Folks, you are entitled to your opinion. I have had people in my family that are very close to me commit suicide. I see the after effects, some have lasted for decades.
Ginger, said "I'll never understand", so I agree with you that my understanding is very poor. And it isn't for a lack of studying the issue nor for a lack of having to deal with it.
This is a very hot button issue for me too. I have said all I will say on the subject. Peace. (Note, my originally typed out answer was as snarky, if not more so, than the responses I've already received on this issue. However, I went back and unsnarked it. I think we could have had a good discussion related to this without the personal attacks, but that ship already sailed.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oops, second paragraph should have read: "Ginger, I said "I'll never understand", so I agree with you that my understanding is very poor. And it isn't for a lack of studying the issue nor for a lack of having to deal with it."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Jim, thanks for your thoughts. For better or worse, I don't think my husband's family is a factor. His mother has severe dementia and can't function on her own. His father hasn't seemed to influence much since my husband spends most of his time with his father and brothers when he comes to our city. If his father was encouraging him to spend time with our daughter then he wouldn't host him the whole time at their place. One of my friends here knows my husband's brother and said her husband saw him somewhere and my husband's brother expressed his disagreement at what my husband's done to us. So I guess my husband's increased interest in our daughter is driven by him, but he could fade away at any time. It would almost be better if someone else was involved but that doesn't seem to be the case. I did also see a lawyer prior to moving up here and we determined that what my husband would need to pay each month is the same as what he's paying now. He's actually paying for everything - I only just got paid for the first time last week and now I have debt on my credit card which I've never had before so I need to pay that off. The main benefit if we were to divorce right now would be to ask my husband to pay off the credit card debt, since he can afford to do so if he re-prioritizes, and to ask for an emergency fund-type lump sum of cash because I depleted my own savings over the past five years for our previous crises when our daughter was born and I needed a live-in nanny. I'm putting the financial conversation on hold for the time being until I get a better sense of what I can earn here where we're at, being the sole care taker of our daughter, and until we sell our house where my husband resides.
Steve and KML, suicide does seem selfish in the sense that it punishes those who are left behind but it seems that people who do it don't see another option. I volunteered for a suicide hotline many years ago and people who called saying they were about to commit suicide were known to call because they wanted someone to talk them out of it. Someone who actually does it without any advance warning must be truly ill. It's hard to understand. I just don't want to wake up one day and learn my husband killed himself. This drives me to try to be as kind as possible given what he's done to us.
All, this is just a general complaint, but my daughter and I have been sick for most of the past month and currently my daughter's been off school for most of the past week. I've had to take time off work and we're just stuck at home most of the time and my daughter keeps crying all day from strep throat pain that hasn't improved with antibiotics. These are times when I'd give anything to have a partner to help out. My friend sent me a message yesterday saying she had a headache and her husband took their daughter out for the whole day while she rested. It's such a luxury when there are two parents to help care for children.
You've mentioned in the past about not trusting your husband to take your daughter overnight. I know you've said that he's taken her for a few hours at a time Maybe you should let him work up to overnights. Let him take her to his brothers for a few hours more each time, until she spends the night.
I know that the time away would stress you out initially, but after you are comfortable that he can adequately care for her, it will open up new worlds for you.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Nicole, I understand you fully dear. It must be so hard to be a single mom while both you and your D are sick. And wanting your D to have a father while you may or may not have a H is also just and exactly what a good mom would want. You seem to have a lot of forgiveness for your H, at some point though stop giving him the benefit of doubt. It may be hard for you to detach if you still want to find some reason for his irrational behavior.
I think Jim has a good point, may be start sending your D to stay with H for one night at a time. This may help them build a stronger bond and give you a much needed break.
I've been wanting to respond to everyone's posts and update my own thread but my daughter and I seem to be endlessly sick.
Jim, thanks for your suggestion. I'd love to do try to the overnight visits but they aren't practical at this time. When my husband comes from out-of-state he stays with his family. There are four of them crammed into a small apartment all sleeping together and the apartment isn't even remotely clean, not to mention they all stay awake until 1:00 or 2:00 AM every night and sleep late the next day. My husband has never cared for our daughter, much less any child, at night and hasn't expressed any interest in doing so. He has no tolerance when our daughter cries and leaves the house or closes the door so I can calm her down. My daughter's also never slept away from me before and I anticipate it would be a disaster to send her to my husband's family's place even if he was willing. It's an hour away so I imagine him driving her back here screaming at 3:00 AM and then not coming again for months due to the trauma. At this time I don't see it as an option but it'd be great if I could do that. I've never even seen a movie or gone out with friends in the evening in the four years since our daughter was born. She's always been with me and even sleeps in the same bed as me. I write all that just because there are some solutions that make so much sense, like this one, but I don't know how to work around these barriers to ensure it'd be a success. Maybe when my husband moves up to this city in a year (if ever) and has his own place he can try to host her. By that time she'll be five and hopefully more independent.
Arsh, thanks for your empathy. Most of the time I feel just clueless about my husband and don't know whether he deserves forgiveness, sympathy, a jail sentence, or to be completely ignored but I'm trying to be friendly and cooperative for our daughter's sake. If / when we get divorced, which is the most likely outcome, how we communicate beyond that will probably depend on the fairness of the divorce and how it addresses our needs on both sides. I also know I became an abusive terrible wife after his first affair so I want to improve myself as a person. I also know people who battle mental illness sometimes can't control their actions although no one has definitively diagnosed my husband with anything but suicide is always a concern.
The general update is that my husband calls every day but there hasn't been much new. Our daughter and I have been really sick and once on the phone I kind of lost it for five seconds and I expected my husband to get mad and hang up like he did with my illness last fall but instead he was empathetic and said "I know I'm so sorry for everything you're going through." He prescribed medication that our daughter's pediatrician didn't want to prescribe and it finally helped her, so I thanked him a lot for that.
My husband had said a few weeks ago he was arranging to come and join us on a weekend trip to a nearby city but he either forgot or made other plans because he never mentioned it again and didn't come. He said he was going to come this week, but he called a while ago and still didn't mention anything about when he might come. I didn't ask because I don't want him to think we're waiting for him.
It's kind of strange at times. I don't ask my husband anything about his life at all, so I have no idea what's happening with him. He may be in a full relationship with another woman going out every other night and making plans for the future or he may be lonely and depressed. I have no clue. He doesn't ask me much either, and I don't volunteer an information, so he doesn't know anything about me except what relates to our daughter and finances.
My friend over the weekend was encouraging me to decide how long I'll stay this way but I don't know. I'm not looking for advice necessarily but I want to say that right now I prefer to leave the future open-ended for as long as possible. I have my own career and financial goals and our daughter has her own development goals but I have no relationship goals. I guess unless there's a miracle and the right man magically appears I'll be single for a long time because I just can't imagine dating.
I also know I became an abusive terrible wife after his first affair so I want to improve myself as a person.
I know it is not inherent but go easy on yourself. He did cheat on you and break the basic building block of a MR. Forgiveness for such things takes time, you are human and would react like anybody else would. That does not mean he would take off again, since he did it only shows he was not done with that need in him yet. Stay strong and hugs to both of you.
I've never even seen a movie or gone out with friends in the evening in the four years since our daughter was born.
Seriously???? She's never had a babysitter? It's time you found one. Even if she just comes and stays with you while you're home working at first, once she gets used to someone and you feel you can trust that person, you NEED to be able to get out and be an adult once in a while.
Arsh, that's right. He feels he missed out on life and isn't done yet having fun, so even when he came back the first time I guess he still felt the need to live out his dreams so he left again.
KML, she's had a babysitter and even an Au Pair (live-in nanny) but for various reasons I've never been able to go out at night. Everyone's always watched her during the day while I work. At night I usually drop dead plus in the places where I've lived, sitters want $20 per hour so even a night out will easily cost $100 plus whatever I do out which is too much of a luxury. I did find someone in my new building who I hope to use to go to the local divorce care group. We've been sick so I haven't been able to schedule her yet but I hope to do it soon.
My friend used to trade babysitting with some friends of hers. She watched their two kids one night a week while the parents had "date night"; in exchange, a couple of times a year they would take her son for a week while she was on tour.
