it would happen around Thanksgiving of this year. This is my his favorite holiday and it's a sentimental one for him because we always spent it together. This past Thanksgiving when we were already separated he sent me a late night text saying "I'm so sorry for everything." It's just like you not being able to predict what will happen with your husband. I don't even want to think about my husband potentially wanting to reconcile because it creates too many emotions and it would be so complicated. I just don't think it will happen though. He's attracted to too many other women now to see me as he used to.
All, another quick update. My husband just called to ask how our daughter is doing. He called while she's at school and he knows she's not home. I said a few words about an illness she's been having and I thought he'd go after that but he hung on to talk more. I then said I'll have her call him when she gets back. It's a small thing, but another sign that he's thinking of our daughter and feels comfortable again calling me directly to ask about her. Not a sign of reconciliation, but at least our daughter is on his agenda.
It is a small, positive sign. But don't stop doing what you're doing. Don't put too much weight in it either. You don't know why he's doing it at the end of the day.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovrrnbw, thanks. I won't make any changes on my end. I'm mainly documenting these changes to show how a crisis can eventually pass and normal communications & interactions can resume. A few months ago when my husband wanted to divorce he barely saw our daughter for ten minutes every week or two. Didn't care if we were alive or dead. Never called. Blamed us for everything wrong in his life. Each small positive step is good for our daughter who is the most important person in this situation. I hope I can do the right thing on my end to help my husband and daughter have a healthy relationship and to be as close as possible. I want to protect her in case he disappears again but I also want them to know each other. If anything ever happens to me, God forbid, my daughter will only have her father. Any advice for helping to facilitate the best possible outcome is welcome.
Hi Nicole, I say do not try to build a R between H and your D. He is her father needs to do it on his own. I understand you want them to have a bond with or without the MR, but that should come from him without you facilitating it only then will it be genuine and lasting and there would not be a situation that it will fizzle away hurting your D. I am glad he is trying to build a good R with your D, dont stand in the way but again dont steer it in the way you think it should proceed. Just stand back and watch, if our kids get to have their fathers it a blessing.
Hi All, I keep seeing all of the suicide coverage in the news. I keep remembering my husband begging to come home and saying he'd kill himself two-and-a-half years ago. Then I remember how he hugged me this week and I was reminded that you never know how fragile another person can be or what they're thinking. I'll continue to practice DB techniques but every single aspect of our situations are so hard to grasp, particularly when you don't know if your spouse is mentally ill or just a selfish person who chose a destructive path. I'm aware of the need to focus on ourselves and know we can't control our spouses but I do want to avoid any wrong moves that could push a suicidal spouse to suicide.
Arsh, thanks for your response. I stopped asking my husband to do anything for our daughter a while back, but I hope to maintain a positive relationship with him so he's more likely to visit our daughter. It's hard to explain but basically I don't want his anger at me to cause him to avoid seeing our daughter because it means he'd have to see me. So far we're doing better....I just hope it'll keep getting better. Not in terms of reconciliation but helping my husband feel comfortable visiting our daughter and giving him easy access to her so they can build a relationship. Most of the families in this forum seem to consist of parents who are both involved in their kids' lives and share responsibilities but that hasn't been the case with my husband. He's spent very little time with our daughter and he's just now starting to show more interest. We'll see how it goes.
Nicole, I am concerned that his interest in seeing your daughter is driven by his family rather than internally, and therefore won't last. Maybe I don't understand Middle Eastern culture, but I could see his parents telling him he needed to see his daughter before you taint her against him.
Something else I was thinking about regarding you.... you say he has provided you with money. Have you ever been to a lawyer, to see just how much alimony pen dente lite and child support you might be entitled to under the law? You might think he's being generous, but actually be entitled to significantly more. It wouldn't hurt you to check. Also, having a court order would make you immune to a change in heart by him.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
if your spouse is mentally ill or just a selfish person who chose a destructive path
I'm not sure there is a difference. Suicide is the most selfish act one can do. My family has suicide in its history and its something I'll never understand nor will I ever sympathize with. The aftermath effect on those that care about the person is devastating.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm sorry but suicide is not a selfish act. No more than dying of cancer is a selfish act. Depression is a terrible life-threatening disease associated with biological markers like brain inflammation, gut dysbiosis and vitamin and hormone deficiencies. It's as deadly as cancer and not just a "selfish" choice. They're too impaired to make a rational choice.
if your spouse is mentally ill or just a selfish person who chose a destructive path
I'm not sure there is a difference. Suicide is the most selfish act one can do. My family has suicide in its history and its something I'll never understand nor will I ever sympathize with. The aftermath effect on those that care about the person is devastating.
I see someone has a very poor understanding of mental health. It's an actual illness, like cancer. My mother had a serious mental health condition which ended in suicide.
Imagine, you have cancer, they tell you there is no more that can be done for it, and you decide to go on hospice. Are you being "selfish" for making that decision? For not wanting to suffer anymore.
Sometimes there isn't enough medication to help depression and mental illness. It can't be cured. And that, sadly enough, is going on hospice for them.
Sorry, hot button topic for me. I hope you never have to know the pain of having a disease that makes living absolutely unbearable to you.
