Battling cancer while dealing with MLC

[river10]

Thanks for the responses. I read Sally Conway's You and Your Husband's Midlife Crisis last year. I still have it somewhere.

I find it hard to believe my H is dealing with his issues at all. I think he just got a new life and is living it and never, ever thinks about his old life and never looks inside himself.

I have read a bunch of times how the MLCer doesn't look back until they experience loss. H hasn't lost anything and it doesn't look like he will. Maybe it's just a case of the grass really was greener.

[JujuB]

I think mlc is just a garbage pail term given to very narcissitic people in order to come up with some sort of explanation as to how they were capable of some very cruel actions and behaviors.

The problem with the term is that it makes us liken their behaviors to a disease that they cant possibly help. It gives us hope that as soon as they heal from this disorder all will be good. That they are not as accountable.

River, your ex discarded you. Without an ounce of empathy. He did it because he is capable of it. He just doesn't care. He wants his life to be easier. He is that selfish. He will eventually do it again to whoever he is with. He is self serving not committed. That's what his actions show so why waste time projecting your values onto him?

Trying to figure out more would be like trying to understand how Jeffrey dahmer was capable of killing and eating children.

They are lacking something. And it says nothing about who you are.

He is not a prize. Would you ever date a man that you knew for a fact left a sick wife? Or young kids? Or an aging wife for a younger model? No way!!! So why are you pining for him?

[JujuB]

My ex discarded me same way. He is a cold motherfuer. But people think he is a nice guy.

Just prior to BD, i was diagnosed with melanoma while I was pregnant.
1 day after my surgery he was waking me up at 7 in the morning, cause it was my turn to watch our son. He told me "they only used local anesthetic " which was true...but only cause i was pregnant. I was so tired and stressed and worried about the fetus. But he couldnt just watch our son.

For 15 years he was not that type of an as. Hole. So i thought the same thing you did...He's depressed. He's going through a crises. I was a bad wife. His life will be better cause i was not good enough to him etc etc. Butbhe wasnt that tyoe of a.hole. cause our life was easier and suiting him fine.

They are just cold motherfers.

[JujuB]

There was an old poster on here named eyetie. I am posting from my phone so i am having trouble linking it. But he recently posted on my thread in surviving divorce so you can go back and read all his threads.

His wife left him when he was diagnosed with i believe stage 4 cancer. He is recovered and doing wonderfully. His perspective and ability to move forward and GAL is inspiring.

[job]

Here is a link to EyeTie's thread over on the Divorced, But Not Done Forum:

First time posting outside of "Newcomer" area

[MarvinF]

I think mlc is just a garbage pail term given to very narcissitic people in order to come up with some sort of explanation as to how they were capable of some very cruel actions and behaviors.

The problem with the term is that it makes us liken their behaviors to a disease that they cant possibly help. It gives us hope that as soon as they heal from this disorder all will be good. That they are not as accountable.

I have a feeling this is a very old and divisive debate. From reading hundreds of stories and watching my own wife I believe there is truth to both sides. I believe some of what we call "MLC" is narcissistic people who hide very well until the facade cracks and then their true behaviour just takes over. But I know from my own experience (and reading and talking to others) there are people who are very engaged, present, loving partners who as this crises hits completely go into a very strange, disconnected and narcissistic state. Some come out (my wife is already showing amazing signs of returning to her former self), some never do, and some keep cycling back and forth.

But in both cases they ARE responsible for their behaviour, the pain they cause is INCREDIBLY real, and so are the consequences. And the steps to protect oneself is the same too.

[JujuB]

I'm not saying thats not possible marvin. But i think it is so so rare.

I think that when they do come back its usually more of a grass is greener situation. LBS usually loses weight, gets their act together, might even have another romantic interest and suddenly WS is interested again. But not because of true remorse or committment. More because they see benefit for them.

But Let's pretend that you won the lottery, or perhaps found this magical fountain of youth and beauty and your wayward spouse wanted to come back. (After leaving you for a wealthy partner or younger woman) would you take them back? And if not, what's the difference?
.
They usually leave when life gets tough..kids, sickness, death. Then your life improves and they want back.
But they aren't genuinly committed so what happens if sickness strikes again? They are gone.

I have shamefully read these boards obsessively for 3 years now. And i see tons of LBS that are back on here years later after reconciling.

And here's the killer. I have an acquaintance that is a walkaway. She was actually reluctant to date a guy that had recently left his wife cause she thought he could possibly go back to her. She knew this cause she almost went back to her LBS when she found out he met someone. She told me how she cried and how LBS was immediatly ready to dump new girl for her and that's when she was reminded that she didn't love him.

[MarvinF]

[MarvinF]

[peacetoday]

interesting thread-

I think there is much validity to MLC..I believe it is real-

I also think it may be connected to some kind of brain disorder like addiction..This could be any kind of addiction
drugs, alcohol, love, romance, sex, spending gambling,working ect,,,(addiction is classified as a true disease of the mind)

I also think(my OPINION)
MLC is connected to unresolved real issues for the persons childhood and past..Things they either never dealt with or fully completed like abuse as a child or young adult-
These issues can not be avoided for some people without consequences, such as MLC

So when age 40 hits and the person RE-evaluates their life..
They seem to go back in time usually to their teens
We see it in their clothing, spending,their actions, there need to pick younger, their attitudes and way of thinking
their carefree minds rejecting the responsibilities they once had.
Maybe anything could trigger them like a spouses illness or a death or the second child.

They are also extremely self centered..and my XH was and most addicted people are-
I guess each of us will come up with some kind of explanation for MLC that works for us but it probably does not matter

They usually leave and many will not return as they once were-

MY XH did sent a VM last year on my work phone
He sounded terrible and in pain He was asking me to tell some of his old friends in recovery to call him and he left his number
He also said he knows "he did wrong"
I since heard, he was divorced, on drugs and "unhelpable"

You will find a way to get through this and figure it out in a way that works for you to accept the unacceptable