Let me clarify. What I view as a man isn't what you might think. Strong and confident, who isn't afraid of strong woman, who is driven and goes for what they desire in life, without running over people to get it. A man is someone who isn't passive, can make a decision, but can consider what others might want at the same time. A man to me is in touch with his emotions an doesn't afraid to show them. A man is someone who isn't afraid to do a little work for the good things in life.
Passive isn't for my quite honeslty. My ex was passive. he wanted everything his way, but expected me to make it happen. exNG was passive in that he couldn't take an active role in a relationship and was just along for the ride. He just wants a woman who is simply "there". FF was not passive and I appreciated that. He made decisions, plans, and was sweet, yet assertive.
Andrew, let me pick your brain. This woman sounds a lot like me and I understand where she is coming from. I wouldn't complain to my date about these things and call guys babies, but I feel as she does. When you are alone for so long and responsible for your own life and others for so long, you don't want to be taking care of another guy too! You want someone who adds to your life who compliments you. Walls are initially up when you are doing it all on your own, and you are responisbile for other little lives. I probably come off as hard when I fist get to know a guy. Then my walls come down. Anyone who knows ME knows I am quite mushy. So what is it that made her not a good match? I mean, I would agree, the two of you are at different stages in life and lived your lives very differently. That makes views and what you are used to very different and are fundamental difference.
And , I do admit, yes, a muscular guy with a beard getting dirty and fixing stuff is a huge turn on. Doodler in a dress, not so much
Ginger - I assure you that both doodler and I are (I presume) capable of impressive beards given the occasion. I have photographic proof of mine that you would need to cajole mutual Facebook acquaintances to point you towards if you care to see You'll have to just assume that we look alike other than our choices in evening-wear. My ex was "understanding" about my annual beard. She would complain that it was like kissing someone through a washcloth although she would lay with her head on my chest stroking and scritching my beard once it got to an scritchable length. Sigh. The guy she left me for seems to have this straggly sort of thing going on which I'm presume she's fine with.
It's difficult to describe exactly where it didn't connect with my date. Since you asked I'll try to parse it apart with a couple of different examples. I'd also suggest that you look back in your postings to me from I believe the fall of 2016 where I clearly remember you chastising me and pointing out how unattractive you found me and how you were sure I would never find love being the kind of guy I was (and still am). Sorry if that bit seems harsh. I'm a forgiving kind of guy but have a long memory. You didn't find me attractive then and were very blunt about it and - the feeling was mutual. However I can still be on friendly terms with people who I have disagreed with which is why I'm still here. I do think though that we certainly wouldn't be compatible in most social circumstances. Online is a different world.
My date was with the lady who owns the book shop - let's call her BL. I also know the lady from the flower show - FG and the teller from the bank BG. Of those last two I did ask FG out in early 2017 and she initially said yes but then backed off when (I believe) she couldn't figure out how to fit dating me with raising a toddler. There are another couple of ladies who I know who I am also interested in, but they fall into similar molds.
BL is very intellectual and really has her act together. In our earlier conversation when I suggested that if she wanted to get together that she should contact me, she showed some empathy for my situation. When we were together the first part of the date felt like an interview. We did chat about a number of topics including some research and papers she'd done which I was not aware of and was very interesting but I didn't feel any "empathy". Not that I was looking for someone to feel sorry for me but more that I wanted to feel that they cared.
FG who I see every week is a creative person who is dealing with a lot of personal stuff. One thing that attracts me to her and also was a key thing in the early days when I met my ex - was the fact that when we talk she pays attention and "remembers". She takes an interest in my challenges with housekeeping and laughs - with me - at my struggles. I've gotten to know her a bit (she's very reserved), her mother, co-workers, I've met her son (who is a nice kid and "very" busy). Neither of us tries to "fix" the other person or their situation although I have to watch my tendency to be a "white knight" and have never suggested that I could make her life better beyond joking that I could borrow her son for an afternoon and let her make use of the cast iron tub and bubble bath I have that is behind two lockable doors.
BG is different again. She is one of those people who thinks things through and even when she "knows" she has the right answer will admit to the possibility of being wrong. I have seen (and joked with her about) the surreptitious fist pumps she does when she is right and everyone else is wrong. We talk mostly about her boys (of whom she is both frustrated and incredibly proud), her love of coffee and the girly girl things she does. She is also very capable and is one of the best people I've ever met at dealing with problem customers. Just like FG she listens and remembers about what I talk about and can probably tell you the ages and interests of my children and list my cousins who are also customers of that bank along with my challenges with housekeeping which we joke about. Also like FG she is very much a self-rescuing Princess. (side note - Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch is a favourite book) It was actually her co-workers who pointed out how fabulous of a cook she was even after well over a year of her hearing about how I struggled in the kitchen. She never offered to "fix things" nor gave me instructions. She was just sympathetic and understanding.
To be far too romantic for a moment - the concept of "eyes you can fall into" is a very real thing for guys - at least for me. We don't need to be fixed. We don't need to be catered to. We don't even need to feel that we are powerful or heroes. We just want to know that someone cares and that someone understands.
You'll notice perhaps that I've not mentioned anything about the age or appearance of any of these very nice people. They are all attractive to me, even superficially even though one is a older than me, one is rather heavy, and one is rather tall.
Now with all this said - I think we will still agree that I'm not your "type", nor are you mine. The world is full of a wide variety of wonderful people who intersect in different ways. What would work on me may well not be applicable to the sort of partner who you are best matched with.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I want to sincerely apologize, because what I said was obviously hurtful to you, and that was not my intention at ALL. I never said I didn't find you attractive. True, we may not be eachother's type, but when I post, I do not post from my POV. In terms of DB there are actions that LBS take or make, that WAS find unattractive. God knows I was one of the most unattractive messes! When I look back, the things I did after bomb drop were very unattractive. I can admit it. It got me further away from my goal (which I am actually thankful for).
Never, ever ever did I think you wouldn't find love being who you are. I am very sorry I made you feel that way. I have just been on these boards for so long and I have learned so much from being on these threads and the recent experieces with people IRL, that I have the ability to do what we should never do as DB'ers: mindread. I have a pretty good idea from what is described what the WAS is thinking. And I have seen so many scenarios play out. Though it may seem harsh, it could be awfully helpful. I always left you with the disclaimer of what a mess I was and how I learned from trial and error and that I have pretty much been in everyone's shoes at one point or another.
So, I am sorry I made you feel that way. Yeah, we may not be a match, but I never mean to put you down or disrespect you. All come here hurt and broken. I have spent so much time on these boards posting to others because people here saved my life, literally. So I never come with the intention to hurt, only to help as I have been.
About your experiences, I have learned to let guys be "the man". On my first date with FF we went to this speakeasy and it had all these old fashioned drinks. He asked me what I wanted and I told him he could choose a drink for me. He told me how much he liked that about me. I do not get jealous when another guy spends time with his friends or is around other women. but I pretend like I do sometimes, because it helps to make a man feel desired and not like I don't care. I am very much an empath and when I do let people in, I let them in too much. I have had a very intense connection on all levels and it was pretty amazing.
I do believe relationships work better when you are in similar stages of life. I have dated guys 12-15 years my senior, but we were in similar stages with similar experiences.
Andrew, I do see you being really happy with a woman, perhaps divorced, who was married and had a partner and grown kids and is empty nesting alone and is looking for someone to share their life with. There is a lid for every pot out there, so they say, and no one is unlovable, except maybe, my ex, haha!
If only you could see me rocking that little dress; my sultry muscular legs stepping to the beat of the music whilst I do the booty dance. You'd be a festering cesspool of desire...
If only you could see me rocking that little dress; my sultry muscular legs stepping to the beat of the music whilst I do the booty dance. You'd be a festering cesspool of desire...
Festering cesspool, yes! Go put on some well-fitting jeans and a tight t shirt, then we will talk, lol.
So, in my chronicles of funny as heck adventures..... I am talking to this guy all seems well, 48 years old.....
And married and divorced 3 times. Always something! It makes of think of Ross on Friends.
he is a massage therapist. I always said I wanted to date a chiropractor or a massage therapist. But one that has been divorced 3 times???????
I, too, value a strong man who can handle a strong woman. I have always been strong, independent, confident. My parents raised me that way. I have been told plenty of times in my life by men (XH used to say it all the time) that I am intimidating to men because I give off this total vibe that I don't NEED a man. Well, I don't NEED a man. Want a man, yes....need a man, no. Totally different things. I don't need someone to take care of me financially, I got this. I don't need someone to make decisions for me or "lead" me, I got this. I just want someone to be my partner, my equal.
I see many of the same frustrations that you do in OLD, with one major difference....you are attractive and I'm not, so I have the added issue of dealing with only attracting what I think of as a lower tier of men because good looking men who would respond to your profile are not going to respond to mine, in general....based on looks anyway. But, that is the thing: I firmly believe there is a lid for every pot. We just have to find our lids. And, honestly, your lid and my lid would be different. LOL
It is difficult to find men in my age range who haven't been divorced several times or men who have been married once for a long period and now find themselves "suddenly single" and they don't know how to deal with it.
I LOVED V's advice. As always, she's full of wisdom that we can all learn and grow from. I know it gets frustrating and disheartening to hear, but when the time is right, the right one will come along.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I always said I wanted to date a chiropractor or a massage therapist. But one that has been divorced 3 times???????
Maybe you should just be friends? Why has he not learned anything yet would be my question?
He did get in to the lessons he learned from each, the first 2 weren't mistakes, but the last was.
Being the wise- a$$ I am I said "so you hobbies include getting married?" Luckily he thought it was funny. Then he told me one of his clients is a DJ. I said "oh, you can hire him for your next wedding, you'll get a good discount!"
I am awful.
A massage therapist friend could be a very nice thing!
I agree - three divorces seems like too many. Two? Ok, maybe you had an early marriage that you were just too immature for, and maybe the second involved a WAS. But if you're gonna get married for a third time you better have your act together and be sure this one's gonna work, or why bother with the marriage certificate?
Now granted, somebody could be 80 and have three divorces and it might not be so bad. But at 48 I'd definitely be concerned.
My older brother had three divorces by that age. (And one broken engagement). Basically he came on like a knight in shining armpit while he was wooing them, then would become an irritable couch potato after they married, and eventually he'd decide they were the reason he was unhappy and leave (except for his second wife who had the guts to dump him shortly before he reached that point). I also know he cheated on his first wife, possibly also on his third at the end (at least he was acting like a classic WAS).
I'm sure there are exceptions, but I'd definitely be worried that someone with three divorces was either like my brother, or had some serious flaw that wives kept giving up on him. NEXT!
You'll have to just assume that we look alike other than our choices in evening-wear. My ex was "understanding" about my annual beard. She would complain that it was like kissing someone through a washcloth although she would lay with her head on my chest stroking and scritching my beard once it got to an scritchable length. Sigh. The guy she left me for seems to have this straggly sort of thing going on which I'm presume she's fine with.