I know you're trying to tell me something, but I'm just not clear on it...
Jim -
M and I are still seeing each other. I think we have enriched each other's lives and been of great comfort to each other in a dark ordeal.
And we now know that there are people in our age range who are attracted and attractive to us, which is frankly a relief.
I don't know what will happen with us, but I DO know that I cannot make a commitment to him. I know I need to date other men AND to be on my own a lot longer. The temptation to marry sooner, b/c x h is marrying so soon, did happen but was only brief...and all about my ego.
As objectively as I can say, x is a fool for remarrying OW and to marry so fast. Just crazy. And oblivious to the appearance to ALL who knew US as a family --
that he's doing it to validate his choice to blow up a family and 35 year marriage and God only knows how he justifies the time/situation he left me in.
(I assume he hides that all) .
So, with M, I have mentioned many times that I need to be on my own and that I plan on going abroad soon. (I told him that on our first date).
When he asked what he's going to do without me (in a nice way), I reminded him that he "will date other women", b/c he's coming out of a long m too.
Note - M has been separated for 4+years- wanting out of his m, and that's a lot longer than me.
I've been very honest with him and I don't want to be hurt or to hurt him. But we all face those risks every time we date.
Like I said, he's been a great comfort in a hard time.
A few months ago there was a break in of cars in my condo's garage. Then another one and it was caught on film and really creepy to see. That happened 2 weeks ago, and M and I went to Home Depot and he installed a new deadbolt lock in my condo.
Things like that^^ mean he cares, and that means a lot to me. But I have a lot more healing and exploring to do before anything gets decided.
And he's NOT asking me to decide anything, which is also helpful.
Any news on your front?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You sound (read) so solid and strong! Excellent point about taking the time you need and not settling in too soon. This guy may try and date, but he will surly be thinking of you :-)
I would love to see your stand up too! If you end up in the SF Bay Area, give me a shout :-) We could also meet & chat it up for hours I am sure. Unless of course by then you are famous and don't have time for me. lol.
Keep on keepin on, sister!
-- for all the posters looking for DB success stories, start right here. 25. SUCCESS! --
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
So I'm officially enrolled in the certification course to go overseas in the fall and teach. It is very intense and a part of me worries that I'm not the same, cognitively, as I was when I had the seizures and the medication I take does seem to distract me. But I'm a good reader so if I must, I'll read things 2-3 times to remember what I need to remember.
After I finish late this summer, I'll head overseas. I do not know where I'm headed yet, but (for the moment) I'm okay not having all the answers.
I only know that there's the biggest global refugee crisis since WWII, and now is the only time in my life I can maybe DO something to help, other than shaking my head and sending $50.
Teaching English is a start. And I get to have my grand adventure. Maybe I'll be able to use my legal training too. This ^^^^ move would not be the possible if I were still married to X.
X will marry very soon, (maybe tomorrow? Our anniversary was 8/8/81 and if his new one can be 5/5/2018, it'll be easier for him to remember, what with the old double digit thing).
I awoke around 4 am this morning angry, again! Thinking of how he blames me for HIS life issues. What I'd say to him...how I'd correct his memory...
Our whole marital history is crap now, and only HE worked hard while I ---
see, I don't even know what his narrative is, anymore. His email to me about taxes turned snotty so fast, I literally laughed.
And I know that d20 told him that unless he admitted to being abusive to me, she could not have a relationship with him.
(I must admit I almost laughed at that one. Can you imagine x slapping his forehead and saying "You're RIGHT! I was a really nasty jerk! I was abusive! Thanks for enlightening me! NOW we can be close, right??")
But d20 tried to stop his blame shifting and for that, I'll always be grateful. Reminds me of myself at that age. And his blame shifting is really kind of insane.
So I snapped out of this fruitless waste of time, with me thinking I can fix his memory.
The truth conflicts with his narrative so why on earth would HE hear it now, from ME?? He can't even invite our kids to his new "love of his life" wedding. God forbid they say something...and seeing myself or our marriage thru HIS eyes is looking with crazy eyes.
Anyhow, I'm going to visit my older kids for Mothers Day in CA, and then will see d20 later this month.
...hmm...I'm sure it must be b/c of x getting married this month, that it triggers in me the desire to remarry or commit.
Like I don't want to look as if I'm the "loser in the contest." After all, if 25 isn't in a committed r, it must mean she's not desirable and THIS proves it!
(I'm still seeing M, FTR).
I've learned some hard hard lessons this past 18 months and one of those lessons is,
don't react to your pain so fast.
It'll pass, or you'll change something to process it, and it'll be alright. X could never be alone. Ever.
Besides, I very much want to take the next steps in my life on my own. I don't want another person to be the reason I live OR do not live, in a given place...at least not for a long time.
If that means I'm missing some great love opportunity, then so be it.
I know I deeply loved x from the age of 19 - all my adult life.
You know, a healthy way to view that is that It's pretty cool to know I could sustain that type of love through thick and thin, for decades and always see x in the best light.
I really can love well. I just have to balance that against being blind to sh1tty treatment.
There are still moments when I see something on TV and want to turn and ask x what he thinks of that. (I wonder when that ends. The feeling that we "belong" to each other or with each other. It was SO LONG A MARRIAGE...)
I can see replacing the spouse with a new one (No - not defending it, just that I can understand it.) Definitely distracts you from any loss - b/c you plugged the hole with a plug...now there's no hole. What hole? What loss?
But I cannot see how x replaces our kids, though. OW has a d17, is that enough?
Maybe in his head - he feels that 1) our kids were never grateful enough for HIS hard work
or 2) he will rebuild and reconnect LATER...
always with the LATER...our m was mostly about x working towards something around the corner and THEN we'd have family time,
THEN we'd have enough money (b/c h never ever thought we did).
he was always striving, never arriving. Of course, maybe x is so very different from me that losing our kids wasn't that painful for him. I believe he loved them, but he loved himself so much more, and never, EVER handled conflict well.
His seething, lingering resentment was nurtured with his selfishness and his utter inability to simply work thru something hindered healthy problem solving.
X could not give in if something was important to HIM. I can't think of a single time x gave up something he really wanted, for very long. And when he did postpone it, he resented it without admitting it. He once said "Alaska is off the table. It was a mistake."
But I guess he missed it and then coveted it and hated ME for not guessing and then giving it to him.
Well, soon enough I'll be very busy with my new life and hopefully will crowd out these thoughts, questions and my own anger, and feeling of loss.
Just fyi, I DO realize the "loss" of him is also a positive, b/c I have "lost" the negative undermining and belittling that I did not really see at the time, but I do now.
Removing THAT negativity is a positive and my self doubts are decreasing.
My life has more peace in it now. He broke my heart, and did it at the time I was most vulnerable. But I am healing. And I AM moving forward and I can honestly say that if I had gone to Alaska with him,
OMG even assuming he were not with an OW, (which is a big assumption) he was not treating ME WELL.
That's what I have to remind myself of.
Whether he's had a character transplant for OW and all the stuff he posts on Instagram and FB with HER IN THE PHOTO WITH HIM (a thing x never did with us, or our kids)
is true, even if his life is FANTASTIC now, it wasn't for me. And it would not have magically become that.
And the other thing is, I don't know truly "healthy/happy" people my age who post like that.
So over the top. So in my face and in our kids' faces. I'm waiting to see OW's daughter in the photos so he can pretend he has a family...
b/c he makes no mention of OUR family in his professional profile. UGH, he is a monster.
For the record, I hear of his social media posts. I do not stalk him or look at all. Or OW.
That's my update for now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
he posts on Instagram and FB with HER IN THE PHOTO WITH HIM (a thing x never did with us, or our kids)
If he never did that it was because he had other women that he didn't want to see his family. However far that goes back, that's probably how far back he was cheating.
I was getting my hair done today and one of the other patrons is living in a village in France teaching English. It sounded idyllic!
