so I still go back to my central concern...if WAS believes due to my detachment that the relationship (at least as it was) is now non-existant, does that change me? I mean I still plan to be in contact with her on matters of my daughter/house. I mean I don't want to be friend zoned on this, but if I'm detaching do I not increase her opinion that there's no relationshipip left to salvage?
OR am I just worrying too much about her reaction to my detachment/being needy when I should just be doing what I need to do for me and let her emotions go where they will?
I think you answered your own question.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I got a taste of humble pie...wife just sent me a text to thank me for doing something for her. While it was a good email, makes me feel like we're total strangers now instead of married. I mean before our split it's not like she would have sent such a message.
I can tell this is going to be a marathon and not a sprint and hard on the heart. Question is do I reply back to say you're welcome? could this be just a bait to communicate with me?
Ugh...seriously I need help stabilizing as this starts.
Great posts from Accuray, he really knows his DB'ing! I would suggest you save those down and read them multiple times. Steve's are very helpful as well, you're are getting some excellent advice here.
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Last, hope...its so VERY hard to have any. 6 weeks in, wife has said she has no feelings for me anymore which sounds like SCRIPT.
I understand, it's very tough to have hope when your WAS is just throwing nothing but spew at you. Usually when people are giving up hope then I give them two real-world examples for consideration:
1. A good friend of mine's W became a full-blown WAS. Wanted nothing to do with him. They split up, sold their joint business, and she moved in with OM. They didn't talk for nearly 2 years. Then she reached out to him, they started talking, then meeting for coffee, then going on dates, then having sex, then moved back in together. Now they are happier than ever.
2. Another friend (OK it's me, LOL!) had his W leave and he DB'd his heart out. He held onto hope for nearly 2 years. But she was done being married (never gave a reason, just said she was "done") and never backed down except for a brief time where she decided they should go to Retrouvaille. Eventually his hope changed from hope of recon to just hope for happiness for himself. He quit focusing on recon and focused on himself and his kids instead. It happened so slowly he didn't even know he had dropped the rope. A business opportunity came up and he ended up being the one to push the D through so as not to muddy the business deal. Then he met someone else. Young, beautiful, wild, with tattoos and crazy colors in her hair. At first he had trouble committing to her because he still wanted to leave the door open to his ex, but eventually he did and 3 years later they are still together and madly in love. Despite their huge age difference he has much more in common with her than anyone he has met before. They go for motorcycle rides, go to Six Flags together, haunted houses, they love hiking and caving, and the sex is through-the-roof mind-blowing. After BD he thought his life was over, but what he didn't know is only that CHAPTER was over and a new, amazing one was just beginning.
So I ask you this, which of the above two examples won and which one lost? I would argue that they are both winners. There is no reason to abandon hope, because NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WITH YOUR M, amazing things are waiting for you. You just need to go out there and grab them.
So I got a taste of humble pie...wife just sent me a text to thank me for doing something for her. While it was a good email, makes me feel like we're total strangers now instead of married. I mean before our split it's not like she would have sent such a message.
Many WAS's do undergo a personality change. Now and then you'll see glimpses of your old W and you'll think "she's coming back!" But she won't, at least not for a very long time.
My ex changed so substantially after BD that I am convinced she went through some kind of personality change driven by menopause and/ or mid-life changes. Even our kids have remarked that they barely recognize their mom anymore. She's not mean or angry or selfish or anything, just very different. If you've ever known someone that had a serious head injury and experienced a personality switch as a result, it's very similar to that. Same body but completely different person inside it.
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Question is do I reply back to say you're welcome? could this be just a bait to communicate with me?
Yes treat her like a friendly neighbor, and if a friendly neighbor thanked you then of course you would reply back. Don't sweat every little thing you do or say, no one thing is going to save your M and no one thing is going to ruin it. If she communicates with you then it's fine to reply. Just try not to initiate it yourself unless it's kid-related.
I guess 6 weeks into separation she seems so final. Says she thinks we'd be better as friends, has no feelings for me, DOES NOT even want to work/try with me which for just the sake of my daughter seems so cold.
Again I have no idea if there is an A/OM. I think this all started after the birth of our daughter in 2016. I think she lost her identity, sense of freedom, maybe that's like post partum. There was a post on here somewhere about a wife simply feeling trapped and hopeless that things could ever improve/change...in essence depressed and with believing there's no other option, she simply leaves as that's the only thing she can think to do. I think she is more walkaway not WW as Sandi has well described in terms of having an affair. The saddest part is that I think with some IC to address some of her feelings we'd be in a different spot.
Appreciate your comments Stander and everyone else's.
How long after the baby did things start to get rocky?
Did you get the "edge of the marital bed" treatment?
I really hate to say it, but if i were you i would assume there probably is OM unless proved otherwise. I NEVER, EVER, would have thought my wife would cheat on me, and she did for 7 months without me even knowing.
I can honestly say that 6 weeks into separation i was a HOT MESS. it was right before Xmas and i really wanted her home to have Christmas with me and my son (she did but slept on the couch, which broke my heart. Her Birthday is Xmas Eve too)
Assume the worst, prepare for the worst, keep your cool, listen to what the Vets here say, and i can honestly say that going Dark and GAL'ing is JUST AS IMPORTANT AS EVERYONE HERE SAYS IT IS. Do it. Stick to it. Be a better you.
I learned the long hard way, well after 6 weeks of mistakes and wrong moves.
Don't be desperate, don't pursue, Don't psyco-analyze everything. You cant control her behavior or opinion. You never could and you never will. The only control you have is over your own appearance, attitude, actions and lack thereof.
Be available but not a doormat, be polite but not a pushover, stick to your boundaries and BE THE ROCK IN THE TIDE.
How is your daughter doing through all this? that has been the hardest part for me, watching my son suffer, and having to hear things like , "where mama?" "why we no live at redhome anymore?" "I miss my bedroom", plus all the talk about OM i hear from him. My WW introduced my (at the time) 2 year old to OM as soon as they started dating, months before i found out about A.
WW: "I left so i could be mentally healthy and be the best mom i can" (This is my WW's attempt @ justifying her actions, she didn't think AT ALL Before leaving, it was a knee-jerk reaction that has caused exponential blow-back for her since.)
Strength to you brother.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Orange thing is for us times never really got rocky after baby. I think having our daughter just took my wife from the life she had known to a new one which she did not like as much as she hoped. As you know life changes pre and post baby. More responsibilities, less freedom. I don't think my W could accept that and since she couldn't place that resentment on our D, she put it on me.
I definitely agree with you that the most terrible aspect of this entire event are the things your child says. Believe me brother I've heard all of them accept for any OM talk.
1) Why do you think your wife is presenting to you that things are so final?
2) When your W thinks about you, what do you think she wants?
3) Why does she want that?
4) How does your behavior, and how you react to her, either support what she wants or deny her of what she wants?
5) How does she react to that -^
6) If you are sad around your wife, how do you think that makes her feel?
Please dig deep on these, its important. For instance on the last question, if you act sad around your wife, how does that make her feel? You could just say "Sad" or "Angry" but please take the next step and tell me why *your* sadness evokes these feelings in her.
I think if you think through these questions it will be more helpful than any of us trying to explain what's happening with her.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
1) So 6 weeks in I've asked her on two occasions to try/work with me. On those two times she's not said flat out NO, but doesn't see the point...again feeling hopeless that change can be made. HUGE part of this could also be my pessimistic mindset/still being rocked by her departure. She has not said D and she has used phrases like "at this time" "depending on" so bottom line me thinking FINAL is my fatalistic/noob self being panicky I think.
2) More assertiveness. Tell her my opinion, stand up to her, lead her. As I said before not Alpha male just more manly dominance.
3) I spent too long thinking conflict was only a negative thing, now I realize it can contribute to healthy respect/boundaries and balance in a marriage.
4) I do not stand my ground. Basically man up and say what I feel no matter if she'll get angry or not.
5) She can continue to emasculate me and lose respect for me as she does so and along with that then attraction.
6) But for when she told me she was leaving I've not been sad around her.
With us I have no abuse, addiction, or infidelity on my part and honestly no real reason to suspect on her either. Married couple enjoying the dual income no kids life, then have a daughter and wife struggles with the change in her identity. We don't go out like we use to, care of baby becomes priority, we're both tired after work and baby, sex wanes...As I can look on here and see so many examples of WW having A's so to can I go to a women's blog and see hundreds of ladies saying post-baby we're roommates.
